I let them believe they know me
But I lie through my teeth
Feed them what they want to hear
To keep them at arm's length
To keep them in smoother waters
To keep them far from the ugly
Because it is far more dangerous
Beneath the surface

And they have never been good swimmers

They say

“You don’t choose who you fall in love with”

But I did.
In the end of it
I did
Because I could have chosen
To walk away
Every time you started
To run
But every time
I stood still
I chose you.
And I’m afraid this time
You might be gone for good
And I still choose you.
.
I could have ran too.

He grabs my hand
His touch is foreign
...
But not uncomfortable

I think I'm beginning to understand
That the galaxies under my skin
Were never made for public consumption

That the stars in my eyes
And the moonlight in my hair
Would be more than they could handle

That the planets within my veins
Would remained unexplored
Until the day that HE comes

And gets lost within
My milky way skin
and solar system mind

Too in love with my space
That he never wants to
Come back to the ground

More alien than human
It's the only way he'll survive
That's the only kind of love
I want

The kind that's out of this world

You were long gone
Before you ever said
Goodbye
.
The least you could do
Is stay gone

When I came back
To a ghost town
I thought your phantom
would still reside
..
somehow I am far more haunted
by your absence

How do you bring me to calm
How do you still the waves
of a once ever-storming sea
How do you see through my disguise
How do you unmask me
with so much as a look
How do you know nothing about me
but everything all at once

They look at me like a pariah
And maybe they're right
Maybe that is all I'll ever be

Maybe no matter where I go
Who I was will always follow
And maybe we never change

-Maybe that is all I'll be-

When he says I love you
It tumbles clumsily off his tongue
As if it was an accident
As if he were not expecting it
When she hears it.
The butterflies turn to fireflies
Cause a flame inside her stomach
Cause her to glow from the inside out
When it is over he leaves
Apologizes for the way it all crashed around them
She never asked for his “sorry”
But accepts it anyway
She folds his apology like a love note
And slips it into her back pocket
Places it there for safekeeping
In case he ever needs it again
He ***** on worries and hesitations
She could always taste in on his lips
Despite the fact that he would never kiss her
But she never minded
Her own lips were coated in nicotine
Left her addicted to everyone they touched
She had already made a home out of his smile
Made a safe place out of his arms
She didn’t mind careful
But she did detest cowardice
There is no place for fear in love
Love was not for the faint-hearted
It was made for the bold
For those daring enough to bare their souls
Despite the evident risk
And she had made a friend of him
Love, that is
She knew his ins and outs
Learned first hand the way it caused
An insatiable fire to those prepared
And the way he brought aching pains
To the ones who were not
Experienced the way he destroyed
From the inside out
If he was not the center
He does not like to share space
Lust is his least favorite roommate
Lust is always dressing up as Love
Always borrowing things from Love
And returning them broken
Lust is an attention hog
Always finds a way to make himself the center
Lust is stubborn
It takes months to kick him out
And each time he tries to come back
But Love is always patient with him
Hopes that he will change
Sticks around to see if he does
But Love sets no expectations
Simply waits, even when it takes forever
Sometimes I think Love waits
Far longer than it should have
But love has never seen it that way
Love’s favorite game is hide and seek
His favorite place to hide is behind words
Words like “drive safe”
“I’m proud of you”
“How was your day?”
…“How did you sleep?”…
Love may love the bold
But Love himself is cryptic
Showing up in actions
Unseen by untrained eyes
That is how they became friends
Love and her
It was their nature
Hiding behind words and actions
Being bold didn’t mean never being scared
It meant doing what scared her
It meant loving with every drop of her
Even if those around her couldn’t see
Even if the ones she loved the most
Did not hear her words cutting through silence
She would not stop pouring into hands
That were never taught how to hold
Because even if they never learned
That does not mean they never could
She would never stop wearing love like a badge of honor
Even when others told her it was weakness
She didn’t know how
She never wished to learn either
Maybe that is why careful never bothered her
Because she knew not all could do it
That not everyone had that capacity to feel
To feel everything so deeply and still crave more
Not everyone could throw themselves out to sea
Believing they will not drown
It was a talent of hers – unrelenting optimism
Watching the world crash around her
Never missing a beat
And running back in to rebuild
With hopes of a better outcome
Always believing that tomorrow will be better
That this time it might be different
..
He came back; he always does.
He looks at her with storm cloud eyes
The ones that always leave her stunned
The same ones that also scare her
Holds her close the way he used to
“I’m sorry” is all he says
She pulls the note from her back pocket
Slides it between his fingers
And asks
“How did you sleep?”

Don't you dare tell her
that you ever loved her
Don't you dare teach her
that that is what love looks like

How dare you teach her
to feel so small
How dare you teach her
to swallow her words

How dare you look at her bruises
and call them friendly reminders
How dare you teach her
that love can be violent

How dare you hold her heart
like it was made of thorns
How dare you leave her
like she was the poison

How dare you treat her
like she did not spend her nights
******* the venom
out of your veins

How dare you speak of her like dust
when she was the only one bold enough to love you.

My bio professor told us

Every month
The outer layer of skin
fully replaces itself
yet months later
I still felt the sting of your touch
The next class she told us
Every seven years
Every cell has replaced itself
It took me that long
to speak of it the first time
After trauma repeats itself
I wonder if I can forget
I wonder if my bones
Will ever forget the chill

But later she told us
Every 8 years
Your skeleton
Has broken down
and replaced itself again

What a beautiful thought
That one day
Not skin, nor cell, nor bone
Will have ever known you

One down...
...Seven to go

How did I give my heart
To a silly little boy
With trembling hands
And half a heart
He wasn’t even sure
How to use
.
I mistook you for a man
...
My apologies

My darling forget your hurts
for I have forgotten mine
There are embers burning
Inside your heart
Trying to start flames
From past troubles
But my dear
My dear I know it hurts
But you have to stop
Fanning old fires
You are no longer
What you were
So let it die
Rise from the ashes
You are far stronger
Than you believe
Brush the soot
Off of your shoulders
The storm clouds behind
the blue of your eyes
have disappeared
but you have left the smoke
My darling it will clear
It will not last forever
And even if it did
You would not be
Any less than you are
Even if life is never
The way you expected
You are only stronger
Than I ever thought you were
I know right now
It is hard
So crumble if you must.
But know I will be here
Through the fires and storms
I am no stranger
to the maze you have created
for yourself
I will stand outside
Until you find your way out

Please know you will never end up alone

I am tired of waiting in the middle
Of placing my faith on either side
In both hope and inevitability
I am so tired of relinquishing power
To those who never deserved it
Tired of tying my heart to a balloon string
And auctioning it off to those with
Their heads in the clouds
And feet not planted on solid grounds
  But for you
For you I would have done it
A million times over, maybe more
And I never would have grown tired
I could have given you  every piece of me
And still have given you more
  But you were tired too
And soon grew tired of me
I was far too docile for you to love
Far too expected, never enough wild
To satisfy your pallet
Said if I was a spice, I'd be sugar
So i suppose you never had much
Of a sweet tooth anyway
I was never much good at chemistry
Never really got it but I tried
Tried to alter my molecular make up
In attempt to fix myself into
Something more bitter for you
Found I could never shrink myself
Small enough to become what you wanted
  And eventually I stopped trying
Eventually I grew tired
Tired of speaking of you
Like the last drop of water
Or last molecule of oxygen in the atmosphere
Or a planet, or my entire night sky
I grew tired of your 3 ring circus
Of you keeping me around
Like just another one of your acts
I have assumed the title of ring leader now
And you, my silly little boy
Are just a clown

You beat my words
back down my throat
Reminding me
That if anyone
Wanted to hear my voice

       They'd ask.

Trauma
.
Is the scar
That buried itself
In my bones
No one sees
.

So no one knows

Give me a word
And I will write you a novel
Give me your hand
And I will give you the world
This is not the cry
Of a desperate heart
This is the outpouring
Of the purest love
Know that whatever you give me
I will return one hundred fold
Please do not mistake this
For weakness
Please understand this
For all that it is
I will give you a love
Deeper than the oceans
Even on the days
When all you can muster
Is a raindrop
This is not desperation
This is love
This is sacrifice
This is all it means
To love with all you are

You ease my cautious soul
My dear, you do not know
How difficult this is to do
.
Bringing out the wild girl

The ache inside of me
Groans like desert for rain
like the waves for the shore
Like stars for the rest of morning
.
And it sounds so beautiful
So poetic
So perfect
An agonizing masterpiece
.
But it still aches