someday it will
come again.
someday someone
will come in.

a star
with the deepest depths in the eyes
with the gentlest of breaths
and endless soul in the smile

one day
i'll forgive this pain
not forget -
forgive.

cotton candy clouds
adorn the purple blue sky
as i wonder what lays ahead

but for now
life is so sweet.

The air so warm and soft
almost whispering to me
about the good that lays beyond

but for now
life is so sweet.

as i reach up to the sky
almost able to touch those sweet
cotton candy clouds.

so sweet.

A world without you
What does it mean?
My world was always with you even before I met you.

If my world was without you,
I don’t think
I can imagine it -
Yet.

My world without you
Would be an empty void where positivity should have been,
A hole in my being where flesh should be.

My world without you
Would be a plant that never grew
It would be a raven that could not fly
It would be a laugh without sound
It would be somewhere we never knew.

A world without you
What does it mean?
My world will always be with you even after you’re gone.

they told me to
take it as a grain of salt.

as if the words they said
did not rub into my wound

and burn
like salt does.

so here i am,
taking it like a grain of salt
the wounds burning through my skin
while i just smile like i always do.

no matter how much
water i pour over my cracking hands

i can't wash away the feelings
of when you were here.

can't wash away all the memories we ever shared.
no matter how much i want to.

the scent of your skin
burns through my nose no matter how hard i try to
extinguish it.

the sound of your laughter
rings through my head despite
the crowd around me.

the view of you from behind
forever punctures my heart
even though i've long ago taken out the dagger.

i stand at the mirror
and try
to forget it all.

wash
wash away,
please.

i hope by the time you read this
you have realized something about yourself.

anything at all.

that you're beautiful
that you're smart
that you're worth it
that you're art.

but i can't tell you these things
since they are things you must find within yourself;
i know
you will not believe me.

to those who have not found:
search a little closer
get a better mirror
magnify the music of your soul ten times the max volume
it can reach.

i guarantee you,
there's something there.
and even if everything else seems like it's in despair

remember you had it in you to get here.

so there must be something.
anything at all.

for how can you ever hope to love someone else,
if you can not find the love within yourself?

the world is
my oyster
they say.
yet,
why has my life
produced no pearls?
only tears
and gritty sand
polluting the land
around me.

doesn't it seem today
that the air blows
a different way?

almost telling me that
today is not yesterday ~

does she know
the way we danced?

those sparkling eyes
emerging from new love

how could she know?

tell me does she know
the late night telephone

endless
conversation
infinite
discussion

that golden light
emerging from new love

how could she know?

tell me will you tell her
how you loved
how you didn't
and everything in between?

tell me will you tell her
the demons you shared
the ones you caused
and the tears of all the broken souls around you?

how could she possibly know?

i didn't.

i knew it when she came
and your eyes
shifted.

i knew you knew back then
how i secretly had invisible flowers behind my back
that i never had the courage to give you.

yet i let you break my heart.
i let you use me --
giving you hints about the girl she was
just further reminding myself
of the girl i can never be.

and even months later

i was still carrying the dead flowers
behind my back,
the ones who died from discouragement
and low self esteem.

but i still carried them.
within me,
their pollen sticking to my hair, skin, and soul.

you think that
you do not matter but
you are my everything

and even if
the glass stars in your eyes die
and the flowers in your smile wilt
only i can replant them

so, my dear
these battles you fight inside
please let me
protect you

and i know that you don’t want
to let me in so easily
but i
and i alone
am willing to pick up the pieces of your heart
and sew the pieces
into something stronger

we were so far no ruler could measure
exactly how far our hearts and minds were from one another.

It’s you
It’s always been you
In the ever changing universe

You’re the only constant thing
Like nature gave you a purpose on this earth...

it was one of those things you couldn't capture.
it was just everything,
and everything
just was.

if i can be
her

but i can't i know my dear
because i have no space

in your heart.
but if i can be
someone else

i am here.
reliably.

i fall in love so
easily

like the night is sure to come
i too will fall like the sun

into the cold embrace of

the night.
of him.

the stars were pale dots in the sky
so faraway

and in this corner of this star's surrounding dust
was a girl in love.

such an indescribable feeling
she wondered if the other tiny dust around those faraway stars
also felt the same.

it is again time
to start anew
whether that means
strict journaling
or silly diets
it's new.

and the one thing i need to cleanse
is making my start
stained

memories of you
of him
of her
can i let them go yet?
maybe not
or else
it will have been as if nothing
ever happened.

as if what happened
wasn't significant
and trivial.

and so i clutch on
into the new year
in fear that my story has gone
unrecognized
and praying that my pain may be erased
but not yet.

or that someone else
will make my fists drop them
one
by
one.
and then maybe then
can i forget them all.

the days
so long and like
a broken stitch that keeps running away from me.

when will it be over?
i wonder.
only to realize that the people i love are also
running in the strands that I keep pulling

until the seams of my heart start to open
and its contents spill onto some unsuspecting
being.

Until they too,
run away from me,
endlessly.

oh how i want to feel
that love was something

someone built for me in their tree house
with makeshift tools and daisy chains

intricate
and even flawed because love,
love is imperfect.

oh how i want to feel they built me the sun.

i gave you the sun.
created in the toolshed of my heart

the labor into making
a light out of dark.

it was imperfect,
it was patchy.
but it was my sun.

and i so wanted it to be yours.

here's to the moments when
you're so in love that it consumes you
like falling into a bottomless pit
that leads to nowhere.

and you know no one can save you,
not even yourself.

on the eve of the day of love
i wonder why we need one

when we should be loving each other everyday...

you are my
beautiful paradise.

when everything else in the world
feels so ******* wrong.

when the world comes crashing down
and I have to look strong

I know I don't have to in front of you.

it is always
"sorry" from you.

as if the burden of having me around...

is only too great.
like i'm a fragile porcelain doll

that you need to glue the pieces for.

up there in the sky way high
is where a star once shone
until it fell out of the sky -
but even in this darkness
it condensed its superpowers

until it was infinite.

so in your darkest of times
grab onto all  
shining stars of love you have
and condense it deep within your mind
until it is also
infinite.

open
and close

clench
and release

control
your emotions

and find
your peace.

love,
like a hurricane

it's one of those things that seems to never come
but when it does,
it comes all at once.

purest flowing clarity
resembling the innocence of a child's soul
lies in the muddiest and cloudiest
rivers

within us all.
it flows within our veins

if you only let the light shine through.

if it was fated to be
so be it
because you are my
beautiful destiny.

shining like the brightest north star
guiding me hand in hand
soaring towards the future.

for some reason you set me somewhere
beyond all reality...
free.

i grow away and away like a rose bush gone unpruned
waiting to bloom again.
but i smile because

don't you remember?

you are my
beautiful destiny.

a person coming
is a tremendous thing

for not only do they bear gifts
but also secrets

ones they'd rather keep away in a locked broom closet;
because making excuses is easier than true
explication.

and so when that person comes
you must treat them tremendously

because we all have things we'd like to keep dark.

never quite one
never both
belonging to neither
pushed to either side

it's a constant crisis.
like the petals of an iris
slowly blowing away from finding my
identity.

two worlds
unlike each other in every way
where each party says i am too like the other
something all immigrants and children of those
can understand.

the sweet smell of homecooked meals
permeating the neighborhood
full of those who could never appreciate.

the laughter of my friends
ringing in the air
of a home they could never quite understand.

the thoughts
invading my head
of a culture i tried to reject.

who am i?
two worlds
never quite one
never both
always pushed to either side.

I stand in the crossroad,
Like a million before me
Unsure

Of what to do
To sit?
To stay?
To move away?

It’s alright I guess
If we sit a while
And just rest.

But at some point
We must stand
And not dream off to
Some imaginary land.

Right?
Or left?
Right?
Or wrong?

Where this all goes from here
We must all stay strong.

as time goes by
i find myself
drifting closer to saying goodbye.

because i'm scared
to show you all that's inside
when all that's there are empty lies.

when will i be able to tell you this
i wonder?
perhaps never but remember me clear

i don't open up like a flower in the spring
perhaps you found me pretty as a bud.
but I will firmly stay shut
since i don't want the harsh wind to blow my petals away.

a passerby may find them pretty
but they are all my tears that they don't know.
so my dear,

closed as i may be
i only fear
that one day you may flee from me.

the only one
that i can understand

is myself.

the only one
that i can trust

is myself.

yet why do i not know what i am feeling
and why do i lie to myself in my mind...

it's the dark in the night that consumes you.

if indifference is the opposite of love,
*I don’t stand a chance

i trusted until i hear everything i’ve ever told him from the mouths of people i never told...

like a sea of teeth and mouths and unfamiliar lips
drowning me in their laughter
while i feel the me within myself rip.

i trusted him so.
trusted him,
trusting me,
Until the rivers in my eyes just could not trust any longer.

dear expectations,
i swear one day i will be strong

strong enough to defy you.
To destroy
to smash
to obliterate the views you create of me.

but not yet.

the false image of who i am
versus who everyone perceives me to be
constantly
constantly
weighing down on me
are the shouts and the disgruntled comments i hear
and i pretend not to feel them
but every time someone tells me
"oh come on"
it's just another arrow to my heart.

if i fall,
will i even make a sound?
will the stars in the sky even blink?

when night comes,
will I still be alone,
while others dream?

will anyone choose to save me?
to hear me?

dear expectations,
one day i will be strong enough to defy you,
but i dont know how.

i lay
still dressed in the blue gown
from tonight.
makeup still
adorning my face
and the pearls
still shining on my neck.

but i feel drained
for no apparent reason other than
that i just felt sad.

why?
i do not know
but i write over
and over
and over again
"i should have asked him"

i regret.
and so i felt like ringing up a few old friends
and so we talked.
until dawn
but the tears still linger in my eyes.

is it love
if you never loved me back
the butterflies in my stomach
were unmatched?

is it love
if i saw the gaze in your eyes
on the girl whose eyes were moonstones
and smile was the great wide ocean

is it love
if i built you a ship to her heart
from the wood of the forest in my soul?

is it love
when i lay at night no where near
asleep
wondering where my shortcomings were
or how i can fit her moonstones in my eyes

is it love
is it love
is it love
am i in love with you?

folded
carefully
as to preserve her inside.
constructed
rigidly
for she is flawless on the outside.
fake
she is perceived
for she doesn't know who she is.

Sometimes the vast window opens
Fractured
But forgiving

Knowing everyone else does it too
Empathy for the shared shadow of all else who
Desperately fell

There is a dusty harmony
A musty and dark air
Tainted with the protruding strength of her infinite suns

And they all can hardly breathe
As her flowers suffocate them
Because they were trying for her
Not them.

She wondered whether the beginning was all a trap,
Covered in the illusion that true light was outlandish,
Leaving her in the dark.

you'll be protected
you said,
as long as you answer me honestly.

so i believed you
stupidly
and spilled all my heart was holding

and you protected me.
for just a moment, i felt warm
like the sun was finally shining.

there's a slab
of reflective glass
whom we all think tells the truth

but all it does
is tell us lies about our beauty
preventing it from
emanating from our souls.

you are a thing that rolls with the seas
slowly undulating through the white sea foam on the stormy tide
wondering when you too can sparkle
like the clarity you see reflected in the horizon at sunset-

but the foam while unclear
contains thousands of little bubbles-

tiny pockets of air that help me breathe.

the morning after a long night of sadness
in which you finally tricked your mind at four a.m. to repress
the deepest thoughts that tangle in your hair

you wake up to find your dreamworld is only that
and your real-world is merely what it is.

the moon will shine again,
so i keep everything tucked in my pillowcase
in hopes i can return again.

Remember it was never about the end
And it was always about the beginning

Never how far from the finish
But always how far you came

in this life we spend so long
pursuing happiness . . .

we often forget
to take a moment
and just be happy.

they say before you die
a slideshow of your life appears before your very eye
until it fades into whiteness...

if i could touch my memory of
all that i lived for
oh death does not seem so much a fright.

even for a second
i can relive all the love and hope
that is characterized as human

oh how i hope it is true
so i can make sure one last time it was all real.
or even if it wasn't

i can smile at this sweet dream that i call my own.