"Guess I'll just **** myself!" I hear from the end of the row.
"Do you need help? And please don't make comments like that," I remind her.
"But you know I'm just kidding."
And she looks up, only 15, but so sure of herself
and a million responses fly through my head
I want to yell -- but you did attempt it
and you have talked about it
and we've all been told to keep an eye on you
in case things get bad again
and you don't know who else in this room
has those same thoughts
but is not kidding
and whose parents, therapists, pastors we've met with
to plan, to encourage, to comfort, to pray
and how many conferences, classes, seminars, webinars
I've had poured into me
training me the signs, the signals
digital, verbal, body language, marks on your skin
and you don't know that my worst fear
is getting that email, phone call
early in the morning
that my roster has one less
that you won't be here anymore
and that maybe we could've prevented this
and you don't know that whenever you say that
I remember him
and how my 16th birthday will forever be marred
because he is in every picture
but he took his own life not 5 years later
and you don't know that I picture
sitting in my dorm room
getting out the medicine
adding it up
and I've spent so long running from those thoughts
But instead of arguing with this headstrong girl
I redirect,
check her work,
and we move along.
from
your teacher, your therapist, your pseudo-parent