I need some space
I need some help
I need to put
Thoughts on the shelf
They circle round
My ferris wheel
Dark memories
And fear I feel

My fast racing mind
Unbridled zeal for the past
To fix far gone acts

The necessity
Of filthy lucre: money
Oils the world's hinges

Someone I know said:
"Our phones are just a small world."
I crave the large world

All I can do now,
Is a minor distraction.
My brain is too loud

My mind is like mud
   slow, sliding down
      a
         H
               I
                     L
                           L

I feel like
      my brain
and all the
      canyons
are being filled
      with

   memories
I
don't
want

Little by little
I will reclaim all the songs
That bring you to mind

I want to change me
Too bad I'm a piece of sh*t
My brain tells me this

I've always thought
        myself a ship
With all others
        caught in my wake
My life, a black hole
        a gaping vortex
There is no hope of escape
        
And I the captain
        drunk at the wheel
There might as well
        be icebergs
I hope to god
        this journey ends
I'm tired of the wreckage

I'll take all the looks
The cold, penetrating stares
I guess you're angry

Taking my deep breaths
Inhale, exhale, in a square
Pulse slows, patience comes

Electricity
My flesh hums in anticipation
I'm completely
Losing
My mind
Literally shaking
My intelligence goes
Out the window
Very
Very
Quickly
Until all that remains
Is the desire
    for
        your skin
            on
                mine.

Sterilized flesh burns
While colored ichor drips, drops
Buzzing needles hum

Ungrateful
Garbled and gassed up gall
Finding flaws for free
I need
To find
Strength
In
The little things

Get out of the way
Self judgement coming through here
Creation blocker

Grit down deep, the final dregs
Looks like I've lost sleep again
Burning fumes, and barking dogs
With hopeless reminiscing

Home is where my pillow is
And not where I can find a friend
So why spend time still wondering
If luck had never left me

Break. Break cruel sea waves
'Cross my brow and back: ceaseless
I hold hope for air

Being open blows
Blah blah, talking, feelings, blah
Verbal vom session

With time on my wrist
It now creeps
Crawls, not cruises

Slow moving sap of
Eternity marching onward
Forward little ants, forward

Such small life
What can I
Possibly
Change?

Re-listening to this music
To find some hidden melody
And rip meaning from its depths

Some are more wild
The will to fight life and its control
Some are more beautiful
To others' eyes
To others' desires
Some are more wounded
Carrying past penetrating pain
Pulling powerfully, preventing prayer
Some are more watchful
Gazing so intensely
Their own life is rooted on patches of blind earth
Some are more
Than life
Than love
Some are more
Some are more...

I need to recall
What it felt like to look up
And always see hope

Swinging from this place, I never thought I'd leave
I craved the welcome comfort, that sense of purpose
There was no end in sight, who else did you have?
But one day, I saw you look at me. With no need.
You had no want, for me to keep you warm
With all my patches and holes, I couldn't help anyone
But I didn't see that. How could I?
So now I hang here, silent
And no one needs me now
A codependant coat

Take life
              s l o w

Move like thickened molasses
I slip step by step
'cross the thinned ice
Testing for the cracks
Gaping holes that lead
To my icy end
This slouching snail'd pace
Comes from past life
My bones still chilled
From former submersion

Take life
              s l o w

Don't know what to think
Just need to let my acts speak
But I'm conflicted

She twists my name
In a welcome greeting
The lilt, a pleasant change
To an oft' heard word
And when my thoughts
Boil and steam my being
That crooked name
She calls out
And reels me back to sanity

I'm an idiot
Open my mouth, remove doubt
God f*cking **** it

Should I stay or go?
What I want and need aren't clear
Someone help me please

My feelings leak
Through this hand, through this pen
My feelings crave
For reprieve, for an end
To echoed voices
And venomous critics

But maybe
Not
Today

The azure horizon
Stretching, grasping at infinity
Sings some song of promise
A welcome melody to the
Ancient aches
And creaking
Of my soul
With damp grit to guide me
And
The waves' whispers of hope

Grip the wheel
         Hold Fast
Waves will crash
         Hold Fast
Take your time
         Hold Fast
This too, shall pass
         Hold Fast

The sweet wine
Passed
Your lips to mine
Breathe
You into me
The wild fire
Called
Our passion
Salted skin
Quickened pulse
Heavy breath
Curved flesh
With
Two
Heart
Beats

I interpret your every move
Twitch your eyes and
Speak volumes
Smile and tilt your head back
Laugh with a honeyed tongue
A tongue to taste
A tongue to bite

I dream
Of you and your failed attempts to reach me
And I relish
At the thought that in my righteous anger

I
could make
you love me
again.

I awake
Saddened by the reality of a world absent you
And dreams slipping swift through my fingers
As sand

For one day
When I have more creases from too many smiles and frowns
I’ll think of you
And I’ll weep
Because I’ll remember how much this version of myself

Craved
and ached
for your touch.

But for now

To sleep

and

To memories.

You scribble, frantic
Your pen, a fragment of the ship
Torn from the wreck
Floating for survival
Clinging to escape the
Angry Seas
Burning Cold
Stinging Salt
Your hand furiously slides
'Cross the page, venting your
Pain
and
Rage
Squeeze those eyes shut
And pray to the gods
For land
For a reprieve

If there is a thin line
Between love and hate
There must be a thick one as well
And on that uncaring hill
I built my tower for you

Music knows me.
Knows my struggles and victories
My passions and prospects, promising
Music knows me
Understands the lies I hide in a cyclical shell game
As I try to hustle life
My attempted con on the universe
Because fear is perpetual these days
And I must escape life's lidless gaze
Penetrative exposure of deception
Because life is played out in music
I can fake a tune
Can fake an answer to,
"How are you doing today?"
But music knows me
Knows I have nothing

                 -i'm fine