Dear to whom it may concern,

Thats how it starts... Iv been thinking about Us (with a capital you) the story of us. How the **** do I sum it up? Has it been perfect? Hardly. Any story with me at the center of it will never be anything less then a big smiling mess, But here's what I know for sure, our time in the sun has been a thing of absolute ******* beauty. The nightmares, the partys, the hangovers, the wedding... This magnificent shimmering insanity in this world of ours. When for months I woke up to you leaving because you cant sleep till 2 pm, I roll outa bed telling you im sorry, I'll do better, then proceed to disappoint you and repeat till you walked out for good.

As writer I'm a hopeful sucker for happy endings, the guy gets the girl she saves him from him self and they live happy ever after.

As man who has loved such girl, I realized there is no such thing, there's no sunset, there's just now, just the two of us which can be ****** scary and ugly sometimes.

But, if you close your eyes like I have and listen to the whisper of your heart, if you simply keep trying and never... ever give up. No matter how many times we get it wrong, maybe till the beginning and end blur into something called, until we meet again.  Thats.. Thats all I got, I didn't know how to finish it, but it's not finished it never will be with me and you.

I wrote you, because every single time I try to speak, something stupid comes out of my mouth, and the words dont mean what I want them to mean, or even half of what I want them to mean.

Its, It's never over for me. Never.

I do it all for you,
I have set new goals and avenues in my life all for you.
I am going to school finally to learn how to pursue my dream all for you.
Learn how to write and do big things iv always told you id do, for you.
I was once the man you saw you wanted and crushed that image.
But just maybe when iv became the man I promised you will come back to me
Became in the end
I do it for you.

I cant stand to see the guilt come across an actor's eyes as he portrays a life of a cheater.

Days past were I am reminded of my own betrayals and I must look away.

Is this what it's like to change?

Has my sleep become a pipe dream?

Has my alcoholic induced ******* antics came and gone so early in my life, where I cant find the dullest, and easiest scape goats to sooth my pain and guilt?

I'm left wondering what did i gain?
Take it from me, the grass is not greener.

I feel like I have too much love to give now.
I feel like I cant wait for the road ahead of me.
I'm tired of lust, meaningless *** or one night stands. I want a first kiss that will last a lifetime.
I feel like I have these wounds that will never heal, nor will I want them too, makes me understand more about what I felt, learn what is real.
I want you more then I want the sun, and as you know im scared of the dark.
Love you like the work day is long.
If you met someone ill be here,
If you left someone ill be here,
If you are happy being you ill be here,
If your married ill be here
Im I'm still with you we are just on different schedules.

I find myself surrounding my life in things you once told me about.
Movies, books, poems, writings, and music.

I adore your art work, what light has shown through this tattered canvas of mine...

To have a taste to feel what you feel. To see these images and understand your mind just a little deeper.

Your lost. I'm on the same journey you took, and im on my way to get lost with you.

Take away the pills, I have more.
Oh im not good enough?
Just look at my sister, flithy *****.

So iv developed a few new habits,
Poppin pills, and alcohol. Might as well start lookin for caskets.

They think I do this to numb the pain,
What they dont know is im tryin to remember what it feels like...
Kissing her in the rain.

Last thing I saw before I was tied to this hospital bed, was the last drop of jim beam and the tree branch next to my head.

It's 3 a.m. And I just want to sleep,
Grasping for my pills
These rope burns hurt my feet.

Drugged out prince is what they call me
More like broke loser
Begging to be set free...

Pity, that's all that was.
Faking it, just because.
loneliness made me weak
attention is all you seek
why care about what you feel?
When none of it has been real.
Except getting me between the sheets
And ******* me until you admit defeat

(which coincidentally wasn't longer than 5 minutes)

Thrive on being the one with power
Leaving you without answers
My walls made this Tower.

Trust is something you misuse in your game

just like me,

a glass, once broken is never the same.

I'm learning my lesson
And sorry, but you will never win.

What do you call a saint who knows how to sin?

Oh I remember now...
a liar
a phony
a crook
try all of the above...

Push it down,
       Always push it down
                          Never show her
Never show her your feelings again

                                         Keep pushing
                           Deep down
Till you can't feel it  
  But you will
         Like a pebble in your shoe.
              It dosnt hurt, just an annoying pain
      Till you do something with it

Never.
Keep it pushed down, no matter what.
Never show your feelings,

Your pain
                Your stress
                                   Your tears

Comes into my room as quick as light. Love.
Turned on with no fright.
Laughing and loving not a care in the world. In my arms you curled.

Strange feelings set the mood.
My love you feel the need to elude.
Now in a flash have you changed.
Somehow your feelings towards me have rearranged.    Selfish

Struggling to keep you gripped tight.
You tell me it's not right.
I sit here telling myself its not over,
Fearing the worst you let me cry on your shoulder.

No words to be said
Just tears  I have shed
I stand, sit, lie down as I plead
Asking every explanation I can bleed

Crushing blows I take away
Fire to darkness you play
Your light flickers in my heart as I twitch
You're unpredictable like a light switch...

Sometimes I click on her name and start typing, I ease it and start over.

Second guess my actions.

I'll do this about three times back to back.

Then I convince myself its a waste of time.

I cant help she occupies my thoughts.

ill just push is deep down and ignore it like she would ignore my texts anyway.

Ill continue living my life as if the thoughts and endless,
(but never Written) conversations, never went through my head at all..

The literal *******.

I find myself not caring about anyone or anything, just what she is doing.

Days like today and nights like these are the worst.

I can't stand day dreams of you anymore. All I want is to talk to you.
See how your doing.

My only regrets were lustful thoughts and being too young to recognize what love is.

Problem is I didn't fall in love with her looks, because her looks can fade like Memories.

I fell in love with something you can't see or touch. I fell in love with their soul, those feelings don't fade so quickly.

But I can't get over the thought of her, what a blessing she was when I could see her, when I could feel her. Not only with my eyes open, but when they're closed that's why she always be with me.

Im no knight in shinny armor,
My clothes are tattered and torn.

I would stop anyone from harming her,
Her touch makes me feel reborn.

I tell myself NO, I dont need this drama,
Yet im still at her beck and call.

I use the rage to fuel my fire
I think about my past desire

Despite my love gone lost
It pains me with such cost

I fuel my fire with images of us
I remember all the pain and mistrust

Despite my pretentious past
The dumb bells in my hands, I grasp.

I workout to my own tune.
I'll leave you behind, like apple left zune.

Vague blows to my mind
Memories make me unkind
Bitter and shallow to the core
All this laying in bed has made me sore

shameless ***
With strangers just met
fulling a void just isn't the same
Without our conversations to keep me sane.

Struggling with hello
Picture you wearing those stilettos
Holding the pillow at night
Isnt you gripping me tight

a wolf in sheeps clothing
Turns into a sheep with self loathing
wolf inside frightened to see light
Future Looking dim and bleak, losing sight.

eyes
Lips
Kiss

Hands
Sweat
Lust

heavy breathing
Passion
Love

soft  touch
Cuddling
Remorse

I can't break down, I must ignore you.
I can't break down.

If you text I'll have no choice but to not reply no matter How much It kills me inside.

I am a hungry shark...
you are alone in the dark...
No more waiting
for your text
For your Call
im going to live my life now,
soon my memories of you will fade,  I have to get over you,
Get over you..
Get over you..
Get.. Over..
this curse of true beauty I see in you.

"Please don't go, I love you so..."

That was the tune I would sing, repeat it like it would somehow get you to stay...

You wanna go? go, im done trying to stop you.
Since you have no idea what you want, good luck going, because you honestly are perfect for me, so far.

Soon ill find a place for another, an I hope you do the same, however, if your lonely and drunk looking for a *******, I wont be answering that phone.
Best thing I can do is leave you too.

Best wishes maybe if I let you go, you might find what you were looking for, which coincidentally might be me me the whole time.

What am I doing with my life?
I love a girl who doesn't want me,
Head over heels, drop what ever it is im doing to run to her.

You may think, stop, its just a girl, you will find a better one, just give it time and move on.... Yeah no.
This is is literally the woman I dream about, not in a ****** way, she honestly completes me, and she knows I complete her, she just is scared... She has no idea what she wants and defiantly does not want to waste her time on a fool like me.

I miss it, that feeling she gives me just by the touch. When she shows me at times that she wants me I go wild, and with out her I feel dead and gone. Life would not have meaning unless she's in it, by my side, as we push each other to be better. She calls me and just drags me along.
im already dead and gone.

Its getting to the point where im not even getting hurt by her actions or rejections, I just mutter "****" and move on now.

If she would only spend the time trying to see and meet other people, on me, she would have exactly what she is looking for.

I lay awake waiting, hoping to have another chance or a sign or something...

God damns if I do, and **** if I dont.
******* and Netflix keep me company now a days, I wish I wasnt so ****** pitiful, where people feel sorry for me, so they hangout. I used to matter. I used to be somebody else.

Loneliness wont leave me alone.

I layed next to her, looking in her eyes, I knew I loved her with a love that was more then love.  
A bond, something even a blind man could see. The fire and passion we have for one another.
Too bad life is hard and being scared of what you feel, scared to dangle on that tight rope of love, thinking more about falling than getting to the other side...

I cant sleep, I see her in my dreams, and its hard to wake up from perfection.
All her insecurities and flaws make me love her that much more.

I dont go out, to see her happy with another would rip a hole in my soul, far worse then any hole in the heart.
But if she was with another, he must make her smile, it will bring joy to the world, he must make her laugh for it will surely cure sadness, and he must make her happy, for its the least he can do for me.

"Daddy why are you and mommy not married?"

Well sweet heart, ill tell you why.

Mommy and daddy used to date, a very long time ago, and daddy broke her heart, daddy still loved mommy very much and we talked everyday, years passed by and mommy wanted a baby, and knew we would be great parents, but mommy didn't love daddy the way he loved her, but daddy loved mommy so much, he gave her you. Mommy still didn't love daddy and we could never be together,  but she knew id be able to raise the perfect little girl, and here you are princess. Mommy has you, and I'll always have my two favorite girls.

"Okay daddy!"

It's not like I dont think about you, I do.
But it comes and goes.

I think of another every **** day, everyday since day one.

I try to let her go but it's impossible.
So ill hold on to that tighter and know that it happened.

But I remember you.

"Today's the day I walk away" I tell myself as I drive to work.
"Let it be over, and be happy" I repeat to myself.

I say these things to convince myself not to think of her, so i dont spend every waking second checking my phone for a lousy text from her, like It would be my honor to receive a reply.

"**** um, I dont care, I am happy" as I get half way though my depressing work day.

No text, still. It's about 30 minutes to punch out and im finally over her, iv accepted her not responding and by this time im so ****** that if she did respond, I wont even bother with it.

            PUNCH

I walk out the door to my car

vib vib  vib vib
             Check
"hey wanna come over?"

And like the ******* I am, I don't even think twice about it, I rush home to change, I rush over to see her.

Shes like my drug dealer, she knows how to cheer me up with any one of her moods as if they were a drug.

Problem is, after I leave I want more and more, and become more disappointed than I was before.

"Please just let it be over..." as I drive home to collect my thoughts and depression sinks in more. God im too stubborn to walk away.

Please rest these demons I have swirling in my head, I feel so lost but still connected somehow.

Please tame these beasts, these thoughts, I dont want them any more.

I want to be alone now, I don't want to be with anyone if its gonna feel like im miles away when im holding you tight.

These moments id rather feel nothing at all then this lost emotion, agony, and constant annoyance. I just wanna leave, before I have a chance to begin.

So I hide in this persona, this confident, not caring, dont give a **** party animal. When I walk in, they will all know me by my name, scream it as I walk in the door...

                        **Rosencrantz

No matter how much pain she brings me, looking at her smile settles the twisting sea inside me.
No matter how much I want her wrapped in my arms, such beauty should be seen by the world.

I fear falling asleep for I might not wake up tomorrow.
The fear of not loving more when I had the chance.
The fear of people not understanding who I am, or why I do what it is I do.
We often give flowers more at funerals then we do when people are here and alive, because grief is stronger than gratitude.

If loving you, is a crime, lock me up im doing the time, because I'll always be guilty.
Any day now my heart will bust out of my chest, and ill be gone, im glad I touched the ones I did with my poetry.

I cant stop loving you,
Loving you is the closest thing I come to,  seeing happiness.
The way you smile at me then play it coy like I don't notice your joy.

I pray to love you longer,
even if you dont feel the same,
at least I can say I love something more then myself and mean it.

When a soul mate comes into your life there are two certainties,

1. You will challenge eachother till the end of time.

2. You will be addicted to that challenge.

When you realize your soulmate got there too early in your life, and you just missed it. you will be alone with loneliness till you do anything to get them back. Getting them back will take short of the impossible, but the rest of your life will be worth it.
Keep trying, everyday is a new beginning, to get that soulmate.

Iv been there for you
Iv been tough for you
Iv been happiness for you
Iv been caring for you
Iv been you for you, when you couldn't be you.

Iv been everything for you..

But iv also been

Alone
Sad
Depressed
Hurtful
Angry
Watching you hurt yourself, ruin your self crying out for help from everyone but me like I was never there, taken for granted and you couldnt care less.

I just want to love you, but if it isnt right, what can I do?

Tragedy is a beautiful thing.


"Tragedy is a unbound force made of infinite coincidences to prepare you for the future."  *- Kyle Shirley

The heart, it weeps to be whole again.
Cries nightly, longing for its better half.

I close my eyes, in a flash its whole again.
The blink is over, and heart break settles in.
**** them with kindness just like she taught you.
I hang up my **** dripping with the stench of *****, I throw away this one night stand playbook.
Iv taken my armour off of my heart and walk out into the open a free man, willing to risk hurt for love, it's not my fault I want every girl, I was born this way, but never given the means to control it until now.

She frightens me, scared to leave and move on.
I know iv found greatness in her but will never know if I find it again.

I still want her, I always will.

Maybe god or destiny has more in store for me.

But until then, I wait scared and alone.

My heart aches
It breaks
My soul is torn
Urges to be reborn

Erase the pain
Keep my mind sane
Think of me less
Speak no more of this mess

Set my love free
Where it wishes to be
Look ahead and smile
Cast away all anger and denial

Escape from the sadness
Suppress the madness
Forgive all those you know
And leave to where you choose to go

Words have been said
Or better yet read
But the last I say to you
Is find happiness in whatever you do.

Its nights like this, where my thoughts are heavy weighing on my lonely heart.

I try not to think of the hardships of my past, but never the less... You come in.

I miss you when I cant sleep,
I miss you in my front seat,
Singing your tune
Laughing till noon
I still here missing you.

Im connected to a dead heart, pushing and pulling, restless...

I want to just give up, why do I have the will to fight? Why cant I just leave and never look back?
I just want it to be over.

Subscribe to my vibe, rolling to the sea.
It comes with the tide thats pulling at me.
The ride I ride screams with glee.


As a freak I blend in,        with the geeks.
A fine *** woman,       *i seek.
Iv been celibate,       for about a week.
Man that future,    sure looks bleek.

Blonde wavy hair she has,
What id give, to pound that ***
Ride or die, ill be smoking that grass,
Livin up in rockin roll heaven will be a blast.

I want to flip out in anger.
I want kiss every part of your body.

The rush of rage filling me to completion.
The rush I get from seeing you.

The way you're out with other guys around your friends torments me.
The way you are around my friends, im at home.

I scream and shake with jealousy

My life is like the negatives in a photo reel.
Black and white, and barely seen.

In the darkest moments of my life I was always able to rely on friends more then family at a young age.
As I grew older I sought out many beautiful women to settle down with, as my best friend to rely on.
In the past coming months, iv lost my best friends, and my girl. I sit at home calling and calling on them in my time of need, no answer.
Im a simple man, I love a girl whom I made  childish mistakes with, she no longer loves me. I enjoy my friends company, they are a great group. I abandon them for my love, when I came up short with her, I had no one.

As a romantic I tend to find happiness in the darkest corners of the world, lately... I cant even find happiness right in front of me.
I talk to my woman everyday, she grows tired of letting me down day after day.
"Im sorry i dont feel that way" it's never gonna happen again" "dont get used to us talking, I wont be here forever"

Every new day I find a new way to have her take me back. Although I know it will never be...

You showed me one of your most beautiful creatures you ever made. The most caring and compassionate woman I've ever met. What do i do? I go and squander it. It's always been about a girl... Its what pulls my heart strings and gives me hope. I guess thats the root of my problems... abandonment issues more or less. I seek beautiful, lovely, smart and caring women and I chase them away. I know im not good enough to keep them, so, I make a reason for them to leave. I cry out to the lonely voice in the sky for advice or guidance, and I feel more lost then ever.

Mind is flustered, with silly emotions.
Body is clustered, with progressive motions.

Lick your lips, tease my eyes.
I do flips, you dont care for my cries.

We share lustful touch, mood swings slurr.
I kiss you in clutch, vision starts to blurr.

After we conclude, you leave with regret.
I get defensive and rude, leaving should be a safe bet.

Id rather you stay and build us, there's more to learn here.
I won't go without a fuss, for this I know is clear.
I hope to see you again, in the day this time. This is where we begin, I'll end this poem in a rhyme.

If being single was so ******* awesome, you would think people would be celebrating being single, not have weddings.

This up and down ******* *****. Second guessing, thinking their is someone better out there for you. God its ******* terrible.

Insomnia what a cruel mistress you are.
You take me away from my safe haven, sleep, the place I go to get away from it all.
You make me keep living the day as long as you can.

You leave me awake and wanting, hunting my thoughts, running scared to sleep.

Eyes weak and heavy, yet my blood pumps hard, heart beat is quickens, and my legs restless.

Freedom of the pain, a ease into less chaos, and a sweet passing into the night is all I ask.

Pain is a beautiful thing, isnt it?
In pain we achieve a higher mind set of life, such as "I will never do that again". False, you will till you stop feeling pain.
Remember that time you confused love, with a life lesson?

Pain is power, it can create body builders and models. Pain *****, to feel for someone who doesnt feel the same way.
Pain is loves opposite, not hate.  Pain is that same deep hurt of emotional stress that interferes in everyday life, such as love.  

The after math of love, or even liking someone causes a pain that flows through you like boiling blood, nothing can take your mind off it.

When the light goes out at night, what do you see? Most people see darkness, black shades or shadows of objects in the room.

I see fear. I see what can go bump in the night, the things that leave your hair up on end and your goose bumps on your body.

I see what could grab you and torture you till suns first light. I see the future of one hundred possibilities come to life in a matter of minutes.

Yes you could say I sleep with the light on, it eases my senses. I sleep with a fan on to **** any sound rumbling outside my door. I do grip my pillow tight and have slept with on eye open as a child.

These nightmares dont just happen at night, I see them without closing my eyes. I see them as I drive down the road in daylight. I see them out with friends and movie theaters.

I must ignore the sight to get through my day, such like the hulk is always mad but learns when to turn, I am always scared and seeing the darkness but know when to block it and see reality.

Soon my mind will eat me alive, golfed in a world of fear and torture. As my fingers twitch and legs shake, the madness will paint brush strokes on paper and please other people in their own fantasy land, while i write it will be a cry for help....

Iv watched some of my youthful days disappear in the moment. Caught up in glory and seduction.

The lesson in life is live the glory as it comes, but watch it pass with the love of your life.

The sadness dwells on my heart

A broken mind, miles apart.

Flashes of blue, blonde and glee

Memories tired, wanting to run free.

Love at first sight, blinded after first fight.

Tears pooled up at the eyes.

Woeful songs play as I cry.

Wishing of motivation to get better.

Cuddled up next to your warn out sweater