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Oct 18 · 161
I still
Christina L Oct 18
i still talk about you like im coming home to you
i still act like ill see you later
i still mention your name in all my conversations
i still think about you in everything i do

i still wish you were my boyfriend
Oct 18 · 76
Untitled
Christina L Oct 18
what if we tried again?
what if we started over?
what if we got coffee and introduced ourselves all over again?
would you find me attractive? would you think i was beautiful? would you feel your heart skip beats like you said you did before?
would i be funny? would you laugh at my stories?
would you be nervous? would you shift in your seat and pick at your nails, squirming when we made eye contact?
would i be enough? would you leave thinking you'd want to see me again? or would you say that was nice, and move on?
what if we stayed friends? what if we hung out a lot, studied together, did stupid **** together?
what if it was like it was before without any titles?
would you fall back in love with me?
would you watch me when I laughed, turn back to look at me when I left?
what if while we're friends you find someone new?
what if she hates me?
what if she wants me out of your life?
would you leave?
would i be alone?
what if you fall in love with me and I've moved on? what if we're in a cycle of missed opportunities all because I ****** it up the first time?
these what ifs are killing me and i know maybe they might be killing you too.
I can't tell if you're thinking about me,
you've always remained a bit of a mystery to me.
I'm going to **** my brain thinking about the what if's that I can't control.
what if
what if
what if



what if i still love you and I'm never going to get to hold you again?
Dec 2017 · 485
Then and Now
Christina L Dec 2017
You were hungry for me,
The sweet taste of skin and love.
You were searching for me,
Grasping me tight when you found me.
You were begging for me,
Don’t go, you pleaded, my heart is yours.

So what happened?

For now, my skin is dry without your love to cleanse it,
My body is crumpled on the floor,
Used and now forgotten.
And now you say,
Don’t go... but I won’t beg for you to stay.
Dec 2016 · 365
Goodbyes
Christina L Dec 2016
Your tears on my neck
my sobs on yours
your sniffle and gasp for air
my shaky hands and gripping arms
your hand holding onto mine
not letting me go
and then pulling me for another hug
another kiss
Just one more
and then another
if we keep this up
I won't have to say goodbye.
Aug 2016 · 660
She looks at him
Christina L Aug 2016
like he's an angel,
a majestic being who's flown down from the sky
to bring promises and good news.

She looks at him
with love in her eyes,
she can't take them off of him
because she's so in love with him.

She looks at him
begging to be noticed, to be loved, to be seen.
She looks at him,
but his eyes are on something else.
Aug 2016 · 377
Feeling Wonderful Things
Christina L Aug 2016
The tingles his fingers send when they cross along my skin,
the feeling of relaxation when his fingers are in my hair,
the feeling of my stomach in my throat when he just looks at me
with those "I think I love you" eyes.

He makes me feel everything wonderful in just the second where he winks at me.
He makes me wonder if all the heartbreak, all the tears in my pillows, all the loneliness, the hurt...
maybe it was all worth it.
Aug 2016 · 382
Have I Mentioned
Christina L Aug 2016
Have I mentioned I love you?
I know I did 5 seconds ago,
but I wanted to make sure.
Because I say it all the time in my head,
whenever I'm looking at you,
whenever you do something silly or dumb,
whenever you grin or smirk,
all I can think about in my head is
I love you.

Have I mentioned I miss you?
I know I've probably said it 20 times today
in a little green bubble on my phone,
but it pops in my head with everything that happens.
I'll be sitting in the car and something will remind me that
I miss you,
or I'll be laughing a joke someone told and it'll remind that
I miss you,
or I'll just be looking at old photos and videos and it'll remind me that
I miss you.

Have I mentioned I need you?
I don't know if I tell you enough,
because every moment of my day is spent thinking about you.
If you walk away,
you can walk away with my heart,
if you find someone better,
give them my heart so you don't have to get hurt,
my heart is broken anyways,
but you've been fixing it since you got here.
Knowing that,
reminds me all the time that
I need you.

Have I mentioned I love you?
Because I really do and I want to make sure you know that.
I love you despite the ups and downs,
I love you despite the distance,
I love you despite all the other boys in the universe.
I love you.
Jul 2016 · 399
I'm Daydreaming
Christina L Jul 2016
Can we watch the sunset from your house? Just from your backyard or even from your bedroom window.
I just want to see the two greatest things in my world together at the same time...

If not the sunset, I'll wake up for the sunrise while you sleep. It wouldn't be the first time.
I slip out from under the covers and smile as the room fills with colours...
The most beautiful colours
And all I can think about you and the feeling of waking up next to you.

If not the sunrise,
If not the sunset,
I'll settle for just looking at you while you drive,
While you work,
While you just sit there.
It doesn't matter what else I'm looking at..
If you're there,
It's the most perfect place ever.
Jul 2016 · 485
Time
Christina L Jul 2016
Time is a manmade invention,
used for organization and unification.
That's what they told me,
and I never understood.
How could something so habitual for me,
something so common
be manmade?
How could 60 seconds in a minute
not just be a fact of the universe
but instead,
be some outcome of a calculation
of some dead man's outburst?
But that's what they told me
and even if I didn't understand it,
I took the fact like it was true
like it was understood.

Now you come walking along,
and every minute,
every 60 seconds that passes while you're around,
feels like 1.
A whole day spent with you
feels like nothing at all
and instead of feeling full of you
I feel emptier than when we began.

So maybe time is a manmade invention,
maybe although we can count it,
it's manmade because it doesn't have to feel so factual
all the time.
Because when I'm with you,
every moment passes at the speed of light
but when I'm without you,
it's like time has stopped
and forgotten how to go.
Jul 2016 · 404
Untitled
Christina L Jul 2016
For something that's supposed to be the greatest thing in the world,
love sure hurts like a *****.
Jul 2016 · 315
Rambling About Him
Christina L Jul 2016
He likes to keep his radio on the country music station
because he's from the country and the songs remind him of home.
He likes to have his hair played with but doesn't like it too long
because then it's a hassle to take care of and doesn't take 2 seconds to dry after his morning showers.
He likes to be the little spoon just as much as he likes to be the big spoon,
because it makes him feel like he's giving love while also getting it.
He acts all scary when on the road or when walking somewhere,
but I know it's only because he's blocked out the idea of getting hurt
and it's much easier to not get hurt when people are scared of you.
He likes the feeling of his feet gliding on ice,
he likes the wind in his face while driving his boat
he likes the colours that paint the sky for sunsets
and the smell of apple and cinnamon.
Strawberry rhubarb pies are his favourite
but only ones that are made by his grandmother.
And when you ask him about her,
his eyes will light up and he'll look away as he talks in a happy tone
as he remembers her hugs, her home, her voice.
He loves his studies because it's also his passion
and sometimes you might feel like he loves it more than you...
okay, maybe more than sometimes.
More than sometimes, you'll feel like he's more interested in leaving a mark in history than in going out for a dinner date with you.
More than sometimes, you'll get a text from him saying he'll be late because he's working or that you have a limited time to talk to him.
But as hard as it is to, try not to dwell on it.
Because don't forget,
more than sometimes, he'll drive hours to come see you.
More than sometimes, he'll show you how vulnerable he can be around people he loves
and more than sometimes,
he'll remind you over and over again how much he misses you
how much he misses your smile and your hugs
your kisses and your giggles.
How much you mean to him.
God, you could talk to him for hours and hours and never run out of things to talk about.
You could stare at him with a smile on your face and always find something new to love.


I should know...
I wouldn't change any part of him for anything in the universe.
I'm in love...it's a problem.
Jul 2016 · 339
Untitled
Christina L Jul 2016
It's 3 in the morning and my feet are cold.
They've managed to slip out from under the blankets and so my first instinct is to turn and hold you,
using you for mutual warmth.
But I turn and you're not there.

It's 6 in the morning and I wake up with tears rolling down my cheeks.
You've found some new girl and decided to leave- no, it was just a dream, and so my first instinct is to turn and hold you, reminding myself that you are still with me.
But I turn and you're not there.

It's 7 in the morning and my alarm goes off, my eyes blinking open.
I yawn and my first instinct is to turn and hold you, kiss your cheek and say good morning, expecting a mumble in response.
But I turn and you're not there.

You're my first instinct,
every moment of the day, I think about you,
every hour of the day, I wish to be with you.
I'll always want to turn over and see you lying next to me
But I know sometimes you can't be...
Long distance is hard...
Christina L Jun 2016
***** you.
Do you know what a great guy he is?
Do you understand what you could've had?
He's smart
He's funny
He's sweet
He can break a hockey stick on ice and with the same hand,
write you a poem that will put your broken heart back together again.
So ***** you.
***** you for hurting him,
***** you for pushing him aside when I know he gave you everything.


But also,
thank you.
Thank you for giving him to me broken,
because now maybe I can fix him better than he was before,
like he's doing with me.
Thank you for teaching him what rejection feels like
so maybe he'll cling a little harder to me.
Thank you for all your fake smiles
and your texts that just led him on,
thank you
for being so **** stupid you lost him.
Because I found him
and I don't plan on being as stupid as you.
Jun 2016 · 359
You
Christina L Jun 2016
You
I wish I could hate you,
you and your handsome grin
you and your hand running through your hair
you and your laugh, your touch, your love.
I wish I could hate it all.

Maybe then I wouldn't miss you,
you and your handsome grin
you and your hand running through your hair
you and your laugh, your touch, your love.
I wish it didn't feel so empty without you.

But you,
you with the handsome grin
you with your hand running through your hair
you and your laugh, your touch, your love.
I can't stop craving it,
I can't stop craving you.
Christina L Jun 2016
But I miss you so much, I'd do anything to see you.
Maybe you don't feel the same
But I love you so much, I take every chance I can to talk to you.
Maybe you don't feel the same
But my hands write only for you
But my eyes only fall on you
But my heart only beats for you

I guess it only breaks for you too.
Jun 2016 · 253
Would You
Christina L Jun 2016
I like to wonder what would happen if we had met in different situations
If you had passed me on the road,
would you have thought I was beautiful?
Would you have smiled back at me when I caught your eye?
If your friend had a bigger crush on me than he did,
would you have asked for him to back off?
Would you have fought for my attention?
If you had seen me in one of your classes,
hair pulled into a pony tail,
eyes crinkled into a smile
would you have wondered about my name?
Would you have talked to me?

I like to dream about all these situations
and in each one of them
we just fall in love all over again.
Jun 2016 · 687
The Fine Line
Christina L Jun 2016
What's the line between clingy and in love?
Because I want to tell him how I'm always thinking about him
how he's always on my mind
and there's not a moment when I don't see something that reminds me of him
But is that clingy?
Or is that just love?
I want to text him every moment of every day
I crave conversation from him
to be near him
to hold his hand
to see him smile.
But is that clingy?
Or is that just love?
Maybe it's clingy if he doesn't feel the same way
Maybe it's love if he does.
How can I know?
Does he think of me in the way I think of him?
Does he wish to see my name on his screen?
Does his hand feel empty without mine?
Does he go through our memories and smile at the way I looked?
Does he?
Jun 2016 · 509
I Knew
Christina L Jun 2016
I knew from the moment you had your arms around me
that they were meant to be there.
I knew from the moment I heard you singing along to the radio
that that was a voice I wanted to hear wishing me a good morning
I knew from the moment I saw your eyes light up as you laughed
that I never wanted to fall in love with another pair ever again.

I knew from the moment I fell in love
that it would be impossible for me to fall out of love with you.
Jun 2016 · 288
Untitled
Christina L Jun 2016
It's the way that he furrows his eyebrows
It's the way he chews on his lip
It's the way he pushes back his hair
and the way my hand is when he's holding it.
It's the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs
It's the way he pouts when I tease him
It's the way he pushes up his glasses
and it's the way that he makes me put my heart out on a limb.
Jun 2016 · 612
Letter to You
Christina L Jun 2016
Hey,

If you're reading this...
Know that I'm having difficulty trying to put my words together, and that normally never happens when I write.
Know that my mind is torn between being upset and being in love,
and that normally never happens when I think of you.
Know that every thought in my head right now is about you and what scares me is that I don't know if it's the same for you.

If you're reading this...
Know that there's nothing normal about how I feel about you.
My heart skips beats and my my mind races,
My cheeks hurt with each smile and every laugh from you is forced out of me because I can't keep it hidden.

If you're reading this...
Know that I love you.
And I know you do, but I still
hope,
wish,
and pray
that you feel the same.

Forever Yours.
Jun 2016 · 299
Untitled
Christina L Jun 2016
I get it now
I understand
I know what they meant by their cheeks hurting and their stomach twisting.
I know what they meant by longing to be with him, just for one more minute
and another
and another.
I get it now
I understand
I know why they always look longingly at their phones, awaiting another text
I know why they sigh deeply just by looking at his photos
going through
one by one.
I get it now
I understand
I know what it's like to be in love
and to fall in love
over and over again
every day.
Jun 2016 · 439
Untitled
Christina L Jun 2016
Hello

you don't know me
but I'm the ******* the other end of his phone.
The one nervously waiting for him to text me that he's back home
saying that he had a good time but was glad to be in bed.
I'm the one who holds him when he has a bad day
the one who reassures him that I'll always love him
the one who fell head over heels for him
for his weird quirky dorky nerdy self.
That's me.
Please don't take him away from me,

please.

Signed,
Me
Jun 2016 · 405
Dear Self
Christina L Jun 2016
Please don't worry about him,
he'll be fine.
He's gonna go and have fun and he'll be safe, I promise.
He's not gonna go off and see someone else,
he's not planning to cheat on you
he's not gonna let alcohol and some girl
take away what you two have.
Please don't worry
I know it's hard but you've got to accept it.
Nothing you do,
whether it's countless hours spent worrying
or nervously asking him if he still loves you,
none of it would change anything.
Just because you worry,
just because you ask,
if he is a cheater,
he's going to cheat, regardless of what you do.
So be happy.
Please be happy and please don't worry.
Smile and know that he's thinking about you every now and then,
smile and know that he's also wishing your lips were together,
that you were side by side with your hands linked.
He knows you love him
now it's just time you know that
he loves you too.
Jun 2016 · 241
Door in the Wall
Christina L Jun 2016
He asked her why she had walls built up
She told him because people always broke her heart.
He asked her if maybe
just maybe
he could build a door in her walls
She said yes and he smiled
but she wondered if he would build the door
just so he could have one foot out of it the whole time.
May 2016 · 250
Untitled
Christina L May 2016
There has yet to be a time when I'm not reminded of you
when I'm not thinking of you
when I'm not wishing I was with you.
There has yet to be a time when I've regretted being with you
when I've wished for a different scenario
when I've wanted something else.
There has yet to be a time when I could say,
I didn't love you.
Because every moment of every day
I see things that are you
that make me think of you
that make me feel like something's missing beside me.
Every moment of every day
I love being able to know I'm yours
and you are mine.
Every moment of every day
I fall in love with you more and more.
There has yet to be a moment when you mean the world to me
because every day,
you become my world over and over again.
May 2016 · 828
Dear Girls
Christina L May 2016
Be loud and be proud
be quiet and keep to yourself
be upfront and demanding
be reserved and stay together
be beautiful and pretty
be hot and ****
be dainty and quaint
and rock the **** world.

Be you.
Be whoever you are comfortable being.

Don't let them tell you to shut up
don't let them tell you to talk more
don't let them tell you you're a *****
or that you're too nice.
Don't let them tell you you can't be beautiful, pretty, hot and **** **** all at once
because you know what?
You are.
Don't let them tell you to be rougher
don't let them tell you to be ladylike.

You are mother-effing lady
and you get to decide what that means.
To anyone who is a girl - don't let them tell you you aren't because you don't meet some standard.
May 2016 · 296
I Fell
Christina L May 2016
I didn't know
that falling in love hurt so I
fell
      fell
            fell
                  fell
faster than one could blink.
May 2016 · 341
Untitled
Christina L May 2016
My cheeks always hurt after talking to you
because I can't look at you without my lips stretching into a smile.
My lips always ache after video chatting with you
because I hate knowing that my lips can't touch yours for another few days.
My heart always drops after you get into your car
because I know you've got to go.

**Love Hurts
May 2016 · 508
In Love
Christina L May 2016
My eyes set on him
and I could tell I was in love.
His eyes set on her
and I could tell he was in love too.
May 2016 · 247
Untitled
Christina L May 2016
Every time I say I love you
you never hesitate to say it back.
You take everything that I say
and believe it.
You asked me not to leave
and I promised I wouldn't
because I won't
and you believed me.
Just like that.
But whenever you promise to love me,
to stay with me,
to cherish each **** second with me,
I can't help but wonder
if that promise is just filled with hollow words.
Why can't I believe you
the way you believe me?




Because what if the moment I accept it
you finally break it?
May 2016 · 300
Untitled
Christina L May 2016
Someone tell him
Tell him quick
Tell him he's got to stop being so amazing
Because I'm
Falling
             Falling Hard

                           Falling Fast

                                         It's terrifying really...
May 2016 · 486
Untitled
Christina L May 2016
It's like going down a rollercoaster,
the wind in your face,
the adrenaline pumping through your veins
as you go through the fast thrills of drops and loops.
It's like your foot falling asleep,
tingles and ****** at every inch of your skin,
the fear of it hurting
preventing from moving too fast.
It's like standing on a hill
on a warm sunny day,
arms spread out wide
as you feel the light cuddle your face.
It's beautiful.
It's wonderful.
It's....


**Love.
May 2016 · 297
I Could...
Christina L May 2016
I could look at you for hours and not find anything wrong.
I could hear you talk passionately for days and still beg for more.
I could run my fingers through your hair over and over again and I would still crave it when I had to pull away.
I could love you more and more every single second of every single day.


I could.


No...


I will.
written with a heart torn from yours
May 2016 · 523
Can I Take Your Picture
Christina L May 2016
as you stand in front of sunsets
that have such brilliant colours knit in them?
Can I take your picture
at the moment when we met,
the snow gliding on the air to land perfectly on your face?
Can I take your picture
and place it all over my walls
so that everywhere I look,
I see the smile that warms my heart fully?
Can I take your picture
so that I can reminisce
and relive every happy moment we've had together?
Can I take your picture
so I can look at it and wonder
what could I have done better?
What could I have done that would've made you stay?
What could I have done
so that you would be asking me
*'can I take your picture'?
May 2016 · 660
Why
Christina L May 2016
Why
Why is it so common,
in social media,
in movies,
in shows,
in gossip that circles students' minds,
that the act of cheating is so frequent?
Why can't people stay loyal anymore?
Why do I have to fear the idea of some girl
making you feel the way we felt
at the beginning of this?
Why doesn't "I love you"
actually mean "I love you"?
Why does it sometimes mean
I like you
but in the moments that I don't
in the midst of arguments and raised voices
I like someone else too.
May 2016 · 174
Untitled
Christina L May 2016
If I could, I'd fly far from here
I'd sail across the ocean
without shedding a tear.
The happiness would be like a potion,
a smile would be embedded on my face,
and my life would finally be in motion.
May 2016 · 192
Untitled
Christina L May 2016
It's the smile that stretches across my face when I see you looking at me
it's the sudden feeling of shyness mixed with comfort when I'm around you
it's the never ending talks about our future
it's the shared giggles and laughs.
It's the good times and the great times...
but it's also the bad.
It's the emptiness when I don't wake up next to you
it's the panic and overreactions when I think about you and another girl
it's the quiet and worried tones when we talk about what if...what if we didn't work
it's the clenched jaws of jealousy and the frustrated groans
it's the worry that...maybe I just fell in love too fast.
Love isn't the good without the bad,
love is the introduction to something so great, that when it's just a little bit off, it feels bad.
May 2016 · 206
Blinking
Christina L May 2016
I blinked and suddenly you were standing in front of me, a huge smile on your face.
I blinked and realized that your smile always made my heart skip a beat and I was longing to be with you.
I blinked and suddenly, you were asking to be mine.
I blinked and lost my heart in a few moments when I realized I was falling in love with you.
Each of these moments happened so fast and yet, my memory of them is so detailed.
But what happens if I blink...
and you're suddenly gone?
May 2016 · 187
Define Love...
Christina L May 2016
It's the sparkle in her eyes when she looks at him,
it's the way her arms tighten around him in a hug,
it's the long video and phone calls,
it's the heavy feeling in her heart when he's not there,
and it's the smile stretched across her face when he is.

— The End —