i always found it funny how waves crash on the surface of water - chopping up the glassy surface into thousands of pieces,
the closer you get to the bottom
the quieter it gets
there are no splashes when you’re completely submerged at the bottom -
watching the rippling water
and for once,
everything is quiet.

but you can’t inhale under water-
so your time there is limited.

you have to go back to the surface
you have to gasp for air -
you have to continue living in the real world
with the chaos of the harsh crashing waves

and i can’t quite shake the feeling that i feel most at home laying in the bottom of the swimming pool.

life finally starts to make sense -
when you’re watching the world
from below the surface.

6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller

9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class

14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class

16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking

18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly

20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry

23 years old
loves medicine and **** and alcohol
goes running and then to work and then tries to sleep but never can
so she turns on phoebe bridgers and goes on a drive at 3am
she decided that home was a place on her childhood roof looking at the stars but her parents sold the house
she got a tattoo instead of making her own scars because if she’s going to be in pain anyways someone might as well make art out of it-
but she found the tattoo didn’t hurt her at all so the grid on her thigh came back anyways.

people don't understand
the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.

i’m starting to dread living again
waking up everyday..
wishing i hadn’t.

i wish i didn’t have depression.

i wish i didn’t want a break from living.

i wish i could get over my head.

i have so much potential that is wasted because i’m insecure and can’t convince myself that i can accomplish anything.

living to me is so inconvenient.
i don’t want it.

i’ve grown accustomed to my head
learned to function with hating myself but
i just don’t want to do it anymore.

maybe i just need more meds to numb it so i can blindly glide through life like everyone else who never have to feel this ****.

i don’t even know what this **** is..
it’s sad.
and hopeless.
and exhausting.
and honestly i’m done.
i have been done.
but i have to keep going.
and it absolutely *****.

I’m really sad

and I don’t know if it’s because
of the world?
or if it’s all the natural disasters?
or if it’s just my head?
or if it’s because of this pandemic?
or if my meds are off?
or if it’s because they keep canceling everything that keeps me motivated to stay alive?

I don’t know why I’m sad?
I know one day I am going to look back and miss this part of my life..

yet I can’t enjoy it in the moment.
so I live my life hating myself for being sad when I have so much to be happy about.

then I get more depressed because I know I’m going to be sad in five years when I remember that I didn’t fully enjoy all of the good things in my life,
because I was too busy hating myself for
being so sad.

I know I will look back and remember how my head was filled with dark storm clouds and the stupid forecast told me that those clouds are staying for awhile..

all this rain from the clouds
tears from my eyes
make it hard to see clearly.
I can’t get this bad weather to clear up.

I cry a lot.
I’m just sad.
I’m just really sad.

do you ever feel horribly misplaced..?
or unsettled..?
like you don’t belong here
but not “here” as in location..
but “here” as in breathing/living..?

I shouldn’t have been born tbh.
I used to wish I was dead.
but now I just wish I had never existed in the first place.

growing up my parents always
told me that I was a “surprise”
but as I grew up I learned that “surprise” actually meant “mistake”

they weren’t planning on another kid.

but my mom forgot to take her birth control one day and then oops..
I came 9 months later.

me and my brother are only 16 months apart.
my mom had four kids in five years by the time she was 25.

she was young
she was tired.
and I can’t help but think that maybe if she wasn’t so tired, from the three kids.. that she wouldn’t have left her birth control pill untaken that day.
and then maybe, just maybe..
I wouldn’t be mistaken as a surprise
when I was obviously a letdown.
I just wouldn’t exist at all.

sometimes
i think about being a kid again

back when i played tag..
running away from my friends was fun.
i remember how exciting it was to run fast.
i always got an adrenaline rush running away.

back when i would spin in circles over and over to feel dizzy and fall down,
and after i fell i would lay in the scratchy grass and watch the sky because it was fun to see the world spin for a minute.
it was new to see things spin that weren’t supposed to rotate.

back when a swimsuit was just a swimsuit that my mom got for me at walmart,
i didn’t care what it looked like because i just wanted to play at the pool
or in the sprinklers
or to wash the car with my siblings on a crispy summer morning
(but the water always ended up being dumped on eachother rather than on the car)

back when the only validation i needed to be happy was a thumbs up and an encouraging “good job shay may!” from my parents.
because i’m pretty sure they knew everything when i was 5 years old.

back when i heard the garage door and would run to give my parents the biggest hug because every hour they were gone felt like a week..

and now it’s different
everything has something motivating it..

as we learn more,
we hurt more
we feel more
and tbh it *****.

because now
i run to prevent a mental breakdown
i run to burn calories

i spin in circles not by choice,
but because life is ****** and confusing
and makes your head spin..
it’s not anything new
i’ve grown accustomed to my mind
losing balance and falling over and over..
the ceiling spinning in my room at 2:00am doesn’t bring the same joy as the blue sky did.

now a swimsuit has to look flattering
and not show my body too much
because of course,
i’m actually a *******.

now i need validation from anyone willing to give it to me and also from the whole freaking internet
and honestly it’s still not even enough.
never will be

now when i see my parents
i walk up to them
and hug them and say
“hey how are you?”

it’s boring
it’s hard
it’s ******

and i wish i was little
when food was just food

and when running didn’t include
running away from myself

When I was 12
I was hiking with my family, we sat on the edge of a cliff at the top of a mountain,
we were over looking the painted landscape

I remember looking at our feet in the empty air
and I asked my older sister:
“do you ever just want to jump..?”

She nodded and replied with:
“yeah shay.. :) I always wished I could fly too..”

and that is the first time..
that I realized that my head was different.

Because while she was
thinking of jumping to fly..
I was thinking of jumping to die..

and that’s when I started hiding my head lol
followed by a life of hiding self destruction.

i’m currently writing this on tear stained paper
right next to my journal entries from a year ago.
first off i just want to say,
promises don’t last.

there’s something about being so close to the edge but knowing you’re not going to fall.

looking at my feet dangling off the end of a cliff..
i love it.

it’s so on edge
but also so secure
because unless an accident happened..
you’re not going to randomly just fall over.
you’ve sat your whole life since you were a baby.
you’re not going to randomly tip over

for example when you sit in a chair..
you trust yourself enough to eat at a table with confidence that you’re not going to just fall off of your chair..

yet we are so frightened by the idea of an edge
of pain
of the end
the end of what..us? you..? me..?
there is no end according to my town growing up, you live forever.
because of God..? right..?
we go on into heaven.
so even when we push the edge.. they shouldn’t fear right??
because they live on.??
lol where is God when you die?
idk

and i don’t think i want to know
because even though we truly have nothing to fear except the unknown

none of us trust ourselves enough
or dare ourselves to push the edge
to get that slight rush followed by the relief of:
“hmm that’s not so bad”

it’s so peaceful.

idk sometimes i feel like i’m just idling on the edge of a cliff and i just want to ******* gas it

he promised me in thirty years we’d be sitting on this rock and thinking about how amazing life is
ha and guess what?

he lied
life is ******.

kinda wanna die right now

“I remember her saying
that she was really tired..
I asked her if I could do anything
she nodded her head no with a slight smile and said:
no I’m okay :)
——
then I gave
her a hug goodbye
but I guess it really was
bye that time

because the next time I saw her
she was in a casket..”

FEB 2020
sometimes i think about all of the things that have happened and honestly
it shouldn’t have happened this way
this ******* up ****** up way

i wasn’t supposed to be cheated on by guys i trusted
i wasnt supposed to get divorced at 21
i wasn’t supposed to try to die 18
i wasn’t supposed to give up on myself at 16

but hey,
it happened.
and life seems to just happen
right now everything is flying by.
i seriously don’t know how or why i ended up here, i’m grateful for it
but it’s insane
how has it been so long.

it’s kind of sad how temporary the term “always” has become.

“i will always love you”
“i will always be true to myself”
“i will always care”

etc..

“always” tends to end.
like when he looked at me
and said “i will always be good to you”

lol
he wasn’t.

i have trust issues.
and maybe it’s because of the words like “always” and “never” that always end up fading.

or maybe it’s because i believed in
fairytales too much?
i just wanted a good thing.
but i was so naive, good things don’t last.

there is a reason it’s called a “storybook/fairytale”

because those aren’t real, it’s just a tale.

and i’m sorry but that never will be real life
but while things are good we can savor it
enjoy the good, while you’re in it.

i’m tired and i don’t want to break anymore.

i can’t stop thinking about this//
so i was getting ready to do
a performance today,
and i overheard a mom
doing her 6-ish year old daughters
makeup/hair
the little girl told her mom:
“mommy this hurts i dont like it”

and the frustrated mom simply said:
“beauty is pain sweetheart you might as well learn it now”

and i can’t stop thinking about how some of the things kids learn about so young, is so sad.

yeah i don’t know,

i can’t stop thinking about how//

beauty is pain
but pain isn’t beautiful.

i have found that my head goes too deep.
i can’t stop thinking about how sad it is that every single day i will keep waking up.

right now i’m sitting in my car
going on three hours.
it’s raining.
it is currently 12:23am
and i can’t get myself to go inside.

most people’s heads are
similar to
rivers
or lakes
or ponds
some deeper than others depending on who.

it’s much easier to see the bottom of shallow waters.
it is also much easier to stay afloat
and usually you’re closer to an edge.

the deeper it gets,
the harder it is to see through
and the longer it takes to get to a shoreline.

i tend to drown in the ocean of my mind.

i think one reason why the ocean appears beautiful is because of the mystery of what could be below.
also because the reflection of the sky on the water is simply incredible.
we all reflect normality, which is the sky.
it’s still beautiful but everyone can see it by just glancing up.

but most people can tell that there is more to us than just what reflects off the water,
but they don’t know what.

often times people are terrified but also incredibly intrigued by a mystery.

us with deep minds are often seen as beautiful,
we tend to make beautiful art because we have so much beneath the surface.

so many undrawn pictures
so many lyrics not written
so many movements not choreographed

people love to see us trace the shadows that are deep in our minds.

we paint theses things hoping that then maybe - just maybe - they could get it.
or at least part of it.

we create art so people can see pieces of things that they don’t see for themselves
and things that they can’t see from above the surface,

the surface of the water.
the surface of our head.

it’s dark when you go deep in the ocean
harder for the sun to reach
like my mind.

it has spots where the light reaches
but also areas that have never seen the light of day.
it can be scary and disorienting.

i honestly want to die.

but no matter how hard the day is,
i still wake up tomorrow.
we will all most likely make it to tomorrow.

that’s all we’ve ever done,
or else we would be dead.

sometimes i wish my mind was a body of shallow water instead of a complex ocean.
it would be so much easier to understand and be understood.

but i don’t have a simple head.
so i will keep writing **** that doesn’t make sense to anyone and i will keep waking up tomorrow.

i have yet to not make it to tomorrow.
i find is so sad,
and i’m still struggling at coming to terms with it.

breathe in breathe out
pulling over to the side of the road
trying to breathe
trying to see through this fountain
of tears on my face
usually i can pull myself together
enough to drive,
but not today.
breathe in breathe out
finally i get distracted focusing out at the window at the leaves dripping from the tree making crunchy colorful puddles.
i peel my hand off the steering wheel
because i was gripping it so hard
breathe in breathe out
resting my head against the cool glass, honestly i don’t know why i’m here or what i’m doing
my hands are shaking
have you ever felt this way..
it sounds almost as if i am describing a close call to a wreck, or bad news on a phone call.
but no
this is the result of living.
i have to distract myself when it gets this bad.
people wonder why i love nature so much.
but it’s because it’s the only real thing in this world of fake ideals.

I’m sitting in this class watching a teacher talk but I’m not hearing any words
I’m trying to process, trying to try to see the point
What are we doing here because we certainly aren’t learning ****
I’m looking at my empty computer screen
I put my name and class number at the top, align right, double space
I put my name at the top because I’m in college
Because in college you write papers
College makes you smarter
The world sees college as success
And I care about looking successful
Because that’s all that matters
This life is all about pretending
Pretending to learn all these subjects to earn a piece of paper that says you can jump through hoops
It’s about pretending to care about living
Pretending that the marks on your arms are from the cat that you don’t own
College is *******
And yet I’m still going to spend time and money getting this degree
Because this is success
And that’s what life’s about
Appearing successful

‪okay today someone asked me why I’m not trying harder
and it got me thinking haha‬
‪okay so picture this:‬

‪we all have our mountains in life, things that are hard.. right?
okay so, I’m trying to climb my rocky steep mountain of struggles.
‪so let’s say that I'm about ¼ of the way up when I trip on a rock and fall a little bit
but haha it's fine! just a scraped knee.
I get back up and keep going‬.
it was just a little inconvenience haha some bad luck.

so I keep climbing and this time ‪I make it a little bit higher than I did before
but then I fall again, further‬.. and I am pretty scraped up.
I'm alright though, so I will try again.

okay so, let’s say that this repeats itself a few times

but each time I fall lower and harder..
and I'm getting more discouraged and more hurt every time.

by now I feel like giving up, because hiking this mountain feels impossible,
but somehow (even though I have bruises/scrapes and a sprained ankle) I still have a little hope that I’m going to/can make it to the top.

SO with my last sliver of motivation, I climb determined to make it!
I don’t stop climbing and I am so careful, I’m proud of myself.
I have never made it this far up on the mountain,
and I feel so good about life!
I’m about ¾ the way up,
so I stop to admire the view.. and wow life is beautiful.

but right at that moment,
someone comes up behind me and shoves me down the mountain,
this time I fall harder/further than I had even started the first time and this time I wasn’t expecting it at all, it caught me completely off guard. I had been so careful.

so I sit at the bottom of this mountain and look up, ha **** it’s really tall.
I know the view is beautiful from the top.. ‪haha but I don’t want to try again.‬

now I have a sprained ankle, I'm dehydrated and I'm tired.
so even though I know I CAN climb it again,
I also know that ‪the fall will be harder and I will end up more hurt.
for example: If I fall again I might break my leg
then I know I won’t make it up for sure..
so yeah,
I just don't want to climb this **** mountain anymore.
I'm exhausted.‬ I'm really done. and It seems incredibly pointless.

‪SO HERE I am and now imma just chill down here for awhile and eat my granola bars that I packed in my backpack.‬ haha

The first time I rode in an airplane I was twelve, and I couldn’t stop looking out the window at how beautiful everything was from the sky.
I still feel that same way, no matter how many airplanes I go on I will still be that excited.
No matter how many times I see Fireworks, sunsets, the ocean, the mountains, city lights.. none of those things never get old.
Whenever you hold me it feels like the time we cuddled up on the couch watching a movie and I finally felt like I belonged somewhere.
Whenever you tell me you love me I feel like it’s the first time, I feel so safe and close and it doesn’t get old.
I figured out that I feel everything so deep, and I don’t get bored of things I love.
When I fall in love with something I will never stop loving it.
It will make me happy every single time.
I find joy in the small things that a lot of people just pass by without a thought.
You tend to let those moments and things slip away and I always try to remind you how it felt
Remind you of those times we felt so close, but you won’t remember
I don’t know if you even can remember.
You want to move on to different memories
Because our memories aren’t enough anymore.
If you’re not happy with yourself then every girl is going to feel wrong. It’s not me and you. It’s you.

lately i have been dissipating,
trying to vanish.
not die,
but not live.
there are clouds of smoke where my brain used to reside,
now you could classify me as a shell of a human.
this is my own fault,
right?
i became vulnerable
i handed him my heart.
i expected him to do the same,
but he deceived me.
he let my heart shatter on the floor.
i set his beating soul down next to me as i was picking up the pieces of mine that he had carelessly dropped.
turns out he picked up his heart from beside me without me noticing.
when i stood up i handed him the shards of my soul because that’s what you do in a relationship,
right?
you trust that person with those delicate pieces of yourself.
he then continued to grind the fragments of my heart into a fine powder
put it in pill capsules,
and took them as he walked away to a better option.
now he takes a daily dose of me.
he has his heart and mine and a piece of whatever girl he decides to make, no fake, whatever girl he decides to fake love to that night.
what do i have left?
absolutely nothing.
he has left me completely hollow.
heartless sleepless alone
and all i can do is keep waking up and wandering this empty life.
i am so utterly numb
i honestly can not feel right now.
i wish he would have at least given me some of my heart back,
even just half of a prescription.
i have lost myself
to his sick soul,
and it makes me feel absolutely nothing.
but hey,
at least i am making him feel better.
right?
at least the prescription is working for him.
i would hate to see it go to waste,
like the rest of myself.

Did you know cherry pits contain cyanide?
Five cherry pits could **** you
But only if they are broken.
That’s what my heart is full of, cyanide.
The outside of cherries are red and beautiful.
Hearts love, it’s so appealing.
But the inside could **** you.
My heart is broken
Wait, not broken. It’s shattered.
So watch out because if you take me in
I could **** you.
I’m sorry.

I have tried and tried and tried.
And I seriously can’t anymore.
I’m not going to try to fix it.
I stepped it up every f*cking day.
I’m so exhausted
He’s not the same guy and it’s killing me.
I want to leave so bad
But I don’t
I just want him to care again
I just want to hear that he honestly wants me in his life
but he can’t do that
Because he doesn’t want me
I am always part of his problems
And I’m so done
It’s going to take him losing me to figure out that I’m not part of the problem.
I’m done
I’m tired
I want to go home
I used to think home was with him but I don’t know anymore.

I love you.
I just need you to hold me tight.
I know you can’t feel right now,
and I know that when you don’t feel,
you don’t care.
Sweetheart I’m just going to need you to stay right here with me.
I’m just sitting here watching you burn
Like a wildfire on a mountain
I can’t do anything about it
Except watch you turn to ashes.
I don’t want to stay
and watch your head burn up.
Baby please just hold me tight.
Tell me it’s all going to be alright.
You’re burning up
You’re pushing me away
You’re going to leave me
Don’t leave me
Please don’t leave.
I miss you.

Hi there.
Sometimes it hurts to think.
I'm driving around in my hometown
I saw this old park that me and my friends would run and laugh and play at all the time.
We played cops and robbers
Lava Monster
Freeze tag
We acted like knights in strong armor and princesses with glittery dresses and we all slayed the dragons
Well now here I am staring at this old swing set that no one swings on anymore.
I used to think that I could touch the clouds with my feet if I swung high enough.
There is something so lively about a group of kids laughing and playing on a playground.
There is something so eerie about an old empty playground where no one goes.
That playground used to be so alive.
Now the swing creaks as it sways in the slight breeze.
You can almost hear faint whispers of the kids laughing from years before.
Now all those kids are adults with lives and responsibilities that are much more important than slaying a dragon.
The wood has splinters that get stuck in your fingers.
It is not shiny and fun anymore.
It used to be new
But I have found that everything changes eventually.
I wish people didn't leave so unexpectedly.
Anyways I am just rambling
but next time you see a playground
just try to look away.
it hurts to think too long
Bye.

A little white fluff on a green stem.
The green stem blends with the surrounding grass.
When I wanted my dreams to come true my eight year old breath would blow the white fluff.
The sun would make the flurries sparkle and dance in the summer breeze.
It truly was magical.
I believed in fairies and wizards.
I remember the day my uncle got upset because I blew magic all over his perfectly green lawn.
My uncle informed me that apparently the fluff was a ****
not magic at all.
There is an innocence to not knowing.
The part of me that believed in magic and princesses disappeared.
I guess people have two choices in life
They can see a ****
Or they can see
magic.

I am obsessed with becoming a woman who is comfortable in her own skin, I don't want to hate myself anymore
I will keep drinking zero calorie sparkling water and doing sit ups until my stomach aches and smiling through the painful runs
because **** it
its going to be worth it
I don't need the dinner roll
I don't need the candy
I just need to be proud of my body.
I am on a journey to being healthy, and it may be a little bit twisted but it will end good, I just know it.

It's hard for me to open up to people
Because I am not where I have been.
I put up a pretty strong wall and it takes a lot for someone to get past it.
I have changed alot.
I justified the things I did, because honestly I needed to.
I got so low, I tried to die. I tried to **** myself.
People don't understand that when you are that low you will try anything to get yourself out of that hell. Just for a minute.
So yes, I have gotten high and I have tried alcohol and I have vaped.
Am I proud of that?
No.
But in the moment those things distracted me from my head and that is why I did them.
Because if I could distract myself long enough I could make it through another day.
I was living in hell.
I still have hellish days.
If you do any of those things, you aren't a bad person.
If they are helping you make it through today then that is okay.
Find something to hold onto.
Anything
And eventually you will start improving and your life will change.
Don't be to ******* yourself, we are all trying.
Keep going.

Open your eyes
look at the ceiling,
okay just see it.
Walk outside and watch the sky
how it exists for you.
Honestly life is just about existing.
Put your toes in the scratchy grass,
think of all the bugs that might be underneath you,
they are just existing.
Watch as the flowers dance in the wind
they are performing for you.
The world is on your side.
Society is not,
but the world is.
put down the magazine
put down the phone
put down the calorie tracker
put down the social media.
lets go outside so that we can breathe
so that we can just simply exist.

cutting over fresh cuts hurts like hell
but I always end up doing it
because I deserve the hurt
I deserve to redamage myself
It's like when someone hits close to home
or when someone is kicking you when you're already down
I am just doing it to myself.

The minutes leak away
I just needed you to stay
I'm tired of sculpting gifts for you
Then you just shatter them on the ground
The pieces of me disrupt your path
I hope that you can flicker enough light to make it through the night
I would tell you to walk slow
Take your time
Be careful not to cut yourself
But you won't listen to me
So ignore my shards and run through the night to your other options
I'm so incomplete
Maybe that's why no one ever stays
I didn't want you to stay anyways
I have a room full of art that I'm too scared to share
Because it will end up scattered all over the floor without a care
You taught me that
Thanks for being a good teacher
Now I know that I'm not going to light anyone's way, I can't
You threw me away
I won't keep handing you my pieces
Plaster can't fix all of this
Flicker your way through life without me
It's better like that
I guess this is goodbye

Going to sleep isn't hard anymore
I'm so tired of everything that the exhaustion just takes over my body
Because that is where I am supposed to be
I am supposed to be resting in the ground
I am supposed to be gone
Unscrewing a razor from a pencil sharpener is where I am instead
Shoving a toothbrush down my throat
I tried destroying myself completely and it didn't work
people got angry
So instead I will keep going bit by bit until I can finally disappear

the tequila melting down my throat has the same burn as the antifreeze
I want to ******* drown in it

We used to swing under the big willow tree
We lived 3 doors down from each other
We were princesses who fought dragons
We could save the kingdom and find our prince by lunch time
Our moms laughed and talked about how cute we were
Four years old was a cute age

Fast forward a bit
We went into elementary school innocent and young
Boys had cooties
Girls had cooties
Kickball always ended with someone getting hit in the face
We would always sit out field and pick grass and shape it into a little birds nest
Life was good
Until your parents started fighting and I mean really fighting.
It scared me and I would have to go home
I would make you come with me
three doors down
Our moms didn’t laugh anymore
By Christmas break your parents were broken up and divorced
Eight years old was a confusing age

Junior high was mean.
Girls would rip you to shreds and then hang pieces of you on everyone’s lockers
Boys just wanted to make out
A whirlwind of uncontrolled hormones
We were the quiet ones
Always flew under the radar
Just trying to make it out alive
We found a little spot to eat lunch under the stairs where no one would go
We giggled and talked about boys who didn’t even know that we existed
I remember crying in the bathroom with you because people were brutal and we weren’t good enough
Our moms worried about us and how distant we were becoming
Thirteen years old was a sad age

Highschool is another story
You were put in the hospital for a month
I was left at school alone
I had to find more friends
I found most of them were fake
So I ate my lunch in a bathroom stall
Reading all the swear words that were carved in the wall
You were really sick and we grew apart
We were always close
We will always love each other
You tried to save me from myself
But I didn’t let you
Seventeen was an important age

Now we are at different colleges
I tried to **** myself while you were getting an A on your anatomy test
It’s sad
We don’t swing under the big willow tree or fight dragons anymore
Our moms hardly talk
You are a success
and I am a failure
We don’t really mesh
I miss you every day
I’m sorry I can’t be good enough for you
We were princesses who lived three doors down, we saved the kingdom.
I love you
I’m sorry this has faded
Just like everything else
Nineteen years old is a dying age.

you know that classic love story
the boy sees the girl
she has beautiful shining hair and perfect skin
a smile that radiates like the sun
their eyes meet and they feel a spark.
well i have never heard a love story about a girl with a zitty face
a girl who wears big hoodies and sweatshirts everyday to hide her body that has too much flesh
a girl who
a girl whose smile is more fake than the foundation that she slams on her face to give the illusion of good skin
is that all we care about in this life?
the illusion of perfect
the illusion that the scars on her skin are from a cat
the illusion that you make so your parents can be proud of you
the illusion that living doesn't hurt like hell everytime you open your eyes
the illusion that everytime you wake up youre not terrified to live another day
i will never have a classic love story
because most days i wear big hoodies
because most days i can't smile
because most days i put my hair in a bun
because most days my face is exploding with red spots
suicidal depressed girls don't get happily ever afters.
in this story
the boy will look at the girl
he will see her
and he will look away.

Did you honestly think that filling me with pills and therapy would change my will to live?
you couldn't have really thought that.
You thought I was willing
to get better
to try harder
I am trying every ****** day'
I can't anymore
Right now all I can do is exist and I'm sorry if that is not enough for you.
snapping an elastic on my wrist
laying in my bed
my thoughts strangling me
I don't know why the hell I am like this
I have no right to feel like this
I have a family who loves each other
I am at college on scholarship
I should be happy
but I want to die
no matter what I do it will never be enough
My car is idling
on the side of this cliff
I am ready to fall
please just let me fall

My mom and Dad called me at 6:30 this morning and asked me "are you even trying to get better?" And the only thing I could say was "I'm working on it."
Like I don't know what the hell "better" means. Is it being the old fake perfect me? Going to church every week? Smiling and laughing at the right times?
Is that "better"?
Mom I don't even remember ever feeling good so I don't know how you expect me to get there.
People don't want to hear that you're struggling. They want to hear that you are getting better and if you are not getting better then you might as well just hurry up and die. Stop wasting their time.
Idk that's really dark and ******* up.
I'm just venting.

Ask me why I am wide awake at 2:36 am
Ask me why the lines on my skin are multiplying
Ask me why people keep leaving
I am so ******* up
my head is so ******* up
I keep remembering the nightmares
they replay over and over in my head on repeat
I am not getting as much sleep now
I don't know why I exist
I am tired of people asking me how I am doing
I have to lie
tell them what they want to hear
people never really want the truth
they don't want to hear
"I am struggling and I am drowning in my mind again and all I want to do is die"
they want to hear that you are getting better
and if you're not getting better then you should stop wasting their time and just die already
just slip away
The world is so ******* up
I don't want to be here anymore
2:26 am awake
lines going up my arms
people won't stop leaving
I just need sleep

I sit here looking at the sky
wondering if you are more like a sunset or a sunrise
this mark on my arm
looks more like a storm
black clouds covering the blue sky
your pale hands
strong
too strong
wrapped around my arm as you tossed me to the ground
I am just an object to you
one that changes colors
you seem to like the colors black and blue
my body is covered
stains left by you
I love you so much
I am sorry I had to escape
I still sit here staring at the sky
my hands are shaking
my head is chaos
you are a sunset
the sun dies but it is so beautiful
until the sky turns to dark
you turn dark
just like the sky
I hate you so much.

If I ever commit suicide I think that as I die there will be a flash of pictures of what my future could have been.
That's one of the only things keeping me here.
The hope that things will get better.

I'm sitting here trying to put my thoughts into words.
Trying to take my mind and type it up
Everytime I start writing I delete it
Like my head
Whenever I start to think
I press delete
Delete my mind
Delete my soul
Delete me
I'm empty now
All this erasing has me hollow
An old dead tree
Looks strong on the outside
Empty on the inside
Just cut me down
Please cut me down
I don't want to be here
Death isn't beautiful, but neither is living.
I just want this bullet to press the delete button in my brain.
I wish I never existed.

Are you okay?
Are you feeling alright?
What is wrong?
Why don't you talk to me anymore?
You changed
Are you better now?

Yes I'm okay
I want to die still but I'm okay.
My head is wrong I'm wrong the scale is wrong the mirror is wrong.
I get anxiety when I talk to people now,
It's not just you.
I changed because my head tried to **** me.
I am so much better.
I'm good.
I just want to cut tonight
I just want to die tonight
I just want to puke tonight
But I can't
Cause I promised my parents I wouldn't.
I want to self destruct.
"Try coping skills"
Coloring a picture is not getting rid of my head.
I can't deal with you. My head is my head and you don't understand it. No one does. Im a screwup.
I'm so sorry. Okay.
I am broken.
Okay I'm sorry
I need to grow up but I can't and I want to die
I don't want to try and grow up.
Mom I'm tired so tired and I need a break.
I need to breathe.
Death isn't beautiful, but neither is living.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I have to keep trying
Keep living.
This is really hard.

have you ever felt
empty
have you ever felt
shattered
have you ever felt
wrong
9 days ago
I broke
9 days ago I decided that I wasn't worth it
I was shattered and empty and wrong
I woke up that day
I faked it so well
Laughed at work
Dressed up for a wedding
Then I sat in my hollow car
My thoughts echoing from window to window
I just needed to escape
my head
my car
my life
I couldn't fake it anymore
Antifreeze and sleeping pills
then it gets blurry
Hospital for a week
I don't want to say I attempted
because I failed
I am trying to be grateful for this second chance.
Waking up everyday
choosing to live
choosing to fight
Attempting was the most selfish
thing I have ever done
It wasn't for attention
I wanted to slip away
disappear
escape
fade
I am getting better
I am finding reasons to live
realizing that I am not nothing
I think life is worth it
It's going to get better

Attempt:
An act of trying to achieve something.
A week ago today, I attempted
I attempted to leave
To breathe.
I got slammed in a mental hospital
The first day felt like a year
But then your life drifts away
Day by day
They blend.
Those places drive you to insanity.
I am lucky to be alive.
I have dealt with so many tears and worries and nerves in the past 24 hours.
My brother got a tat of my name on his arm.
My 12 year old cousin cried while she hugged me for 10 minutes.
My dad broke down.
“Baby I just can't lose you”
“We are just so scared”
“Don't ever do that to me again”
I matter to alot of people and I just am starting to figure that out.
I need to learn how to matter to myself
I am attempting to get better
I have hope that I can do it
Achieve:
A thing done successfully, typically by effort, courage, or skill.

She never really thought she would do it.
She never really thought she would be sitting here with a bottle of antifreeze in one hand and sleeping pills in the other.
Shaking
Debating
Panicking
She got to this point
Destroying herself
Suffering in silence
Hiding her mind
Hiding the cuts on her arms
She feels so selfish but she can't care
She has always destroyed herself
But now shes destroying others too
She hates herself
Anxiety
Note
Death
Tells people
Don't worry worry don't don't worry okay don't I'm fine fine fine okay I'm good
If this doesn't work
Life
Disappoint
Hell
****
But if it does
Done
Disappear
Alone
Empty
She doesn't know what is going to happen
She has now been sitting here for 2 hours
On this mountain
All alone
Phone off
Her mind is killing her
Chug
Gulp
Water
It's done
Now she just has to wait 3 hours
Anxiety attack attack anxiety who will find me it's going to hurt
Acute kidney failure
How she's dying.
She is crying
Crying
Vibrating
Questioning
Turns on phone
Phone on
Call someone
Someone anyone anyone
She wants to die
But her family will hate her
Her family will be heartbroken
10 texts
4 missed calls
Wait crying bawling
Her asking
Why can't I just disappear?
Why can't I slip away with no one knowing?
Why do I exist?
Why do I hurt everyone?
I wasn't thinking think
I was freaking freak
Call
Someone
Now
No
No
No
No.
She whispers to herself
"I just can't do it anymore"
Wipes away a tear
Reclines her seat in her car
And falls
Asleep.

Eyes open
Feet on the floor
Stop to look in the mirror
Step on the scale
Cringe
Brush teeth
Avoid eye contact with
Ugly/*****/worthless/sad/girl
Close the door behind you
T shirt + leggings + converse
Eyes watering
Breakfast//no breakfast//fat//skip it
Keys
Open door
Turn on ignition
And drive away.

This is just getting out the door in the morning. It's getting harder everyday.

I can't do life right now.
I can't live right now
I am surrounded by my thoughts
They have out swords
My mind's not backing down
It's stronger than me
No Mercy
I tried running
I tried hiding
I can't hide anymore
It's holding me captive
My life on the line.
I just need to get lost
Please lose me
And once I'm lost
Don't bother finding me.
I don't want to be found.

What are we doing here
Piled high with things we are supposed to do.
Places to go dishes to wash floors to vacuum lawns to mow boys to kiss girls to *****
Why the hell does any of this matter
We are driving in the dark with no headlights.
Why do we do any of the things we do
We follow society blindly
People ask me why I'm insane.
I'm asking them the same thing
I don't get it
We get put in mental hospitals because our insanity isn't "normal" enough
We aren't following "normal" enough
So we get high
We become suicidal
Try to **** ourselves
We cut our skin
Cause we are so confused
We are so broken according to everyone
We are so ******* up
So numb
As to why we have to live this ******* way
Who the hell decided that this is life
I hate myself
I hate my head for thinking this deep.
Try turning on your headlights
Maybe you will understand
We aren't even insane at all.
You are.

I hope that one day I will actually be able to do things right.
I hope that one day I don't have to hide my head.
I hope that one day I will be skinny enough for ballet.
I hope that one day I can look in the mirror and smile.
I hope that one day I graduate college and move to a cute town.
I hope that one day I fall in love.

I am running out of hope
It's drizzling out my eyes and falling on the floor at my toes
I can't pick it up and put it back in my system.
I am running out of options.
I want to succeed but my life doesn't seem to work like that
I am so exhausted.

I grew up in a small town where normal was stupid and above average was normal. Girls wore their 8 extra curricular activities and 4.0 GPA draped around their necks with pride. Along with the boy who ****** them last night. But oh at church on Sunday they are still going to be virgins. Maybe I'm rambling. Maybe I have to rethink every word I say because, they helped destroy me. They helped me pick apart my body. Pick apart my brain. Maybe their designer clothes were okay. But the way they would shove others off their golden pedestals with a simple glance is what ****** me off. We weren't special like them. We didn't know the ins and outs. We didn't get the football players begging at our feet. We were gifted knifes in our backs that would leave traces of poison for years. Careful, word travels fast. We were expected to be like them.
I am so bitter.
But it's just because I grew up in a small town where normal was stupid and above average was normal.

I fall in bed at night
I can finally take off my socks
It's 98° outside
Branches going up my ankles
The shape of trees in winter
If my family saw
it would raise panic
I honestly don't care anymore
I don't care about anything
I want my body to be a canvas and a blade to be the paintbrush
Showing that I actually hate myself
You think you're okay until you see red
The moon picked up the knife
Slid it across my skin
Ink falling on the white tile
Words I could never say spilling out
This is not okay
But neither is dying
And this is better than dying
So this is my choice.
I am going to end up dead.

They shove me full of pills because something is wrong with me. I am a broken carnival ride and the pills are supposed to be the mechanic. They are supposed to fix me. My head is going insane. You don't care. The difference between me and you is I am in my bathroom and you are ******* someone in bed. The difference between me and you is I want to die and you want to live. The difference between me and you is I am dismantling myself and you are trying to ride me. I'm broken. The mechanics are making it worse. But don't worry the insurance covers it. The insurance covers my head. Can I lay my head on a soft train track? Insurance would you cover that for me? 4 5 6 pills. How will I feel, can someone ride me yet? I am destroying myself.