Im scarred for what iv done, and put to the extreme, "only god can judge me" they say.  Well I judge me, while god stares down shaking his head wondering what a **** up iv become. *** and money are my sins. I have nothing to offer a good girl but bad choices and past mistakes. We all have baggage, mine just hangs between my pants waiting to prove its self one more time. Im sick, no help, or words of motivation to change. I am who I am because I cant change. ****** up bi poler, *** crazed, schizophrenic ******* want to be ******* I am... hallelujah ******* god ******... a-*******-men

My insecurities is an infinite wall that will keep us separated.

To the eighth wonder
From the seven seas
Across the sky I ponder
brings back memories
The wind brings your taste
Drifts pass my nose
Leaves me with such haste
The heinous storm grows.
Love is a hurricane
whirlwind of emotion and lust
Then comes the pain
Followed by mistrust.
Communication is dead
Alone my bed feels bigger
Things always left unsaid
I couldn't feel any less sicker

Counting back the days
Counting, counting
Now it's a blurry haze
Cigarettes and Midnight silhouettes
Fueled my teenage years
It's time to fight these tears
Counting and counting
Walking home till dawn
Passed out on mother's lawn
Oh what a disgrace I've became
Counting, still counting
My skin and memories
Are like prison bars
Just strong enough to hold me
Not the  life momma wanted or fancy cars..

They say, "as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil"  for me I dont need to walk in the valley of death to fear no evil, I will only have to look in a mirror to fear it, for I am evil. I am the punishment that my enemy's have beset judgement onto me, because I can only truly be my own worst fear. A man soaked with sin and remorse longed to be free from the shackles of my father and his before him. Im outraged at the man iv become inside, so deep in hate for I am the last thing I wanted to be, fearful. The lost of my life or loved ones due to my incompetence of judgement. I fear I am lost mankind, and have failed myself and all of my dreams. For I am just a man with nothing left but words on a canvas.

When I kissed her, for the very first time, I knew my destiny had changed. For I didn't know it at the time, but I would love those lips, like i love the every tingle in my body when i see her, the warm hugs when she grips me so tight, and the way he hair smells when she does...

It aches with every fiber in my body that she is gone.

Why do we do things that we know are wrong and will still hurt others, especially the ones we love?
To feel alive or something.
Im not a bad man, iv tried my damnedest to be I good i swear.
But i guess you cant always get what you want, but if you try, you get what you need.
Im desperate, I think im having what you call a crisis of faith... Im a lover, yet im too much of one and cant do a thing right.
I need help lord.

She frightens me, scared to leave and move on.
I know iv found greatness in her but will never know if I find it again.

I still want her, I always will.

Maybe god or destiny has more in store for me.

But until then, I wait scared and alone.

Raise your glass to the tears of loves gone to past.

Drink up the sorrow of  lovers quarrel.

I lift up my drink to you my friend, soon one day love will find us right around the bend.

Driving tipsy down heartbreak road, love songs sing to me, straight to the soul.

If you loved me like I love you, we would share this half empty bottle of *****.

Cliche walks on the sand, I get on bended knee and give a gentle kiss on your hand.

I speak those words and you say yes! I lift you up "CLEAR....." (ok we have him back)

Sir can you hear me, you have just been an a car collision, we are on our way to the hospital now.

Drink, Drunk, Drank...

She is but a memory now.
I see her in all her beauty
But she's different

My love for a girl
Is lost with age
Not even lust
But more of an idea

She will never be
And I will never be
What once was
Never again

Yet I'll run right back
At her beck and call
A slave to the known

The blood orange moon pierced the night sky unveiling where demons lie,
True lovers intertwined
By the thighs
he moans, she crys

whereabouts unknown
some demons never shown.
Not even the darkness of night
Can conceal the blood moons light

You don't understand how unpredictably unstable I can be
I'm more than just a body, for hire
If I chose not to work im fired
I lay awake at at night waiting for a fright that might wanna take a bite
Of poor old lonely me,
tiny,
knee high to a tree,
whom can barely read
let alone feed a family creed.

I'm poor, I'm a joke.
That's why I can't stop taking the last ****
Before I stoke, these
Heavier drugs like coke
I'll bloat if I don't diet
It's pretty silent, it's quiet
Until the riot breaks out
And traps the sun
Ain't it fun?
We are all just believing we are number one
But isn't that the loneliest sum?
I feel lost
But at what cost?
The coin I had to toss
In a well
To get swell
For better or for worst
This love is a hell...

The sadness dwells on my heart

A broken mind, miles apart.

Flashes of blue, blonde and glee

Memories tired, wanting to run free.

Love at first sight, blinded after first fight.

Tears pooled up at the eyes.

Woeful songs play as I cry.

Wishing of motivation to get better.

Cuddled up next to your warn out sweater

In the small corner of my mind
Resides a place where my memories lie
Inside that door
I stand cold and alone
Every memory is still as stone
I've made many attempts to escape
But depression starts to take shape
cherishing the happy thoughts like glass
Anything good never lasts
Close my eyes and begin to count sheep
Hopfuly these memories can go to sleep

I've taken your talons out of me
Yet the poison still remains
Too soon for these wounds to heal
But the pain is still the same
The poison has weakened me
The melody of music fades
Coursing through my veins
Food has lost its taste
Everything is so black and white
Colorblind these days
Love is but a construct
Lust was just a phase

I ain't ever gonna have that cash and June love
That love that no matter how much you endure,
at the end of days that woman says yes.
I ain't ever gonna die of a broken heart, because you gotta have one to break first.
Lost doesn't fit to the feeling I have,
It's more like disappeared.
Lost implys you will be found...
My love is at the bottom of a bottle
It's white residue left on a table
It's anything to numb my numb
To get my mind off you
To forget what life was when I had love
When everything else won't do..

What am I doing with my life?
I love a girl who doesn't want me,
Head over heels, drop what ever it is im doing to run to her.

You may think, stop, its just a girl, you will find a better one, just give it time and move on.... Yeah no.
This is is literally the woman I dream about, not in a ****** way, she honestly completes me, and she knows I complete her, she just is scared... She has no idea what she wants and defiantly does not want to waste her time on a fool like me.

I miss it, that feeling she gives me just by the touch. When she shows me at times that she wants me I go wild, and with out her I feel dead and gone. Life would not have meaning unless she's in it, by my side, as we push each other to be better. She calls me and just drags me along.
im already dead and gone.

This poem is for you
After the night I made you blue.
The sunset washed with beautiful pink
All it took was 1 yes to a drink
Falling for you was like a shooting star
For all it took was that last bar...
My hopes and chances rocketing down
Sitting on cloud nine before, now it's a frown
God you wore that beautiful red dress
Here I sat the next day a babbling mess
A goddess you are to me
But not one part of you will hear my plea..
Dear Red this poem is for you,
Now this poem makes number two
Remember when x marks the spot?
Talking about that red mop on top?
You give me chills when your near
Now the chills are engulfed in fear
I'll never have another chance
Last Saturday night might be our last dance...

release me from my demons, take away the pain. I'm done hurting myself, and my foes. I'm tired of being shackled, iv brought this on myself. the dark shadow that follows me, my self conscious all the wrong doings I've done. how can I forgive others when I can't forgive myself? why must I feel so low are doing nothing wrong? when does a good man become a bad man? this is many little bad things or one big bad thing? Or is it just something he was born to do? I'm tired of lying awake in my bed asking these questions. my brain won't settle down it knows too much, hopefully when I'm done punishing myself I will be absolved of my so called "sins". although I have yet to lay in bed with another *****, I still feel *****, unclean, I'm beginning to fall for another but how could I even think someone would fall for such a disgrace as myself? she looks at me and lights up like I'm the best thing on feet, my words are perfect, my intentions are good, but when I look into a mirror all I see is a broken old man in tattered slave clothes with nothing to offer anyone. if she only knew how I looked at her, the pedestal I've created, she wouldn't look at me the same she would probably walk away like everyone else. so I ask again so politely release me from my demons, please release me from myself.

Darken skies
cloud my mind
Leave me with tearful eyes
We fought through the lies
Her and I
But forgotten I haven't tried
For on my end
Love hasn't died.

He never spoke about his feelings
They were his to hide
The best kept secret
Till he was too late
Hand in hand
With another man
His dreams
And thoughts of desire
With her
Started to disappear
He could hear the echo
Of laughter as they walked further
Might as well been fate
Mocking him for his mistake
A secret he will keep to his grave

As we part ways
branching into our own journeys,
I look back to see if you look back at me to..
When I stop and stare,
Waiting for any response,
I only see your head held high
never skipping a beat,
i feel foolish
for going on this long.
without the same care.
Without any desire for me.
I look forward
Memories rewinding in my head
Playing back the tape
To keep me company
On my journey ahead.

I feel like I have too much love to give now.
I feel like I cant wait for the road ahead of me.
I'm tired of lust, meaningless *** or one night stands. I want a first kiss that will last a lifetime.
I feel like I have these wounds that will never heal, nor will I want them too, makes me understand more about what I felt, learn what is real.
I want you more then I want the sun, and as you know im scared of the dark.
Love you like the work day is long.
If you met someone ill be here,
If you left someone ill be here,
If you are happy being you ill be here,
If your married ill be here
Im I'm still with you we are just on different schedules.

Our Lust for flesh Has got to end
No empathy for human kind
The digital eye has made the world blind
*** craved teens to
Marching hybrid death machines
Ending our suffering
With Satire life memes
No need for begging
We have apps for that
Taking selfies with our cat
At the tables playing craps
Gambling our student loans
"Don't worry mom I'm grown"
Buying time we will never own
School never prepared us for this
Every new drug we take creates bliss
We don't have time to mourn our loss
Even if it comes at great cost

she was different, so he liked her. he wasn't by any means ordinary so she grew on him. he loved her with every breath he took, even down to his last...and she knew it.he can never really have her, the love that is, another possessed it.so he protected her without acknowledgment she didn't even know he was there. he watched her for nothing in return. her living was more than enough. her memory would just break him if she wasn't here. But the day came... When her and the one she love past... He broke. You he fell just like the girl he loved. No matter the protection, safeguard he tried... It was going to happen. Not a day goes by he doesn't think about her. Her memory is all he's got, till that fades with age and death. He won't, couldn't love another, like he did for her. Thought about her often and with her memory came happiness... For the time when he could hold her when they were young. Play like children and laugh together. Every time the memory ends the same way, one tear, a wipe of the hand, breathe in, out, and keep moving forward. He looks happy, beautiful, because he lived with love, although he couldn't hold her, he loved her. That's what matters to him that's all he needed to live.

You showed me one of your most beautiful creatures you ever made. The most caring and compassionate woman I've ever met. What do i do? I go and squander it. It's always been about a girl... Its what pulls my heart strings and gives me hope. I guess thats the root of my problems... abandonment issues more or less. I seek beautiful, lovely, smart and caring women and I chase them away. I know im not good enough to keep them, so, I make a reason for them to leave. I cry out to the lonely voice in the sky for advice or guidance, and I feel more lost then ever.

Pity, that's all that was.
Faking it, just because.
loneliness made me weak
attention is all you seek
why care about what you feel?
When none of it has been real.
Except getting me between the sheets
And ******* me until you admit defeat

(which coincidentally wasn't longer than 5 minutes)

Thrive on being the one with power
Leaving you without answers
My walls made this Tower.

Trust is something you misuse in your game

just like me,

a glass, once broken is never the same.

I'm learning my lesson
And sorry, but you will never win.

What do you call a saint who knows how to sin?

Oh I remember now...
a liar
a phony
a crook
try all of the above...

I know your home alone
And your crying on the phone
Your left with so much hurt
And I only see you in spirts
And it kills
It's shrill
But just imagine the thrill
The cold chill of the night
Don't hate me out of spite
I gotta do what I think is right
No longer can we fight
It takes all of my might
To stop that beast that's inside
The one you choose to hide
From the world you chose to help
But instead you indulge yourself
We both can't sink in this ship
And I'm just tired of your ****.

I had a dream about her again... she was mine like always. But something always happens in it where we are not together. Like the dream just makes me happy with what I want, taunts me, then shes gone. I mess up again like I did in life or she just disappears.  Dreams are the only thing I look forward too, bc she does come walking back into my life. " I miss the air so much, I miss my wife, its so lonely out in space, on such a timeless flight... I think its gonna be long long time, till touch down brings me around again to find, im not the man I think I am at home..." perfection and happiness is just... a dream.

Her soft lips
Long finger tips
Running down my skin
A parade of goosebumps March
As she begins to grin
Having complete control Over my body
Thinking of something to say
My words become sloppy
Over Thinking takes place
Nervous, she continued to make way
Destruction to my psyche legs begin to quake
She keeps me quiet no need to hesitate
Alarm goes off, I spring awake...

Every night it blows my mind
Because your the most hideous thing in sight.
Not on the outside because your beauty is so bright,
but on the inside I fight the beast with all my might.