Mama

Surrounded by water, I hold my breath.
Purposefully I sink to the bottom of this place.
My body is still, and my arms crossed like an X over my chest.

I open my eyes and see the blurry light hitting the surface.
Still, I hold my breath.
Every brush of water feels like ribbons against my skin.
But I need to come up.

I gasp for air as I breach the surface.
I walk out of the water as if I were alike royalty, coming up to my throne.
Every speck of air feels like a calming winter mist against my skin.
I stare ahead to the trees.

As I walk through the tall trees,
Barefoot to feel the earth in between my toes,
I feel a sense of welcome and acceptance.
Though they tower over me, you’ve taught them tolerance for my kind.

The dirt I walk upon embraces my feet’s rough exterior.
I stand tall and elongated, rooting myself into the forest ground.
I am rooted, and grow to love you.
Amongst your other children of beauty, you have received me.
And, I need you. Everyday.

Mama

He wasn’t fat and jolly.
He was muscular and calm.
He didn’t have a white, fluffy beard or a bright red suit.
Instead, he had a goatee with little white straglers,
And instead of the thick, red and white coat and hat,
He wore blue pajama pants and an old white t-shirt.

From my room, I heard rustling sounds, sounds similar to paper crumbling.
I heard feet, trying to tip-toe across the living room.
I heard kind voices.
It had to be him! It just had to!
I jumped out of bed to meet him with excitement.
My six year old self felt the need to give into my childish curiousity.
Quiet as a mouse, I stepped lightly to my hiding spot.
Did I want to meet him? Am I ready?

Hiding behind the hallway entrance, I peeked over the doorway.
There he was! Santa Claus!
I had laid my eyes on Santa Claus, just as I believed I would.

Instead of rushing out to greet him,
I chose to stay hidden.
Santa was wrapping mine and my brother’s Christmas presents.
My eyes saw him roll out sheets of wrapping paper – as shiny as sleek gold.
He placed pretty, ruby red bows on each of our gifts – each so ornate in their own natures.

Santa was such a giving man…
That’s why I’d make sure he’d get his favorite cookies!
I was told by my father that chocolate chip cookies were Santa’s favorite.
Santa gently placed each of our presents under the tree with ease.
At that moment, he stood up, looking at our tree, focusing on our star at the top.
He was smiling.
He stared at it for a good minute, like a man who had found serenity.

I had been thrilled to see my gifts…
The idea of opening them overran my heart with so much giddy excitement.
Yet, Santa was happy with giving me gifts.
Who gives Santa gifts?

A second voice came from the kitchen.
It was my mother’s!
“Don’t forget to eat the cookies!”
Mom knows Santa?
Confusion filled my little head.

I could not fathom the truth.
Then it hit me!
My dad is Santa Claus!
His signature changes for just one night!
And his favorite cookie is chocolate chip too!!
AND he knows exactly what I want for Christmas!

Without making a sound, I tip-toed back to my bed.
I closed my eyes, and smiled.
My dad is Santa Claus.


I had known Santa my whole life.
He may not have been Santa to the whole planet,
But he was my Santa.
Dad always showed our family the magic of Christmas,
And as all of us got older… toys grew to be of less importance in my desires.
I eventually desired electronics and nicer clothes.
But as I grew up… all I’d want for Christmas was for him to stick around for another Christmas.
As every year passed, he grew more tired and weak,
But he never stopped giving.
He was also Santa to numerous individuals.
Giving is a lifestyle, and that was his.
My dad was my Santa Claus.
Santa in the true sense,
Spreading the love of giving to others till his last day.

You fed me lies, while I swallowed every syllable.
You gave me your bittersweet words of false hope to chew on,
And I willingly devoured them at each sitting.

Now I lay here staring at the letters you once wrote me,
Seeing now that I was blinded.
With each progressing sentence,
You made a fool of me.
And now all I crave to do,
Is watch each word burn in raged flames.

Yet, I'm still hungry.

- (c.w.)

Where has the time gone?
Wasn't it just yesterday that we were silly kids,
running around and cracking jokes at each other?
No. It was yesterday that you drew your last breath.
Alas, you were taken from this earth so young.
Death came like a thief in the night.

Your body lay lifeless alongside the road.
My dear old friend,
there is nothing I feel but sorrow when I think of it.
Sometimes life just isn't fair.
Farewell, and be with God.
Breathe eternal.

I gave you my all for years and you gladly stomped on my masterpiece.
You went from soulmate to stranger in the blink of an eye.
You gave me your most sincere gift this Christmas, wrapped up in pretty bows made of lies and deceit.
You wanted to make out as the good guy, but I'm no fool.
Truth always floats to the surface
and you sir went from ****** to **** in 2.0 seconds.
I saw through your facade and could see the guilt in your eyes,
You self-absorbed, selfish boy.
I gave you years and you give me cowardly copouts full of *******.
You couldn't look into my eyes and tell me the truth like I deserved.
Where was your honor during this festive moment in time?
You are the bad guy.
You call yourself a man, but you live life like a spoiled, little boy.
Did you really think I wouldn't find out?
Did you really think I didn't know you like the back of my hand?
Loving you was like second nature, and now when I think of you, I throw up a little in my mouth.
I hope you find your manhood in the bitter warmth of her thighs.
Good riddance and good bye.
You ****** the life out of me for the last time.
Thanks for your Christmas present ****.
Freedom from your wicked lies.

Night creeps along like a thief in the night,
Stealing every last penny from my saved-up dreams.
Self destructive tendencies that lurk deep within me.
I've been suppressing them so long and I couldn't hold them back any longer.
They come out kicking and screaming.
They have my inner child hiding beneath the dining room table, waiting out the night, waiting for the storm to roll over.
But it doesn't end there, it's just the beginning.
Now that it's unleashed who knows when I'll diminish
Into this abyss of my soul, eyes wide open, feeling every inch of bittersweet rage ******* inside me.
All I wanna do is rest my eyes and feel the peace of the dark night, but they won't let me.
Instead, they take a piece of me with them after their finished, and I'm left here more empty than the night before, on the floor, gasping to breathe the oxygen that I'm so blessed with to endure.
What do I feel right now?
What does this tired heart desire?
Have you ever longed to pour your heart out to someone, but instead you remain silent behind a smile?
I give you a hug, I shake your hand...
But behind these eyes there's that fear of self-loathing pain is ingniting, and as our fingers touch, I tell myself to run away, but we interlock and there's no way I will ever get far enough away from you to forget your face.
How could you do this to me?

Spewed out were my wholesome words full of
meaning and frantic need.

Once released to the universe, they were empty.

And the purposeful conversation became insignificant,
receiving no reassurance.

To walk away on Christmas.
I've never felt winter's breeze graze my cheek so sharply.
My heart grows cold as this prolonged night goes on.
I'm frozen.

Four years of my life,
Lost at sea.
Though my heart breaks into falling snowflakes
You had to be free of me.
There was no place left for me in your occupied heart.
This frostbite will sting, until I feel no more.

What warmth that was left in my core has been stolen by this cursed evening.
And as the tears fall from my face onto the desolate ground,
I stand there frozen.
Lost. At a loss.
I can't breathe.
Every breath is like a gasp for air.

The void in my heart fills with gaping streams of sorrow-filled, silent screams.
And all I can see is utter darkness.

They say no one knows you like you know yourself.
When all I hear is the sound of the light bulb above me whirring with energy
And all I feel is the empty silence within my mind, which surrounds me,
The true version of you creeps up from behind the secret doorway.

Loneliness burns my skin and sorrow pours overflowing out of my soul.
I could smell the fresh scent of burnt flesh.
I could see the invisible tears splashing onto the floor.
I could hear my silent screams being shouted into nonexistence.
But he keeps me from letting my blood spill, and traps it inside to keep the flow going like a rushed river trying to race to leap off of a waterfall.
Into the unknown.
Into the abyss.
I taste the bitterness of my solitude and craze.

I do not quite understand why…
Why he insists on grabbing my arm and pulling me into oblivion.
Explosions go off around me and I just stand still.
Like shackles, I’m kept locked into the ground.
My feet won’t move from this very spot
Because I’m afraid that now, I see him around me.

He acts like my friend, but leaves me feeling all the more alone than the previous time before this one.
Each time bringing a newer sense of where I’ve been before.
Loneliness reminds me to instill that thought that I have lost it all.
He makes me empty promises of future adventures then leaves me on the floor.
Loneliness, you’re intoxicating because I know you like the back of my hand.
You make me think you know me better than I know myself…