there are over one million words in the english language

but when you told me you loved me
last november
i couldn't form a clear thought
i couldn't even nod my head

let alone say it back

the clock reminds me of some time distant
some time when i looked at it and saw silent shadows falling
and earth spinning slower than this
now it spins too fast and all the shadows left and i remain alone
no roof can shelter me from my fears
no arms can caress the surge of panic under my skin
drowsy nights and messy hair
thoughts in disarray and eyes fixed in a horrid stare
turn me into a malady and plant me into a flesh maybe ill do some good there
halt all the thunder and stop all the rain
wrap me in a blanket made of flowers maybe that'll remove the pain
falling into dismay instead of love
and drowning into emotions of a past i once thought was enough
time will pass and the effect of words will wash
and i will be left numb once more and another wave will crash
i could kiss your eyes as you fall asleep
and sing to you and wake feelings that make you weep
instead i will shut you out and away
because in this fort of misfortune alone i must stay

Someone at the end of this hallway
Is wearing plaid shorts
And they look like the ones you always wear
For a minute I think
Oh god, it's him.
And I'm not sure if I'm happy or terrified
Nervous or excited
But it was you in that moment and that's all that mattered.

Terrified
                   of taking this chance
                   and letting you see
                   just how jagged every
                   little piece
of
                  me is.  Broken, all my
                  scattered portions flutter
                  away until I'm no
                  longer sure of just
what
                  picture they used to
                  complete.  And you come
                  along, strolling oh-so-
                  casually to retrieve
this
                  piece and that piece,
                  fitting them in their
                  rightful places again.
                  Each snugly put in with a
love
                  I never imagined could
                  exist in reality. So tell me
                  why, when I so clearly see
                  your pure intentions, why
can
                  I not just accept it all?
                  Instead I wonder, second-
                  guess, and contemplate
                  running.  Can I ever just
be...

You'll hear a million excuses pass these lips,
Just know that they're all lies.

The truth is I'm just terrified.

I’m so ******* terrified of love
I am so ******* terrified of putting myself out there.
And I feel like I loved you because you were ******* gorgeous and amazing and most of all
you were kind

I felt that love would not be a battlefield of angry limbs
and spited curves
with you

And I don’t know what to do because I feel like
I spent so much of my time working my way up to being capable of you even just you

that I might eventually be able to brave a rougher existence

That when you didn’t happen for me I essentially cut the bridge open beneath my feet
once everyone had hastened across.

And now I’m stuck.