The way he looked at me...
        I knew he wanted me
        It was the same way the others looked at me
        And I liked it

I crave it, devour it, savor it...
        It's forbidden
        It's wrong
        It hurts

Self-harm doesn't have to be physical
I stopped cutting long ago

But every time I let another one…
        Crave me
        Devour me
        Savor me

… Look at me like that

It's a cut right through my soul

I'm seeing you again for the first time

Within a second I'll know if you still love me
Within an instant I'll know if the feeling is still there
Within a moment I'll know if I will spend the rest of my nights on the bathroom floor in tears or wrapped in your embrace

And part of me doesn't want to look
Part of me wants to just close my eyes
Or not even bother to open the door at all
Part of me wants to move on and try to fill the void with boys who will never know me

But all of me needs you
All of me wants you
All of me is living for a hope that may never come

Convince him to get a new hair cut and when he does, notice the way it doesn't frame his face the way it used to and how his shaved head reminds you of your cousin who, as your mom said, enlisted too young. Listen to him, really listen to him when he talks and watch the way his mouth automatically turns to a smile after every single sentence he utters. Make note of every time he laughs at his own joke. When he tosses you a compliment picture his last person and how they must have felt when he tossed the same line to them. As you're lying in bed try to recall the time before he called you his and consider how long you wanted him. Remember the way you memorized his drink orders and the sweater he always wore on Tuesday. Realize that you stopped memorizing him the day he confessed to memorizing you. Bring him to social gatherings and become annoyed with the way he clings to you. Catch him staring at you at least three times in one day and when the day is over compare that number to the zero amount of times you found yourself gazing his way. His voice will come to annoy you and it is important that instead of shutting it out, you let it in. Eventually this annoyance will turn into hatred so you have to let every word sink in. Don't listen to your friends tell you how nice he is and ignore the voice in your head telling you that you have to be happy because he treats you right, unlike the last one. Let it finally hit you that you no longer like him, when you find yourself at 2am crying, in a dark room illuminated only by the light of a computer screen displaying the last picture you have of the man you actually love.

The story of you and me is my favorite story to tell.

I don't regret you
Not because you didn't break my heart, you did
Not because I don't hate you, I do
Not because you didn't take a part of me with you when you left, you did
Not because I don't spend sleepless night thinking about you, I do

I don't regret you because you made me feel
And the opposite of love is not hate
The opposite of love is not feeling at all
And you made me feel more than I've ever felt before
{bcg}

How did you come to the conclusion that we had no chance of making it? How did you figure that out without me? How many nights did you stay up thinking? How many friends did you consult? How many conversations did we have where you never mentioned you were solving this problem? How many conversations where I told you I loved you and you did too? How many of those conversations did we have when you already knew what the solution was and it wasn't you and me? When did you figure out we couldn't be? When?


And when did you figure out you would be okay without me? Because I would really, really appreciate it if we could go back there. To that night, that moment, that thought. And you teach me how to do the same. Because it's right about now when the pain is too much and my heart is beating too fast and I just want all this hurt to go away, when I would really ******* love to know how to be okay without you.

-bcg (teach me how to be as cold as you)

I forgot what it felt like to be wrapped up in you
I forgot for too long
So I thought I was fine and so I picked up the phone
and then you were you and I was you and we were us again
and you wrapped me up

and then you let me go

and now i can't stop shaking and i'm closing my eyes because the world is moving too fast and i just want one of our infinite moments to last

but the damage has been done. just be gone.

tears don't come anymore
so i'm heaving
in a dark room
illuminated with the light of the laptop
displaying my last picture
of you

I know you care. Even when you told me things that hurt so bad I had to use a blade against my own skin for my body to make sense again. Even when you literally showed me how little I mattered to you. Even when you stopped loving me the first time. Even when you watched in silence as I begged for you to ask me to stay. Even now when I haven’t heard from you for so long and I am so close to the edge.

I know you care because you always cared, just not enough.

-bcg (i dont know how long i can keep holding on)

I still miss you just as much
I just don't say it anymore.
Because when I do
The look on your face
That mixture of pity and uncomfortableness
Makes me want to *****.
And I can't throw up with an empty stomach
And heaving is just unladylike.

-bcg (i miss you)

"No matter how bad it gets, I'll always have you," I should never had tempted fate with such wasteful words. I should have spent all that time listening to the sound of your voice telling me about your childhood. Telling me about the stuffed animal you slept with until an embarrassingly old age. Telling me about needing to go clothes shopping because you saw someone wearing a button down shirt and you suddenly realized that button down shirts were a thing and you could wear them now because you're a grown up. Telling me to drink my tea and eat the sandwich you made. Telling me about your arguments with your roommate and conversations with your father. Telling me everything I needed to hear. Telling me everything was going to be alright.

I should have shut up and just listened to you then and every other night.  
You deserved more than my wasteful words and your wasted time.

-bcg (you deserved more than me, and what I gave you, but i still miss you, love, i still miss you)

Getting those blue eyes out of my head is taking more than praying and I just feel stupid because I'm pleading to a God that I don't even believe in. Hitting my head against the metaphorical wall of the memories included in, "you and I," and it’s slowly killing my self-esteem until I have nothing left, I barely even have anything left of me.

"I still love you."

-bcg (kingdoms would fall to their knees before my love for you would crumble)

"Well how does he say goodbye to you?"
"We don't say goodbye..."
"How do you end a conversation?"
"Our conversations don't end. We've never said goodbye, only goodnight. Since the day we met we've spend every moment memorizing eachother. We are still learning every little thing about eachother. Our conversation won't end until the day we change the subject from me and you to us and we."
"Well then yes. It's love."

Just fifteen
    Just trying to do the right thing.

I told you the truth
   And you stole my youth.

                                  -i was a *child

I hold out my hand and you kiss it
You hold out your arm and I take it
I feel your heart beat and mine races

Synchronized, bonded, infinite
For just a moment we are one and
Then the moments done

And you are gone

i had this dream last night

i got home from work and you were waiting at our apartment with chinese takeout that we ate as we watched our favorite show on the tiny tv in our living room.

we walked the dog after dinner and then we went back home to fall into eachother.

and i swear to god when i woke up on the left side of this empty bed i could still smell you.

and my heart broke again.

because we never got to have a single simple day before you had to go away.

I remember one day we were talking and it was right after you left so I was still living for every word you wrote to me

I was frustrated, upset, but never angry. I told you it wasn't fair that you were gone and I was here and I'm devastated and you're just fine.

You said you didn't understand and it took me until now to realize you really didn't understand.

You are able to go about your day, follow the schedule, wake up without thinking. You are able to live without.

We were happy, in love, excited together. Apart I am isolated, desperate, depressed. Apart you are cold, habitual, just fine.

and i'm happy you're in my life again and i'm happy we have eachother again but you have to understand that sometimes we can't talk

not because i don't want to
i always want to talk with you

but sometimes peering into your life for too long reminds me that for a little while you didn't want me to be apart of it

I wanted forever and I got a few more hours.
-bcg (some things aren't meant to be)

I don't just miss you when I'm lonely, darling

I miss you when I'm in a room full of people
and someone tells a joke
and I look around the room for you
and I just want to see if you're laughing
just to see your smiling face
that's all I want

I don't just miss you when I'm lonely, darling
It's when I'm happy too

I miss you. Not in like a I like you, let's make out kinda way. In like a I miss your presence in my life. In like a I miss holding your hand when I'm sad.  In like a I miss talking with you about everything kinda way.

It was your last day, when we were driving in the car and we joked about running away.

We had so many things we wanted to do together, but now I guess it doesn't really matter.

We should have run when we had the chance, I never taught you how to dance.

"What was it like to lose him?"

"It isn't one single feeling when it happens. It's an empty feeling, that follows you around forever and ever."

-bcg (it never leaves)

Next to my alarm clock, on my bedside table, I keep a note
It simply says:
"It was a dream. He's still gone."
And every morning when I wake up with a smile
And roll over to trace your lips good morning,
I see the note
I don't have to read it anymore
I know what it says
I memorized it like I memorized you
{bcg}

Hi. We can’t stop talking. Three things have happened today that I needed to tell someone, but the thing is there was only one person I wanted to tell. And well we both have a lot to figure out, but figuring things out doesn’t sound so scary if you’re there to make jokes about everything with me. I know we aren’t ready to be “together,” and I know you’re tired and angry about being in limbo. But the thing is, limbo can be fun; I was actually really good at it before my growth spurt.

-bcg (i can handle not knowing what we are as long as you’re right there next to me)

I'm here and you're there.

-a five words ******* tragedy (the plane ticket you gave me is sitting on my mantle and i stare at it through the 2am tears)

6/23/14
2:34am
Him: okay, well what's your biggest fear? Or (even better) what do you despise the most?
Her: um... Time
Him: haha why?
Her: i guess it's just that it's impossible to win a fight against time

8/14/14
12:11am
Him: it just doesn't make sense.
Her: what doesn't?
Him: us.
Her: why?
Him: we just aren't at the same places in our lives, we can't keep doing this.
Her: you can't fight for us, for what we are, for everything we could be?
Him: it's impossible to win a fight against timing.

I keep on making the same mistake of
thinking I mean more to you than I actually do.

-bcg (there’s no sign of stopping)

I never told my mother about you
I knew it would be ******* her
And even harder on me
So I just never told her

But sometimes I would feel sad
Because something reminded me of you
And I would get up and go to the bathroom
Because I couldn't cry in front of her

She has no idea the hurt I was in
She has no idea the pain I endured
She has no idea what I had so
She has no idea what I lost

But a song will come on
While we are riding in the car
And my eyes start tearing up
And I can't tell her why
And she feels so bad she starts to cry

I've given so many excuses
Allergies, the wind, an eyelash
And even though she doesn't believe me she doesn't pressure
Because she understands the truth must be too painful for her ears
{bcg}

There's a dent in the pavement
and that's where (my) car automatically pulls over
because it knows that it's there, by that slight dent
where we had our (last) late night talk,
that I lay down and gaze up
I (reach) to the heavens in hope

–maybe they'll send you back (to) me
but there's a moon in the sky tonight
and it's telling me that you're alright
because while I'm gazing up at the moon
trying to grasp any essence of (you)
you're fast asleep next to someone new

i should be waiting for the day when i stop loving you
the day when seeing your **** picture in my facebook newsfeed won't shake my mind like a snowglobe in the hands of a six year old

i should be waiting for the day when i stop waiting for you
the day when i can say yes to a date with a boy who doesn't trace my arms with messages like you did

i should be waiting for the day when i stop being sad
the day when i can go a whole day without a pit in my stomach that no amount of fake smiling, nice dresses, and alcohol can get rid of

but instead i am so scared of stopping
so scared of falling out of love with you

if i can feel this much and just lose it
i dont think love is possible
i dont think love is eternal
i dont think i want to be over you

because i want it to be you
               i want it to be you

I'm trying to train my fingers to dial numbers other than yours.

//

but when the late night thoughts hit,

there is only one phone number I can recall



and it’s yours

because it has always been yours.

one day we're going to see each other again
and we'll go out to eat to catch up

and you'll be trying to decide what to pick off the menu
     because you've always been indecisive when ordering

and I'll have already chosen what I wanted
     because I always pick out what to have before I get to the restaurant

and you'll chose and I'll order and you'll talk and I'll laugh and the food will come

and I won't be able to eat

Because throughout the whole night, all the thinking and the talking and the laughing

the whole time

all I have been thinking about is the way you used to look at me

I still can't sleep at night because you wander across my eyelids,
but you'll never know.