Something's happening inside of me
It feels so familiar, its happened before
This sadness, loneliness, and smallness
I'm lost again, falling down, down, down
Reaching up, but there's nothing to hold onto
I know this feeling, I've felt it before
Its FML all over again

Stuck in this whole I can't get out
Falling deeper, I don't know how
Won't someone help me now?
This crying sadness and unnerving madness
No one to help me and no one to care
Meanwhile I'm in total despair
I know this feeling, I've felt it before
Its FML all over again

My have run dry but still I'm crying
My head hurts, I feel like I'm dying
Help me now, oh won't you please
I'm lost in this maze, please show me the way
No one answers, no one is there
I know this feeling, I've been here before
Its FML all over again

It's full of pain, lose, disease,
Anger, hatred, and poverty
If I missed something oh well
Every corner I turn there it is
Another thing trying to bring me down
But still I refuse to bow
I contemplate my demise
Every little detail
How deep to cut my wrist
How tight the nuse will be
What caliber of gun I will use
My life is hell
No sense in dying
When I'll just be here for all eternity
No rest for me
Just a life always meant to be ******
FML

Life is full of anger, hatred, pain
Let me tell you about myself
I am not scared to die
Been through so much tragedy sometimes I wanna be in the sky
I know how it feels to fly
Wonder how it feels to be in heaven
My mama believes I am Ignorant
For not thinking about Loans
No one told me life would be this way
And I never thought I would get this far
My life is hell
They say I should don’t worry
But why do I worry so much?
I cannot even get any relaxation
Money has to be everything
Every night I have nightmares about college in hell
No sense in success
Sometimes I feel like
FML

I have so much to do
yet so little time
not a penny to spend
but there's so much I need to buy
not a dollar in my pocket
and my gas light's on
I need more money
but I work, a minimum wage job
I'm behind in my online class
and can't seem to get it done
I told my mom I've submitted more assignments
when I've only half-completed some
I just failed government
a course I'm required to pass
I might not get to graduate
when all I want to do, is leave high school in the past
I just want to be happy
but lately, even breathing is hard
I need a drink and joint
and I'm still too young for the bar
the stress is like cancer
slowly taking my life away
these days, I don't even sleep
because the anxiety keeps me awake

I have so many faults
and you overthink about them
but I am not a bad person I swear
And it keeps up all night
thinking these thoughts are killing you
I wish I didn't make these mistakes but I wouldn't know what I do now

Go ahead
Call me or message me
Tell me how you hate me

And I'll remind you
I loved you when you were afraid to be with me
Because we were only eleven and our peers opinions mattered

I'll remind you that one year later
We had our very first kiss and it was perfect
Except for the part where you moved away
And didn't tell me

I'll remind you that when you called me
I had just suffered statutory **** for the first time
And you told me you loved me for the first time
We were only twelve

I'll remind you
You stopped calling

I'll remind you
You moved back
And dated my friend for a month
And I was so happy she ended up liking girls

I'll remind you I forgave you
I tried to be friends again
I told you about my other ****
We talked about our failed relationships
We were fifteen

I'll remind you it was your idea to meet up and kiss
And how we talked for an hour before I couldn't take any more
And I kissed you and we didn't stop
We never wanted to
But you caught your breath and asked me to be yours
And as scared as I was I said yes

I'll remind you we ditched school only a few weeks later
And you told me you loved me and I never believed you more
Then in that moment by the skating rink
And I almost cried saying it back

I'll remind you that we made love
We made love everywhere and all the time

I'll remind you that three months in
You proposed to me
We were fifteen
And I said yes

I'll remind you that we broke up
On and off for stupid reasons
And that you always ended it
And I always waited for you to change your mind
And you always did

I'll remind you that at sixteen my best friend and her boyfriend
***** me and you thought I cheated
And you hid your revenge for over a year

I'll remind you that we survived months
Of long distance
And with our libido it was hard

I'll remind you when you moved in at seventeen
You promised you would stop leaving me
You would stop breaking my heart

I'll remind you that we stayed up late in the living room
Watching movies until we fell asleep there together
Because at first it was the only way we could sleep together

I'll remind you that your family's opinion of me didn't stop me
From visiting them with you one Christmas

I'll remind you that no matter how many times the darkness
Emerged from you I accepted it

I'll remind you that when we slept together you made me
Spoon you and rub your back and I always would

I'll remind you that you stopped kissing me
Stopped making love and started to pity **** me as
Youtube videos played in the background
And I would cry and go unheld

I'll remind you that you talked to her
After promising not to
Because you broke a lot of promises

I'll remind you I still forgave you

I'll remind you that one morning
You held me
Which you hadn't done in so long
And we woke up just like that
And you told me you were leaving
I didn't cry at first
But I felt every part of me break
More than it ever had before

I'll remind you
You blamed my mom
But she loved you like a son
That's just how she treats her kids

I'll remind you
You asked me out again
Not long after we had make up *** a few times
And I cried because it all felt so different

I'll remind you that with a broken heart
I ended things for the first time from eleven to eighteen

I'll remind you that I wanted to stay friends
That I wanted you to prove you loved me
Because I always stayed when you ended things
And you disappeared like you always did

I'll remind you that our story is messed up
But that we loved each other somewhere in that mess

I'll remind you that you will always be first in my heart
And that nothing can change that

I'll remind you that I forgive you
Because I love you
Because no matter what happens
You're my best friend

You were the first person to show me
Just how happy I can be

You taught me so much
And my heart,
It'll always be yours
Even when I mess up too.

u got me waiting
blue eyed dreamer girl
like

eating dreams
we on an ultralight beam
and evenings are gold

you got to know i haven't
always felt like this
heaven's got dawn streets
laced with honey-faith
and sunlight texture

grace my feet
and i **** with that
just with your friends
and your blue eyes

/****/

I am a snow ball
Melting into a liquid puddle
Evaporating
Disappearing
By the thirsty air feeding on me

© Jl 2016

I smile when my profile picture gets 50 likes
but would it mean more
if I liked my face without the assurance of others?

Maybe not,
I'm a millennial, after all.
1994, born and raised
a "90's kid."

I tweeted that...it got 12 favorites.

Too bad I can't favorite my internal thoughts
in order to validate them without sharing them.

I sent that as an iMessage
to my friend who responded
"#deep."

I'm posting this poem on the internet
so that people I don't know can read it.
Maybe they'll even leave a comment.

I say what I feel,
via text message,
followed by an emoji and a hashtag
as a sort of millennial footnote,
minus the APA style.
I'll use LOL style
or FML style
or the style of ironically using texting lingo
to prove that I'm not #basic.

I, Lex the Millennial,
wrote this poem on my iPhone 6.

Some years ago, on a Monday, I met Joyce at Whitlows.
I bonded with her over bourbon and cokes.
She wore a black dress; sloping V, open back
It clung to her thigh, as though her skin
Was coated in sweets: sugar, honey, syrup.
Her face shined under the light overhead:
Denim eyes, velvet lips, an upturned nose.
She went to G.W.; read Junot; rode thoroughbreds;
Spoke Arabic; ate okra; watched Kubrick.
At the foosball table, I touched her wrist. She touched my arm.
The next day, after coitus and coffee,
I went to my car and found a ticket.

I woke up on the floor
From a party the night before  
Feeling like a train wreck, looking like a mess
Trying to piece together last night’s events
But my memory’s **** & my fishnet tee is missing
So I roll up a cig, grab my coat and leave
I’m losing count on how many times I do this routine

Walking down the street
Going through the texts I sent when you were asleep
Telling you what drugs I’ve been on
What I genuinely think, I know I’m a nihilist
But I know I can also change in your company
It’s funny how the heart speaks
When ******* & MDMA is in the  bloodstreams

Finally, I’m home
My mental state is melting like a Dali painting
So I crawl into bed for a good rest
Letting my body dissociate at the sight of 2PM
Some people say this is a waste of a day
But I didn’t think about that yesterday
Now I scream “**** MY LIFE” loudly from the inside

March 10, 2009
This is my first entry in this diary
My name is Landon
I have one brother
He is the idol of the family
I have to be exactly like him
But I'm nothing in his shadow

March 15, 2009
Story of my life
My girlfriend dumped me
For her best friend
She really broke my heart
I have scars to prove it

March 23, 2009
My dad just beat me again
He said I should of been aborted
He says I'm the reason for his alcoholism
He blames me for my moms death
She died in a car wreck
I was crying in the back

April 5, 2009
I have really nothing left to fight for
My teachers try to help me
They just don't understand my life
Even when I try to explain it
But every body thinks I'm exaggerating

April 7, 2009
Just found out my grandma died
She was the only person I honestly loved
She would bake me cookies
They were the best
She knew how to make me smile
And now she's gone

April 14, 2009
My dad just tried killing me
He choked me half to death
I hate my life
Bet nobody will miss me if I ended it
Maybe I should

April 15, 2009
Best friend talked me off a ledge
I love his crazy ***
He is always there for me
I'm glad he is there for me
Dude is my brother

April 20, 2009
My ex just came to talk to me
She wants me back
Her best friend cheated on her
I told her yes
Maybe that was a mistake

April 24, 2009
Relationship...FAIL
Life...WASTE
FML
Best friend isn't around to help me
I just cut myself again
Whoops got blood on the paper

December 16, 2009
Sorry I haven't written in a while Diary
People probably would think this is gay
For a guy to be writing in a diary
But your the only thing that can listen
To everything I have to say
Quick update though
Nothing has gotten better
Everything has gotten worse

January 1, 2010
I fell in love with a goddess!
She is the best thing that could happen in my life
She is a poet and wrote the most beautiful poem I have ever read
She called me her perfect, beautiful demonic curse
She loves me too
I'm...happy...this is what it feels like huh?

February 14, 2010
I just went on a date with my girlfriend
Came home to my dads fist
It was suppose to be a good day
And an even better evening
She doesn't even know what goes on in my life
I don't want to bring her into this hell

February 20, 2010
She said I was being distant
She asked for an explanation
I told her I couldn't tell her
For her I wasn't going to tell her
She asked if there was another girl
I told her I was loyal like a ******* puppy dog
She still ended up breaking up with me

I just can't do anything right

April 2, 2010
I almost killed myself yesterday
I know it was April Fool's day
But I'm not joking
I'm planning my death I'll keep you posted when I decide
Diary...I love you.

June 14, 2010
I think in about two days I will be prepared
To end my life
Best friend is gone and I can't get a hold of him
Mother is dead and it's my fault according to my father
Father is an alcoholic
Brother doesn't want to listen to me
Nobody cares anymore

June 16, 2010
This will be my final entry
Diary, I'm sorry but I can't take it anymore
I already have 47 different pills ready to take
A 45 locked and loaded
Ready to scatter these unbearable thoughts across prison walls
I already slit my wrist again
Goodbye my friend
I love you

This is Landon's story
A kid that committed suicide
He was 16 years old
He died June 16, 2010
Time unknown
Don't let this be you
I don't want to write your name
Into the Diary of Broken Souls

even nights terrors visit me more , best friends ive ever had

Today
I finally realised
what love truly is
then discovered
after 21 years
I don't have it

You would think
Of all people,
You should know me well enough
To know that I'm ******,
Angry, and utterly
Frustrated.

Shocked in a world of pain
not taken seriously
waiting by the back door to run
nothing to come from the outcome.
Bound to die down in the evening
washing clothes for the sake of believing.
Wondering what will be done
to be broken, some war shall come.
Wish and dream this summer felt
While dealing with this winter guilt.
What the heck
This hurts my neck.
*** and drugs still fill the room
Leading to ultimate doom.
Looking through the window of dispensation
The hours go by
so good bye

You ever feel like you're always there
But then turn around and they don't even care?
Well that's just how the worlds gonna be
People may "love"
But all I see
Is the hidden pain
It never goes away
Just a dream of life
Doesn't even strive
They just expect it to come
As does the wind
But that's not how it works
For me I just might as well quit

Surrounded by a solid foundation
Not certain if it's for my protection

Not certain if it's for your protection

All these questions and blames games

But you never questioned or held blame
for the one you selected to be your president
It's easier to just stroll through a phone
and bicker about nonimportant messages

Don't save her. She doesn't wanna be saved!

He ain't a good teacher. Why does he get a raise!?

So, why you are dealing with the same life lesson?!

**** everything I have to say, unless it's relevant
I could put emphasis on that, but instead of fing this whole chain up rather remain celibate.

Everywhere I turn.
Somebody is trying to  f me.

Without the ****?
I'm not the begging type
but "fool, give me a break" PLEASE.

I can be calming and surprising
like the summer time breeze
Keep memories in heart company, when feeling unease
The feeling which is oh so lonely
Have you remembering talks of nostalgia
with your parents, like when you first discussed
"The Birds and Bees." Master these elements, summoning great power of one's eternal beyond to receive grace from deities.

Making sure all the contacts are informed and balanced, remaining as one in connection regardless of location. Which should've been incoperated through our history!

I been on this for centuries!

You call it business structure. I call it perfect symmetry!

I'm just another brother, which as much love to give as
a grateful mother in a world of living color....

We still burning each other alive.

Just for others to shine like a diamond
in the night, oh so bright.

We got idiots roaming around
making profit and we are nothing more than discarded objects

Last time I check. You can put a price on a ring.

You can't put a price on a wife?

Yet I am the problem??

So f* my life right??

Beside the window sits chirping
Chirping
Chirping
Birds! I'm trying to write. DBQ... FRQ..... Fml...
Starting-
passing by the sun hides behind the top of the sky
Noon- I'm trapped
Black
white
Colorless ideas and sights
"Opinions" used to persuade the guard to mark down you did all right in your studies
Adolescents- slaves to your presence
Obey the clock
Tick
       Tock
Tick
       Tock
Tick
"talk" speak your mind as long as I agree
God forbid,
My mind wanders
Far away lands,
Flowers unsold
People oh so bold
Love un-withhold
                        Stories untold
Take hold!
Wake up!
Absorb this!
My soul is invalid...as I am a slave to sick, adolescent oppression
Education is just memorization.
.

For all my life I have been an outcast
I try my best to make friends but It never seems to work
I laugh I make jokes but I just scare people away
At first I thought it was how I looked but my mother told me I looked fine so I thought I was ok
I tried to ask others but they just looked at me with this awkward face like they don't know what I'm talking about
So I just continue on like nothing's wrong I sometimes over hear others conversations but not to much
I sometimes think they're talking about me but it's about some other person I'm like the behind character in some tv show that no one notices
But I don't want to be I want be the character that people notices
I want to be the character that makes others laugh
But I could never do that cause no one laughed
So in the end I said FML

FML, the

GDP….

***!!

Living my life without love
Feels like im dying slowly
Walking with head down low
She travels trought my mind
Without love, without life itself
Just another "i" that im not

Love is flooding my body, it's a strange feeling. I'm entrenched in vulnerability , every word held hostage. I was always running away from it , scared of it controlling me, scared of it destroying me. This time I'll dive into it with every inch of my being. I will soak my decisions in this emotion. I hope she doesn't know that she can **** me. Drop me from the heavens to faceplant in the concrete. That she is my vice, the one that rambles consciousness, scrambles my soul. **** a rock ,she's my mountain.

Just like the firefly
who was enthralled by the flames
I was undoubtedly drawn to you
Without any second thoughts
You were my favorite kind of escape
The one I sought for endlessly
But you were poison in my veins
You made me do things
heaven would never approve of
and you knew the consequences
So you decided to leave me to die
With the flattery of your words
As you anomalously walk away
From me and my shadows
and I continue to ask myself
Over and over until I fall asleep
Why did you have to go?

a poem a day
will turn you gay

a poem a day
keeps the ***** away

She's says I'm not as romantic
That I'm not the same
I think you're more distant
Like I'm just a pawn in a sick game

I want to be close to you
And open up all that I have to bare
But you choose to sleep with your clothes on
Its like you really just dont care

I want to have back how it was
With snuggles in the night
Instead I get your silence
And a passive aggressive fight

Has it really reached its peak
Did we try too hard
Because when I try to talk it through
Its like I need an appointment card

I need more than this from you
Before I give you more of me
I know you may not understand this
If so,just let me be

If it ends it'll hurt me
The thought twists in like a knife
Let's please try harder baby
What is this,**** my life

Absent from this creation
4 far 2 long
Words stuck pressed under a rock
3rdEyeBlind
Midnight Blues at Paisley
INspiration, head bobbin'
Taken 2 The Max with
New Princely Music
And grooves of the feminine
3rdEyeGirl
3rdEyeOpen
FUNK my LIFE
The new FML
Life is good

(c) Shawn White Eagle

I'm tired
of those nights
staring out behind
my eyelids
across the cold horizon
of reality
The bleakness of a future
dying twilight
twinkling
at the break
Nothing but
impossible choices
and hard truths
breaking the visage
Thoughts of tomorrow
and eternity
intertwined
like
Dark Lovers
screaming
the ecstasy of a
shared doom
in their embrace
on the distant shore
The reverberations
of their
passion
ricocheting
through my skull
in a constant dull
hum
Christ
that **** really *****

ive been on this website for about 10 minutes and not a single like or anything?
did that maddest **** this morning
hit the bowl and everything while in me crack
dont even give a ****
no pun intended
xxNoSxco0perxx
umad?
:))
eshay ler
Louis bitchop is the man yo,
still waiting for that sandwhich
fml ****

I love your name and the way it fits next to mine. I love that you have two middle names - one you hate and one you can't spell. I love that you're older than me. I love that you're responsible. I love that you're funny and silly. I love that you lived in Africa. I love that you have friends all around the world. I love that you love Dalmatians. I love that you're a dog person. I love that you love Thai food. I love you when you're sick. I love when you're healthy. I love waiting in the hospital for you while you have a check up. I love that you tell me about your doctors. I love that you're taking Physics. I love that you're making friends. I love the little curls behind your ears. I love the roughness of your beard. I love the blues and blacks and silvers in your eyes. I love the way you smile, so crooked and perfect. I love that you're going to be an engineer. I love that you're supportive of me. I love when you make me sandwiches - especially the ones with pickles and ham. I love to cook with you. I love stealing your clothes. I love how our hands fit perfectly together. I love the way you demand I take my socks off so I can keep your feet warm. I love that you buy me roses just cause. I love when you pick me up from school. I love that you made me read your favorite books. I love your favorite books. I love the way you smell. I love the place where your neck meets your shoulder, because by head fits perfectly. I love watching Unbreakable Kimmy *******with you. I love going to concerts with you. I loved sitting in the Neptune, waiting for Streetlight Manifesto to come on, trying to get you to kiss me. I love our first kiss. I love the poems you write me. I love falling asleep in your bed, with your arms around me in the middle of the day. I love your little brother. I love your sister. I love your opinions on wedding dresses. I love the way to talk. I love how much you talk and what you talk about. I love your head and your heart. I love your character and your personality. I love the way you say my name. I love your laugh. I love your dreams. I love your optimism. I love your cynicism. I love your idealism and your realism. I love your arms. I love your dogs. I love the posters on your walls. I love that you know so much about music. I love your guitars. I love the stuffed animals you got me. I love your handwriting. I love the way you draw. I love the way your hair looks when you wake up. I love waking up thinking about you. I love the way you stare at me when you think I'm especially beautiful. I love when you tell me I'm beautiful. I love that you work with my sister. I love that you take me out. I love that you make sacrifices for me. I love how smart you are. I love how you always make me laugh. I love that I can make you happy even when you don't want to be. I love that I miss you. I love that you miss me. I love your tattoo ideas. I love our future daughters name. I love our future daughter. I love our future son. I love our plan. I love how well I know your voice. I love going on walks with you. I love playing with your fingers. I love that you let me paint your nails. I love sending you kisses on Facebook. I love scrolling through tumblr and FML with you. I love singing with you. I love playing made up games with you. I love telling you I love you. I love your chest and stomach, and I love laying my head on them. I love that you are always so happy. I love that we communicate without words. I love that we've been together for almost 2 years. I love that it will be much longer. I love that romantic movies make me miss you. I love your taste in everything. I love that you're punk. I love when you sing to me. I love being on stage with you, and making you smile. I love playing card games with you. I love that you find my hair on your clothes. I love talking about God with you. I love when you wear a hat. I loved going to Comic-Con with you. I love how you always make me happy. I love that you liked me back. I love that you texted me first. I love you. And I love that you'll at least try and read this whole thing, just cause.

Where ever you may be let there be solicitude. Clear all other moods my dear. a sensitivity you took for granted. All the ******* you ranted. Still all is forgiven, but not forgotten. As my inner demons want to see you rotting. this battle inst over yet, let compassion fill your heart; before all is to late an ripped apart. you had my sympathy but forget my empathy. Let off the deep end, descend my ill minded friend. i know this is hard to comprehend. quite useless indeed. just heed the warning because we may not see the next morning my friend. peace cease to rest as for your no longer here, just a mirror i broke.  so evoke or choke on this toxic air. as its seems harder to bare.   to everyone who thinks differently or indifferently i wish you all well. as i step through hell watching from the inside out.. endless route. i now walk in solitary, that this wont end through any

promissory i held.  ashes fades to grey.  only to feel betrayal to watch all vanish away.

_ marty  X.x ftw an FML