Something is wrong.
I don't know what,
or why.

This awful feeling inside,
makes me want to explode.

I can't think...
I don't know where to begin.

I can't breathe...
there's no air in the room.

I can't focus...
so many thoughts at once.

I can't scream...
because I'm suffocating.

I can't lose control...
if I do, it'll be over.

I don't know what to do.

Every sound brings...
more anger,
more frustration,
more confusion,
more anxiety.

All I want to do is escape this.

I am angry....
because I can't make it go away,
because I don't know how to deal with it,
because it causes me these feelings,
because I have no patience.

I am angry because I suffer from anxiety.

I just want it to end...

Construed,
by perception,
into acts of pure lust,
powered by emotions of pain,
mingled with a lonely heart now aching,
exceeding bare desperation,
all starting with deceit,
as her mind is,
construed.

Twelve months have passed,
I remember my wish from last,
This year it is for you,
My one love that is true.

Time has opened my eyes,
I have finally come to realize,
That through thick and thin,
It will always be him.

Along with my gift,
I am hoping for this;
The strength to overcome,
The wrong that was done.

I need a clear heart,
so not to be set apart,
I want my wish to come true,
I want happiness with you.

Time and time again,
I have paired words,
formulating sentences,
all in the name of love.

As I venture down,
my memory lane,
all that I can see,
is a desperation.

Too many lies told,
written creatively,
with a yearning,
all in the name of love.

Upon reflection,
it is clearly visible,
each word written,
was out of hope.

Yet, I still hope,
that recent words,
will be my last,
all in the name of love.

Forget the past,
my present awaits,
my future bright,
and my heart full.

Every night that I lye in bed,
one single thought roams through my head,
of how I always dreamed of you,
but I never thought my dreams would come true.

When I'm with you I have no cares,
because of you my heart has been spared,
you have shown me how beautiful life can be,
you have opened the door as wide as the sea.

Every time you look in to my eyes,
I can't suppress this feeling of surprise,
you make me overwhelmed with joy,
I love the way you make me your toy.

I'm falling deeper in love as every moment passes by,
I could not be more grateful that you gave "us" a try,
who knew that my life would take me your way,
it was unexpected but I'm here to stay.

Every time you begin to softly speak,
your delicious lips make me ever so weak,
the sweet whisper of your words,
are more amazing than songs of a bird.

I knew one thing by the way you touched my heart,
from this point on you and I would never be apart,
without you I could never be complete,
I would lose myself left unable to overcome defeat.

Since I have met you it has become clear,
I am now able to look in to the face of fear,
you are what I have spent my time searching for,
you are everything I could want and even more.

One moment she feels fine,
The next moment she is lost,
Life promises her happiness,
But at hidden costs.

She's been angry for so long,
That she feels tired and weak,
Her mental strength is crumbling,
As her eyes begin to leak.

She has no explanation,
So to you she gives the blame,
Yet you are only a part,
Of what makes her insane.

One second she is sure of herself,
Only to turn around and face doubt,
Her emotions are swelling inside,
Uncontrollably letting themselves out.

You were able to call her depression,
Despite her ungiving poker face,
She tried to hide the feeling,
That she does not belong in this place.

You suffer the repercussions,
Of her unfulfilled dreams,
She feels regret for not knowing,
Why that always seems.

She tries to achieve better,
But it is mostly all hope,
She is unsure of how,
She will manage to cope.

Finally accepted my terms,
only to face a new battle.

Poisoned by trusting his love,
with wounds that do not heal.

These scars that I bare,
continue to grow deeper.

Diseased and contagious,
I have become a risk.

Fearful of another mistake,
I am hesitant to love her.

Instinctively, I withdraw,
this is not her burden.

Yet without her, I can't win,
she is everything I am not.

She is my victory,
for every painful tear shed.

Copyright ©2015 Jamie Johnson

Beyond the dark, empty hollows,
dismay stirs, where the storms brew.
In the cold company of isolation,
desperation barged, savagely through.

Deaf ears listen, for unheard sounds,
while a heart searches, for unspoken signs.
Heavy thoughts, break the support inside,
as familiarity sets, one more time.

Loneliness reveals, a crumbling strength,
from red eyes, flows a river of tears.
Shattered and aching, with no comfort found,
only left to face, these growing fears.

Though hope is buried, remaining still,
serenity calls softly, from depths within.
Unsuccessful with relief, in written therapy,
the mind continues to wildly spin.

Drifting through the moments,
always consumed within,
these moving wheels,
as my thoughts wander.

Escaping this dull reality,
I explore the boundaries,
of my imagination,
entering to conquer.

Lost in a single step,
I continue onward,
venturing into the depths,
of this familiar unknown.

Discovering myself;
though a small part,
considered to be,
one more steppingstone.

What is truth?
Is it the actions we take,
or the words we break?

Is it what we lie about,
to ourselves?
Is it what we hide,
from others?

11 definitions exist,
to explain it's meaning,
yet none are the ones,
we are searching for.

"I'll believe it, when I see it"-
does that make it true?
"Actuality or actual existence"-
we don't see all that there is.

When I set about to find
the truth I've been chasing,
I look to know who I am,
in the face of this world.

I look to find answers,
that will keep me going;
I have chased truth,
and it's face is ugly.

I'm faced with realities,
that were only known,
as concepts.

Stuck in this state;
a combination of fascination,
mourning and inner chaos.

After a decade and a half,
of abusing those three words,
the real thing appears.

I don't recognize it's face,
nothing about it seems familiar.
I've been broken, for so long -
did I ever know what love is?

Is it wanting happiness for her,
even if it means without me?
Is it hoping someone can heal,
the damage I've caused her?

A month of absence,
and she is still my focus.
Accepted or not,
the truth has arrived.

I wish it could have been different.
I wish that I could still hold her,
and tell her softly, that,
I still love her.

I will always love her,
even now,
as I let her go.

Cogitating our path,
the many possibilities,
what has been, and yet to be.

Deliberating the actions,
or words that were spoken,
which have set me free.

Eluding the dramatics,
my conscious is aware,
of all that I am, or do.

Analyzing behaviours,
weighed without bias,
seeking what is true.

Discovering that lines,
may be deceiving,
questioning the certain.

Enlightening experiences,
much remains unknown,
hidden behind the curtain.

Pacing on sore, cut skin of feet,
With every step I trespass,
Here amongst the enemy layers,
Trapped in this small prison.

Tortured by the pain of betrayal,
Enraged at the abandonment,
Sick with hate for her choices,
Now awaiting the unknown.

Pondering with every second,
While sipping on red sanity,
Disbelief of our position,
Yet attempting to survive.

Ruined by sheer desperation,
Lacking the hope of new,
Continuing blindly through,
Grasping every bit of strength.

His laughter boils the blood,
that courses through each vein,
Every second that I am forced,
to listen makes me insane.

Chaos, he brings quickly about,
to the voices inside my head.
"Be nice, be calm, bear it."
"**** that, I want him dead!"

The pressure swells; rising,
soon I will lose my control-
"Just let me hit him once,
I'll only make a tiny hole!"

"No! You are better than this."
I try and try to fight it, I do-
"Only a few more days," I say,
*"Then it will all be through."

The first time I met you,
It was like judging a book by its cover,
Since then, I've come to know,
You were hurt by a lover.

I misjudged you at first,
Taking you to be like most men,
Even though I had no idea,
Of where your life has been.

Now being exposed to the truth,
I can't help how strong my feelings are,
The need to be with you is present,
To heal your heart's scar.

When I see you through my eyes,
I see a man that has been broken,
Your soul speaks to my own,
In a way no one has ever spoken.

I want to be the one,
To show you how it can change,
I want to be the person,
with whom your thoughts exchange.

It won't be an easy task,
To get through your walls,
But know that I'll be here,
To save you when it falls.

I cannot explain the reasons,
For why I tell you so,
But I couldn't forgive myself,
If I never let you know.

As too many days have passed,
With several things left unsaid,
Today is the day I share with you,
the thoughts inside my head.

I'm falling in more ways than one...

....once again the cycle resets.


It takes so much to stay standing,
to remain firmly grounded.

When I feel happiness...
sadness follows in the absence,
replacing the gratefulness I should feel.

This discontent, stirs my emotions,
into a never-ending turmoil.

I am consumed in my greed.
The tease is never enough.

This life refuses to be fabricated.

Pieces lay scattered among the dust.

These winds never relent,
making it impossible to gather the crumbs.

Unable to make determinations from the debris,
I cannot seem to collect myself.

Brief bursts of effort, come and go...
this energy, so difficult to muster.

Without consistency, I am faltering..
never steady and always full of extreme highs and lows.

Now that I've tasted life with you,
I am bound to torture...

..the torture of being without your love.

In every aspect of my life,
I am getting most of what I need....
just not enough of it.

I have family with me.....but not enough of them.
I have the love of my life.....but not by my side each day.
I have two jobs.....but not enough money to cover those needs, or any wants.
I have clothing.....but they are worn and need replacing.
I have food.....but just barely an appetite.

I am hardly able to keep myself together,
physically or mentally....

....I can't seem to stop falling,
regardless of the several times I keep getting back up.

The last hope I have to hold onto, is you.

I need the strength you give me, to face the day.
I need the love you give me, to keep the sadness away.
I need you to hold me, and tell me it's going to be okay.

I need to be able to share the love in my heart,
that I hold only for you.

You are the glue to my life; what is keeping me together.

I'm sorry...

In the midst of the changes,
a new season approaches,
surrounded by the leaves,
that are pulled from the trees.

By the weight of gravity,
or the wind that blows,
their colours are changing,
their placement rearranging.

With every leaf that falls,
I think of you; each one a memory,
and as they hit the ground- a thought,
every one of yours is now lost.

The stories you would tell,
with fondness in your voice,
never to be heard by you,
since those days are through.

Buried deep in mother earth,
lay treasures never shared,
taken upon your depart,
also leaving with my heart.

I know you are still here,
even though I don't see you,
but it will never be the same,
when someone says your name.

A part of me died that day,
when you left this world,
my soul was shattered,
pieces broken and tattered.

The love you gave to me,
never fades with passing days,
I promise to share that love,
until the day we meet above.

I wrote to you last, talking about the day,
that your spirit slipped away.
As those moments, drag on in my mind,
I lose all comprehension of time.

Recalling the chaos of hurried souls,
as they seem to dance around you.
The curtains closed, but they did not stop,
and the sound of their voices grew.

His voice delivering words, I begged to hear,
and the curtains were drawn open.
Devastation has surrounded us all,
as we watch, praying and hoping.

Your body has become so frail,
and the violent jerks look painful.
I hear his screams telling them to stop,
only to save your life, they are unable.

In these moments I am fully aware,
of what transpires around me.
A gripping weight pulling on my back,
hearing my mother scream and plea.

Both of my sisters' pain echoing,
as their cries fill and drown the halls.
I stand there like a statue - unmoving,
waiting for the outcome of it all.

There are fifteen people in the room,
and ten more, outside your door.
They have done what they can,
to give us a few minutes more.

They tell us, that this is it - the end,
and to say our final goodbyes.
I am the first to rush into the room,
and be next to you by your side.

I don't know how conscious you are,
since your soul was ready to leave.
Whispering in your ear "I love you",
and "it's okay, go home and be free".

Embracing you as if roles reversed,
I smooth your hair, so lovingly.
Knowing that any second could be the last,
until you depart this world completely.

Scrutinizing your face, for every detail,
while you take each laboured breath.
Watching you slip away from the light,
and pass slowly into your death.

Then the dreaded moment arrives,
and your soul has now departed.
My blanket of strength is gone,
and I am left broken hearted.

Through all that happened that day,
I am haunted by the uncertainty.
Not by the efforts made to save you,
but by now knowing absolutely.

When I told you I love you -
did you know it was me saying it?
When you said I love you back -
did you know it was me you said it to?

I feel it has been too long,
all seemed to be wrong,
why can't this pain end?
I can no longer pretend.

My life has too many downs,
my face carried too many frowns,
I just want to be at peace,
when will the sadness cease?

Is it a question of what I deserve?
because I'm losing my nerve,
what lesson is to come of this?
it's life's pleasure that I miss.

I wish I could say why,
I feel as if I want to die,
instead I'm left with dismay,
yet again to face another day.

You could've told me how you felt,
there was no need for what you did.
You broke my heart into pieces,
something I told you I forbid.

You went ahead and did it anyways,
without a care of how I feel.
You were selfish in your acts,
you hurt me a great deal.

I hope you rot in hell,
a place where you belong,
You disgust me so much,
I never did you wrong.

Karma will find you,
and tear your life apart,
I hope you die,
while choking on your heart.

Too many years have passed,
Waking from this familiar daze,
Too many years I've spent,
Lying with an absent gaze.

The blinding ties of love,
Have been fully stripped,
Leaving a deep ugly hole,
Where my heart was ripped.

It is not my first time here,
Battered and in thought,
Was it a great play?
Each battle, well fought?

I did not have the time,
Before you entered my life,
To heal my ****** wounds,
From my last three year fight.

I was set up for failure,
Right from the very start,
When you decided to pursue,
And conquer my heart.

I gave you fair warning,
To which you did not heed,
Now I am suffering again,
Except now, we both bleed.

Copyright ©2015 Jamie Johnson

The letters, they swirl.
     A word here,
                          a sentence there.
                                             They spin, and they spin.
Every so often,
               one is thrown.
                                                         ­          No placement,
                                    no rhythm,
just discarded.

              From a merry-go-round,
                                         it becomes a carousel.
Quickly advancing,
                                                      ­       into a tornado -
        the disaster thickens.
                                                       ­             Building, and building,
                                                      i­t continues to collect,
               as it tears a path.
No safe way to release,
                                                        ­    all that madness, has consumed.
                                            No beauty to be found,
            in the wake of the aftermath.
                                                      ­No way out of the destruction,
                                                    ­                                   that brews silently.

Tick....tick....tick.
Low clouds are scattered, amongst the mountain tops.
The patches of grey, drifting swiftly through the valley.
As the sky sweats lightly, the day carries on.

Tick...tick...tick.
Through the clear panes of glass, there is everything.
Untold stories await, to be found on hidden paths.
The secret to her life, remains undiscovered.

Tick..tick..tick.
Pondering, her thoughts fill the emptiness in the room.
Comforted by the space, although it is her mental cage.
Absently peering out, as sweat becomes tears.

Tick.Tick.Tick.
All that exists, now blurred beneath the cold weight.
Confined within her anxiety, she has finally resigned.
The facts of time untouched, as it passes slowly.

Tick!Tick!Tick!
The uncompromising stress, forces through barriers.
A voice in all, that manipulates her feelings.
Time continues to pass, while nothing happens.

TICK!! TOCK!! TICK!! TOCK!!*
Too many opportunities wasted, in a quick beat.
This heavy toll, feeds from the constant brooding.
Actions must be taken, for control of her life.

Possessed by the rage of truth,
Complicated by the depth of my love,
Suffocated by the weight of impact,
Deserted by the one placed above.

Gathering an insight of wisdom,
Reluctantly taken subsequent to pain,
Producing strength derived from weakness,
Your dismissal occurs once again.

Flustered by reflective thoughts,
Deceived by spoken treasures,
Preparing for lives to part,
Eliminating incomparable pleasure.

Each new, passes knowledge,
Surviving mistakes and faults,
Influenced by self-created wisdom,
Memories are buried inside my vault.

One day I sat amongst a chair,
bored in my training class,
I decided to drink some coffee,
to wake up my ***.

I began to doze off,
dreaming of the beautiful stars,
do you see that I asked,
way up above so far?

My eyes played tricks on me,
cause they weren't so far,
in fact my face was dipped in it,
now isn't that bizarre?

There must've been floaters,
taking shape in the cup,
cause my face was dipped in,
when I woke up.

So often in life, we face crossroads;
never knowing which path to take,
or where each path takes us.

Sometimes, we stumble onto them,
other times we run for them,
but either way, we keep moving.

How do you decide which path?
Are the decisions weighed,
or are they just made?

Do you trust your instincts?
Follow your heart?
Listen to your brain?

Which one is right?

Fear.
It's always there.

Fear of making a mistake;
of failing.

Fear of loss;
emptiness.

Yet, there's also hope.

Hope, that it will be better,
that it's for the best.

Hope, for a brighter path.

Hope, that the change,
is worth the pain.

How do you decide?

You must listen,
to everything inside.

Then take it,
one day at a time.

Donnie Smyth,

If you were sitting next to me, sharing this view, so early in the morning, I would sit and talk with you.

We would catch up on each other’s lives, since it’s been too long. I would say…
“ I didn’t know you liked motorcycles.”
And smile at your excitement while you talk about it.

I would then tell you just how dangerous they are and of course to be careful. Expressing my concern for your safety.

This makes me want to cry.
Knowing that you would probably roll your eyes at me and brush it off laughing. But then again, I can’t say for sure. It’s been so long since the way we were friends as kids. I miss you Donnie.

I would go on to ask how things are in your life.
“How is your mom and brother doing? How is work going for you these days? Is there a special lady in your life? Where abouts are you staying – is it a nice place? Do you like it?”
I would listen to all your answers, hoping that each response is filled with happiness. Sharing your joy for all the blessings you have, and the blessings you give to others.

Together we would sit, facing the city line and watch the crows gather together in numbers that are rarely seen. Only this early in the morning, in the right spot, can we watch this and chat. Marveling at the wonders of life, all while facing it’s challenges every day.

What an odd feeling – so conflicting…
Here we sit, together, watching the day dawn and it’s beautiful but I am still sad. Because you sit here with me in spirit, but there is still a feeling of absence.

My dear friend Donnie, I miss those days when we were kids. I will cherish those memories for as long as I live and the friendship we shared. You felt like a brother in some ways, and I know you were as genuine as my own brothers.

No words will explain these feelings, but I know you will get this letter and the feelings that accompany it. I miss you my friend.

Until we meet again,
Jamie

Your face appeared,
With your blue-eyed gaze,
In that moment I froze,
Held in a lovely daze.

I admired your beauty,
With an immediate smile,
Catching a glimpse of pain,
Your heart...so fragile.

You had my attention, 
So I got a closer view,
But you lived quite far,
That just wouldn't do.

I decided to keep moving,
Only to my delight,
You sent me a message,
Then we talked all night.

I couldn't imagine this, 
The strong connection,
You have my devotion;
All of my affection.

I want to be for you,
Everything that you deserve,
I want to show you love,
And heal what hurts.

Copyright ©2015 Jamie Johnson

Absence is strongly present,
harboring this beaten vessel.
Assuming full control,
damaging my infrastructure.

Illusions of reality creep,
glimpsing but mere frames.
Awareness dawns periodically,
despite my reluctance to admit.

Yet, remaining truths surface,
the wake - unbelievable.
Time escaped visibility,
Carving its deep path.

Grasping for any remnants,
attempting to secure myself.
Facing my consequences,
the outcomes of poison.

Such confusion arises
within my black mind,
Tired of people's voices
reasoning is undefined.

I bite the bullet
and sacrifice sanity,
everywhere I go
I use profanity.

Venturing through hell
this planet where we live,
a world of something
where we get what we give.

Seeking my destiny
towards the end,
the way of life
I'll never apprehend.

Twisted and burned
into the dust of ashes,
flesh disintegrating
as my blood splashes.

Living a nightmare
with no easy street,
our eyes have fooled us
we're surrounded by deceit.

Another long chapter finalized,
With an unsatisfying end,
Wedges sit in the breaks,
With no means to mend.

Left to stir, in disconnection,
Slowly absorbing my reality,
Suffering from a lack of control,
In stabilizing my mentality.

The vast space, now a void,
Fills with pain and sorrow,
Another sleepless night ahead,
Drifting into a cold tomorrow.

Whispers scream, "you're broken,"
Suffocating in bitter defeat,
Mustering the strength to stand,
Rather than cower and retreat.

Soon before me is another day;
The start of a new chapter,
How do I face my choices-
The consequences of laughter?

I can only give a broken smile,
Weighed down by damage,
Now alone with my depression,
Unsure of how to manage.*

Copyright ©2015 Jamie Johnson

Descriptive words could not say enough,
Informing you without any expectations,
A simple need to express the damage,
Of not meeting your qualifications.

You're ignorance; both gift and curse,
False belief from your deception,
Subsequent pain leading to anger,
Infiltrated like an infection.

Valuable lessons learned from you --
Benefit of the doubt should not be given,
Further regret seeped into life,
Now that my demons have arisen.

Plunging into bitter sweet weakness,
A temptation I could not resist,
Pathetic attempt at leaving flesh,
As the blade split open the wrist.

Consumed at my loneliest moment,
Tired of giving without receiving,
Defeated by my persistent demons,
Manipulated by thoughts of relieving.

Perception changes with reality,
Enlightened by harsh, clear thoughts,
A choice to no longer be controlled,
Thus, the day that I fought.

Strong desires to be able to forget,
Lips softly speaking lies after lies,
Though admittance was not achievable,
The truth came from your eyes.

Care was not something of existence,
Simply sheets and pillows,
Know that in the end it will be you,
as sad as the leaves of a weeping willow.

Lost within my transcending mind,
Seeking the answers for questions unknown,
Indecisive thoughts soak in confusion,
Aimlessly continuing within my human nature.

Awareness grasps my undying sensitivity,
Combining factors fuse into chaos within,
As healing patterns face destruction,
Behaviours revert to those once lost.

Wavering between serenity and insanity,
For my unfailing hope of peace,
Eased through impatience by courtesy of vices,
Sparking creativity and strong perspectives.

Pondering over knowledge newly admitted,
Resentment fills my every thought,
For this love recently departed with,
Haunts my every waking, lonely moment.

I've been through a few,
looking for the best,
It's not him, nor you,
let's try the rest.

I want one that sparkles,
with a shine so bright,
One that compliments me,
makes me feel just right.

I'll keep on digging,
until I've found what I want,
They try so hard,
even tease and taunt.

I don't want something dull,
I want it hot like fire,
I'll keep digging through diamonds,
until I find the sapphires.

She peers out the glass,
at the bright blue sky,
into the sun's warmth...
She is alive, and breathing.

Thoughts flutter, and
images flicker behind
her vacant stare.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Slowly, she begins to ascend.

Her head tilted upwards,
her arms slack at her sides,
as the palm of her hands extend,
welcoming the unknown.

She becomes the center of view,
raised above the plains;
she spins around and around.

Like the wind, softly blowing ashes
from the hot coals of a fire;
her flesh tears away in pieces.

Piece by piece, she is exposed.

As she disintegrates;
her blood drawn by gravity,
spills out like rain drops.

High pitch screams,
fill the ears of those,
close and far.

Screams above mortal pain.
Unlike any torture, the
human body can endure.

Screams that raise every hair;
that stop the heart from beating,
for a second too long.

Screams that cannot be,
labelled or identified.

The world will bare witness;
while in their confusion,
they are still, with feeling.

The faces beneath,
stare above in disbelief;
absolute horror.

The sky ... now empty.
Traces left behind,
in blood.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Abruptly, she surfaces
behind her glazed eyes.

Still peering out the window,
she thinks;* "My life is good."

I have a home; a family.
I have food to eat,
and love in my life.

*Yet, thoughts flutter,
and images still flicker.

This path I walk is cluttered,
with the awkwardness of the past.
Although I stagger forward,
my steps are far from straight.

I have no map to guide me,
down this well walked trail.
Only hope in the distance,
And the cold on my back.

As I aimlessly continue,
the volume of darkness rises.
I am surrounded by nothing,
with everything in the way.

With no vision to trust,
I walk slowly through deceit.
The path has now faded,
leaving me standing still.

Each month we rejoiced,
gathering to celebrate life.
Each month we recognized,
our achievements and efforts.

Each month I waited,
with genuine joy for others,
Each month that passed,
brought my day closer.

The month came about,
and still I must wait.
For the one who decides,
was not present 'til late.

Days passed ever so slow,
though I remained excited.
He returned on the day,
that my break came about.

My two days passed,
I came prepared for it.
Little did I know,
it happened without me.

They took the day I waited for,
blindly away from me.
No one thought to call,
and ask me to be part.

Instead, I was disregarded,
my turn came and yet it didn't.
This morning my heart was sad,
for it would not be.

I repeatedly imagine,
the day we meet again.
Will I approach you as foe,
or as an old friend?

I am still hurt by you,
yet a part of me doesn't care.
With time I understand,
of past reality, I am aware.

We were full of lust,
it was nothing more.
Our passion was strong,
of that I'm sure.

In my thoughts, I am clear,
it is not you that I desire.
I only wish to feel alive,
from the heat of that fire.

Beginning like every other day,
my eyes open reluctantly.

Dragging myself out of bed,
it is time to face the silence.

Another day to manage,
still attempting to survive.

Wondering why it is,
that I get out of bed at all.

Those who are not a victim,
to the tight hold of depression,
cannot fathom the meaning,
beyond the syllables.

Even the truest descriptions,
cannot paint the picture,
in it's entirety.

To say, I feel empty;
could never explain enough.

To cry, bearing pain;
could never release enough.

To scream, with frustration;
could never show enough.

We smile, in hope that it helps,
to not bring those down around us.

As we breakdown repeatedly,
we are always lost within.

A burden; is an understatement.

Depression is like a cancer,
embedded deep into your cells,
draining the life from you,
with little hope for the end.

For no reason, other than love,
do I face the day and try again.

If I did not love those in my life,
I would not get up to be there.

Still, I try my absolute best,
to do what I can for others,
knowing there is nothing,
they can do to help me.

My heart has loved many times,
Also spoken in many rhymes,
But my truest love is for you-
the strength that gets me through.

Time and time, I have said;
I love you, dearest ed,
But you will never understand,
For me, there is no other man.

The love I feel is too much,
And yet, I can't get enough,
So I will say it once more;
it is only you that I adore.

You may tire of these words,
and even think I am absurd,
but I can't surpress my heart,
as you gave me a new start.

Beneath the sunsets orange,
the green grass grows rich,
next to the blues of the river,
softly flowing through the meadows.

The days offering of warm rays,
struggles in it's last moments,
capturing the essence of beauty,
filling the soul with absolute bliss.

Nestled within nature's arms,
a deep and hot spark ignites,
spreading with a vicious hunger,
consumed by the pleasures of greed.

Embracing the comfort of solitude,
this forest, the only witness,
leaving untold secrets kept,
as lovers release their passion.