it's about remembering.
you were my first love after all.

the after school bus, middle school,
that's where we met.
you eighth grade, me sixth.
you apologized for your friend because he bumped into me,
the rest is history.

high school we meet again, after school bus.
i see you look at me through the bus drivers mirror,
i try not to look too, the rest is history.
but we talk again,
closer than before,
older than before.

exchanging numbers, good morning and good night texts, birthday presents, confiding in each other about the past and the current day, late night walks.
oh, the late night walks.

side my side through our dark neighborhood and through the trail, underneath the streetlight.
your hand on my shoulder, the other pointing to the sky trying to get me to see the constellations,
i was looking at you the entire time.

oh, my first love how you've taught me what love really feels like.

she told me not to so i could finish my shampoo bottle and conditioner bottle at the same time.
i never do.
one is either too full,
i'll never finish them at the same time and i think that was the point but why do you want me here?

i love the way the trees look when it's windy but recently,
not even they make me want to stay.
i'm sorry.

i can't shake this empty feeling that fills up my entire body,
my entire soul,
my whole existence.
it's something that's too big for me to ignore and it hovers over me,
waiting for me to get better.
waiting for me to smile, to laugh.
and when i do then it hits me,
i feel nothing again.

why should i stay?

when i left, the days followed were
horrible, terrible, full of misery.
i'd sit with myself, no intention of thinking of you,
no intention of doing anything with you,
but there i would be,
writing out everything
again.
i wanted to keep the memories of Us alive and because of this,
my salted wounds stung and left scars,
they made time move both slower and faster at the same time.
we got farther away from each other yet the concept of Us remained.
i began to wonder if any of it was real.
i couldn't see you anymore so was it real in the first place?
i really nope it was because even now,
i'm still debating it.
maybe it was my best nightmare,
maybe it always will be just that.
i stare out the window wondering if you think of me as often as i think of you.
i wonder if one day you'll come back and say you're sorry, and i'd fall to my knees in joy that you're just... Back,
that you're Here again.

i shouldn't want that.
i shouldn't want you to come back
but right now, i do and it hurts.
everything hurts again,
over and over again.
why did you have to be so perfect?
you were a piece of heaven and you destructed my life so beautifully and gracefully that i thanked you for it.
why did i love you so deeply?
i know soulmates and twin flames and other halves are cliche to you but we were all of it combined,
all of it at once and i loved every moment of Us.
you were my soulmate, my other half, my most lovely and loved partner.
i kept saying that we were just in different dimensions when we ended but now i'm afraid that that was actually the truth.
we're both somewhere else now and maybe,
maybe you won't come back.
i'm trying to be okay with that possible, maybe fact.
but right now,
i'll love you and i'll hurt over and over again.