10:07PM
i'm tired of seeing
your pictures at the beach
with that guy.
i know you're ******* him,
but we used to have moments.

i wish i took a chance on you.

I still hear the ocean
whenever I close my eyes.

"I love the beach," you said.
I looked at you then
with a grin on my face.
It wasn't intentional
but I used to make those
when you were near.
I guess it meant I'm happy,
or stupid enough to believe
what you say.

I still feel the sunset—
its glow, the overrated
orange skyline,
the melancholy it
wrapped us in.
A subtle reminder that the day
was about to die
and that it's so **** beautiful
when it does.
I told you this kept
my heart beating.
You were too quick
to agree.

Maybe that's why
you had to leave.

Maybe you liked
the sunrise more.

I found the moon
somewhere far from here.
But I thought she
knows me the same way
she did before—
now she's nothing but
a dream
I'm hoping to forget.
A forbidden love
from a forbidden island—
oh, I hope the sun rises
before the night
takes me away again.

I miss you.

My mind spelled your name
with such intimacy
that I craved for the lips
between your legs
at two o' clock in the morning,
with sweat running down my spine.

And I know that my name
orchestrates the symphony
under your sheets
whenever you're alone
on a Sunday afternoon.

I guess we can call it even.

you walk this earth
with nothing but pain
and yet you blossom
so beautifully—
a lotus in winter,
defying all odds
and all of nature.

you are more than
who you think you are.
a king without a throne,
a lion without a pride—
you can be either
without anything else
to your name.

i am not who birthed me,
and i will not apologize
for this space i consume.

i am not their mistake
and i will not mistake
kinship for love
any longer.

i will own myself
once and for all.

starving as he was,
the snow could not hinder
the undying rage
beneath his fur, his skin—
it was boiling,
as if to erupt,
to evolve into
something entirely
different.

wailing, he kept walking
despite the weight of it all,
shredding every piece
of humanity ever
afforded to him.
it was then
that he realized
animals were never
concerned with rights
or wrongs—
only what was
in their hearts,
or their craving.

he kept his fangs
showing, his claws
sharp enough to maim,
to turn his next friend
into a victim—
just so he can go back,
rest, and live
another god-awful day.

whatever i touch
turns into tragedy—
Midas wishes his hands
were made of mine.

i dare not touch
trees and their leaves—
their old age
will not matter
once i graze their skin.

i do wonder
if everything good
that comes are worthy
of my ruin—
they quickly turn
sour and ugly
once they,
finally,
rest their heads
on my lap
and i am left here,
once again,
picking up the scraps,
telling myself
nothing incredibly,
or inherently, bad
has happened yet.

but what if it comes?

what if the world
decides to put
the blame on me
and punish me
for simply being alive?

should i keep
crawling back
to life?

or should i
accept the fate
i have been given?

I've got a lot in my head.
a lot of you, maybe.
i'm trying hard
not to fall too hard for you.
we've been this way before.
oh, i'm sure you know--
your eyes need validation.
this desolation that I get
from looking at you
looking at someone else
is terribly inconsistent.
you said, "i'd love for us to spend a night together."
oh, darling, if only you knew.

You're on your way home
and i've always wanted
to take you.
I know I'm not
your type of guy
but this is my type of disaster
so, i hope you kind of want to take me, too.
take me to hell, maybe
'cause that line sounds preposterous
and pretentious
at the exact same time--
but not really.
it all comes down to, "do you believe in it?"
and i believe in you,
and in love,
and in coincidence
and in the idea of chasing you
'cause that's all i can ever hope for.
you're all i can ever hope for.

I've got a lot in my head.
a lot of you, maybe.
honestly, i have fallen.
yes, too hard, for you.
and love found me too soon.
i hope it didn't yet
'cause right now
i'm half fixed, half broken
and always out of tune.
like the moon, you'll always find
your way back
and that scares me
'cause i'm not the one you'll go back to.
i'm not even the one
you took a chance with.
i'm not anyone.

I'm on my ****** way home.
and i begin to daydream
on how we'll spend that night together
if it ever comes in touch with reality.
and if it will ever make a difference,
i'll just put this out here
so you'll know:
i love you.
that's right, darling,
i'm starting to.

10:29PM
nothing better to do,
that's why i did it.
drugs never caught me
do the police, darling.
i started
to sweat,
you started
to swear.
you felt terribly real
inside my mind for a second there.
she said,
"honey, will you fix my hair?"
i said, "not anymore, baby. no."
lie.
obviously.
not you.
me.

days seem endless,
and i, bound,
chained to oblivion,
do not see a future
in the beyond.

my fingers, as stout
as they are, are the first
to dissipate slowly
into nothingness.
i have given
everything to
not make it so—
yet a man left
to perish can only do
what a dead one
is ever allowed to.

i love you,
and although love
is but a word riddled with
fantasies, lies, and heartache,
i surrender to the idea
that i am yours,
and yours alone.

i wonder,
will my bits and pieces
remain in your memory
after all of this?
will a part of me
stay humming,
breathing,
in your own little world?

when everything is gone
and i have faded,
will my words,
pretentious as they appear,
still ring true to your ears?

will you forget me
in the vastness
of the void,
in the grand
scheme of things?

i believe so.

but darling, it is not
your fault.

it never will be.

You see,
in a world of
dos and don'ts,
you're the only reason
I need
to conquer anything.

Cigarettes are a close second.

11:11PM
wishes
sent to the heavens
like love letters.
"bitter," she said.
i never really
knew what she meant
but
i was too afraid
to tell her
that whenever i close my eyes
to pray,
or to hope for today,
she replaces
every last piece of you.
and yes, she'll eventually be
my heartbreak,
too.
i don't mind that.
i don't mind that at all.

Walls are caving in;
struggling for another breath.
I want to let go.

6:07PM
i stared at the wall
for an hour or two.
i sniffed one more line
and forgot about you.
i'll sniff a little bit more
just to be sure.
i'll be back.

5:14PM
i hate how
she reminds me of
warm embraces
and forehead kisses
on this lazy
afternoon
when all she ever did
was to leave.

"Did it help you, babe? The silent treatment, I mean."

"I'm not sick, babe. I don't need you to treat me that way."

"I have to."

"No. You just want to. Don't worry, I'm not taking you back."

"Thank you."

"Thank yourself. I'm only doing this 'cause I loved you."

"Until now?"

"Babe, I think this is the part where I reciprocate the silent treatment. Also, I said it in past tense."

"I don't believe you."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I know."

when the sand fills,
and the hands of time
caresses you into submission,
freedom feels a little too
overrated a concept.

we are puppets
dangling at the side
of a building, waiting to
be taken off the clothesline
or by the wind—
both of which we know
we'd gladly take just
to end the discussion.

i am a firm believer
in whispers.
small talk isn't
too small for me.
i hold my words too close
to my chest i barely breathe
without them.

so now, as my eyes fail me,
i wish time will be so
kind enough to tell me
how all of this ends.
i do not want to suffer
more than i already do—
and i do not need
another lesson on how to
survive in this
god-forsaken life.
yet everyone feels
compelled to
give me one anyway.

Lightning split the sky in half;
it was just like us, many many months ago.
The rain was as heavy as my sweat
at the thought of having to see
your estranged face once again
at point blank range.
I saw you, and you were as beautiful
as the day I lost you.
As beautiful as this night, with a dash of thunder,
romance,
and heartache.
A minute became an hour;
and an hour became my
most prized possession.
A trophy that only I
would ever dream to have.
Then, we kissed.
A kiss that I thought we'll
never share again.
Our hearts were made whole
for a second
--only for a second.

You were brave enough
to meet me
and I was scared enough
to let you go.
And we are just mediocre people,
trying to fit each other in our mediocre lives,
full of even more mediocre people--but I'm done with all that ****.

I want you to know
that there's a room,
no,
there's a forest for you,
here, in my heart.
A place that no one else
deserves.
And you will tell me
that you don't need it.
You will tell me
that you don't care.
You will tell me
that you're not worth
all the scars and
all the wounds but,
honey,
you are.
You truly are.
And this moment will end
without you and I,
but I hope our hearts
won't forget
how we melted
at each other's sight,
on each other's arms,
under this gloomy,
lovely,
bittersweet night.

smiles are usually free—
yet yours seem distant
and a little too much for
my taste.

the warmth you gave—
i wanted to fan it to flames but
i couldn't.

i guess we should
be careful of what we say.
we could end up
not telling
what we truly mean.

i spend a quarter of my time
dreaming of days gone from memory,
their vestiges lost in anticipation
of something new—
something worth betting
my remaining life with.

i wish i could go anywhere,
yet like a bird in a cage
i am merely a slave to these chains
and there's little to no chance
i'm making it out alive.

there is reprise, they tell me,
in my laughter—
perfectly rehearsed,
unapologetically
apologetic of jokes
meant to soothe
my own misery.
it is all i know,
and it is all
i will ever need.

"you remind me
of greatness," they tell me.
yet they forget reminders
are odes to what used to be
rather than what is.

these days, i turn to the future.
"dreams are for the blessed,"
i tell myself.
someday they will fade
and i, alone, will remain.

before dawn breaks,
before the sun strikes
the ground,
let me savor you.

we are nothing with clothes on
and everything without.
i believe the heaven
they want to find
pales in comparison
to the heaven i found
inside yo—

please, don't let the
bedbugs bite.