Looking at you is painful.
Seeing you smile at her
the way you used to smile at me
is an unspeakable torment.
Hearing you laugh at pathetic jokes
and make meaningless small talk
feels like my insides are being squeezed
in an unrelenting vice.

I bite my lower lip
to keep it from trembling.
I want to swallow my tongue;
not because I have so many things
to say to you but because
I have nothing.
There are no words.
There are no words to describe
this pain--this pain of having loved you
in the only way I know how.
Of having lost you.
Only to be here, seated before you
to watch you look at her
the way you used to look at me.
There are no words to convey
the sheer torment of crying inside,
of screaming within my skull,
of burning my heart on a spit
while appearing unaffected.

The smile is frozen on my lips,
but the lights and colors begin
to melt in a confusing mosaic
of my silent tears. "Don't.
Don't let them know how much
you're dying inside," I tell myself.
I'm running after my breath,
trying to get hold of myself.
I close my fists into tight ***** on my lap,
digging half-moons on my palm--
shaking and clammy.
I'm choking through my grin.
And you're just sitting there
without a clue.

Because there are no words.
There is nothing.
There is no you.
There is no me.
You have gone.
Along with all the words that there ever were
and there ever will be.

Kung maaari lamang sana kita'ng
   makita at makausap,
Yayakapin kita nang mahigpit at
   magpapasalamat---
Salamat sa sakripisyo,
   sa pagmamahal,
para sa iyo'ng pasensya at
   paalala'ng walang pagal.

Alam ko'ng sandali lamang
   tayo'ng nagkasama,
ngunit hanggang ngayon ang iyong
   pagiging ina'y akin pa ri'ng dama.

Marami pa sanang gusto'ng
   sabihin at iparamdam sa'yo;
Nasaan ka man, sana'y iyo
   pa ri'ng natatanto:

Kung ano ma'ng mayroon ako,
   ano ako at nasaan ako,
Aking Anghel, ay dahil at para sa'yo.

*(c) emeraldine087

It’s as if I swallowed more than I can chew.
Or sunk deeper than I can swim.
Or inhaled further than I breathe.

Fingers like a vice
Squeezing mercilessly
Cutting out the air,
the throb of the pulse,
the life.

The eyes can only stay open
For so long, as the breath drains.

It’s as if my head
Is about to explode.
Or implode.
Or maybe there won’t be
So much drama.
Just a candle’s feeble light
Getting snuffed by a sudden gust.
And that it’s over before
I’m even aware that I’m dead.

Life’s fingers can be
So cruel sometimes.
Indiscriminate in its grip.

I can’t blame suicides
When they so desire
To escape life’s hold.

I doubt if anyone can smile,
Or laugh,
Or revel
And choke at the same time.

Coffee. Desk. Ringing phone. Clacking keys.
This same pen. This same ******* pen,
that writes the same way—there is a thinning of the ink
in the curve of the E’s and the stroke of the Y’s
Endless stapling. I find myself gritting my teeth every time
as if I’m stapling my skin—or my hand. To my face.

The window behind me offers the same view
of the same skyline of the same ****** buildings!
Overcast, sunny, slight drizzle or deluge—
Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters but the rhythm of my heart
That is no different from the rhythm of my day.
I can’t even remember what happened yesterday. I just remember
The coffee. The desk. The ringing phone. The clacking keys.

At least this way, there’s no use fretting about tomorrow.
Because tomorrow—it’ll be that same pen. That same pathetic pen.

Sometimes, I want to cry. Cry for my wasted hours—days—life.
Cry for those clouds in the horizon that looked no different
from the same clouds in the same horizon yesterday.
Cry for the slowly dulling reds and greens and purples
in the canvas of this miserable life.
Howl for the Wonders of the World,
the Must Watch Movies Before You Die,
the 1001 Books You Have to Read Before You’re Dead,
that I will never get to savor.

Grays and Blacks and Whites.
So monochromatic.
So very monotonous.

                                                    ­       At least, in the few nights that I dream…
                                                          ­                                   I dream in color.

You came into my life like a blazing meteor,
     Plowing through my skies, all warmth and fire;
        You lit up the darkness that was my yesterday,
           Shattering my walls, I'd thought you planned to stay.
              But you left my orbit just as swiftly as you arrived,
                 a fleeting specter in the night, cunning & contrived
                       that left me broken to behold & hollow inside.
                       I should loathe you for abandoning me, but I cannot.
                  I should tell my heart to love you no more, but I can't stop.
              I cling to what we were and how we used to be
           that I can't seem to see how much you've damaged me.
        Because I loved you, but you just threw it all away -- easy.
    And everyday I ask myself if you had ever found me worthy
or if it had all been just a game to you, to love then leave me.

They say you can’t fix what ain’t broken;
You can’t complete what’s already whole.
You can’t covet one who is already another’s
You don’t teach compassion to one with no soul.

What need, then, do we have of love
when it may be nothing but an illusion?
Why else would you still have need of another
when separation is a foregone conclusion?

If that’s to be believed as gospel truth
then I don’t need you and never did.
But I can’t seem to convince myself,
Or keep my longing and regret firmly hid.

You can’t complete what’s already whole,
A maxim that I believe in, still.
Yet the truth is: you complete me and I need you,
And perhaps I always will.

*(c) emeraldine087

We are two tiny pinpricks,
   burning in a galaxy so vast,
without a clue as to how long
   our fires are meant to last.

You are unknown to me,
   just as I am nameless for you.
Light years apart, each with our
   unique sparkle and hue.

Yet to someone so faraway,
   looking up towards space,
We belong together, each in
   our rightful, perfect place.

*(c) emeraldine087

I will never get tired of loving you.

When the time comes that I will wake up,
tired of loving you,
I will choose to love you still:

Because you are my illness and my cure;
my insanity and my normalcy;
my wings and my gravity;
my exhaustion and my rest.

What is the essence of a woman?
Many a beauty pageant have asked.
And which, countless have tried to define
through responses better than the last.

I am not wise, bold or old enough
to pretend to know the right answer.
But with enough imagination,
this does not have to stay a puzzle.

A woman’s essence is found in you
who’s strong-willed, kind, smart, and who inspires.
And also in me, who’s persistent,
who pursues, dreams and humbly aspires.

Together, we’re what ev’ry woman
once was, still is and always shall be…
I, who strives to leave lasting marks here,
And you, who will always inspire me.

*(c) emeraldine087

Who doesn't want to trend on social media?
Everyone wants their one minute of fame,
to have their opinions heard,
their photos liked,
their travels wow-ed,
their "achievements" lauded.

The goal is to have a life that your own friends
would troll your timeline to have,
a life that others would **** and steal,
slander and maim to live one minute of--
a #perfect life.

Is there no one who wants to live
for the sake of living anymore?

I can almost see your face
   behind my eyelids when I shut my eyes,

hear your laughter
   in the deafening silence,

feel your touch, feel you breathing
   in the dead of the darkest night,

smell the scent of your cologne
   over my cup of warm coffee,

taste your lips,your skin
   in my most vivid dreams.

My need is indescribable ,
   my yearning--an unquenchable thirst.

But a shadow is all I can get
   as we haven't found each other yet.

Don't underestimate me.

Beneath my gentle eyes lies the spirit of a warrior.
Hidden in my soft smile is a battle cry.
Underneath my supple skin is an armor of celestial gold.
Enclosed in my brittle fingers is the hilt of a sword.
Within my mortal heart rests the essence of a goddess.

Let not my gentleness or fragility fool you.

For in this frail body resides the heart of a fighter;
whose spirit knows no defeat,
whose will knows no impossibility,
whose resilience knows no limit.

We are infinite
because our actions,
no matter how small,
create ripples through
eternity.

We are immortal
for we have the
heart that can love
without end.

We are invincible
because our spirit
has no constraints,
no boundaries,
no limits.

*(c) emeraldine087

I am truer than my lies,
Louder than my doubts,
Surer than my insecurities;

I am fairer than my flaws,
Heavier than my airs,
Quieter than my anxieties;

I am stronger than my failures,
Calmer than my rages,
Happier than my tears;

I am humbler than my vanities,
Wiser than my mistakes,
Bigger than my fears.

*(c) emeraldine087

They say the heart is just a muscle
that love it cannot really know;
then why do I feel mine breaking
as I am watching you go?

What we had is now lost to me
and it fills me with both regret and wonder:
Regret that I wasn't enough for you
and wonder if it's my destiny to be with another.

"There will be another," my friends all say,
"and how to love you right, they will know."
I only wish they are correct because I can't bear
another heartbreak like when I let you go.

*(c)emeraldine087

Man is flawed and limited.
He ages; he forgets; he dies.
Though imperfect, he can conceive
ideals that are far bigger than him.
Man is capable of imagining,
of profound thought, of love...

Man is a god in a mutable shell.
He creates; he alters; he kills.
Though sublime, he is constrained
by his own mortality and occasional bigotry.
Man has power to belittle,
to judge, to ridicule...

Man is such a beautiful paradox; man is a great mystery
For in his sheer deficiency resides infinity.

In one beat of his heart resonates eternity...

I won't try to change your mind
if you believe this is the end;
I won't hold you hostage, if this love
is something we can no longer mend.

I cannot bear grudges should you find
that you don't love me anymore.
I promise not to carry any illusions
that you still do, right at your core.

The nature of my love is that
I can let you go if that's what you desire;
I will try to keep myself together
to come to terms with your goodbye.

But don't ask me to say it back; I beg you
You should've known from the very start.
There's no way I can say goodbye to one
I'll always carry around in my heart.

*(c)emeraldine087

Bakit nga ba ang hirap sabihin sa'yo
Ang pilit na sinisigaw ng puso ko?
Ano ba'ng kinakatakot at iniiwasan ko?
Iniiwasan ko ba'ng magmahal at masaktan
O ang magmahal ng lubusan?
Kung iba ba ang mahal ko
Pagtingin ko pa rin kaya'y ganito?
Bakit ba kasi sa lahat ng tao'y sa'yo ko pa
Naramdaman ang ganito'ng klase ng saya?
Ang kakaibang pakiramdam
Na wala na'ng iba pa ako'ng kailangan?
Sa tinagal-tagal ng panahon na tayo'y magkakilala
Bakit kailanga'ng ngayon ko lang madama
Na sadyang hindi na sapat na kaibigan lang kita?

Kung sana kaya ko lamang ipaalam sa'yo,
Kung sana naririnig mo ang bulong ng aking puso,
Wala na sana'ng hihigit pa
Sa saya ng puso ko'ng patuloy na umaasa--
Na sa isang sulok ng panahon
Bukas, makalawa o maaaring ngayon
May katuparan ang pangarap ko
Na higit pa sa kaibigan ang maging pagtingin mo.

There are no words to describe
how much I hate you
when you hurt me.
You don't intend it;
it happens anyway.

And yet. And yet. And yet.

I love you with all that I am
even when you hurt me--
even when your darkness
attempts to engulf my light.

Because it is with you,
in you, around you,
in the darkness of the days
when I both hate and love you

That I shine.

*(c) emeraldine087

I said something explosive and scathing.
     You cringed and stepped away.
There was pain in your eyes, so haunting
     that made me want to take back what I'd said.
You bit your trembling lower lip,
     disbelieving what you'd just heard.
You wished to dismiss it as a joke, a sarcastic fib.
     I just scoffed and called you absurd.
"I meant everything," I said.
     "Whether you'd accept it or not."
I rolled my eyes and shook my head
     and turned abruptly 'round.
Your footsteps echoed from behind,
     heavy as my faintly beating heart.
It's amazing that I was able to hide
     despite my resolve, trampled and marred.
How I long to face you again, look into your eyes.
     So you can see the anguish of my spirit,
hardened and disguised by bitter lies,
     dying and shriveling bit by painful bit.
The flame of my being is scorching inside,
     throwing away all that could be, might be.
The pain is crushing; words can't describe.
     I wish you, too, can feel it; I wish you can see.

That if it was the fiercest, purest pain for you,
     it was a thousand-fold for me.

Sing me something from the heart
to calm my storms;
I will let your voice wash over me,
drowning my sorrows,
quenching my fears.

Hum a melancholy tune
to remind me how precarious life is,
how easily destroyed dreams can be.
Serenade me with songs of love--
love that lasts forever in a heart beat.

Lull me to a restful slumber
and let tomorrow take me in its arms.

Minsan na rin ako’ng nadapa sa landas na mabato.
Nagalusan ang aking mga palad at mga tuhod ay nagdugo.
Nahirapan ako’ng bumangon at maglakad nang muli.
Ngunit akin pa ri’ng pinilit nang may matapang na ngiti.

Minsan ako’ng lumuha dahil sa matinding pagkabigo.
Muntik nang naudyok na tumalikod na lang at sumuko.
Subalit nakakita ng dahilan na patuloy na maniwala
Na mas matamis ang tagumpay kung may kasawian muna.

Minsan ako’ng naligaw sa pagkadilim-dilim na kawalan.
Naubos ang tinig sa pagtawag para sa kaligtasan.
Halos masanay na ang aking mga mata sa nakapopoot na dilim
Pero nakahanap pa rin ng pag-asa upang pawiin ang pininimdim.

Marami na rin ako’ng napagdaana’ng pagsubok,
Nakapaglakbay na sa pinakailalim at sa pinakarurok,
Nalasap ang pait at tamis sa masalimuot na biyahe ng buhay.
Ang akala’y nakita ko na ang lahat sa aking paglalakbay.

Ako ay nabigla dahil ako’y lubos na nagkamali
Nang isang araw na namulat na lang nang ikaw ang katabi.
Dahil dito sa buhay ay mas marami pa pala’ng kulay at hiwaga,
Mas marubdob pala ang hatid mo’ng misteryo’t talinhaga.

Minsan ako’y umibig nang hindi ko namamalayan.
Nagalusan, nakabangon, lumuha, ngumiti, nawala’t natagpuan.
Hindi ko pa mapagtanto kung ang pag-ibig na ito’y biyaya o sumpa,
Ang tanging alam ko lang: ang bawat halik mo’y buhay ang dala.

When you had to go, I sorely regretted
    every word I didn't say,
    all the things I didn't do,
    the debt of gratitude I didn't pay.

The years have been long and trying
    and I miss you every day;
    still I don't have the answer to
    the question: "why couldn't you stay?"

When you left, I promised to achieve
    all our plans and dreams, come what may,
    and for the most part, I believe
    I've fulfilled the vow that I made.

But I always think about what things
    would've been like if you'd been here
    to guide me, spur me on,
    scold me or waylay all of my fears.

Then I realize that you are here
    in every dream I live or trial I get through
    for you taught me everything you could
    and you always said I was the best of you.
So, really, I don't have to miss you every day,
    yet I know in my heart I'll always do.

*(c) emeraldine087

There's no one who bugs me, irks me and makes me mad.
There's no one who hounds me, pesters me and irritates me.
There's no one who angers me by forgetting special occasions,
or forgetting to call,
or gets unsalted butter rather than salted at the grocers.
Only You.

There's no one who makes me roll my eyes
with his twisted philosophy, illogical excuses and faked innocence.
There's no one who makes me purse my lips in disagreement,
when he comes home from so-called overtime work,
smelling of cigarette smoke and whiskey.
There's no one who makes me bare my teeth with exasperation,
when he doesn't talk when I want him to,
when he seems to not listen when I think he needs to.
Only You.

There's no one else who knows to buy me tulips,
when he's trying to ask for my forgiveness.
There's no one else who sings "Wonderful Tonight" off-key,
when he sees me in my most tattered pajamas,
with my hair standing on end
and my cheeks and neck crawling with rashes.
There's no one who cooks a meaner chicken soup,
when I'm sick and force-feeds it to me in bed.
Only You.

There's no one who kisses me in the sweetest,
most breath-taking way in the park,
in the rain while we're jogging.
There's no one who makes me laugh
with his spot-on impression of my favorite comedian,
while watching a home video on date night,
and sharing a big bowl of buttered popcorn.
There's no one who makes love to me in such a selfless,
most gentle way, making me feel like
I'm the most loved, most special girl in the world.
Only You.

There's nobody else who makes me love him,
who makes me want to keep loving him,
in all his perfection, all his imperfection,
all the things that make him a man.
There's nobody that I am most willing
to brave all the storms with,
nobody I desire to grow old with,
and give all of my self to...
Only You.

Masakit ang magmahal,
ang maghintay ng matagal,
para sa pag-ibig na pinapangarap,
laman ng panaginip at sigaw ng hinagap.
Maalat ang bawat patak ng luha;
mahapdi ang pag-agos sa aking mukha.
Bawat araw at gabi'y nag-aabang
na may pag-ibig mo'ng sambitin ang aking pangalan.
Ako'y isang bihag ng bulag na pag-asa.
Ang ibigin ka'y 'di ko naman sinasadya.
Ngunit ang sakit at ang kalunasan
ng aking paghihirap ay sa'yo lamang matatagpuan.

Oo, masakit ang magmahal, mapait ang umibig
sa isang tao'ng hindi kayang ibalik
ang aking pagsinta. Ngunit sa aking pagluha,
naninimdim, nadudurog at nag-iisa,
paulit-ulit pa rin na pipiliin na mahalin ka.

She walks through the noisy street
every day of the hot summer months.
She sees colorful kites flying overhead,
over the tops of roofs, coconut trees,
over the clotheslines, garbed in undergarments,
tattered shirts and poorly-sewn trousers.
She waits for playmates to come and
ask her to play tag, to waddle in the canals,
***** and smelly. The scent sticks even after
a week of being scrubbed and hosed down.

She climbs mango trees, steals the fruits and
with a mischievous smile, throws them
to her favorite playmate, waiting under the tree.
She loves long talks with her favorite playmate.
Sometimes, they would go to the park,
loiter around and walk hand in hand, just talking.
And sometimes, they like to play tag until dusk.
She adores this special playmate and considers him
her best friend in the whole, wide world.
She always looks forward to just sitting around
with him while he shows her cool card tricks,
holds her close, makes her feel like a princess--
his special, beloved and worshiped princess
Her world slows down; her mind falls silent;
her heart calms in his presence as he
shows her the universe, the simple things
city life denied her, the comforting silence
her buzzing soul is just coming to know.

She admires her beloved playmate, who, for her,
is the wisest, the cleverest spirit on the planet,
who shows her that it's possible to remain
a child forever, to keep the heart
of a young soul for all eternity, to see
the world in verses and poems, in stories and songs.
She weaves wonderful tales with her precious playmate,
stories full of fantasy and love, brimming with glory
and success, abound with heroism and dreams.

They will always be together, she and her playmate,
she vows. through summers and storms, through months
and years, through pain and pleasure, they will be together.
The summer later vanishes; the skyscrapers have become
too tall for kites to reach, the host of cars too noisy
to hear her playmates call. The world is just too fast
to remain a child forever. But there is one special
part of summer, one call she would always hear
above the din of cars and the loud ticking of clocks.
Her favorite playmate calls from the depths of her soul,
reminding her that she could always choose to be
a child forever, a child in her mind, in her spirit, in her heart.

Windswept.

The night is alive
with tears from the sky.

The night is dead;
the dagger of light pierced it. Killed it.

The tears mingled on my cheeks:
that of the night. And mine.
They tasted salty. And bitter.

The rain shower clothed me.
Made me whole.
Pilfered pieces of my soul.

The howling winds disrobed me.
Left me naked. And empty.
Yearning, always searching.

You weren't here. But I wish you were.
You were comfortable in your blankets.
In the warmth of your bed,
cuddled in someone else's embrace.

As the rain poured.
Made me empty. Made me whole.

Perhaps unrequited love
    is so much better than this--
This love behind bolted doors
    and peppered with midnight trysts.
Drunk with these stolen moments,
    you will never know my pain.
I’m just your ***** secret;
    Maybe I’ve no other name.

Nagsisimula na namang lumamig
   ang dampi ng hangin sa aking pisngi,
Parating na ang panahon ng Kapaskuhan
   na taun-taong ating hinihintay at tinatangi.

Palagi ko’ng hinihintay ang Disyembre
   para sa kasiyahang dala ng Pasko,
Ngunit sa isang banda ri’y
   pinangangambahan ko ito.

Dahil tuwing Pasko ay may kakambal na lungkot din
   ako’ng nadarama sapagkat naiisip kita,
At natatandaan ko pa ang mga huling sinabi natin
   sa isa’t isa nang huli tayong magkita.

Pinaghaharian tayo ng poot at panunumbat noon
   kaya’t nabalot ng pait ang ating mga salita;
hindi natin napagtanto na minsan isang kahapon
   marubdob nati’ng minahal ang isa’t isa.

At hindi ko mapagtanto kung bakit
   tuwing magpa-Pasko, ito ang aking naaalala—
Marahil sa aking kaluluwa’y may panghihinayang pa rin
   na ang malamig na hangin ang siyang nagpupunla.

*(c) emeraldine087

There will always be things I never did that I should have.
Words I never said, smiles I never gave,
Thanks I never uttered.
There will always be love I never made you feel
That I should have, everyday of your life.
There will always be lessons I never learned,
Forgiveness I never asked for, truth I never showed.
There will always be time I wish I could take back,
Days I wish I could live again,
Moments I hope no one else has to go through.
There will always be hurt I never wanted to feel,
Pain I regretted having experienced,
Sorrow I never even had to go through
If only I was smart enough,
Brave enough.
If only fate was fair enough.

Life is cruel.
Life is a sadistic jester.
That it’s only now that I begin to realize
The things I should have done,
The words I should have said,
The emotions I should have made you feel,
When you’re no longer here.

In our fast-paced world, many things have become easier:
   communication, information, food preparation, even study.
We have the internet, smart phones, tablets, emails,
   Google, Wikipedia, fast food, and instant coffee.

But have we ever stopped to observe just how
   things being easy make them seem more trivial, too?
For the things we’re after, we no longer know
   how to sweat, sacrifice, aspire, wait, persist, endure…

Maybe it’s made us cease to dream as well
   as everything is merely ****** upon us to take.
We have lost the values that only hard work, toiling
   and fighting through insurmountable odds can make.

And even then we never seem to have enough of what we desire,
   not enough sleep, time, knowledge, money, or power;
We find no contentment in what we already possess
   as our seconds, minutes and days are spent wanting more.

Perhaps we need to re-examine where we’re heading,
   take instruction from the numerous generations past.
That it is only that which we strive for, that which we cherish
   with all our hearts and everything we have, that can last.

*(c) emeraldine087

what is this before us
          --this sick and twisted thing
          where I'm in love with you
          but you're in love with him?

i just can't let it go,
          this feeling that I have;
          so I do something dumb
          and seek the one you love.

but as fate would have it,
          now he's in love with me;
          thus, we find ourselves here
          in this affair for three.

I can still remember the day
   you first spoke my name.
Like a prayer, like a wish,
   you whispered, you called.
I can still remember the first
   time you smiled at me.
Never, before you, have I been
   breathless. Never before
have I been frozen in one minute
   of eternity , deep in your eyes.
I can still imagine the way you
   used to kiss me. For a heartbeat,
I was someone; I was needed; I was
   blessed. For a long time, I lived
by your kisses, existed by your touch,
   carried on by your embrace.
I had never known bliss until you
   chanced upon me and fished me
out of the choppy seas. You loved
   me, simply as I loved you back.
And we once thought we were invincible
   in each other's arms. We were immortal
because of each other's love. Not even death
   could separate us. But we came
upon the end of the wonderful journey. It
   wasn't death that made us see.


It was choice.