I’ve always said that things happen for a reason. Most times I never understand as to why the reason is what it is… She came into my life just as when the leaves were falling and I hope with her that everything I have learned in the past years will make sense and become useful. I don’t believe to have encountered something-no someone, that is so simple it makes one think of the complexities of how can she “be”, how can she “exist”, in simpler terms… I use to think a person like her couldn’t exist, but the thing is she doesn’t just exist as herself. She exists as the constant pulse in my wrists, the tingles throughout my body that makes my hair stand on ends, the brush strokes in a famous painting, the flowers in the crevices of the sidewalk, the words that poets write about, the faith that someone has in their religion, the truth in a victim's eyes, and the glow upon a pregnant woman’s face. She exists in more than just these simple things. However, she is a person. She came into my life and… The past years of dealing with heartbreak, manipulation, mental abuse, not being enough, and the confusion. It all makes sense now as to why those things have happened. I’ve met a person, her, and I have seen my morals change along with my mindset since meeting her. No longer do I think so negatively about situations, how can I when she’s in my life. No longer do I crave for anybody’s attention, I only crave hers. No longer do I care about someone’s day, other than hers. No longer do I have an attachment to my past, but I hope to have an attachment to my future, with her…  I might be insane to think that a person like her exists, but I would also be foolish to not notice… She exists in everything I see to be beauty, but when I see her… There are no words to describe the vision of ecstasy that I am looking at. The phrase, “she took my breath away”, does not even compare to explain either. Seeing her is so surreal, I am left speechless. To have no words to describe seeing a person like that, how can you prove that they exist? You can’t, all you have is my word. My spoken word.

Mom never said love would be an addiction
Dad never said love would stop your train of thought
Mom never said love would take away your breath
Dad never said love would blind you from the truth
Mom never said love would make you unable to live alone
Dad never said love would make you do crazy things
Mom never said love would make you think less of yourself.
Dad never said love would make you give your all
Mom never said love would take away your sense of being.
Dad never said… love would lead you to think of suicide

My parents never warned me about love.
They never said it could ****, and oh god is it killing me.

I lost myself
The demons took over
I couldn't stop crying
Each of my wounds were open once again
They ripped them apart showing them to everyone
They laughed in my head saying how pathetic  I was to fall for another girl
No one is suppose to love me back
No one is suppose to deal with the madness I call my thoughts, or the insanity I call my mind
No one as perfect as you is suppose to be with someone like me
Now that's insanity
But I have you and I'm trying really hard to not scare you away with the battle wounds I now posses
Not the ones that are on arms but the ones you can see through my eyes
You can see the regret and pain in them from past choices
I don't want you to leave
The thoughts are quiet when you're around and the demons leave me alone
It's like they know I can only be happy around you
And they don't want to disturb that happiness
I use to say living inside my mind was safer because it felt like home
I was wrong
I've never felt safer in anything else than in your arms
You're my home, and I don't want you to leave

things are blurry
I can't think straight
thoughts are bouncing off the walls
I'm losing my mind
make it stop
I need you here
why aren't you here
where did you go
why did you leave
when are you coming back
the thoughts are filled with you
you
you
you
I ****** up didn't I
I ****** up
I'm sorry
please come back
it's all I want
I want things to be okay again
are you okay
is the night treating you well
are you ever going to come back
why did I say that
why did I have to **** things up
I can't function without you
I'm trying not to cry
it's hard
it's hard to catch my breath
my lungs are collapsing
my throat is closing
my eyes are covered by unfallen tears
make it stop
is this what death feels like
I'd rather be dead than feel like this
I'd rather be in your arms
I'd rather things be okay
but they're not
I'm sorry
please come home
I worry about you
I worry something bad will happen
please I'm sorry
I didn't mean it
I was mad
I never should've said it
I'm gasping for air
I'm holding on
I'm a piece of nothing
a piece of ******* ****
my body is heavy
my heart is panicking
my lungs won't inflate
my mouth is wheezing
my mind is in a state of insanity
I keep writing
nothing seems to be working
you're not back yet
what if you're hurt
what if you're crying
what if I ****** up for good this time
I can't lose you
I can't contain these thoughts
I'm experiencing insanity
I keep thinking the same things
over and over again
hoping for a change
hoping you'll come home
but you won't
you won't
you won't
you won't
I miss you
I love you
I'm sorry

Darling, you are:
The oxygen in my lungs,
The thoughts that cloud my mind,
The blood that streams in my veins.

But then you left.

So won't you come back again?


Bring air that fills my lungs.
Bring yourself into my thoughts.
Bring feeling to my fingertips.

Without you in my life I'm:
Breathless,
Mindless,
Numb.

I am depression.

I am the emptiness you feel at 2am.
The tears with no meaning.
The pain when you smile.

I don't come alone.
I bring my closest friends.
We are the scars that cover your body.
The voice you despise,
But soon learn to trust.

I am the only thing you will feel.

A feeling when numb, it hurts even worse.

YOU WERE MY EVERYTHING. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FORGET YOU AND EVERY ******* MONTH I SPENT WITH YOU? I SPENT HALF A YEAR WITH YOU. I FELL IN LOVE...I fell. AND **** DID I FALL HARD. THE CUTS AND SCARS ON MY LEGS DON'T EVEN COMPARE TO THE EMOTIONAL PAIN I FELT WHEN YOU WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I ****** UP. I KNOW THAT. I TOLD YOU FROM THE VERY BEGINNING I WOULD. YET YOU STILL ACT LIKE IT WAS A SURPRISE. YOU ACT AS IF I CAME HOME AND DECIDED TO MOVE OUT. IT WASN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL. YOU WERE MY HOME. AND I NEVER LEFT. YOU STILL ARE MY HOME. EVERYTHING WAS BASED AROUND YOU. I'M STILL HERE... HELLO? PLEASE OPEN UP, THERE'S A STORM COMING AND MY KNUCKLES ARE BLEEDING FROM KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. JUST LET ME COME HOME. PLEASE... I don't want to be locked out anymore.

I want to provide her with everything.
I want to be by her side when she faces her fears.
I want to give her the strength to do so.

Her words,
They mean everything.
I hang on to each word as if its oxygen.
Each breath I take is because of her.

I could fall,
and **** could I fall hard.

Bruises,
Broken ribs,
Cuts and scrapes.
None of it will matter.

She will pick me up,
and when she does I will be alright.

Her arms? Safety-net.
Her eyes? Reassurance.
Her smile? Happiness
Her? Home

She's more than okay and good enough.
She is everything beyond that.

I want her to be my home,
My security,
My okay,
My laugh.

I want her.
I want her to be mine.

I want you.
Right now.

Your lips on mine.
Your hand around my waist.

My lips on your neck.
My hands running through your hair.

Heavy breaths.
Deep  stares.

I want you.
Right now.

In my bed.
Right next to me.
Holding me tight.
Talking about anything.

Gentle kisses in between thoughts.
Our tired eyes holding contact.
Slowly falling asleep

You,
All I ever want is you.

I want to scream all these lyrics that remind me of you. So hopefully you'll realize how much I ******* miss you, and just how much I think of you.

I can't stop thinking about her.
She invaded my thoughts.
She is my thoughts.

Constant image of her.
Constant sounds of her laugh echo.
Her smile constantly blinds me from my daily endeavors.

She is everything.
She is unreal.
She is nothing.
She is not mine.
She is not my thoughts.
She is my mind.

I'm nothing without her.

You said you cared, and that I should believe you. So I did. You said that I should take my pants off for you. So I did. You said I should let you do this and that. So I did. What you didn't say is is that you would leave me here to think of myself as a horrible human being. Someone not worth loving. You also didn't say that while letting you do those things you were creating a graveyard inside of me, because now I feel so, dead. So, empty. I now blame you for the tombstone that reads, "she only wanted to be loved".

I fell into temptation. Kissing her was toxic to our love. I didn't realize that when I was biting on her lip. I didn't realize how much you would hate me for kissing her neck in the same spot you love. I didn't realize that her moaning my name would sound so similar to you saying, "I love you". I didn't realize I would feel so guilty for a temptation I don't regret... What I did realize is I only regret hurting you.

I don't like the things I do out of spite. I don't like how I'm always replaced. I don't like how I've been lost in depression for so long that this is all I know. I don't like the fact the one time I fall-I fall for you. Someone who was a one night stand. Someone who shouldn't matter. I don't like how you have control over me. I don't like how I would do anything to have your attention. I don't like how I'm literally so lost, I think you're the most perfect thing. Not perfect as in flawless but as in you're right for me. You've done so many ****** up things to people and so have I. That's why I want you. I want you to **** me up. I want you to hurt me. I just don't like how I'm not the one you want.

The storm outside isn't s ******* metaphor,
it isn't a **** comparison.
The disater going on out there is exactly,
what has been going on inside my head,
ever since you left.

I drank that bottle of ***** faster than I did falling in love with you.
It's the morning after,
and sadly,
I only have a hangover,
and I'm more infatuated with you than ever.
Sadly,
that bottle showed me more love in one night,
Than you did in the months we were together.

I'm stuck in my head.
Every which way,
thoughts fly in and out.
Thoughts of you.

I can't take it.
so, I'll take my life.
That's the point right?
When life gets tough,
you give up.

Get out of my ******* head already.
The constant voices.
The constant images of you
I'll do it I swear.

I'll ******* do it.
Just stop the voices.
Just stop the thoughts of you.

******* ****.
**** this.
I give up.

Better call 911

I find myself lost in the sad songs that speak about you and me. Sorry I didn't mean it like that. You made it clear that there is no you and me. No you and me means, you don't love me like I love you. God I ******* love you. I tell you that everyday. I could have you if I wanted, but you don't want me to try so I'm just here waiting. I'm here waiting to touch your lips again. I'm here waiting to call you mine for the first time. So I'll keep waiting, because you're worth it. Until then, you're hers not mine. She will never understand you like I will. Here I am listening the sad songs that speak of a you an me that is non-existent. The sad songs that speak of you and her that I wish were of you and me.

You ignited a most magnificent flame inside of me, one that was slightly bigger than a birthday candle. You helped me find the significance of who I am, but all that changed when I ****** up. God, I ****** up. I begged and begged and you said no, and that you were done with me. Hearing you say that froze my entire body in half a second. My heart was in shambles. The fire had been blown out. The colors in my eyes went straight grey. It has been three years since then. I haven't been the same. You would hate who I am now, you would even be embarrassed to say you knew me. You would not approve of the things I've done in spite of you... I texted you last year on Feb 28.. You never texted back. That no reply back didn't even hurt me. It only started another fire inside me. Except this time it instantly became a ******* wildfire, because of the hatred passion I now have for you. Not because you never texted me back, but because you act as if I meant nothing to you. So *******. *******, for having an affect on me. *******, for the **** wildfire I can no longer control. *******, for the **** you've put me through. *******.. ******* for still being on my mind after three years.. ******* for being the first person to break my ******* heart.