i think my demons are feeling replaced.
the things they would normally communicate to me
are coming out of the mouths of those i am forced to surround myself with.
you can't be convinced of something you've already accepted.

i used to pray for the voices to stop
but ever since they've been quieted by those around me,
i've decided that i'd rather have the voices--
the lesser of two evils.
it's ironic, isn't it?
like how i crawled into my bed last night and cried,
"i just want to go home"
until i fell asleep.
am i supposed to feel disappointed every time i wake up?
i shouldn't feel like a stranger in my own skin.

lately i've been struggling a lot
in this sea of anxiety.
it's hard to float with bullet holes in your back.
maybe that's why i've been drowning
for as long as i can remember.

just pull me under.
please.
j.c.

some days i am so sad
i feel like i could throw up.
i imagine it's all the words I've swallowed
trying to climb out of me.
on days like this,
i think about all the times people have told me
i deserve to be happy.
and for some reason,
i cannot stop crying.
on days like this,
i find myself unable to get out of bed.
on days like this,
i think to myself,
"there are no good days,
only days like this."
sometimes i can't seem to shake the feeling
that everyone's out to get me.
and suddenly,
people start to smile brighter
when i'm not around.
i know what i must do.

on days like this,
i wish i could just cut this sadness out of me.


abandon ship
j.c.

she's got eyes blue enough to swim in,
deep enough to drown in.
she'll make you want to get lost at sea.
i didn't know it was possible to love the undertow
until i met her.
she will draw you in
just like the moon pulls the tide
in an attempt to keep the two bodies together.
yet she will ward you off,
keep you at bay.
it's hard to fall in love with a sailing ship from the dock.
she is a beacon of light too bright to observe.
her hands are the coldest you'll ever hold;
i think her heart is too.
she's always been too scared and unprepared
to let anyone get close to her.

the girl that carries the weight of the world on her shoulders
but isn't strong enough to walk away.
j.c.

I want you to haunt me when you die. I don't want to forget what it was like to be constantly tortured by you. I want to feel every bit of your existence even when you're long gone and my lips no longer remember yours.

today i remembered what he smelled like.
i caught a whiff of something oddly familiar.
at first, i wasn't sure what it was,
but it hit me all too fast.
it was him.

i'm somehow always caught between forgetting he's dead
and remembering he's dead.
today i remembered.

chocolate axe body wash with a hint of lavender--
that's him.
it jogged my memory in an aggressive fashion,
almost intrusive.
all this time i was searching for him and came up short.
this time he found me.

the pursuit was long over.
after all, it's been almost two years
but there's something about it;
it shook me to the core,
it jolted me awake.
you see,
all this time i was asleep
in a cloudy daze
lost with no direction
but now?
now the quest continues with an unfamiliar sense of urgency.
how can i get to you?
how can i bring you back to me?
j.c.

Time was just a concept before I met you.
An illusion created by humans in order to get oneself through the day.
To get from point A to point B.
But now I see it as something created by God to help us understand the universe.
Night follows day,
summer follows spring,
old follows young,
sun rises tomorrow,
and I still love you.

I still love you.
I have learned that to be with those I love is enough
so in all actuality, I could lay with you forever.
And I want to stay with you until they come for us.
And I promise you, I will try harder next time
to be exactly what you need.

I never had the chance to tell you,
so I guess now is the perfect time.

I miss the way you sound when you’re tired
and how you always have your hands in your pockets.
I miss the scars on your face from all those years ago
and I know it hurt like hell
but I love the story behind them.
I miss when you say my name at the end of your sentences
and how you look so peaceful when you sleep.
I miss our stupid little arguments and how they’d always end up with you showing up to my house with kisses for apologies and your arms were strangely the safest place I can remember.
You made my knees rattle like flood gates after a hurricane
and I swear you set my heart on fire.

And although I was not born to love you miserably for the rest of time,
I have no doubt in my mind that loving you will be the death of me.
You were my home and my hardest goodbye.

so i guess this is it,
the end of forever;
no one could've seen this coming.
the separation of past, present, and future.

past:
a smile from you
could spawn
a kaleidoscope of monarchs
in the pit of my stomach.
i fell in love
with the way you rested your chin
upon my head,
we were invincible.
i could have laid in your arms
for years.
i would have.
i had enough hope to feed a village.

present:
you tell me
this was long overdue,
that we're past our prime,
but there's no expiration date
on the sound of your laughter.
how do i explain to you
there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
today i am a quiet shade of blue.

future:
people will ask me
what was loving him like?
and i will smile and say
it was as if
the sadness had never swept me
under the rug.
i will tell them
how i felt whole,
how you gave me something
to look forward to.
i will tell them
how you lit a fire in my chest
and evacuated only yourself.
no words,
no warning,
not even the butterflies
made it out alive.
i should have known this was coming
by the way you always reeked of smoke
and bad intentions.

you see,
i confused you for someone
who would hold my hand
when things got dark.

i just wish i had some closure.
j.c.

I just called to say I love you
And to me you are a king.
I just took a bunch of pills
But I don't feel a thing.
All the pain meds are gone
The depression ones too.
I'm beginning to hear things
That aren't really true.
I think I'm seeing doubles
But it may be just a twin.
I'm feeling kind of sleepy
And my breaths are getting thin.
It's getting harder to find words
That rhyme just the right way.
"I love you, goodbye."
Is all I wanted to say.

I did not plan on falling in love with you.
We were friends,
but that night you kissed me was something else.
For the first time, I felt fire on my lips and although I questioned your intentions,
I wanted to feel your mouth part with mine over and over and over and over and -- well, you get the point.

You never planned on making any moves because of what happened in April.
But, to keep this between the two of us,
I still feel awful every day.
I know I hurt you before but that was one time too many.
Never again will I break you.
Never again will I let my sloppy drunk kiss pull you in
just so I can wake up the next morning feeling some form of regret.
I will never understand why you were so persistent
or why you ever forgave me
or why you let me in again
but something about you is just oh-so special.

You are the biblical definition of perfection.
You are humble
and kind
and honest
and naive
and extremely insecure.
But I guess I have no one to blame but myself for that one.

And please stop saying I deserve better because you're wrong.
I deserve you,
nothing more, nothing less
and why can't you get that through your thick ******* skull?

I was always taught that to love is more important than to be loved
but love is a two way street.
Love is that busy road down the block with no crosswalks.
Yeah, you have to be patient and wait for the perfect time to run across
but what's on the other side holds more beauty then you could've ever imagined.

And if I could go back and change a thing, I wouldn't dare.
You make my heart smile whenever I'm with you.
You are, at worst, the rising sun.
And really, what is living for if not for falling in love?
You are magnificent.
And one day,
I will find the right words to say.
One day,
I will be able to form rational thoughts and coherent sentences explaining the things that can only be written on paper.
One day,
I will be able to tell you how kissing you was like swerving into oncoming traffic
and being without you was the hardest thing I never learned to cope with.
One day,
you'll know.
And it'll all make sense.

And even though it happened anyways,
I swear,
I did not plan on falling in love with you.

i'm going to tell you a story
about the girl who carved novels
into her wrists
because she struggled to find
the right words to say.
she would often find herself choking
on misplaced syllables
and unexpected vowels.
you see,
the lump in her throat
is all the words she'd wished she'd said
trying to claw their way out of her.
the lump in her throat isn't a can't,
it's a won't.
so when you ask her why she doesn't speak
it's not because she lacks the ability
to form rational thoughts
and coherent sentences.
it is because she finds no struggle in her silence.
and when you ask her what's wrong,
she'll say nothing.
but if you're lucky,
she might roll up her sleeves
revealing what had been known
only to her.
and maybe you won't know what to say
and that's alright.
but don't just tell her to stop.
that's like telling someone
not to jump
when their toes are already curled around the ledge.
instead, acknowledge that what she's feeling is real
and be her voice when she can't find the words.
j.c.

when you leave home, home leaves you

little did i know that meant
                      
                                                         forgetting what his room smelled like
j.c.

I miss you so much and I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. you're everywhere. you're in my thoughts. you're in my dreams. you're underneath the floorboards. you're in my pills. I can't escape you. the only way to get rid of you is to get rid of myself.

bodies fit together
and sometimes they don't.
cupid struck me with a billion arrows,
each with precision and force.
i guess he was so focused on me he forgot about you.

you coursed through my veins,
ran laps in my head.
you filled me to the brim.
my love for you ran deep
but the feeling was not mutual.
you see, when he tells you he cares,
he means only when it is convenient for him.

listen when i say:
one-sided love
is not really love at all,
simply adoration.
and i know now that i deserved better
than anything you had to offer.
you taught me to not beg for what does not want to stay.

bodies fit together
and sometimes they don't
and although i promised myself i'd get over it,
i still like to think that it hurt you too
j.c.

Every day is a different start.
You could have a cup of coffee,
you could stay in bed,
you could dress up,
you could skip school,
but what will you choose?
Because I know having the same routine can get a little boring and you may want to switch it up but please don’t get bored with me.
Don’t leave me.
Not now, not ever.
Not even when the sun explodes and the earth bursts to flames and everything that ever was is gone.
Not even when World War III breaks out in your own home and you swear you can’t take it any longer.
And I promise you, I haven’t lost my way.
Just give me some time to find myself
but don’t forget to open your chest because I think I lost her somewhere between your rib cage and your rotten lungs.
You cough up broken promises like a habitual smoker and I can’t help but wonder what kind of air you're breathing and who in God’s great name did this to you?

I've never had anyone stick by me for longer than the time it took me to learn how to tie my shoes.
I had never loved before you came along mainly because I was never quite sure what love was.
Love is the butterflies I get in my stomach when you say my name.
It’s an unattainable goal that’ll always be just out of your reach but not out of your sight.
It’s an ear-splitting cry for help but the person isn't a victim and they don’t need saving.
To love is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.
But, I didn't just fall in love you know,
I made a parachute jump.
Now, there’s no way to know for sure,
but I’m almost certain it’s real when your heartbeat sounds more like a ticking time bomb.

That night went by so fast, almost as if it never happened.
Yet it went so slow that every single word and thought and emotion was processed like the meat you buy from the supermarket.
Yet some things are still so unclear.
The adventuring must have meant nothing to you.
The hours we spent laying on the hammock were so bittersweet.
Sweet when you held me in your warm embrace,
and bitter when you got up and walked away.

I still hear the sound of your voice and think of earthquakes.
I remember the low rumble coming from my heart;
or was it my lungs?
Either way, there was a very unnatural disaster occurring somewhere within my chest that day and I can’t help but think of the bike rides in the woods.
The winding roads, the rocks and branches, the trips and falls, the scratches and cuts, and how you kissed every single one.
Your lips were like a dream and I remember how your eyes looked when you told me about your father.
I didn't think someone so magnificent was capable of feeling that much pain and loneliness and maybe now I understand why you couldn't stay.

But that doesn't explain why you left me there almost as if to say,
"I changed my mind. Loving you is impossible. It’s too much work, it’s too much pain."
But if that's true, then why is it my heart being shattered between your teeth?
All I wanted was a little more time.

they say that if a butterfly ***** its wings
at just the right place,
at just the right time,
it can cause a hurricane halfway around the world.
crazy isn't it?
how something so delicate
can collapse an entire village.
makes me wonder if you knew you had a poisonous touch--
mercury running through your veins
like Hermes relaying messages back to
Zeus--Jupiter.
there is a massive storm
larger than Earth
that has raged the planet relentlessly
for hundreds of years
no end in sight.
they call it the Great Red Spot.
it reminds me of you.
how long did it take for you to grow into your anger?
your fists have been balled for as long as i can remember.
got me wondering when you're gonna swing.
j.c

we were spectacular
at least, i thought we were.
when you left me, all of my happiness was eradicated.
i am left with nothing but my own thoughts
my nightmares.

no one understands this pain.
you made happiness look easy
it was easy.
now, wherever i go, i always end up at your house.
when i walk out my front door, i see a world better off without me in it
my life only has potential once it's over.

in my dreams, you spit up apologies like fire.
i close my eyes and i see you coming back to me
you always come back.
i wake up, and for a split second, i feel euphoric
like i'm walking on air
and all of a sudden, i am in my bed alone.
it's like a reverse sigh of relief.
you're gone and you're not coming back and i know that
i ******* know that.
so i don't understand why i keep wishing on a star that has already burned out.

this pain is
astronomical
j.c.

they used to say our love was forever--
the kind that makes you watch,
and wait,
and hope--
the kind you should stand by.

the day eternity came to an end.
you said "no hard feelings".
but there were no feelings at all.

you left me profoundly callous.
you see,
you were everything extraordinary about me.
i remain cold, removed,
keeping my distance from any potential afflictions.

i need not worry
to weigh me down.
j.c.

you always said

"there's plenty of fish in the sea",

but every one i come across,
i compare to you.

i have yet to find one worth drowning for.
j.c.