I hate that you can hurt me,
Without even speaking a word,
I hate that I still love you,
This is absolutely absurd.

I wish I could forget,
Even the good times we had,
Cause then I wouldn't feel this pain,
It wouldn't be so bad.

I am willing to erase,
The passionate nights we shared,
I am willing to admit,
That you never truly cared.

I can face the fact,
That our love was one-sided,
But I cannot face the fact,
That in you, I confided.

I feel this horrible regret,
For ever letting you in,
For you this is just a game,
Congratulations, you win!

I know it doesn't end there,
If it did, I wouldn't be writing,
But know that I'll come out of this,
Stronger and still fighting.

Oh, what I wouldn't give,
just to give you a piece of my life.

I would give up knowing my way,
for you to see how the sun brightens the day.
How the light can bring warmth and make everything feel okay.

I would give up my certainty in each step,
for you to see the beauty in the mountain tips.
Feeding you life like a cup of coffee, with each slow sip.

I would give up my independence,
for you to see the faces of your grandchildren for the first time.
Letting the joy spread of no longer searching for lines.

I would trade you your place in the darkness,
so you could feel the serenity of watching the world in the way I do.
Simply peering out the window, grateful for all I've got through.

I  would give up witnessing the endless possibilities still to come,
just to give you a fraction of the happiness you deserve.
To show you how things have changed from your childhood,
and the long days spent on the reserve.

My dearest grandmother,
though you may see it as a waste,
I would give the next 40 to 60 years of my sight to you,
for five minutes of witnessing you marvel at the world.
For you to look into my eyes for the first time,
and see just how much I love you.

I would give this to you,
your happiness,
if only I could.

The wind slices through my hair,
     like a knife through butter,

My skin embraces the feeling,
     like the warmth of a mother.

My fingers slowly graze the grass I stand upon,
     then suddenly tighten as I gasp for air.

My eyes stare blankly into the sky,
     as my lungs begin to tear.

They fill quickly with dust and small rocks,
     making it impossible to breathe.

My legs are weak and shake forcefully,
     I am summoned on to my knee's.

I willingly open my arms wide,
     accepting the future ahead of me.

As my skin disintegrates I'm released,
     my soul has finally become free.

Chaos fills my surroundings,
     with screams from the innocent.

The world is crumbling quickly,
     the situation arising causes content.

I have been absorbed into the chaos,
     I have become a fear.

I am what haunts you as you plead,
     your love to those who are dear.

You perceive this to be a disaster,
     yet to me it is a master piece of art.

The chaos will not end,
     until I have absorbed your heart.

An exit is sought, yet not to be found.

Defeat overwhelms me,
my mind  I cannot escape,
my anger spoken through actions,
my nerves are restless with adrenaline.

Jealousy uncleanly tears apart my soul.

I pray that I am deceived by these images,
for my sanity cannot afford this breakdown,
Have I not suffered enough already?

One simple glance at your smile,
enrages my soul with heat waves of anger,
This fusion inside of me is burning-
hotter than the depths of hell.

My urges become more tempting and irresistible.

What you value the most, would give me great pleasures to rip away,
for the passion of anger I hold, is beyond itself.

What appears through my words; is happiness,
but I've merely fooled you, as I am a master of deception-
my heart cries in pain.

*I am consumed by anger

At first we met, just out for some fun,
Halloween parties, come all but one.
Leaving my petty, sorrow behind,
I was on the floor, getting on my grind.

A drunken tale, it was for me,
Out for the night, completely free.
We drank and we danced,
Until our very last chance.

That was the night of decisions,
As he lay hospitalized with incisions,
That I chose to live for me,
And battle to be happy.

That night I was satisfied,
Feeling charged and electrified,
In the end, pleased with you,
And our arrangement too.

Copyright ©2015 Jamie Johnson

She always said I was strong,
and I never believed her.

I still don't.

I count on my best friend,
to tell me how it is.

She tells me I'm strong,
I think I understand....
I can always make the hard choices.

Even if it hurts.

The most recent choice,
was the hardest yet.

If you love someone,
let them go, they say.

I let her go...

She wouldn't admit it,
but things were bad.
I became a stranger-
to myself.

I couldn't love her enough,
because I'm angry all the time.
I couldn't help myself,
because I worry about her.

She doesn't understand;
she thinks we can manage.

But why?
Why should she manage?
Why should I manage?

Why can't we live?
For ourselves.

I've always said,
you never know what will happen,
and that everything,
happens for a reason - whatever that may be.

Maybe...one day,
in the future,
I will be ready for her.

She is amazing,
and now...
she's gone.

As the wind brushes the branches,
the leaves of the tree fall,
scattered upon the soft dirt,
they have been discarded.

One by one, they begin to flow,
caught in life's vicious current,
trampelled with ignorance,
into tiny crumbling pieces.

Still, the wind blows relentlessly,
the fragile binds; shattered,
a cruel, unavoidable cycle,
of stale life breathed anew.

Copyright ©2015 Jamie Johnson

In the first appearance,
of those piercing blue eyes,
my world expanded,
as you so selfishly loved me.

Without any understanding,
of my own selfishness,
we took our first steps,
into a new adventure.

Challenges and triumphs,
we faced them both;
yet it made no difference,
when the end arrived.

Three years of memories,
lessons, and growth.
You have changed,
and I have changed.

Our time has come,
to take our own paths.
Our shared journey,
was that of its own.

The absence of you,
within my life,
will never exist,
within my heart.

Each time I see it,
I can't help but wonder,
How long I will continue,
To hold this deep under.

I fear it may slip out,
Resulting in a fight again,
I try to overcome this;
My distrust of all men.

But every time I check,
Seeing her name once more,
My heart breaks further,
Making way to the core.

Flooded by painful thoughts,
I am asking, why her?
You have moved on in life,
but your heart seems unsure.

She was your longest love,
So much time you spent,
Things changed in your life,
And with that, your love went.

Though it didn't work,
Your heart still questions,
Or at least I feel it,
But dare not mention.

You would give blame to me,
Saying that I am insecure,
Although I certainly am,
It can't be me, of this I'm sure.

You won't ever admit to me,
That you still think of her,
My life is filled with ruin,
Everything has become obscure.

I push onward regardless,
hoping it's just a phase,
All the while trapped here,
In this awful mental maze.

I pray I am wrong;
you look because your curious,
But am I lying to myself,
Slowly becoming delirious?

You may see my lips smile,
never reaching my eyes.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You may hear my laugh,
never reaching my heart.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You may witness a moment,
never knowing it's depth.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You won't see me crying,
always keeping it hidden.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You won't hear the pain,
always buried deep inside.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You won't witness my grief,
always alone with the weight.
On the surface I seem fine,
but I am not okay.

You might know that I've lost,
but not what it means to me.
You might know that I'm broken,
but not what it means for me.

You might have an understanding,
but they will never be compared.
You might be in the same boat,
but not in the same seat as myself.

We may walk the same path,
or travel along the same river.
This does not mean we are the same,
You are you and I am me.

This is okay!

Our healing journey is unique,
and it's okay - to not be okay.
Our days will look different,
and it's okay - to not be okay.

Our struggles will vary,
and it's okay - to not be okay.
Our self-compassion differs,
and it's okay - to not be okay.

You will only see a fraction -
the parts that I wish to share,
the rest is my own burden,
mending my hearts biggest tear.

If I let go...who am I?

If I let go of the pain that made me strong,
does that mean I have become weak?

If I let go of the betrayals from the past,
how will I guard myself in the future?

If I let go of the anger I hold inside,
what will fuel the fire within?

If I let go of the wrong done to me,
will I make the same mistakes?

If I let go of the person I have been,
who am I?

I need you now more than I ever could have,
because I have this feeling that I cant describe.
Although you express to me your infinite love,
I can't seem to escape this feeling of suicide.

I don't want to let you go, I need you to hold me,
I need your reassurance in this dark place.
I want you to stroke my hair, and put me at ease,
I want to forever feel your warmth and grace.

It's happened once before and you were there,
you stayed by my side and we sought it through.
Not once did you frown when you never understood,
instead you held me tighter and there sat us two.

If there was ever a time when I truly needed you,
that time has come, like it did then.
So please don't abandon me cause I don't understand,
the only thing I know is that I need a friend.

Many times I have been lost,
yet you set me back onto my path,
Even though it became unsteady,
you were there to guide me as needed.

When life plays a difficult card,
your strength overcomes the challenge,
like a knight you have fought for me,
and offered the safety of your arms.

Though you have caused me pain,
I have done the same to you,
despite our fears we have shown,
that our life for each other is our life.

I would fall from the sky for you,
as your eyes replenish my soul,
for the comfort you provide,
feels as though I'm in the arms of an angel.

It feels like it's been,
a blink of the eye,
from the time we met,
until it was goodbye.

We've come so far,
from the first hello,
to standing here now,
wishing you didn't go.

I know how it works,
so I will try my best,
not to be too sad,
that you're laid to rest.

It may have been short,
but it was also eventful,
you opened your heart,
for that I am grateful.

I know it was hard,
to watch a love grow,
I know it was hard,
to let your baby go.

So now comes the time,
where I will tell you so,
that she loves you dearly,
though you already know.

Your impact will last,
through this you live on,
too much to be forgotten,
and never truly gone.

Deep within our hearts,
you're tucked safely away,
until we're re-united,
on some other day.

In this life, we have no certainty.
Our next day; never guaranteed.
Uncertain of our actions to come,
or the consequences that follow.

I soar not, through the night,
like the bat overcoming blindness.
But rather, crawl in the filth,
scared, hiding beneath the surface.

Like a knee, that only gives one way,
I have no ability of ownership.
I fuss over, and fear exposure,
for that awful feeling of humility.

In my silence, I am repenting,
begging forgiveness and mercy,
swearing I can control my sins,
I act with the best intentions.

You talk about that day, and my gut wrenches.
You say..you will never get over,
the things he did to you.
That you will always have fear;
making my heart shatter ten fold.

How do I accept the burden, I placed on you?
How do I face the mirror, knowing it was me,
that did this...to you?

How can I be so selfish,
thinking of how I have to live with this?
How can you forgive me,
and still tell me you love me?

How can I fix the biggest mistake I ever made?
How do I live with this regret?

You're always so willing to forgive,
and so right, to never forget.
How can I ever make it up to you?

The only thing I can do...is to make you a promise.

A promise that I will never forget how I betrayed your trust.
I will never forget the pain I caused you.
I will never forget the burden you carry, because of me.
I will never forget how awful of a sister I am.

A promise that I will always be there for you,
the way I should have been.
That I will never let anyone, including me, hurt you again.

A promise that I will honour to my death.

You may have forgiven me...but I could never forgive myself.
I will always remember what I did.

I am the judge of my life, despite those who will judge me.
My judgement is the only one I deserve, and with it,
a life sentence of torture; remembering.

I do not deserve to forget.
I do not even deserve your forgiveness.
But I shall remain here in this world,
spending my life, keeping my promise.

I lye in the deep dark shadows, of the hidden back alleys,
Scarred by the silence, of the cold darkness.
No bright lights along the perilous path, to guide you safely,
Past familiar places, you thought were harmless.

Late hours of the cold night, I sit and wait,
For my weary prey, to fall softly into my hands.
Comfort you shall not find, nor ease,
But simply what has been planned.

Unspoken words, find their means,
So many pleasures forbidden, like crimes.
Inhumanly acts committed, upon souls,
Souls I will soon claim to be mine.

Deceptive images, portrayed amongst innocent minds,
Muffled screams, corrupt the feeling of serenity.
As I creep into your thoughts, spreading my blackness,
You remain still, with the feeling of insecurity.

Each day that I wait,
brings more nerves,
These unique circumstances,
seems a little absurd.

How can it be possible,
that we are in love?
It is a guardian angel,
watching from above?

Words cannot express,
what I feel for you.
There is no denying,
that you feel it too.

My dear sweet love,
what will I ever do?
Because without her,
my world turns blue.

Seven months time has passed,
Since I last laid eyes on you,
you're embedded in my thoughts,
as a man that I once knew.

I often drift into wonder,
regarding the many paths in life,
never to evade, but evoke,
the memories of our shared night.

Despite the walls built for protection,
you managed to slide through,
you left me torn between regret,
as I tend to genuinely miss you.

I never thought we would be summed,
from an equation in our lives,
I never comprehended the possibility,
of you staring into my eyes.

Though unexpected, it was pleasant,
catching a glimpse inside of you,
for an understanding was gained,
you live through a heart that's true.

The realization does not exist,
of your importance to my heart,
nor will you ever understand,
for our lives changed apart.

I can't stop myself from thinking,
knowing the pain that you're in,
And it hurts me to be helpless,
wishing that I could make it end.

I'm so sorry this has happened,
and there's nothing I can do,
I know that my love isn't enough,
even though I feel it strongly for you.

I wish that it could be magic,
and heal your wounds,
I wish that you could tell me,
That you're okay too.

My poor kitty I am so sorry,
for what you're going through,
my dear kitty please know,
that I absolutely love you.

I hope you're okay babes 💚😔

She was cursed from her day of birth,
as she entered with an inevitable disease,
all structures are brittle from the start,
but since then her pain has not eased.

Life begins in such a fragile state,
equal beginnings as we're all disadvantaged,
throughout it all only one thing matters,
do you possess the will to manage?

Time after time it happens again,
her inner solidity has been broken,
she was once held together perfectly,
and now the truth remains unspoken.

Her instructions were full of deceit,
for the healers could not possibly know,
as they protected her from further damage,
in shame her head lay low.

She was punished with anger,
from pain she could not prevent,
she wondered why she was tortured,
her life was full of discontent.

She suffered emotionally as well,
for her heart was pure,
throughout her tragedies in life,
it's known that nothing great is for sure.

Insanity...
Doing the same thing,
Over and over,
Expecting different results.

The definition of my life.

Change...
Always occurring,
Bringing new challenges;
A key to growth.

The way of my life.

I endure constant change,
Yet underneath it all,
Nothing has changed.

Different cities,
Different employment,
Yet the same difficulties.

My soul is yearning,
For a new journey,
To meet myself.

My circumstances,
have changed,
My souls desire,
remains the same.

When will I step,
Onto this new path?
When will I leap,
Into my future?

Yesterday is too late,
Tomorrow is unforseen,
Today is what I have,
to change my scene.

I will crawl to it,
I will walk into it,
I will run for it,
Today is the day

Confusion leads to negative thoughts,
and yet my heart will never stray,
many battles I have fought,
to live with you in this day.

My mind continues to wonder,
conjugating a mess inside,
causes actions of blunder,
wishing that I would soon die.

My heart begins to decipher,
asking "what's truly going on?"
am I really that crazy?
why am I in the wrong?

How don't you understand me?
it's simpler than you think,
when will I be free?
where's the connection, the link?

Your confusion frustrates me,
have you even tried?
I just want to be understood,
I don't want to hide.

Each time I lose myself,
You always seem to find me,
When I'm locked into depression,
You always seem to have the key.

Though some take you for granted,
I see the value of you,
I know that I am lucky,
To have a friend who is true.

When I feel lower than dirt,
You're there to pick me up,
When I see things half empty,
It's the opposite for your cup.

When I need to hear the truth,
No one tells me like you do,
I love knowing I have a friend,
to depend on and get me through.

Where do I go from here?

Here. Where is here? Where have I ended up?
At what point do I end?

Have I completed my journey? Please say I have.
Tell me that my sentence is over.
My time is done.

Tell me that I will not bear this pain -
That I will not have to feel,
the magnitude of these emotions,
for another second longer.

Please tell me that my suffering will end…
that if my journey is not over,
I will soon find peace within.
That these feelings won’t last.

I need to know that one day,
the tiredness will disappear…

I won’t be tired…of waking up,
to face another day of struggle.
I won’t be tired…of looking at myself,
noticing every flaw that exists.
I won’t be tired…of hating who I am,
never reaching my better self.
I won’t be tired…of worrying,
about how others are judging me.
I won’t be tired…of failing,
only accomplishing the next day.
I won’t be tired…of being hurt,
when I open my heart to others.
I won’t be tired…of hurting,
the people I love the most.
I won’t be tired…of disappointment,
it’s in every face that I see.
I won’t be tired…of surviving,
taking it one day at a time.
I won’t be tired…of living,
holding onto the hope of death.

I am tired of fighting,
and my strength is worn.

Where do I go from here?

In times where I knew little,
with you by my side,
the feelings I had for you,
were hidden deep inside.

Now those days bring pain,
knowing your mind strayed,
regret lingers of how-
my cards were awfully played.

You sought a new beginning,
it lead you to my life,
but knowing your past,
is like the cut of a knife.

An overlap of people,
with whom you cared for,
though things have changed,
I want to know more.

You expressed your void,
with the words "I miss you",
now you're only friends,
but will your heart be true?

Is it her smile you need,
or the comfort of her?
My mind is all shaken,
into a darkened blur.

I know you love me now,
and perhaps half back then,
but ask yourself this;
is she only just a friend?

You were both once lovers;
she remains dear to you,
I only need to know that,
those feelings are through.

You're the one who said,
you don't talk as much,
but with a sad face,
it was said as such.

Not knowing your heart,
brings me down each day,
I feel utterly torn,
for feeling this way.

Whether it's winter and skiing,
or it's spring site-seeing,
Either summer and biking,
or even late fall hiking;
Whistler has it all.

From snowshoeing to canoeing,
even as far as golf to frolf,
Whistler is the place to be,
with so much for you to see.

There's zip-lining to fine dining,
or ice skating and fish baiting,
including a tour of bears,
you choose your story to share.

Many come from far away,
just to live the Whistler day,
as we bring people together,
while they make memories forever,
because Whistler has it all.

Through the foggy grey's,
Of freshly instilled,
Yet old insecurities,
I stay the course.

Whispers of doubt,
Deafen all other audio,
As it lingers amongst,
Every concious thought.

Uncertainty is permanent,
Placed by your words,
Only to be removed,
When actions of truth prevail.

Although reunited,
Segregation is prominent,
My heart aches knowing,
You denied me security.

It all became so clear,
why it holds its power.
Understanding dawned,
like a Christmas morning.

Now that I know,
it seems a tragedy,
to have been in the dark,
for so many years.

It changes everything;
my expectations,
my height of bliss,
and my appetite.

It has opened doors,
when there wasn't windows.
It has shed light,
into my darkness.

It brings excitement,
for what else exists.
It has sparked a fire,
that feeds my soul.

Such a simple pleasure,
that was denied until now.
I finally understand;
a new adventure begins

I stare down at you, and watch you in pain,
you stare up at me, watching the grin on my face appear.
Blood creeps from your wounds, as you scream for mercy,
for I have become your greatest fear.

Your pain and agony, brings me great joy and laughter-
now someone understands my pain.
Above you I stand, simply gaining pleasure,
knowing this is only one of my sick little games.

You lye there suffering and begging, constantly being tortured,
as I continue to horribly violate you.
Not regretting a single thought or action,
not seeing the wrong in what I do.

The world, the world, the world..
what makes the world go 'round?

Green paper, they claim.
Happiness, I always say.
Perhaps, it's kindness...
What of the blindness?

Turning and spinning,
just who, is winning?
When does it stop?
Who is at the top?

Surely, I am not,
as I sit, distraught.
Begging for strength,
or a shorter length.

This world, My world, Your world..
What makes Our world go 'round?

I can't seem to comprehend,
this test I'm facing.
I seem to be missing,
the lesson intended.

Am I not supposed to,
be so generous?
Am I supposed to learn,
gratitude in struggles?

Am I even being tested?
Am I searching for something,
that doesn't exist?
A reason for this feeling?

Am I meant to find,
my inner strength?
What is the purpose?
Because I want to break.

How do I face this?
How do I overcome it?
I feel like I'm drowing;
I want to dive deep.

Like the seasons,
we continue on this cycle.

Though we are,
without the ordered sequence.

Summers begins our year,
with hot blazes of passion.

Autumn breezes past,
with glimmers of warmth.

Suddenly, winter appears,
painful with deep colds.

Spring then follows,
bringing heavy wet clouds.

The time has come,
to which we repeat.

Without variation,
we sing our song again

Follow the sweet whispers of my voice,
embrace the sound of purity.
Track the scent of honey from my lips,
and feel the serenity of security.

Watch the butterflies dance in the wind,
as they lead to clear ocean's.
Feel the soft wind breeze past you,
and free your desires and emotions.

Be guided by the trail of fireflies,
That will brighten your way through night.
Taste the power of ****** desires,
experience the thrill of a feeling so right.

Indulge in the luxury of ****** fantasies,
release your soul to passions so divine.
Caress my body with your strong hands,
as you lay in the sand with a golden shine.

Upon exotic beds of red rose petals,
I lay bare with a light glisten on my skin.
Vibrant colours of leaves beneath the petals,
leaving your body warm from within.

Allow me to grant your fiendish desires,
share a slice of heaven so nice.
Endure this exhilarating adventure,
down the path to paradise.

What will I do when you've passed and gone,
we won't be on the phone for hours on and on,
I won't be able to call and say grandma I love you,
I'll just sit in the corner crying tears so blue.

What will I do when I need advice,
when I need to cook ham or even rice,
I'll be so lost and the food will be black,
without you cooking skills I lack.

What will I do when I grow up and have kids,
I couldn't explain to them where great grandma is,
They will only know you from the pictures I have,
and the memories I tell them in voice so sad.

What will I do when I need my best friend,
your were always there with your hand to lend,
Life will be so difficult, too much to handle,
but in my window will always be a candle.

I hope this day never comes soon...........

So often I stare in your eyes,
asking the same simple question;
of why?

Why,
are you not happy with what you see?
for you have grown beautifully..

Why,
must you paint your face to look?
so many hearts you took..

Why,
is your tiny figure not enough?
you have become so tough..

Why,
must you always compare?
you've become too aware..

Why,
will you never love yourself?
a prize worthy of your own shelf..

Why,
do you choose to remain blind?
just look and you will find..

Everything that I see in you,
a beauty that is true.


Copyright ©2013 Jamie Johnson.

The smell of green
seeps into every pore
feeding off of each other
I am one with the forest.

As I breathe into
the comfort of her arms
I am guided by
the heart we share.

Carelessly, and swiftly
I leave footprints, yet
She is without harm
as I reach her center.

My mind clears
to embrace her peace
releasing my soul
so she may see me.

As she accepts
our dance begins-
to her strong lead
I follow with ease.

In these moments
I am free of confinement
My spirit is hers
for nature is my Mother