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Mar 2015 · 610
Foster Child
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
Chubby cheeks
Curly hair
Toothless mouth
Erratic laughs
Excited faces
Bright smiles
Little clothes
Funny actions

Can I keep you forever, my foster child?
I don't want you to leave.
Every time I see you, you
Brighten
My
Day.
To "buggy boy" the foster child we are watching.
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
Ten
Your laugh
Nine
Your love
Eight
Your forgiveness
Seven
That night you first held me
Six
The day I last saw you
Five
The night I last held you
Four
The day you came back to me
Three
The day we said goodbye
Two
The day I told you who you were to me
One*
The night I lost you all over again.
Mar 2015 · 249
All
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
All
We all wear our own masks
Mar 2015 · 343
Faces
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
I know these faces
I have known them all my life.
Don't know who they are.
Speaking to the fact that I at least think about myself. When I pass someone o. The street, I make note that they must have emotions, but to me they are just empty shells. I was at church tonight and thinking about this. I have known all of these faces all my life, but I don't know who they really are.
Mar 2015 · 216
Name
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
What's in a name, you say
Everything is in a name.
A name is who you are.

We change our names on the internet.
Why would we change them
Unless our real names
Don't
Tell
Who
We
Really
Are?

What's in a name?
Everything.
My name here is everything.
Everything is wish to be
And do
And feel.

My name is everything.
Mar 2015 · 299
Tears and love
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
Walking through darkness
I stand now just here
Trodding through blackness
I hold back the tears

Why am I crying?
This doesn't seem right
Yet somehow I feel
Like I have to fight

Fight back the sorrow
Fight back the pain
Fight with my marrow
It all ends the same

Crying again here
On this bed of tears
Fighting my sorrow
Fighting my fears.

I have some hope
But what of the other?
He goes still through life
Wanting to suffer.

He won't accept
What I know is true
His bitter denial
Turns my face blue.

Walking through darkness
I stand now just here
Fighting the darkness
Out pour my tears.
I have a friend whom I have been praying for for years. I love him so much. He is like a brother, and I ask him constantly to come to church, but he never does. So I pray some more. I just want to walk into heaven with him. I don't understand why God won't bring him. I suppose God does everything in his own time. I just need to come to terms with the fact that no matter how much I try, this man will never come to Christ through me. If he ever does, it will be God who does the work.
Mar 2015 · 249
Try
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
Try
I try so hard
To help you
See Christ
By going to church
But you keep lying
And making me cry
And I don't know
If it's worth it anymore.
Maybe you aren't elect.
Maybe you don't care enough.
I cried again today
Because of you.
If you cared
Wouldn't you ask if I was okay?
I don't know.
Maybe
Maybe not.
All I know
Is when I walk into Heaven,
I want to be holding your hand.
One more adventure together.
But you don't care.

I spent years
Convincing myself that you
Were my mission.
God wanted me to help you to him.
But maybe I was wrong.
Because you have made me cry
And hate
And scream
Like I never used to.
I can't go on a vacation without worrying about you.
Because of you
I can't sleep sometimes.
And I am so tired of it.
I just want what's best for you.
But you don't even know.
I can't tell you how much you hurt me,
Because I'm afraid then you would leave.
I love you so much.
I love you so much.
Why can't you do this one thing for me?

Maybe it was never meant to be.
No more adventures for us.
I'm done.
Mar 2015 · 395
Editing
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
I love editing.
Have I said that yet?
I love practically hearing
The scenes
And the words
That zip
Through my mind
Like arrows
From the bow
Of an Indian.
I love feeling like I am doing something.
I love editing, have I said that yet?
Well, I'm saying it again.
Stories, novels, poems...
I love it all.
I really love editing. :) Especially my own work, but also other people's :)
Mar 2015 · 911
Happy Birthday 2015
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
Happy Birthday.
I know I am mean.
I know I hurt you,
I know I seem like I don't care.
But
I
Do.
I care so much
I just don't know how to show it.
Please forgive me.
Happy Birthday.
I
Love
You.
Happy tenth to my little sister, M. I love you so much, and I know I don't know how to show it, but I do.  I also know that your birthday isn't till tomorrow, but still. Thanks for being my sister. I prayed for 3 years for you, and I love you.
Mar 2015 · 395
Sometimes
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
It's odd.
Sometimes I can write
Like for hours and hours.
I can't seem to write enough.

And other times,
I can't figure out why the words
I write down
Won't sound right.
Mar 2015 · 413
Anything for you
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
I'd die for you
Because
I'd die without you.
Mar 2015 · 548
Always
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
Someone will always be Incensed.
Someone will always be angry.
And I don't care.
Well...
I do,
But I can't tell anyone that.

Then they would know.
Mar 2015 · 188
Untitled 4
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
I am so lonely.
I just want someone to ask if I'm okay.
I'm not,
But I wish someone would ask.
Mar 2015 · 3.5k
Unfair
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
It is not fair to
Me that good people die and
That bad people live.
This makes no sense to me. People like Rich Mullins die in car crashes-good people. People who are christians, and who love others, and who plan their whole lives around Christ and what he wants. And then people like Amy Grant-terrible people. People who lie about who they really are, and their love for Jesus, people who make the lives of people like Rich hell.
How is this fair?
I don't think it is.
Mar 2015 · 261
Good - bad?
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
Today was good.
I think they all missed me.
Or maybe they just missed the chores I did...
I don't know.
All I know is that it won't last.
It won't last.
Mar 2015 · 348
Butterflies
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
I'm sorry I didn't know

You drew them everywhere.
On your wrists
Under your hair.

You drew away the pain
A little something
To keep you sane.

You drew away the tears
And held close
All your fears.

I'm sorry I couldn't tell.

You drew away the hell
I couldn't see
That you were hurt as well.

You drew away the hurt.
Covering your heart
In dirt.

Why didn't you tell me?

But you drew the butterflies...

Maybe you did tell me.
Maybe I just wasn't listening.
Mar 2015 · 263
What I mean is...
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
Okay, so this is supposed to be about poetry.
Not about standards.
There are no rules as to what we can put on here, or who they can be aimed
At.

What I mean is, if you don't like it, don't read it.
Mar 2015 · 1.8k
Broken Beautiful
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
We are the broken
We show our scars.
We adhere to society because they
Won't accept that we are different.

We are the broken beautiful.
We hide our scars.
We don't let anyone inside because
If we do, we won't be beautiful.

We are the broken beautiful.
We judge not because we have been judged.
Mar 2015 · 336
My greatest fears
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
Spiders
That's normal, though
Having the ones I love betray me.
I always blame myself.
Being stuck with half my face in water and being immobilized.
The one thing that is keeping me alive kills me
When I feel lonely
I cry myself to sleep
When no one shows up to the class I teach
I tell myself that they all hate me and that's why they don't come
When I feel like everyone hates me, but I know they don't.
*I want to tell someone, but I can't put it into words.
Mar 2015 · 624
Words
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
Words can be beautiful
Words can be ugly
Words can make your heart beat faster,
Or tears run down your face.
Words can sew you up with a needle and thread,
Or they can slash holes and scars in you that no matter how many times you fix them, they keep-keep bleeding.

Words can hurt.
Mar 2015 · 182
Untitled 3
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
I'm so sad



But I don't know why...
Feb 2015 · 658
Untitled 2
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Life hurts.
There are good days
And bad days
But if there's one thing I have learned,
It's that it
Always
Gets
Better.
Feb 2015 · 4.0k
Text
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Pick up my phone
Hm...should I text him?
When does he ever text me?
Put my phone back down.

Pick up my phone.
Want to text him.
When does he ever text me?
Put my phone back down.

He'll text me if he wants to talk to me.
Feb 2015 · 4.0k
Ghost
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Not a smile
Not even a glance.
Do I even exist?
I don't know anymore...
I guess in all
The chaos
I just...forgot to be
I forgot
What it's like
To exist.
I want to be real again.
I want to be
Their screams and laughter
Echo 'round me
Piercing my eardrums
Ebbing like an unseen ocean
Quiet
Loud
Quiet
Loud
But alone I sit
At my own table
The memory of how to live
Gradually slipping like water
From my cold
Dead
Fingers
It's all gone.
I can't remember...
I can't remember!
People I once knew
Places I went
All gone
Like stars.
Also like stars
I am here-I know I am-but no one
Can
See
Me.
All the time I watch them live
But all the time
I don't exist
I want to be here
In the existence I can only brush
with my ghostly pale fingers
But never truly touch
Because now
In this sick reality,
That's all I really am:
A ghost.
Feb 2015 · 577
I prefer the shadows
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
The dark void
Engulfing me with every
Stride.
Black.
The mixture of every color
Yet...the only one that can show the stars.
Darkness is my friend
Darkness is me.
But light pushes around me
Breaking
Breaking me in half
Wrenching away the only
Warm
Comfort
I
Have
Ripping the cold that I call home
Away from my writhing soul.
"I can't breath."
I've told people that before, but it was nothing like this.
My lungs are caving
In
My friend-
My only friend
Has betrayed me.
It reaches inside me,
Congesting
Everything.
My fingers are numb,
My thoughts are void,
Slipping like short-lived treasures through my dead fingers.
Nothing exists.
Outside of me.
And yet-
Everything does,
And only I am dead.
Nothing lives in me.
My breath is gone
My thoughts are fleeing
"I won't hurt you, I swear.
I just want my friend back-
I just want the void."
Feb 2015 · 187
The title is
Feb 2015 · 199
Untitled 1
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Poetry
Is not something
To be defined.
"This is what it means"
"This is how they did it"
No.
Poetry is to be interpreted
By oneself
In the silence of ones bedroom
So don't tell me
I can't write poetry.

Poetry is just
Words of meaning.

You decide what it means for you.
Feb 2015 · 4.4k
Today
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Muffins in the oven
Music in my headset
Smells wafting through the house
Egg and hash-brown casserole waiting to be made
Silent people sleeping mere feet away.

Today is a good day.
Feb 2015 · 847
I Love You
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
I'm insecure
I'm angry
I'm sad
I'm upset
I'm jealous
I'm negative
I assume no one loves me
And I could be
Lonely in the middle of
A crowd.

But I love you,
So please never stop loving me.
Feb 2015 · 497
Times
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
I like the simple things.
The things like
Eating an apple with a knife
And jamming out to music
And the feeling of soapy warm water
On my hands when I wash dishes
And the sun coming through the window
And quiet walks on a starry night
And fresh chocolate chip cookies
And a clean house
And the smell of old books
And wearing my favorite shirt

There are times
When my heart sings
Because the sun
And because the moon
And because the stars
And the trees
And dirt
And light, and just
Life

But then there are the down times.
Those morbid
Menacing
Ugly
Angry
Sad
Upset
Unfair
Times
When nothing
Is good
And I can't
Seem
To
Breathe
Quite
Right.
In
Those
Times
There is only one thing I can do.

Remember the good times.
I am so happy today. The sun is shining, and if you ignore all the snow, you can almost pretend it's summer if you are sitting inside. I am listening to a good song, and wearing my favorite shirt, and my cousins will be here soon, and my hair looks nice today, and I am just really happy :)
Feb 2015 · 2.1k
Fake
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Plastic smiles
I don a fake face
I prep myself
For the day.
The time is coming
When they'll all see
Me for who I am.

This is the day
This is the day
They lose

They can't see
Who I really am.
They don't know
It's all a sham.
The time is coming
When they'll all see
The mask that hides my face.

This is the day
This is the day
I win

Oh, look what you've done
We're all fools
Every one.
And this
This is the day
We live

I'm "too big"
I'm "too small" now
"Wear a wig"
"Take it off" now

What do they want,
What do they want
From me?

Oh, look what you've done
We're all fools
Every one.
And this
This is the day
We live
I couldn't think of any other verses, so...yeah. :P
Feb 2015 · 1.4k
EverBlue
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Blue, blue
Everblue
Tearing earth asunder
As  a dear friend who I am
Some might call me water.

Blue, blue
Everblue
Look, oh look at me!
Home to plants and fish alike
Some would call me sea

Blue, blue
Everblue
Earth has me in bonds
Bugs across my surface skim
I am called a pond.

Blue, blue
Everblue
'Cross country like a sliver
Tossing, swerving, bubbling, laughing
I was named a river.

Blue, blue
Everblue
Cover me in love.
Boats and fins across me swim.
I am called a cove.
I wrote this a long time ago, and just now found it again. Haha
Feb 2015 · 457
Night Time
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Can't think of any-
thing to write on this cold night
What then shall I do?
Feb 2015 · 550
Not Me
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
I apologize
Over and over again
But I shouldn't.
It's your fault.
Feb 2015 · 248
Play With Me
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
You think you can play
With my heart but you cannot
My heart is my own.
Feb 2015 · 3.0k
Stay
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
If you stay
I'll never leave
I'll wear my feelings
On my sleeve

If you stay
I'll hold you tight
Tangle our arms
in the night

If you stay
I'll love you forever
Hold your hand
And never sever

The bond we have
And people will say
I'll bet he's glad
He stayed.

If you stay,
I'll love you so
Through the rain
And through the snow.

Stay because I love you.
Stay because I care
Breathing next to you
Is breathing in air.
Feb 2015 · 503
2013-Present
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
2013:
The year I graduated 8th grade
The year I went to my first real party
In 2013 I learned to braid

I told myself "Everyone leaves"
And I had my first crush.
Little did I know I was about to grieve.

2013 was the thanksgiving that I had my heart broken.
I thought I knew what hurt was
In 2013 my first real hurt was spoken

2014:
My teacher died
My church stepped down a little
My friend became a bride

I found my God.
I realized that life (love) isn't always easy
Yet every day I was awed

In May I had my best friend restored.
My heart was almost healed.
But even so, it was ignored.

I realized that everyone changes.
I decided I wanted to be a teacher.
I learned that life is not all about my own exchanges.

Present:**
Tears still fall.
Friends still leave
But all in all

I think I'm doing better
Than I was before.
I feel freed from my fetters.

My bonds that never left
That came back every day.
And I'm still bereft

Some people will stay.
This I have learned.
But I'm doing okay.
It's really sad that I only learned how to braid my hair for real like 3 years ago...
Feb 2015 · 326
Sillhouette
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
"I'm a silhouette asking every now and then
"Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?"
I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home"

~Sillhouette, Owl City <3
I love this song <3
Feb 2015 · 3.6k
Nostalgia
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Nostalgia always
Keeps me awake through the night
I wish it would leave.
First Haiku
Feb 2015 · 3.1k
Sorry-Not Sorry
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
I'm sorry I'm too ugly
I'm sorry I'm too pretty
I'm sorry I'm too fat
I'm sorry I'm too thin
I'm sorry I'm smelly
I'm sorry I wear too much perfume
I'm sorry I am poor
I'm sorry I have more spending money than you
I'm sorry you have to look at me daily
I'm sorry I don't call enough
I'm sorry I'm too aggressive
I'm sorry I back down too easily
I'm sorry I'm too smart
I'm sorry I'm too stupid
I'm sorry I'm too quiet
I'm sorry I'm too loud
I'm sorry I'm too lazy
I'm sorry I'm too fidgety
I'm sorry I'm too flirtatious
I'm sorry I'm too boring
I'm sorry I'm overemotional
I'm sorry I don't talk enough
But that's the way I was made, so deal with it.
Sorry, I'm not sorry.
Feb 2015 · 290
My Contacts Don't Like Me
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
My contacts don't like me.
And even though they're small.
They think my eyes are ugly
So on the floor they fall.
Feb 2015 · 439
Him
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Him
Mondays are hard.
He only wants me for my body-
For the way I was made
But he also wants me
To perform
For him.
I can never understand
What he wants from me.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Tuesdays are light.
He looks at me like I am the only thing
In the world
The only person.
He holds me tight
And tells me he loves me
Without hurting me.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Wednesdays are long.
He has had a
Long day
Of work
And dealing with his boss.
He will let me hold him
And rock him to sleep,
Brushing my cold fingers across his sweaty back
While he falls into a slumber

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Thursdays he is happy.
He gets to see his
Delinquent mother
And visits his
Abusive father in jail
Only to spit in his face every time
And tell him he hates him.
I don't get it.
My faith wanes more every day.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Fridays are better.
He doesn't think about
Anything but me
We go out together
Holding hands
In dark
Theater
Seats
While we share popcorn
And memories.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Saturdays are terrible.
He drinks
And
Drinks
And
Drinks
Until he's not the same
Person he was
On Friday.
I don't get it.
Why can't he just love me?
He hurts me
And beats me
Bruises
Everywhere.
Hidden, but there.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.

Sundays are amazing...and awful.
He is gone.
I can bask in the back row of the church
Singing with my fellow Christians,
Praying with them
Not thinking about him
Loving my God
But at the same time
I know
That in a few hours,
I will have to go back to him.
To his anger
His rage.
And tomorrow,
It will all start again.

I love him, but I hate him.
God, help me!
I can't do this on my own.
I love him but I hate him.
I love him but I hate him.
It just kind of popped into my head, but I actually really like it.
Feb 2015 · 454
Underneath
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
Underneath it is dark.
Underneath it is warm, but cold
Dark but bright
Heavy but light
Beautiful and hideous
Peaceful and chaotic
Safe but dangerous
What do I do?
I love my home underneath,
But
I
Need
To
Leave.
It’s too dangerous here.
Feb 2015 · 949
Spaces Between
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
My fingers don't fit
Clasped between my own fingers.
Someone else's must rest there.
I need someone else's fingers
To reach between my own.
Mine don't fit.
Feb 2015 · 831
Unashamed
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
—-██—— Put this on
—-██—— your profile
██████—if you’re not
-—██—— embarrassed
—-██—— to tell others
—-██—— that you
—-██—— believe in God
Unashamed of the love of Jesus Christ
Feb 2015 · 607
Save Me
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
"Save me, Jesus," Lord, I cry
Lift me on Heaven's ray.
No longer in this awful world
Does my heart long to stay.

This wretched thing that I have done
A face so wrought with tears
My soul for now must bear the cross
For all my wretched years.

Take this cross from me, oh Lord
'Tis such a thing to bear
For all my senseless wanderings,
I seem to be nowhere.

A step here, a stumble there
My journey's taking me
Onto a road that leads somewhere
I never want to be.

Take me, Lord and take me now
So far away from here.
I know my wretched cries have reached
The Haven-Heaven's ears.

Jesus, thanks to you, I walk
Upon the narrow road.
No longer towards the devil's teeth
The broader, evil road.

I walk in my Jesus' arms
A Haven I know well.
He steers me on the narrow path
Now go I not to hell.

Through this narrow escapade,
I have learned to see
My savior never left my side
He's always been with me.

And through this trial'd walk of life
My burdens weigh still more
But every day I learn again
It's held still by my Lord.
God never gives us more than we can handle. When he carries us into, he carries us through.
Feb 2015 · 403
The Cry of a Back-Stager
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
I can't ask God for the pain to cease
To cleanse this grief within
Because for some reason it makes me
Atone for all my sin.

I cry and sob the pain away
Wishing it to be gone
But the one thing I can never do
Is cry and sob to God.

Surely I know He's there for me
I surely know He cares
He listens when I cry out to Him
He answers all my prayers

This surely is a killing pain
That lingers deep within
But there's nothing I can do-it seems-
To slay this awful sin.

I hate the pain that plagues my life
I want it to be gone
Still I know that I must have it
To sing my mournful song.
Feb 2015 · 513
Back-Stager
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
I am a back-stager.
I fix the lights
I help people with their makeup
No one ever sees me.
I am a back-stager
Feb 2015 · 1.2k
Reasons I hurt:
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
I hurt because of loneliness
There's no one really
For me to talk to.
There's not a soul that understands
No one who will be with me through
And through.

I hurt because abandonment
Comes down upon me like a plague
Friends I thought were here forever
Seem to be wishing that they'd stayed.

I hurt because of love's tight grip
On my heart for those who have gone away
Forever
But not because of their own choices
But because of the mistakes we've made.

I hurt because cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone
Whenever I attempt new friends
I'm always thinking of the old.

I hurt because my thoughts of life
Are hovering over me like
A dark cloud.
What kind of mother will I be one day?
Will I love my husband?
What will my job be?
Will my dreams ever be fulfilled?

I hurt because the world around me is telling me what I should do
What kind of clothes to wear today...
How should I interact?
With whom?

I hurt because my compassion
Is lingering always ever near.
I fear for lives beside of mine
Of losing friendships...

Now I have told you why I hurt.
All of my fears and pains I've shown.
Don't ever live like I have lived.
It's the worst kind of pain I've known.
Feb 2015 · 747
Whatever Will Come
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
When everything seems so dark,
My lantern won't give a spark
Then I feel so shaken
I just want to break in.

Whenever I try to rise,
Then my life seems to capsize.
So I feel so shaken,
that's when my heart caves in.

Whenever I fall aground,
My savior will then reach down.
Saying "Do not feel shaken.
I'll hold back the cave-in.

"Whatever will come your way,
Through the fire or through the rain,
You will not be shaken.
You will not be shaken."

So now when my life feels dark-
My lantern won't give a spark
I will not be shaken
For he holds the break-in.

And now when the pouring rain
Will thunder and come my way
I cannot be shaken
I will not be shaken.
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