so tightens the end of september
like a noose, rained for weeks straight
and i’m doing whatever feels right

you run your fingers thru my hair
and i’m embarrassed, don’t know
how to tell you how i feel

want to run away into the night
with you, want to drink again
and fight the system, its every discoloration

so each day goes
forgetting what brings the glitter
back in my eyes, smiles fading for no reason
You got your first job at a hotel
You said it was fine but didn’t realize
That you’d bitten off more than you could chew
Until 4 AM the next day
When you called your boyfriend and
Showed up at emergency

Swore your anxiety was better and yet
You couldn’t hit the push-to-talk button
Called the hospital with your phone instead
Because the 5 extra meters of distance
From the hospital door really made a difference

The nurse gave you a couple hotlines to call
Next thing you knew you were crying on a park bench
Talking to a mental health worker over the phone
At 6 in the morning

You always seem fine until you start talking
Holding tears in until your thoughts
Escape through your mouth
For you to hear them out loud
Because that’s when you realize these things
Are more than just words

You still ended up at the hospital
As directed by the confusing-but-supportive
Mental health worker

Just as you did over the phone
You insist you aren’t suicidal
Whenever necessary
You feared being admitted again
But you wouldn’t say this aloud


After dropping off your prescription slip
With a grocery store application form hidden in your jacket
You quit your first job

Your mom wasn’t angry
Like you were worried she would be
But you still haven’t told your dad
Because he seemed so proud
And the first thing of significance
That you told the mental health worker
Was that you feel like a disappointment
got to eat them as they darken
reddened ruby to black constant opal
berries will rot quickly if you don’t
or they’ll taste real gooey and wierdy
if you let the drupelets’ colors get
unsynchronized like summer and fall

...why am i telling you this?
because i learned that the hard way
and the days go away in the gleam
heavy showers and peak-a-boo sun
the east barely bracing for the storm
and the sweetness decaying like the leaves
o this is so sad, alexa play despacito
i know there's still bits and pieces of you that aren't quite undead yet
felt almost impressive to mean something
or somebody who can alter your possessiveness, left
the wedding ring and pretending to be old on your dresser
lay out and fade away star-born reflected off morning waves
the highs and lows, most have been so low and you standing high
getting into my phone and claiming to protect me from other people
bringing your guns out for the summer sun again, sabatoging
all my connections to the outside world, i still wonder why
you bother teasing me and thinking this is more than a charade
but there's still got to be something inside you that still cares
soaring - you breathe in
the blue velvet wrapped
around you
watching you play dark souls
late at night
thigh highs under ripped jeans
instead you're
too absorbed in the game to game me
so i wait
perhaps it's better for me to stay that way
he's died 23 times and counting
  Sep 13 strawberry fields
do it for the booty Laura
sore for all the reasons
because sometimes i want
a butt that destroys jeans
and all forms of pants unequivocally
feel powerful

workout the body
and rip the peanut butter lid off the jar
proclaim to the universe
i have something that you should all stare

go home
eat chips and salsa
think nothing of it
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