It is not fair to
Me that good people die and
That bad people live.

Today was good.
I think they all missed me.
Or maybe they just missed the chores I did...
I don't know.
All I know is that it won't last.
It won't last.

Words can be beautiful
Words can be ugly
Words can make your heart beat faster,
Or tears run down your face.
Words can sew you up with a needle and thread,
Or they can slash holes and scars in you that no matter how many times you fix them, they keep-keep bleeding.

Words can hurt.

I'm so sad



But I don't know why...

Life hurts.
There are good days
And bad days
But if there's one thing I have learned,
It's that it
Always
Gets
Better.

Pick up my phone
Hm...should I text him?
When does he ever text me?
Put my phone back down.

Pick up my phone.
Want to text him.
When does he ever text me?
Put my phone back down.

He'll text me if he wants to talk to me.

The dark void
Engulfing me with every
Stride.
Black.
The mixture of every color
Yet...the only one that can show the stars.
Darkness is my friend
Darkness is me.
But light pushes around me
Breaking
Breaking me in half
Wrenching away the only
Warm
Comfort
I
Have
Ripping the cold that I call home
Away from my writhing soul.
"I can't breath."
I've told people that before, but it was nothing like this.
My lungs are caving
In
My friend-
My only friend
Has betrayed me.
It reaches inside me,
Congesting
Everything.
My fingers are numb,
My thoughts are void,
Slipping like short-lived treasures through my dead fingers.
Nothing exists.
Outside of me.
And yet-
Everything does,
And only I am dead.
Nothing lives in me.
My breath is gone
My thoughts are fleeing
"I won't hurt you, I swear.
I just want my friend back-
I just want the void."

Muffins in the oven
Music in my headset
Smells wafting through the house
Egg and hash-brown casserole waiting to be made
Silent people sleeping mere feet away.

Today is a good day.

I'm insecure
I'm angry
I'm sad
I'm upset
I'm jealous
I'm negative
I assume no one loves me
And I could be
Lonely in the middle of
A crowd.

But I love you,
So please never stop loving me.

Plastic smiles
I don a fake face
I prep myself
For the day.
The time is coming
When they'll all see
Me for who I am.

This is the day
This is the day
They lose

They can't see
Who I really am.
They don't know
It's all a sham.
The time is coming
When they'll all see
The mask that hides my face.

This is the day
This is the day
I win

Oh, look what you've done
We're all fools
Every one.
And this
This is the day
We live

I'm "too big"
I'm "too small" now
"Wear a wig"
"Take it off" now

What do they want,
What do they want
From me?

Oh, look what you've done
We're all fools
Every one.
And this
This is the day
We live

Can't think of any-
thing to write on this cold night
What then shall I do?

I apologize
Over and over again
But I shouldn't.
It's your fault.

You think you can play
With my heart but you cannot
My heart is my own.

"I'm a silhouette asking every now and then
"Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?"
I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home"

~Sillhouette, Owl City <3

Nostalgia always
Keeps me awake through the night
I wish it would leave.

My contacts don't like me.
And even though they're small.
They think my eyes are ugly
So on the floor they fall.

Mondays are hard.
He only wants me for my body-
For the way I was made
But he also wants me
To perform
For him.
I can never understand
What he wants from me.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Tuesdays are light.
He looks at me like I am the only thing
In the world
The only person.
He holds me tight
And tells me he loves me
Without hurting me.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Wednesdays are long.
He has had a
Long day
Of work
And dealing with his boss.
He will let me hold him
And rock him to sleep,
Brushing my cold fingers across his sweaty back
While he falls into a slumber

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Thursdays he is happy.
He gets to see his
Delinquent mother
And visits his
Abusive father in jail
Only to spit in his face every time
And tell him he hates him.
I don't get it.
My faith wanes more every day.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Fridays are better.
He doesn't think about
Anything but me
We go out together
Holding hands
In dark
Theater
Seats
While we share popcorn
And memories.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Saturdays are terrible.
He drinks
And
Drinks
And
Drinks
Until he's not the same
Person he was
On Friday.
I don't get it.
Why can't he just love me?
He hurts me
And beats me
Bruises
Everywhere.
Hidden, but there.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Sundays are amazing...and awful.
He is gone.
I can bask in the back row of the church
Singing with my fellow Christians,
Praying with them
Not thinking about him
Loving my God
But at the same time
I know
That in a few hours,
I will have to go back to him.
To his anger
His rage.
And tomorrow,
It will all start again.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.
I love him but I hate him.

Underneath it is dark.
Underneath it is warm, but cold
Dark but bright
Heavy but light
Beautiful and hideous
Peaceful and chaotic
Safe but dangerous
What do I do?
I love my home underneath,
But
I
Need
To
Leave.
It’s too dangerous here.

My fingers don't fit
Clasped between my own fingers.
Someone else's must rest there.
I need someone else's fingers
To reach between my own.
Mine don't fit.

I am a back-stager.
I fix the lights
I help people with their makeup
No one ever sees me.
I am a back-stager

I hurt because of loneliness
There's no one really
For me to talk to.
There's not a soul that understands
No one who will be with me through
And through.

I hurt because abandonment
Comes down upon me like a plague
Friends I thought were here forever
Seem to be wishing that they'd stayed.

I hurt because of love's tight grip
On my heart for those who have gone away
Forever
But not because of their own choices
But because of the mistakes we've made.

I hurt because cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone
Whenever I attempt new friends
I'm always thinking of the old.

I hurt because my thoughts of life
Are hovering over me like
A dark cloud.
What kind of mother will I be one day?
Will I love my husband?
What will my job be?
Will my dreams ever be fulfilled?

I hurt because the world around me is telling me what I should do
What kind of clothes to wear today...
How should I interact?
With whom?

I hurt because my compassion
Is lingering always ever near.
I fear for lives beside of mine
Of losing friendships...

Now I have told you why I hurt.
All of my fears and pains I've shown.
Don't ever live like I have lived.
It's the worst kind of pain I've known.

There's a place inside her that is darkened
She fears the lives of those around her fade.
All inside her mind, there's a black spot and
Now she wishes in the light she'd stayed.

She doesn't think that she can bear the burden
It presses down upon her like a weight
The voices cry around her to let go, but
She is too afraid of what's at stake.

She cries out in wont of such a helper
As one who seemed to be there long ago.
He'd comfort her; always gave her shelter
But now it seems that he has let her go.

Her struggle only seems to bring her lower.
The thought comes to her mind to just give up.
Just when she thinks nothing else can save her,
Her godly savior comes to pick her up.

Now whenever her steps seem to falter,
She will send her prayers to Him above
Who she screamed back to when he came to call her
And now He sends His own to her in love.

My hear is torn with sorrow great
Wanting it to bring me down.
Mourning all around me waits
I cannot make a sound.

Oh who will come for this poor wretch
And take me far away?
Oh who will o're the chasm stretch
To lead me on my way?

My heart despairs that none will come
To bring me to my home
But I remember: there's a God
His name: Jehovah Shalome.

I shall not be forgotten here
So deep beneath the ground
Where shadows lie and danger waits
I shall not make a sound.

I know one day, He'll come for me
And take me far away
Into Heaven's Bright Embrace
Forever there to stay.

When the world seemed to drown,
I would call on my God.
The rain-it seemed-came down and down.
I hid in my abode.

My sin-it was a cloak
I used to hide away.
I distanced me from other folk
And got worse every day.

But then I heard a voice.
It whispered through the rain
It drew me near without a choice.
Said “you won’t be hurt again.”

It said to me, “My child,
Your sin is for the past.
Your chains are gone, so sing a song:
For you are free at last.”

When I’ve done my faithful part,
And all the world doth swell,
I know this now with all my heart:
My God does all things well.

And hence forever more,
I’ll reach the golden shore.
And then, at last, my Lord will pass
And love me nothing for.

Then, joy shall reign again.
We’ll see the face of God.
No sin, no loss, no pain, just cross.
And love shall come, my friend.

My sin-it was a cloak.
I used to hide away.
But now I sing to other folk
“When God found me that day”