Blue like the diamonds in their eyes.
A childhood broken on a rusted slide.
The rungs of the ladder are gone,
The sirens of the city moving on.

“he will destroy himself” he looked up at her, her hair like the smoke trailing from his fingers. tears traveled down the length of his nose and collected on his lips like salty dew drops. “the star thief will one day become what he stole” and she left him with this, the universe collecting on his shoulders like sand washed onto the shore.

A kiss does not have the power to **** you.
Wound you? Maybe.
But never eternal rest.

A kiss does not lead Death to your door.
It is not the Grim Reaper wielding a scythe.
It does not hold your soul in its hands.

But it does hold your heart.
A kiss may not have the power to **** you,
But it does have the power to bring you to life.

Talking without thought is not talking at all,
And we'd rather keep silent than divulge our darkest secrets.
The darkest words are written on our hearts,
And the lost thoughts are the brightest among the stars.

Soft music playing over dark surroundings,
The scars we bear are proof we're we've strayed.
Like a butterfly in the rain,
We dodge the words that bring us pain.

Will we see another day?
                                                           ­                      Will we see another day?


And we thought we've cried an ocean,
But we've only gone lake deep.
Before, we knew where we started,
Now we don't know how far we've lost.
A step behind, but stepping in time,
We fall short to find the world catches up with us.

The moon guides the waves,
Which washes the words written in the sand away.

Will we find another way?
                                                           ­                   Will we find another way?

We start to find that we thought we were swimming across an ocean,
But it's not nearly that far.

Hollow eyed and frozen in time,
There's no way we can jump back to life.
And there's no more time,
To make all the wrongs that we wrote right.

is it possible,
to dream and lay awake?
i know who i think of,
but yet the name i cannot
place.

i see the lights
you lay in your wake.
paint me a shadow
that i may dance with
late into the
night.

your arms are
the only haven i call home
but what is home without
you here? it is not a place
i can see.

walk, bruised and broken
through these battered
bones of this house, still i
walk lightly, careful not to
wake these beasts that
haunt me.

and you are
the dancing figure walking
along the bones in my chest.
these are not the careful wings
of butterflies i called my
friends.

instead it is you.
and i know your intentions
this time.

Laid down, the only answer that can be given.
Clearer light, separate and distinct, from the same fountain.
Ambition, to counteract ambition.
Human nature, to reflect on human nature.
Angels were to control itself.

Divide and fortify. Natural defense, safety. Absolute negative connection between this weaker and the weaker.
All the power surrendered.
Evil will render This, turned against, broken into.
Justice is the end, pursued until it be obtained, or lost in the pursuit.
Unite and oppress, anarchy to rein as a state of nature,
not secured against the violence.

you can't stop your heart as it beats erratically.
      now isn't that funny?

and your breathing is gone but yet you still live.
      how i thought you were weak, oh, what a whim.

now your stomach is empty, but you're full to the brim.
       you fight with your life, yet you can win.

and a god never thought humanity could live this long.
      you fight wars as you sing death's song.

we had lost our sanity in the night,
blowing smoke from our lips.
the taste of you is still sweet on my tongue.
and we’re an explosion,
bright for a moment and then gone.

we cannot find what we live for.
sweat drips off bare bodies being pressed together,
like melting wax from a burning candle.
there is a grace period where we can
fit in our sanity, just for a short time.

sand slips past knuckles,
satin sheets gripped in fists.
grinding teeth against slurs,
we leave our fingerprints
on an empty pill bottle.

cold wind bites my cheeks.
red and orange and pink
expand across the sky,
like blood flowering from
an open wound.

We confuse what we say, tripping on our tongues
Caught on a thin line between the shadows and the light.
We are drowning in a warm place, a high we cannot reach, words we cannot preach.

We are lost in the limbo of what we hide and what we show.
We are the static of a confused connection, scattered pixels and broken sound.
See our outline on the blue screen, we are ready to be overthrown.
Hands reaching for the sky but touching the ground.

A mixture of color and black and white, life against truth.
The grey area, the words in our minds and mouths and let go.
Inked in words on white walls, distorted blots and acid down your throat.

We are lost in the limbo of what we hide and what we show.
We are the static of a confused connection, scattered pixels and broken sound.
See our outline on the blue screen, we are ready to be overthrown.
Hands reaching for the sky but touching the ground.

We are the catalyst for your breakdown, the chemical fix you need.
The flash of truth behind a liar’s eyes, a rusted lock that has no key.

We are the static of a confused connection, scattered pixels and broken sound.
See our outline on the blue screen, we are ready to be overthrown.
Hands reaching for the sky but touching the ground.

We are the static of your broken explanation.
Watch us wither and die as you drag your feet, a long way from home.

stray
from me

please,
don't go

i will
swallow
you
like poison

oh
but the
pain
feels so
sweet

you
are
my
last
mem
         **ory

"is that all you think this is? fun and games?"
"of course! where is the fun if you are not insane?"

how is it a game if none want to play?

like the bubbles of a bath
coalescing together
the sky is one great sea
i’m sinking clean in
rivulets of cosmetic colour
where the glitter are stars
i’m sinking in this night
as clouds clot to one another
cheetah print hover
i’m sinking in my footprints
headlights break the silence
playlist play a song to break
my vision sinking
senses swimming in
play me some 80s synth pop
until i fade into abstract image
am i a stain on the universe
or am i some profound detail?
play me like an unrendered
record player, nonexistence
parallel to my existence
the vibrations tuning into
my sinking frequency
i’m falling up into the horizon
what impression does my
splash make in the ocean
of this sky?

what are we without our dreams?
our imagination, inspiration, aspirations.
what happens to a dream forgotten?
when our thoughts are like dough,
and dreams are no more.

what drives the stars to shine?
what drives the gods to thrive?
what drives a human to be kind?
what would be of us if Prometheus
didn’t sacrifice his freedom for our knowledge?

dreams in us strive, thrive, make us kind.
we are humankind with the stars on our side.
we shine with the hearts of dreamers,
and with fire in our hands,
and the dreams in our heads,
we will make our own constellation.

I’d like to wait a moment
I think I’m in deep.
my eyes. ever so gentle.
my lips, light as a butterfly,
lovely I sighed.

rumbling inside
starting to pull away.
wrap around me.
all that my heart felt.

pull back,
I had done something wrong.
I had done something weird.
wearing like a cape,
watching me run

memorial magic disappears
& I am left grasping
at nothing, again.

i hope that when they look at me, they can see your ghost in my shadow

so much red, and none of it light.
the way it stole beneath fingers,
life spilling across the floor until
that horrible cusp, the instant when it ended.
stopped being a person and became a body.
No transition, no ease, gone and there, there and gone, gone.
bloodstained fingers searching out skin.
They whispered their sins,
listen, look at me, I’m here.
Corpse, a simple word that did so little,
failed to describe what was now a shell.
the same colour as a soul, but empty,
useless the moment it left veins.
Violence begets violence, monsters breed monsters,
rising up beside the red. shadows twitch,
looking down at itself right before death.

spelled out in the stars
heavy as a rain-filled sky
raw, frantic, born of desperation
confusion, something stirs.

It is a dream. I am dreaming
I must be. I have wanted for months
I have heard your voice in my head
you are dead.

Love cannot live here.
pulse fluttering reminder of mortality.
years are nothing, will die, will abide,
becoming less as time passes.

your ghost, a flash
I, this hideous thing.
That touch, crush what thrums in my veins.
easier to speak of than this feeling in my chest,
my heart, carved out of me
I, a fool.

looks like broken
Make it easier. Don’t be pathetic.
Not yet.
desire more desperately, revelling in the warmth
the curve beneath my hand.

I breathe Against my will
I sway, a Ghost seeing nothing
feeling nothing, bleeding, a shadow.
Turn around, my past whispers.
I don’t. I hear no goodbyes.

this will never go away,
i know with certainty.

when i see the way
your hair begins to curl
as it’s growing out.
the way you look,
i remember your smell.
the feeling of you in
my heart.
beside me.

my heart will always
beat for you.
my soul will always
shine for you.
i will always
feel for you.

these palpitations will
never leave me alone.
no matter how much i
want them to.

the sun sets at
four pm today &
here i am again.
reading poetry with
a stolen cup of
wine from my
mom’s cooler in the fridge.
as my cat sits next to me
coaxing me back from
a depressive ledge
for half an hour
as i read & watch
people richer than me
go shopping on the
television.

you kept me company for
a day & a half
and yet
it’s less than 24 hours
later and i want to jump
again.
i can’t tell you my last
words because then
you’ll try to stop me &
i can’t live with that.
i haven’t been able to.
and if i don’t call in-
don’t call back about
that job application
i always let
everybody down.

i wish i had the sleeping pills now
because this liquid courage might
let
me
drown

Lightning never strikes the same place twice,
but the phantom pain remains as the Earth
grows into new skin, again and again.
As I attempt to accept this heart & soul
on my own, willow wisp wishes to keep me
company. My clothes cling to my limbs, I am
soaked to the bone in my own ocean.
Barely grown oak trees caress my aching
body, to bring me back home. The scent
of petrichor floods my senses, and I know.
I am clean again.

My heart is pounding. I’m cold.

Should’ve worn a jacket instead of trying to impress someone who doesn’t even care enough about you to stop dragging you over the gravel of their soul. *******.

I didn’t eat lunch because I’m scared and confused and I don’t know how to feel even though I know I am feeling.

Stop.

And if human emotions—feelings—are such a normal thing and we feel them everyday then why do I feel so ashamed?

Because you shouldn’t feel the way you do. You’ll just get hurt.

But maybe I don’t care about the backlash of what I do now because it will only matter later, and later doesn’t matter because what is will be. I want to feel things now and be numb later because then I’ll at least be back to not caring what people say or how they treat me because anyone who’s attention I’ve wanted to get just rejects, regrets, forgets about me anyway.

You don’t need to be loved to feel love.

And I know you don’t need a person in your life, your thoughts, to get yourself to feel but I don’t care because I want to see a face when I think of love. I don’t care who it is, where they are, I just want to know that I feel—

You deserve more than this! If they hate you, degrade you, make you doubt yourself, then the way you think is no better than the way they act! They kiss their knuckles before they bruise your cheek, and they pray to God that they won’t feel guilty even though you’re the one who’s left bleeding! And I know you can’t help how you feel but you have to try because in the end you’ll just feel like ****, biting down on your lip to keep the sobs in while they watch you unravel but you’re still wrapped around their finger! And you have to let go, unravel yourself from their hold even though they’re letting you slip through their fingers and you’re still holding on! You have to let yourself go, because you want to feel but you’re pigeonholing what you allow in so only the things you know will starve you have perfect aim! You want to feel, but you’re not letting yourself feel true enough because you refuse to let go of what you want instead of looking for what you need!

*…Stop.

He used to know her.
He remembers her.
He knows her.

He does not know her now.
He cannot know her now.
He will not know her now.

Her hair is red, like the
blood dripping down
her neck.

He remembers when
her hair would glow
in the sun.

She is not a blonde.
Not anymore.

Her eyes are black, empty,
the soft caramel brown
that he used to know is gone.

Her cheeks are covered
with blue marks,
and her skin is broken
in many places.

Blood drips down her shoulder.
She limps as her wing hangs
broken behind her,
dragging in the mud.

She is not who he remembers.
But she is who he will never forget.

i went to the place where
we first met,
and there i saw
the corpse of who you were.
i stood over you
i let the flies hit my face
i watched the vultures circle
waiting, waiting
until i finally left &
they could pick at your bones.
i stood there
as the clovers ate you
as my hands were left with blood.
i saw your corpse on that hill
where you said my age didn’t matter
i could still send you nudes
at seventeen & in love
with who i thought you were.
the you i thought you were
died on that hill
as it should have
when i asked you to stop drinking too much
and you didn’t
when i asked you to stop smoking so much
and you didn’t
when i asked you to never leave
and you did.
you died on that hill.
and i stood over your corpse
with my own blood on my hands
after killing myself for you.
i watched decay eat you on that hill
and i stepped back into myself
and i walked away.

i didn’t bother to bury you.
the vultures ate what was left.

They have slain the life
who lit my eyes alight.

They have slain the sky,
in all colourful starlight.

They have slain my flame,
leaving dead coals unbright.

And they have slain
all my feeling.
My moon, my sun,
all is dead and gone.

And they have slain
the mercy inside me.
I will break the stars
to bring back what was
ours.

Now I have slain,
and as you wait for me,
in the skies beyond the sea,
know you were my mercy.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME
AND I PRETENDED NOT TO CARE BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED
I REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU
AND YOU DID NOT ******* CARE.

when you water it.
where you water me.
don’t overwater, please.
i’m already rotting.

may i be the tower in tearing down
your structure.
in the same breath i am the chariot,
carrying you forward in light
past the destruction.
a living example that all of us have
to fall in order to pick ourselves
back up again, & carry on.
to rebuild back stronger you must
leave behind the ruin
to rise anew.
rubble ghosts blind the eyes
from the heart & jam into the wheels.
tear down rotten structure & leave
behind the thoughts of the mind
to refuse change & recovery.
i am a human with incredible buoyancy;
nobody else tears me down from
this tower better than myself,
just as nobody else can pick me back
up & make me get back to work
all over again, repeat the process
until you learn.
repetition cursing karmic cycles
break the chains of rigidity
embrace the cycle of chainge, cyclical.
the sun turns the planets which in turn
turn each other. as the earth
turns the moon, & the black hole at
the center, turns all of us.
remember to myself, this is part of the
process. lows are just as necessary
for learning as are the highs.

you smelled like
cheap leather,
and cigarettes.

no wonder i had
headaches.

sometimes i can’t remember what i was doing
and i forgot about the bruise on my neck
you lick slicked polished
and i don’t think anybody here cares
i’m a gas station worker behind the counter
begging for ID’s as cigarettes sit between two still sharp teeth and—
i hope yours never break like theirs.
never rot or fall apart like your mind is already starting
to and the only people who care about the mark you left on me are the
men who want to make their own
as if seeing a consenting form of affection deserves hostility
toward me. but they forget, too, it was your lips
versus my neck
and i once compared you to a vampire but i guess
now it’s true
but i couldn’t resist you
then
and i can’t resist you
now.

let them growl & grovel at my feet.
you grew fangs to bite me and i will
grow talons to claw their eyes out.
we’re all leaving here with marks tonight.

my body is
always moving the water
with the power of a heartbeat
inconsequential waves
infinitesimal ripples
we are so small
but so powerful
and i don’t know how that is.

mind boggling the difference between
conceived and reality.
how young i must’ve been
to convince myself to have a mind-altering illness
just to fit an image
just to fit in.

the dark thoughts were only conjuration
and i wasn’t depressed at all
though now i learn that the people
around you can shape who you are
and who you will become.

i aged &
didn’t know hate until
i woke up and met myself.
i slept through the days &
walked along highways.

when i was young it was easy to fake
and make a spectacle of the brain
when people thought they cared because
it was easy. i could still
laugh, and eat, and sleep normally

instead of in class isolated
depressed with a dying mind i
couldn’t comprehend why
it was easy the first time because
it was so much less complicated.

and people only like you when
you’re fabricated but as soon as
you become real the monster becomes
real it’s a conscious decision to let go
when you need all the help in the world

to not let go i was hanging on by
a thread when before it was a rope
ladder but it doesn’t matter when
you decide to make it all a noose &
hope they see you swinging

like it was always a sick spectacle.
people love depression when it’s fake
but the first night you try suicide
always ready to label as ‘bait’
and maybe i’m still not okay

but i’m over it. i understand the difference
between conceived and reality
the only lesson i learned was to hide
just to unlearn again that i can’t
listen. i thought i knew what depression was
at thirteen enough to act like it
and it mattered then more than
my actual depression.

i’m trying to mend many things at once:
myself, my relationships, my environment.
my hands will shake. & i will run out
of breath. i will need to disappear for
a while to collect myself. so i can carry on
again. i will take my time to respond.
thinking about what i say with as much
scrutiny as i can muster, is a taxing task.
i am trying. i am trying with all my might,
with these broken hands, with this broken
body covered in scars no one can see.
with this broken heart bleeding,
to make right what is wrong within myself.
i will plaster these cracks behind this
mask, with your words. forever reminded
of how i can do better. and i will
keep going, with these broken bones.
these chains, i will carry whoever i can,
whoever i can save, the way i couldn’t
save myself. and i will mend whoever
i can, the way i couldn’t mend myself.
with these broken hands. with this
broken heart. with this broken body
with this broken mind. behind these
broken eyes. i have lost too many pieces
to piece myself back together. but i will
try. & i will try to put everyone i can
back together, with the pieces of myself
that are left.
& i will try, to mend what is broken.
even if i can’t be mended.

i wonder if people catalogue you
like time in their mind.
if there’s an allotted space for you
hidden between the hands of the clock,
passing by hours without thought
are you sectioned off somewhere
a time of night people don’t go near
the streetlight hits you and i see
you touch you to call you real
the space where you were becomes
smoke through my fingers.
i wonder what time of space you
exist in and
can i come in?

i can’t write
****** poetry
though the lapsing
hours spent
are ***
and you said
it can’t hang
from your rear
view
and that’s how
you knew
that car wasn’t
a cop.
they don’t have
an aesthetic like
you
forgo the
hula girl
there are better
palm trees
than me
with brighter colour
and better design
but you hang me
from your rear
view mirror

i’m falling out of place again &
i’m sorry we haven’t spoken in weeks
i really liked that boy i did
& i thought i could have a friend again.
i don’t know.

i’ve been working all week but when
is that an excuse when you’re eighteen?
sometimes i feel i should be twenty-three
barely making ends meat
i want to go to parties i shouldn’t
be at and drink until my heart’s content
and my liver protests
i want to dance all night long under
flickering black light pitch night
(take a photograph through
****** filter lens)
in clothes i’ve never worn before
where i can feel your hands through my
shirt without taking any of it off
show off
i like the smoke around me but never
inside & i think i’ve done enough tonight.
i’m tired.
please come inside.

i’m trying to write, right
write right what has been wrong
i lost myself in breakdown
retrograde spinning backwards dizzily
can’t remember who i am, who i was
or who i’m meant to be.
i need a hand to hold, as you held mine
and tried to remind me,
i’m here, i’m complete.
but words ring empty when
i still feel so hollow, i scooped myself out.
am i dissociating? a persistent occurrence
for weeks four weeks.
i take the medication and feel separate
from myself but when i don’t i am myself.
i hate myself.
i wish there were a medicine that could
make me love myself.

i want to clean out my closet
all the clothes that don’t fit,
never have never will.
all the skins of myself i hang up,
too tight, too loose, too wrong never right.
i’m tired.
i know i’d miss myself,
a self i never was and i’m sorry
i gave you the impression i was different,
and worth understanding,
when i don’t understand myself
hardly at all any of the time.
i just want to know why
where i went and will i come back,
like dad who left for milk and cigarettes.
i want to move away,
forget everything and start again
where nobody knows my name, who i am.
i’m so sad.
i’m sorry i’m not myself,
i wish i could be, for you,
for me, too.
i’m tired of searching.
this constant skin shifting itching
like a rash i scrape at myself
only to make it worse
and i just have to learn
to let sleeping dogs lie,
and let the caged bird fly.
i want to come home. i want to belong
within myself,
but i’ve never felt so out of place.
i think it’s time to take my medication.
i’ll see you someday, wherever i went.