"cortisol" poems
A strange kind of intrusive ambiance; voices in several languages, forced laughter, technological functioning; human activity intermarried with machines. The volume rising perfectly in sync with my cortisol levels, I interrogate my past for signs of the path that led me here; it remains blurred. I did not dream of working in customer service; but here I am regardless, moments of my life that I will never ponder again; a cascade of the present moment repeating as long as my employment contract exists. An event-less horizon, memories are stillborn here and true ingenuity stifled. There is much and nothing that has led me here. It is hard not to feel like a horse bred for performance in this place; everything is monitored, quantified, reviewed and collaborated. Performance reports produced with the fervor of medieval scholars translating the bible. I look to the sky, what else is there to do; only to see smoke alarms and aesthetically neutral lighting arrangements. There is art work on the walls, but is generic, created to defy analysis. The colouring of the walls is chosen to exude a neutral sort of trendiness; on brand for the overarching corporate image.
Sep 13, 2018
Sep 13, 2018 at 7:32 AM UTC
Kisses
His lips
Stained red from cherry lip-gloss and his skin still damp from midnight lust.
Our arms and legs lay tangled beneath the stars.
These are the good nights
The, Nightmare, Night terror
Free nights.
Filled with burnt out cigarettes and hushed tones.
These are the nights
That push the cortisol from my mind to be replaced by a
Cheap serotonin fix.
These nights are my lullabies and goodnight
Kisses
His lips
Push their way against my squirming flesh, my tongue too tied to protest.
His hands caress,
My arms and legs. twisted behind locked doors.
These are the restless nights
Tossed and turned like mildewed clothes
Filled with empty cups and muffled moans.
These are the nights-- I’m sorry
The nights I pray for sunrise
Kisses.
Her lips
Find their way to my worried ear, stroking, Hushing.
“It’s okay baby girl mama’s here.”
Shhhhh.
These nights are long nights
When my legs are restless from running through my head,
Monsters,
Hiding underneath my bed.
These nights are filled with screams, they
Strangle my throat, and Chills prickle my spine but
These nights are saved
By her forehead
Kisses
May 4, 2015
May 4, 2015 at 12:24 PM UTC
Am I really someone special?
Of course you are
How do you know
You're special to me
What does that mean?
You make my heart beat
You make my pulse pulse
Isn't that special
That's just adrenocorticotropic
**** we're more than just cortisol
Are we though? What makes us more?
You can think to ask that question
So what who can't
You make my epinephrine spike babe
Thanks, my endocrine glands are addicted to you
Don't worry about it, we're just sacks of meat
Hehe flesh bags coursing with chemicals
Right, your thoughts are just electricity
You're a battery, a light bulb and a RC car
You're a self guided drone with no master
You're sweet, lets go recharge
Powering down the fleshy prison
See you in day 9101 of my imprisonment
See you in the fourth dimension
You're right see you there first
You are special
You too
May 16, 2016
May 16, 2016 at 2:58 PM UTC
1)
Here in the dark where rules don't exist
Gravity slips my wrist to your hips
And your kiss like Soma lay burned on my lips
Sudden a slight, subtle physical gesture
So foreign to think of it - only conjecture
Alluring, your posture bent into mine first
2)
Unable to think, unable to breathe
Unable to reason rational reasons for such indulgence
So known was he to penitence
So unknown was this dream
And that, it was a dream
Cortisol surging, testosterone flowing, epinephrine...surely would split his mind at the seam, and end this cruel romantic dream
3)
Soma to touch her
Soma to feel her
Nothing to know, and none left to sow
Soma to see her
Soma to hear her
When won't it last? When will it go?
Soma to think
Soma to dream
Forever unknowing
Forever I'll be
Mar 13, 2017
Mar 13, 2017 at 10:18 PM UTC
i've been ignoring it
stress seeping
in trembling airways
effects of cortisol
i've been ignoring it
subtle shaking of breath
once constant, once confident
i've been hiding
from a heart hurt
unaccomplished goals became looming dreams again
but like Rome I will pick myself up
I will piece myself together
from resilient rubble
and a blank blueprint
become a beautiful mosaic
Now is the time.
Because I've been ignoring it.
Ignoring it all too long now.
Aug 1, 2016
Aug 1, 2016 at 7:53 PM UTC
The glistening snow sweats off the arms of the woods,
The sun's warmth challenges the breeze,
But the breeze knows how to get under my skin,
The sun can only touch gently on the surface.
And another thing: my mind is at ease,
But it must be arousing to knead an angel in the doughy snow,
Rather than strap on my boots, pack up my book bag,
And to tune out the rest, put on my headphones,
Playing songs to keep me stuck inside my head.
Rather than grinding equations,
Taking notes,
Inspecting writing,
Instead of analyzing one of these,
I'd like to read glowing literature for my heart's sake.
The best days begin and end like this.
These days tranquilize me,
Sequester cortisol from my brain,
And quell thoughts of then,
thoughts of tomorrow, thoughts of today,
thoughts of when, thoughts of who,
thoughts of why, thoughts of how,
thoughts of you.
So since you aren't here to feed my soul,
And I can't read in this city's wretched cold,
I'll tuck myself inside my bed,
And burn my eyes on my phone screen instead.
Nov 24, 2015
Nov 24, 2015 at 12:09 AM UTC
Another day, another existential crisis
Stress releases cortisol which leaves the body lifeless
Working on my posture, getting twisted in fine print
Spending moments for money doesn't feed the idea of timeless
Baking in the sun, not having fun, I quit.
Not sure exactly when it was that my mind split
I refuse to die without expressing my gift
Or curse, to disperse words even when they hurt in bursts. A surging splurge that can take away my energy.
Not sure if I'm my best friend or worst enemy
Coincidentally the mental fees are a mix between too heavy and really aint ****
But it's been a long time since I believed in coincidence. Time to change the skit - redirect focus from the cobweb tombs to flowers in full bloom. I am one with the sun but currently resonate with the moon. This distance is true, but I'll come back and love loudly again sometime soon. Better make it now, why wear a head full of dread when a smile is more profound? Better make it now.
breathes
Jun 2, 2016
Jun 2, 2016 at 2:46 PM UTC
butterknives lithe.
garbage disposal yoga.
oger cortisol dump.
i guess i'll jus eat my teeth now
and face me.
heartmaw
must
feed.
i have no reason
-or imagination-
anymore
to
stay
here.
not really..
----- pls feel all the feels for me.
this melo d is real,
i swear.
my torn tears tear
down this face
encased in rusty bladelace.
yours diaphanously,
mememe.
its so
*******
sad
Jun 11, 2016
Jun 11, 2016 at 2:27 PM UTC
I see things I can’t make sense of
I strive to be with attributes that don’t exist
I meet gunners every day.
I try to find happiness in the most caffeinated liquids.
But the light never shines and cannot be found
My darkest suspicions is that it’s been buried underground.
Not only can I not find a shovel but I also lack the energy to dig.
I’m feeling so empty.
Drained with nothing to give.
And there’s nobody to reach out to.
Flailing limps, discerning manic.
I can’t escape this attack.
Cortisol levels rising
And
I
Begin
To
Panic.
Apr 29, 2013
Apr 29, 2013 at 9:38 AM UTC
Mist drifts amidst tall trees -
Above cool, clear blue pools
And grass splattered with dew.
We too should stay so cool:
Composed and rational even in a duel.
Forget adrenaline
And lose that Cortisol.
Ever see a dog or cat work out
Or do press-ups?
Watch those animals relax
And sleep:
Only springing up when something happens.
Avoid those fiery rages
As much as you can.
Steer clear of hell
With all its fury and flames
And violent eruptions.
Give me a golden pint
Of ice-cold brew.
Any beer will do.
Even without such help
Let us calm our hearts,
Lay back and relax
Even fall asleep for a while.
For we have earned
Our quiet hours
Amongst those misty trees.
Paul Butters
© PB 26\6\2018.
Jun 26, 2018
Jun 26, 2018 at 6:01 AM UTC
all the cells
in my body
dance in
u n i s o n
to the story
on your lips
my heart beats
to the rhythm
of your hands
on my hips
when you
l a u g h
i can feel
my cortisol
levels dip
and for
a moment
i swear that
you & i
_are all that
e x i s t_
Dec 7, 2021
Dec 7, 2021 at 2:04 PM UTC
I say again –
Fear has a vital function.
Without it our ancestors would have been eaten
By lions or sabre-toothed tigers.
We need it so survive
A terror attack
Or any physical threat.
Yet in modern days even mild anxiety
Has little use:
Filling us with Cortisol and Stress.
We are like rabbits in headlights,
Paralysed with worry
Over those exams and other tasks.
We must not Fear or fret.
As Frank Herbert said in “Dune”
We have to face our fears
And let them pass over and through.
For only we will remain.
We must stay Mindful
Of the here and now
And let the future take care of itself.
So I will not do Fear
Of any kind
Unless that **** or terrorist appears
And even then
I will try my best
To keep my cool.
Be clinical
Rather than angry
For Anger is the cousin of Fear
And only any use
When you rationally decide
To attack.
In short
Do not Do Fear
Or Anger
Unless you really have to.
Paul Butters
© PB 18\6\2018.
Jun 18, 2018
Jun 18, 2018 at 9:14 AM UTC
I’m cocky, I’m clumsy,
Fumbling about everywhere;
Catching applause, dodging boos,
I am addicted to the fear.
Then, Cortisol spikes,
Please don’t leave me left alone again.
I’ve talked too long to Wall,
And it’s drips are dropping in.
From the lashes of my eyes
To my ten ice-tipped toenails,
I’m shivering, alone, destined to just—
—Warmth interrupts.
On my bed sits a Person.
I’m startled, taken aback.
I pressed end,
A new song began.
This person takes a gentle breath,
Blows it out light,
Expels all my demons.
A world's revealed, seems alright:
One where I don’t have to fight?
The binary: break through or break down?
Faking, then overtaxing, my mental might?
My complex analyses of everything,
—My foremost forte—
Was the invisible tangible holding me back.
How silly of me
To make power moves in a vacuum
At terminal velocity,
Until, by degrees, I was turned off track,
Distracted by these demented deals,
The fine print details that I needed, but lack,
And its back to the yard, then back to the—
—Warmth interrupts.
My Person takes my hand,
Pulls us back,
Till side by side
We lay.
I close my eyes,
And forget that wall,
Forget all those screaming caterwauls,
Forget the hate, the pain, the torture,
Though I still hear it call.
All it took was all there is,
Two hands clasped
In a bed for
One.
Sep 25, 2017
Sep 25, 2017 at 5:52 PM UTC
It was a delayed effect,
Slow enough to leave John and the rest to her devices,
Even empowered as they were, song had its limits,
Each found themselves entangled, disarmed and held high into the air,
John was fondest toy, brought in intimately close for a rendezvous,
Andulan caressed him lovingly, tied up in knots as he was, he couldn't resist,
As she bit into his unblemished neck.
Kevin dropped in, riding ****** adrenaline that gave him measure,
Intoxicated by cortisol that nullified his immediate pain,
He and Paul shrugged off numerous gashes to the arms, legs and chest,
Each was stabbed in a near fatal area near their hearts,
But it didn't stop Kevin from cutting him free from Andulan's grasp,
Nor did it prevent Paul from pressing his trident up to her throat,
To bring her down breathless and weakened.
Apr 22, 2014
Apr 22, 2014 at 6:17 PM UTC
Traumatized
Post Traumatic Stress
Most of us
got it
Cortisol fear screaming through
our blood stream
Seeing or being something
people never should be
Adrenal Dumps
Road rage
Meltdowns in the
five to eight shot
morning or evening
it doesn't matter
Memories traveling
on the light of the day
scents floating in the air
the music
A ****** expression
in a crowd
Holding on tight
Jumping out of our
skin
Embarrassment
Feelings of rejection
Than rage
How to handle it today?
The walking wounded
walking on parade
no point in going to the circus
when we are the circus
Maybe it's always been,
What do they say,
The human condition
is the condition
we're in
If we do it right
maybe
(there's)
(next time)
another way
to get it right.
Oct 26, 2017
Oct 26, 2017 at 9:53 PM UTC
One full pill.
Prescribed from,
the white hell.
Antidepressant from the back store,
elevate life to the top floor.
Forced prescription, out of stock.
Oxytocin pumped, hidden cortisol.
Might as well walk the red carpet,
in celebration of Parasite.
As the clock struck,
the midnight hour.
Take the happy little pill.
**** **** don't swallow.
Heavy eyes, don't fall over.
Lies, deceit, promises hollow.
Been 10 years,
time to catch up.
Rewind the clock.
Like a jar of fireflies,
shut it before any escape.
Rogue eyelids,
on a mission to shut.
Weak resolve, strong dose.
Drifted to dreamland.
Summer sun in seasonal switch up.
Sun rays like holy water,
hiss like a vain vampire.
Shops in an anarchy riot,
open the door to the sockets.
Oh, blind justice lady, I am blind too.
Shuffle Shuffle, like the undead.
Dragged the dead body to downtown.
It's a miracle, failed to faint.
Crude world, crude demands.
Have some respect for the dead.
By lord´s grace, limped home safe.
Met the coated monster today again.
Struggled to even stay still.
Advised to adapt, showed nothing but apathy.
A parasitic patient, eat away.
A death drain, drip away.
A strained stranger on a stretcher, carry away.
Tiny changes in hopes of conformity.
Circular cycle starts once again.
Half a pill today.
Feb 22, 2020
Feb 22, 2020 at 8:36 PM UTC
In love with Apathy,
Improvised Indifference,
Passion Powerless,
Readied, To capitulate
turn to me
be gracious
my heart distressed
fists screaming
against a wall
imprisonment
The Cage
Loathe Love
defend surrender
demand forgive
pain pain
pain
roaring
Have you any idea why?
a woman is like cortisol.
set me free
set yourself free
i wish i could
who put you in there
you are my captor
and conservator
May 17, 2015
May 17, 2015 at 3:35 AM UTC
“Hey you! Blame your fate and your past self for making whatever strange and downright absurd decisions that have led you to read this poem.
If you think it is going to be deep, or profound or interesting or in any way worth your time,
You are unfortunately very mistaken.”
Candlestick, both sides blaze
Still a dark room, still an unsteady gaze
Nothing to write. Pen comatose.
Melting skin, heart in froze.
“Honestly I can't take it anymore”
Darkness ahead, and nothing is new
Just move like before, known patterns and cue
“It doesn't even make sense”
Princess sleeps, cold black stone
Don't wake her up to the world unknown
“It's not a cry for help. No one can help me anyways”
You smell the coming rot
Deathly trap, mouse is destined to be caught.
Don't lament his death.
Cause it's not a ******
It's an unforeseen tragedy, that's all.
You'll fall from grace, you know you're soon to die
Why don't you go and run, and do your best to deny.
Screams of pain,
Blood and guts have made this very terrain.
Wherever you go, the world is round my dear.
“OH **** NO OH **** NO OH **** NO”
“Scratch that one out”
Myself standing motionless in doorways and parking,
Dead pigeons, carcasses, eyes lifeless, smile snarky,
You say write what you feel yet,
You claim you can't feel a thing
Drag marks on dry dirt, beast hungry, time to ****
Frostbitten, white marks, death count and the phone may ring
Forget what you said, you never said a thing.
“You know? Maybe it is all my fault”
Beauty, love, pain, dandruff
Regrets creep, phasmophobe, blood altar, lose all hope.
Cardboard box, old stained floor
You speak to death as you close the door
What he said can you tell? Mitosis? Fallen angel?
You seek truth, yet you don't know what,
How truth may it look and will it hurt?
Stare blankly, to the stars, in your may, darkest night
Make your heart raise, fast cortisol trembling knee
The truth happens to be exactly what you see
I look up, with my eyes growing numb
A path shown by a piece of ****
But all I could ever see, was the horizon.
That claustrophobic horizon
Aug 25, 2025
Aug 25, 2025 at 4:52 AM UTC
Do peaceful moments just come of their own accord?
How much influence does stimuli have on contentment?
Cant be purely chemical.
Serotonin, cortisol, norepinephrine.
Like everything in life.....trying to find a balance with far to many variables.
An educated guess. A fun chemistry experiment, this life.
States of mind...
Jun 23, 2017
Jun 23, 2017 at 7:12 PM UTC
We fall in love with looks exchanged
Though some say it's not really love
We fall in love with peoples voices
Forgetting their other traits.
In every grey cityscape,
In every tired estate
Love triumphs quietly
Above decibels of hate.
In every steel Metropolis
Drowning in inequality,
Exists temporal understanding
Between wealth and poverty.
The weary travellers too,
Worn down by years of routine
Smile behind closed doors,
Raging with the chemical joy.
The eyes which glow back at us
Engulf us in molecular adoration,
Like fires catching from kindleling
Melting the rough corners of our day.
Life can make fools of all of us,
But to be fooled is to live.
No masterpiece was crafted
Without painful risk.
And how I came to know
Your glare was meant for mine?
The pains I feel from inequality
Become more secondary.
Just seconds of your laughter
Sweep years of cortisol away.
Overiding the purpose of my soul
For those profound moments of the day.
The joyous glowing of your eyes
Craft a neuro-masterpiece,
As equal measures of dopamine,
And oxytocin ignite my zelous glare.
That glowing behind your eyes
Tells me, it's your soul and mine.
That acceptance of ourselves as fools
In love, is the only escapism I need.
Oct 26, 2020
Oct 26, 2020 at 12:35 PM UTC
Tonight I can't sleep because
I think I can feel my heartbeat in the bottoms of my socks
so I started a list on the back of my prescription because
a paper is just a paper, even one that documents my
unplanned mental tics and the fact that my body doesn't always
do what it's supposed to do to keep me functioning, but I don't really care about that anymore
I don't really care that much because I'm too busy looking after you and I know it's a long shot under terrible conditions and I know you were never looking for anything and that time isn't one of those neatly packaged things
tied together with a ribbon
but in the end, I hope that we don't spoil this
I want to see you happy I just want to see you bloom
and it's funny I'm pretty sure I've never
stayed up this late before for a reason that even remotely mattered but it's different now, it's different because you do
you're over there and you're keeping it going until the timer runs out
and I don't think you know but I'm not just high on caffeine
I'm having nightmares about finding you in your bedroom not breathing
and I really need to do something
I need to be there to make this less surreal, I need my brain
to work in whole pictures and not just doing shots of adrenaline pumping
cortisol into my system always upping my dose right after I leave you
but of course, everything kind of feels like that on this kind of a night
kind of like chewing on glass and pulling my skin off
everything kind of feels like that when I think of losing you.
Sep 29, 2018
Sep 29, 2018 at 2:19 AM UTC
Hangs on a hanger at Good Will
Among many others
Whose time has past
Out of fashion out of time
But their scent remains alive
The pheromones of their lives
The dopamine
The cortisol
The chemistry of our experience
The pleasures the stress their pains
remain & linger in the scents
A lifetime come & gone
Doesn't get much notice
We mostly pass it by
Though you may feel it in the air
from time to time emanating from
The dead man's suit on a hanger at Good Will.
Oct 28, 2021
Oct 28, 2021 at 1:10 AM UTC