i hope that after i tell you i'm your son,
you'll still love me.
that's my biggest fear.
losing you.
losing the people who raised me and were there for me when things kept falling apart.
the generation gap is a bit big but i hope that you can find it in your heart to,
at least,
accept me.
hug me and tell me i'm your son.
don't abandon me.
i know i'm older now but a boy still needs his parents.
i need you.
please keep loving me.

i'm extremely okay with my life and me.
i feel comforted by the fact that one day i'll be owning my own bakery and coffee shop.
i'll be surrounded by the people i love and
i know that they'll love me back too.
i thank the univer for the good and the bad times,
for i know that they'll only do good in the end.

it all just felt like summer.
not summer when you're older but summer when you're a kid.
for me it was running after the ice cream truck,
playing soccer in the park and when i'd get too hot, i'd pour water on the back of my neck.
it's eating strawberries while watching cartoons with my siblings,
waking up early to go to garage sales with my grandmother.
it's all of these things into one big, great feeling.
it's a ball of of light inside that never stops growing.
these things,
these memories,
i hold onto them so tight,
stiching them to my heart as a guarantee that they'll never go away.
loving you feels like this.
but you surpass all of these things that i hold close.
quicker than a heartbeat,
i'd exchange all of these if it meant that we could stay here,
with each other.
loving you feels like summer.
not summer when you're older but summer when you're a kid.

it seemed impossible that flowers bloomed during the winter but with you around,
it was a meadow.
it felt like spring then summer then spring again.

i can't wait to love someone the way i love you
and for it to be right,
completely right.
right timing and right person.
it's like you and i were on different pages,
different books,
but we felt the same.
how does that happen?

sometimes i still wish for you.
i wish for when the world ends,
we meet each other again.
different bodies,
different circumstances.
but this time,
same book, same page.
can that happen?

i can't wait to love someone like i loved you again,
and i hope that someone will still be you.

it felt like it all went away in half a second.
when i looked at you,
i didn't see light anymore.
i saw a body with a personality.
i felt like i didn't know you anymore.
nothing fell,
my world did not collapse,
instead, everything went still and all i could hear is our breathing in the silence between us.

i'd go the longest without talking.
the silence ran through my veins,
replacing the blood streaming through them with sadness and the feeling of being empty.
open mouthed,
i forgot how to talk again.
at random times my eyes would get teary again.
who wants me here anyways?

i've always loved writing. for a while i stopped.
last year i lost someone very important to me. it felt like my heart was getting ripped out over and over again.
after he passed away, i felt like writing was all i had left.
although most of the words i typed hurt,
it was an outlet. it saved me.
i remembered why i started writing in the first place and it was because of him,
everything was for him.
i go by moon on here because
this is all for him.
these words show progress and recovery and getting back up from being down,
this is for him.
my moon.

you keep flying away,
even when you're sober.

where do you go when you fly away?

dear mother,

i've blocked out every memory of us together.
the scars that have been left will forever be visible.

it's mother's day, mom.
growing up, i stayed glued to your side.
a mother's boy, some would say.
i loved, and still do, love the scent of your perfume,
there was no other smell like it.
summer mornings of us going to garage sales with my grandmother.
summer nights spent with you and dad,
watching t.v,
i couldn't ask for more.
you were my first bully.
for a long time and even sometimes now,
i blame you for the way i look at myself and life.
but nonetheless, you gave me life.
you being alive and seeing you go through everything has taught me that no matter what,
i need to keep growing and staying strong.
mom, thank you for telling me you still love me even when the taboo topic of depression came up and caused me to have those "bad years",
you'd call them.
thank you for loving me.
i love you, no matter what.

i thought that if i spoke louder than you then you'd finally be able to hear me
but you don't.
your hands push me away and i remember being stuck to your doorway, i saw how scared your eyes were and the venom you spout out wasn't you,
i knew it wasn't you.
i let you break my heart because it made you feel better
and if my words couldn't then at least the cracking and, ultimately, breaking of my heart would.
and that's all that mattered to me.

you're 15 years old today.

i remember holding you when mom brought you home from the hospital,
my little baby sister.
your small hand wrapped around my finger.
beautiful.

you started high school this year and i'm ready to hold your hand through it all.
you got this, girl!
i'll try with all my might to be there for you so you won't feel alone if you do.

i've been thinking a lot about my own kids in the future.
how i think that they'd probably have to take care of me,
i don't want that.
i don't want them to see me like this or go through everything i went through.
how i'd try my hardest to protect them from the world with my scarred and bruised body.
how i'd try to fill their head and soul with everything i never had.
i used to roll my eyes when my parents told me they gave me things they didn't have
but i understand and feel for my future kids.
but i will not be my parents,
i will not turn away from my kids,
instead with open arms all the times.
accepting,
forgiving,
loving,
everything i don't have.
i've been thinking about how we'll all live by the sea,
teach them how to hear the wind and let it in to heal your soul and mind,
teach them that it's okay if things get to much.
i'll give them my heart endlessly.
i'll give them everything i never had.

as you told me your worries and i stood there,
looking like a fool,
looking like someone who hasn't been through anything,
i couldn't speak.
one word responses was all i got and in this moment i wish i had read every self help ever made so i could help you.
i wanted it all to come to me,
the things you were looking for whether it be compliments,
advice,
help,

the cure.

worrying about worries that aren't mind shut everything in my body off and i'm sorry.
i wish all you dealt with was put on my shoulders,
it would break me and wear me down to the bone but i can take it if it meant you never felt this way again.

my dad is kicking me out, he's been verbally abusive and i guess this was his next move to make my life miserable.

i have 83 cents to my name and he's kicking me out in a few days.

i hate to ask but if, whoever is reading this, has even a dollar to spare, it would help immensely. even a prayer would be appreciated, thank you so much.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

my cashapp is $blipofjoy

you were everything right,
everything perfect.
i couldn't muster up greater words than,
'i love you'.
you are the sun after the rain,
the breezes in autumn that make me feel like i'm supposed to be here,
the white trees at the edge of spring.
no flower could compare to you.
your overflowing passion,
and compassion
made me feel alive.
jaw dropped and heart open,
i knew you are the one,
you were always the one.
i don't know how i've managed to live without you all this time.  
my last puzzle piece,
the person who tied everything together.

i've almost forgotten what your voice sounds like.
i hate the way my dad acts when he's with his new lover,
it reminds me of how he would yell me for breathing.

the nerves of the first day of school are back.
for some reason,
these jitters brought out tears and anxiety.
i don't want to get back again,
i've been trying really hard to be okay.

never thought i'd make it this far.
so much has happened that has led up to this moment and
i'm
Terrified.
i've been broken, withered down, taped back together and even healed.
the emotional roller coaster that has been brought before me will be ending and next year,
i will be
Free.

i know with you, i don't have to act like anything.
i don't have to act like anything is wrong,
like anything is okay.
we just Be around each other.
i never knew what just simply existing was until i met you.
you remind me of breezes that surround me when i lay on a park bench,
so gentle and comforting.
the butterflies in my stomach landed on your shoulders and you helped me understand what Everything was.

yeah i guess you can say that they're old.
i mean, they've been there for over 20 years.
20 years.
i grew up with those couches.
i remember eating a bowl of strawberries then falling asleep on that couch.
those were the couches that i sat on while i heard my parents arguing.
the same couches that family sat on at christmas parties and childhood birthday parties.
all my cousins and siblings and i watching cartoons,
we sat on Those couches.
i always throw things away,
rearrange my room,
but this is bigger than than.
it's hitting me that,
these couches,
will no longer be.
"out with the old, in with the new."
this is part of the new chapter.
more memories,
hopefully more good ones.
yeah i guess you can say that it's about time
but,
they were ours.

so,
couches,
thank you.
thank you for being the home and sleeping bed for me and my family on those lonely nights.
thank you for being simply there.
good bye

it started slow.
we said hi to each other when we walked into class.
then we started greeting each other outside of class.
one day, we talked about music and i started to notice the softness in your voice.
another day, we stood next to each other and joked about putting laxatives in the school water,
the laughter and agreement that filled the air felt fresh and new,
this day i noticed how beautiful his smile was when he laughed along with me.
eventually, when i walked into class,
you got out of your seat and walked across the classroom to simply tell me
good morning.
that's when it started picking up.
time felt warped and even stopped those few minutes i talked to you every morning.
today, you moved from your seat and sat next to me.
i hid my hands under the table,
i didn't want you to see them shake.
i tried not to look at you when you talked to me,
only looking your way when your eyes were averted and focused on your paper.
we shared earbuds today, you showed me Dio but i couldn't listen to it because i was too focused on the way your head moved to the guitar riffs.
when class ended, you asked for my phone number, you held your phone out with one hand and i accepted it with two.
my shaking hands held the phone as i punched in my number,
2.....1.....4.......4.....1...4..............it was torture,
i prayed that you wouldn't notice my hands.
cheers to new found butterflies.

we talked and we talked.
my phone laid on my stomach,
waiting for it to buzz,
hoping that it'd be you who lit up my screen.
i felt like it was valentines day in elementary school again.
the butterflies in my stomach fluttered and hit the walls of my stomach every time i thought of you.
you kept calling me cute and i told you that my heart was yours.

how lucky i was to be loved by you.

i miss the warmth of your hand that rested on my back as the other pointed to the night sky, pointing to your favorite constellations.
i can't stop thinking about that night we were on the swing set and you told me you cared for me.
it was small but it meant everything to me.
drunk on your love, i felt the world spin faster,
as if it was trying to sync itself with my heartbeat.

i remember nervously giggling and feeling the heat run to my face as you touched the collar of my shirt.
how you would try to catch bunnies and how you told me you'd buy me a cat.
you always told me how much i meant to you and mattered
and because of you,
i started to believe it.

oh, how lucky i was to be loved by you.

i won't be able to make it another year.
two days in and my entire soul and anything alive in me feels like it's been ****** out.
i refuse to let my mental health get bad again.
i can't let myself become the me i was before again.

when i was younger, i used to take naps when i was sad,
i still do.
it was an escape of reality for me,
i didn't have to think of anything.
it was a break of everything for me.
sometimes, i'd dream of something,
other times, i'd dream of nothing.
i liked dreaming of nothing.
when i dreamt of a white room or complete darkness,
that's when it really felt like a break.

so i changed everything,
in the moment i cut off my hair,
rearranged my room,
put up pictures that haven't seen sunlight since That day,
set a new set of goals,
drank another glass of lemon water,
cleaned the living room, the kitchen, washed the dishes, cleaned both bathrooms.
i changed everything and microcleaned every surface in hopes to change my fate.
but will it?
i started to run out of things to say, places to clean, hair to cut,
then that growing feeling washed over me again and numbness made their home inside my skin.

and just like that,
light, fresh air, seeing everything, seeing Myself, seeing how i've lived up to this point, everything, all of it
all at once.
the veil was lifted again and the person i was seems so far away.
there is no past.
this is a clean slate.
i am a new person.
i am not my past, it just happened to me, i am not stuck there because if i was, i wouldn't be here.

i am here.
i am not there or anywhere but here.
going up and forward.
no more looking behind my shoulder,
no more opening scars,
no more of that.

i am reborn.

i have to love myself. i really do. and i'm learning, i'm getting better at everyday. and i'm so proud of myself. without the people in my life, without their love, i would have never made it this far.

there are times where i regret that i stayed for this long but there's starting to be more moment that even on my dark days, i still find peace and beauty in the world and in myself that makes me want to stay.

i don't have a dream in life. from a young age, i didn't know i'd make it this far. i thought i'd die at a very young age but i'm here. i don't have a dream and it's still a scary thing for me. i'm learning to not be afraid. it's okay to not have a dream. i'm going to be okay, i'll be okay.

i've been thinking a lot about memories, spirituality, and how i can never see myself in five years let alone one. i don't know what to make out of these three things that seem to circle around my mind like vultures.

memories:
there are some i wish to forget. those memories make me sad and they make me feel small again, i wish to get rid of these maybe replace them with really really happy ones. but these memories are sometimes my muse and kick to writing what some people would call beautiful. it's hard writing about good things or good times and i don't know why.

spirituality:
i've realized over and over again that i have lost myself, you can say. i've tried time and time again reaching this part of myself and i have multiple times but i've also let go. whether it be because i was busy or i just couldn't feel what they said they felt. i want to connect with this part of me again and hold tightly to it.

how i can never see myself in [blank] years:
i went through a rough time at a very young age. it started in third grade, that's when it got bad but it can date back to first. through the years, things got harder and i understood less of myself. i wanted to end my life in sixth grade, that's the first time i felt that way. i didn't, obviously, but that thought has been woven into my mind. i didn't think i would make it this far. i planned my days until, what i thought would be my departure. but i'm still here and i'm lost. again, i didn't think i would make it this far.

these three things are what worry me the most. writing about them is like the tangy smell of orange peels.

so i've said earlier that i wanted to put together a book and i've finished it but i wanna print out some copies to give to my friends and family. but it turns out that it's actually pretty expensive lol, so if it's too much to ask for, even a dollar would help!

thank you,
moon

my friends looked at me like there was something wrong with me when i said i wasn't afraid to die anymore.
how our school shut down and how after everything,
i listened to us go in a circle and share thoughts like,
"it opened my eyes. i'm happy nothing happened to us. i want to live, this life is worth living for."
i listened to them with envy and sadness.
when they all looked at me to agree,
i couldn't.
i told them it didn't matter to me.
usually saying these things would bring tears to my eyes,
but alana, ryan, jessica, emily,
i can't feel anything but sorrow and grief.
i told them how i would sacrifice myself to keep them alive.
"don't say that", they said.
but it's true.
they told me how they would stop coming to school if i departure.
i told them i didn't matter and to pretend like i never happened,
like i was never here,
real,
breathing.
i told them that my ashes deserve to be flushed down a toilet like the fishes that died 2 days after winning them from a fair.

because i am nothing.

i closed my eyes tightly before opening them again.
as my eyelids made their way up,
it was revealed that my world was still spinning.
my breathing got heavier and it's strange how something that weighs nothing feels like the weight of the world.
my hand kept writing,
i had to convince myself that i was okay.
it all felt too real.
one moment,
well,
i don't remember how i felt,
but now,
now,
everything feels too Here.
your face and your features are perfectly aligned and i'm afraid of how everyone around me is breathing.
everything was spinning and i could hear your voice but i felt like i couldn't open my mouth.

when i was in middle school, i dated someone older.
not that much older, but older.
he was perfect. i told him everything and told him i loved him.
i made him pictures and gave him a crown.
on good days, he told me loved me too.
on bad days, he told me i wasn't worthy nor wanted.

when i was in high school, still young, i dated someone, my best friend.
friends since middle school, we loved each other.
she supported me and held me.
the more we were together, the meaner she got.
i let it go, every time.
she told me that we weren't meant for this world, that we were not meant for happiness.

when i was in high school, now older, i dated someone who liked me.
i was afraid when he held my hand.
flinched when he handed me his jacket in the cold weather.
i was excited to see him.
he waited for me after school by the main stairs.
i was afraid, afraid that he would turn like they did.

now, i'm talking to someone, not dating,
who calls me late at night when everyone is sleeping.
he likes me with my clothes off and when my breathing gets heavy.
during the day, it's like last night never existed,
like i never existed.
and i let him do it.
because i'm not worthy, or wanted, or meant for happiness, not capable of love even when it's true.

it's september.
your eighteenth year,
already!

no, it's not 2016 anymore,
nor any year before this one.
you are safe.
it can't hurt you anymore,
they can't hurt you anymore.

their voices are so foggy and muted now,
look at that progress you made!
you're not breaking anymore because of that one day in math class
or the words they said.
look at that progress!
you haven't forgotten
but instead, you've wrapped all of it up in a blanket and held it tight close to you.
you are okay.

sailing it away was bittersweet.
it was all you knew but it's so far away now,
how can it help now?
it never did before.
let it go.

and now, the now, the present,
whatever you want to call it,
is Here,
it's now!
you're afraid,
oh, so afraid.
but hey!
you are okay.

the unknown isn't a dark tunnel anymore.
it's an open field with roads paved into them by people from before.
follow one or make your own.
either way,
you will be
okay.
remember that.

things hurt sometimes.
the rain get too much some days and your clothes feel heavy and your skin feels too tight again.
i see you hugging yourself when you're around people.
you're okay.
you've grown so much that you Know it's okay now to have bad days.
the storm leaves,
it always does,
remember?

you are light,
you are love
now.
you're great and okay and hopeful.
you are worth so much more than you think.
keep telling yourself all of this.

you are light,
you are love.
you can move on now.
don't be afraid.
i won't let go,
i will be here when you fall and i will be here when you fly.

so keep growing.
grow!
go!
move!
it's possible!
look at how big this world is!
grow and love and love and love
and
love.

now grow.

it was just an indescribable feeling really. loving you, falling in love with you. it felt like warmth.

my heart beat so loudly yet with ease around you. my cheeks feel pink and all i can focus on is light in your eyes when you talk about the most simple things. roasted dandelion tea, your dog, the way the leaves fall from trees in autumn and how you feel yourself move with the wind.

i can't count how many times i've looked at you and just thought "i love you" without verbally saying it.

i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

i took out everything that reminded me of you and put it on my bed.
things that were in hiding places so i wouldn't come across it in my everyday life,
i can't risk overthinking about you again.
these are just things yet they hold years and memories inside of them.
they used to look bright and carry light but now looking at them,
they're dull.
looking at them now,
i don't see your face or the year behind it,
they're just Things now,
Objects now.
they feel light in my hands,
no longer weighing me down from new objects that are to come.
ready to let go,
i pack them all in a box,
laying each one carefully on top of each other.
i'm starting to forget the sound of your voice but i'll never forget how it made me feel.
i sealed that box up tight,
hugged it once last time,
and put it on the curb on this bright thursday morning.
i'm letting go.

i let myself feel sad because they told me that it's okay to just feel,
"let it out",
so i did that.
i held my head underwater to feel the pressure in my ears to match the pressure against my heart.
i sat in that red chair and looked at nothing,
listening to brand new,
feeling like every sad movie ending crumbled into one sad person.
a deep breath followed by a sad sigh.
everything is so sad,
sad
sad
sad.

one year, my love.
365 days without you.
my heart is dark today.
i miss your smile.
i miss seeing you everyday.
my baby boy, my best friend, my sun,
my moon,
my everything.
i keep clenching my teeth to keep sobs silent,
it's been like this for a year now.
i can still hear your laugh sometimes.
i swear i see you in a crowd of people sometimes.
i need you to hold me again,
to tell me i did well.
but you can't,
so i'll tell you.
my heart is forever yours.
these breaths i take are yours.
we'll see each other one day again,

on break for almost a week already and this is what i've learned and saw:

1. it gets better
2. school ***** and sometimes it's a lie when they say high school are the best years of your life, most of the time they're not and that's okay
3. i like dressing in really loose clothes
4. after i'm done with school, i think things will get better and be better for me

you filled my notebooks with poems about your eyes
and how my stomach felt when i was around you.
the past was the past yet it still lingered and had the same effect on me as if it was still happening.

i felt my cheeks getting plumper as i smiled at you.
your voice made everything quiet,
i could think clearly again,
nothing felt too loud
not even my thoughts that would scream at me all the time.
you had the power to make me want to be here.
you opened your mouth and all i could think of were flowers blooming and trees in the wind.
we laughed and talked all night long,
giving each other hints at christmas presents.
the night came to an end,
it's two in the morning.
"i love you,
good night"
"i love you too."

and as you spit venom at me,
i was looking for the nearest exit.
an exit that took me peacefully and painfully away.
an exit that sounded beautiful like the rain before That day.
an exit that i would never come back from.
hearing and feeling your footsteps fed my anxiety and all i could do was wait,
wait for you blowup against me.
you spit sweet venom that you knew would make me want to run,
you spit sweet venom that you knew would make me feel powerless,
helpless,
wrong,
unworthy.
but darling,
you'll never see me again after tonight.
no, no,
because I am backpacking the sky and meeting up with Him.
i will become a star in the sky but i won't shine for you.
you'll hear my voice and see my face in trees and on butterflies.
but walking here on this soil you burnt,
you will see me no more.

i floated through your cosmos.
touching every star, every rock, every planet, even the pieces of wandering debris.
i liked yours much better than mine.
the pressure that always used to be in my head was no longer.
i looked at you and i looked at all of this and i could swear i heard a voice telling me to stay.
to stay for a little longer,
that i didn't have to let go.

so i didn't.
i held on tighter to you,
to all of this.
the stardust hugged us and we felt whole.
we danced with the stars and spun the planets ourselves.
we floated through Our cosmos.
loving and living as one.

i miss your smile.
i miss how'd you understand me without me even saying a word.
i miss the way your eyes would turn into half moons when you laughed.
i miss that too,
your laughter.
i can't stop replaying that day in my head.
i keep trying to forget but i feel sadness being hung over me,
it's hard to pretend it's not there lately.
to this day,
and until the end of my days,
i'll always wonder what i could've done,
if i could've loved you more than i did,
if we all could've loved you more.
it's been a year since you've felt the grass in between your toes,
or threw your hands over your mouth to muffle your laughter,
or getting to see how things would've turned out differently.
i'm trying.
i've always dedicated everything to you but i hope i'm making you proud.
breathing is harder some days more than others.
i hope you can visit me in my dreams soon,
give my arms a squeeze,
tell me that you're okay up there.
don't forget to save me a seat next to you!
i promise i'll have so much to tell you when it's my time.
i hope you found your peace.
i love you dearly and i would do anything to see you again.
my moon,
my reason for breathing,
my everything.
i miss you.

oh how i regret letting go of your hand.
i still remember the stars in your eyes as we shared this song,
we smiled and that's when i knew the world spun for us.
oh how i regret pushing you away.
i still remember you covering my ears as you waited with me in the cold weather.
we held hands.
oh how i regret letting go of your hand.

i looked at you and felt close to nothing.
i felt my soul leave my body and my mind turned off,
i disconnected from reality
and this was the first time i thanked my mind for this coping mechanism.

i didn't want to be living this life.
it took a complete turn and i didn't want to stand here,
looking at your life fall apart too.

the feeling in my hands left and i could feel my nose run.
i've never felt more here and more grounded and hated it.
i looked up to the grey sky and wondered why.

why did my life fall apart right when i thought it was going to be okay?

i miss you.
i'm coming home.
i forgive you.
please welcome me with open arms.
i'm sorry,
please forgive me.
i miss your warmth,
i need your warmth.
i'm coming home.

i kept reading.
i read about 365 degree vision,
light,
feeling free of all feelings and only feeling calmness,
of how some saw their loved ones,
and i felt better about all of this.
i kept convincing myself that in the end,
it would be all okay.
please forgive me.
please forget me.
i want to find peace.

there must have been something we missed.
did we take the wrong road?
was it fate that we grew apart or were we never meant for each other?
the pain and happiness that eventually blended in together while we were One felt far from comfort but it was something we had.
it was familiar and i think we had our own comfort in that alone.
the red string we believed was between us was nothing but a hand tied rope around our waists.
we molded ourselves into each others __.
there was nothing wrong.
wrong timing.
wrong everything.
we were the right people but we haven't grown enough.
we were still sad teenagers who cried at each others sadness.
we haven't seen the beauty of life yet and because of that,
we grew apart.