i stare at my frozen screen
the progress bar of my content download
takes a leisurely rest at somewhere around 27%

i am frustrated.
i am impatient.
yet i stare at a frozen screen.

plastic leather chair, waiting for the drugs to kick in.
they did.
that was the day i learned self pity is really just guilt expressing itself.

rain is just the product of a fallen angel's pain.

I keep a toothbrush in my purse
so that wherever I may be --
work, his house, a friend's --
I can smoke a cigarette and reminisce
when you push your way into my thoughts.
then I can run to the restroom
and brush away
the bitterness, and
the taste of your kiss in every single mood.
make clean
the words I spoke but did not mean,
and the promises I made but did not keep.

euphoria meant nothing
until i heard you say my name.
points have never mattered,
never knew i was playing the game.
melodies through the speakers
running miles in my sneakers
away from all this mess
to happiness
to your arms
to the front seat of your car
wherever you are

well, here's the thing.
i miss you, but i'm not sorry and i probably never will be.
i won't apologize for anything, ever.
and by the time you realize that i have no reason to,
i will have realized i don't need to wait.

memories will haunt you,
drag you to the floor.
kneeling,
you try and forget
who you were before.

we watched the ship sink
from a rickety life boat
in the middle of the night.
we had no captain,
no oars,
and nowhere to go.
we floated around, aimlessly,
for several days and several nights.
we were sunburned,
starving, and few in number.
those we lost we left on board,
if only as a reminder
(but for no reason at all.)
when i and the other survivors
were prepared to give up,
a small patch of land came into sight.
we used our arms to slowly, but surely,
row ourselves to shore.
knowing this was our only chance at life,
we sent the lifeboat full of lost chances back out to sea.

sitting in a rowboat of the middle of the sea,
wondering where the bail bucket could possibly be.
there's a hole in the bottom
where the water's rushing in,
i stand, face the shore, dive in and swim.

i drank myself drunk,
i thought myself sad.
i looked at good things,
i only saw bad.
i made myself smile,
i stopped filling my cup.
i quit looking behind me,
things started looking up.

when you were snow,
i was the branch that snapped underneath your weight.
when you were a used match,
i was the charred portion of the stick that burnt with you.
when you were a gust of wind,
i was the umbrella that you whipped inside out.
but now you are a mountain,
and i am the climber who will reach your peak.

i cannot use bleach.
i know enough of false purity.

let me be your ceiling,
so that you might lie on your bed
and look up to me,
feeling the weight of the world
pressing on your chest,
and feel confident
that i won't let it fall in.

when you think of me,
i hope you think of opportunity.
doors closed, but we learned to fly
to new doors within the sky.
words will never be as beautiful
as the love that we shared.
but i still care.
i've always cared.

the world is gray.
the sun gave up and left us
in an eternal rainy day.

i climb into the car,
leave my seat belt unbuckled.
see,
i've learned that what makes you feel safe
rarely ever does.

one bad thing follows another,
despair fills the holes
left by poisoned bullets.
peppered with chemical shots,
sliced by contaminated blades.
bandages hide the wounds,
they don't heal the damage done.
happiness is the most lovely illusion,
and we are magicians all.

when do you let go of pain?
can you?
or does it burrow itself in your heart,
left in hibernation until a new season of heartache comes along?
will it sleepily emerge,
or come out roaring, hungry?

you made me say sorry
every single day.
you made me want to change.
you should have been building me up,
but you tore me down.
now i'm sitting in a pile of debris
wondering whether to try and piece this back together,
or call an architect to rebuild.

the trees are bare,
but the sun shines--
however faintly.
grass will freeze, and when the frost melts
it will be muddy.
remember that you will walk on firm ground again--
soon.

it's starting to feel like you only trust the people you shouldn't. people hurt people, and they don't care. some just take the trust they are given and they use it to do horrible things. i'm trying to convince myself that these are just bad people, but why are there so ******* many of them? you can't even cry, because you're so angry, and part of you was just waiting for it to fall apart. violence won't help, because that doesn't ever hurt the demons inside of you. you feel sick, but throwing up doesn't help, because there is always more pain and confusion that you just can't expel. you can't look them in the eye because you're scared that a small part of you will forgive them, and this will convince the rest of you to do the same. and you don't want to. *NOT THIS TIME

porcelain pieces of me were scattered,
you somehow found them all.
when you pieced them back together,
did you confuse my heart and skull?

have you tried to forget the way i said, "forever?"

your eyes melted hearts,
your words fostered hope.
all the times you saved us,
you were tying your own rope.
did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
and was it hard to get back in?

spiders crawl through holes
in my skin.
i spray repellents, but
they still get in.
skating patterns below my flesh-
so very thin.
leaving residual paths of terror,
i can't tell where they're going.
but i itch, scratch, tear at where they've been.

is it cold without my love to wrap around yourself?

i guess i forgot
that underneath your muscles,
your lean, mean attitude,
you are merely flesh and bones.

i guess i forgot
that behind those wary eyes,
the ones that saw me for me,
there are tears, waiting to fall.

i guess i forgot
that i had any weapons
which could pierce your toughened heart,
and i used them in the cruelest way.

i guess i forgot
that you aren't going to call,
but i know, before i even dial,
that you aren't going to answer.

chew me up,
spit me out,
this seems to be
all that you're about.

pulverize me in your jaw
a crunch, a snap,
expel me on the wall.

watch me drip,
watch me run,
put me on display,
critique me endlessly for fun.

the dark is always scariest
when you cannot find a light,
and love is always perilous
when all you do is fight.

but i'll support you with my everything,
defend you til i fall,
i'll protect you against anything,
and i'll love you through it all.

i'll pick you up when you fall down,
and if it seems that i just can't,
then i will **** up all my pride,
and i will join you on the ground.

i'll hold you when you need it,
and walk away when you just don't.
i'll never leave you all alone,
i promise that i won't.

i'll make you food when you are hungry,
i'll get you water when you thirst.
i'll do anything you tell me,
if i can see you do it first.

these are my promises,
i'm making them to you
i wish there could be more,
but what else can i do?

the most unsettling feeling
is seeing the place
that you once slept in,
cried in,
ate in,
stripped bare of everything that made it yours.
knowing that should you ever return,
it will have a new personality,
a different setup,
eyes that aren't yours glancing over
what will eventually become
just another table in the way
of the DVD player.

the most liberating feeling
is turning from that place,
and realizing that soon you will be
sleeping, eating, crying
in new rooms,
rooms made yours
simply because you call it home.

may you always have a table in the way of something
because home is where you throw your shoes off at the door
and sleep, cry, eat, love, fight.

I bit my nails to the quick today
so that I may feel a raw pain
as I trace my scars;
a pain reminiscent of the days
before they were scars.

left my family
left my job
i'm hungry and the box spring is broken
there's a knot in my back the size of my fist,
but we have love!
except lately it seems that it's not quite enough.
and now here i am,
in my nice shirt and jeans
chain smoking on the porch
waiting for your mom's car to come around the turn
so we can bail you out together.

hollowed out and filled with rocks,
you found me just in time.
broken down and torn apart,
so that something beautiful could
***** from the shattered remnants
of a worn out, run-down life.

[pills rattling]
[water running]
[muffled voices on television]
[exhales slowly]
[ominous music]
[breathing unsteadily]
[melancholy orchestral music]
[door opens]
[gunshot echoes]
[demonic orchestral music]

tell me i'm a monster, as if i didn't know.

the harder you hit
the more i want to prove that i can take it.
the bruising is expansive
and the canvas is almost full.
strangely,
my single fear is that you may switch gears
and choose a new medium with which to shape me
into exactly what i told you i would never become...


--your tragic masterpiece.

i proposed to my mother that she start mixing water into the milk,
because nothing in our lives has ever been whole.
she poured it down the drain.

sweet tea and you are synonymous in my mind.
the taste is just right-- although,
overall,  you are both unhealthy for me.
yet i add another sweetener,
and i call you again.

i am unattractive, and i know this.
it's because i can't make myself smile.
it doesn't feel right.
i am unattractive, and i know this.
it's because i can't laugh like i used to.
what is there to laugh at?
i am unattractive, and i know this.
it's because i haven't forgiven him.
i wear the hurt on my face, and i know this.
it's because there isn't room inside for the hatred.
i am unattractive, and i know this.
it's because sometimes i just can't believe that i'm worth it.

i was scared that you would be like the rest.
i spent so much time trying to make you prove you were,
i failed to realize that you were different.

we sat in the neighborhood and watched the sky.
we talked about god, why i didn't believe.
you explained to me why you did.

i don't know where i'm at right now,
because it's been so long and you're still mad.
(but i am too)

i don't know what i'm trying to say,
and i know that you'll never see this.
i'm just having a bad day and i decided to pray...

you brought me to something i never thought i'd see,
i don't know if it's God, but i know i believe in something.
because whatever's up there brought you to me
when i needed you more than anything.

i told you that you saved my life.
i meant that.
i loved you then, i love you now, and i'll love you forever.
i just wanted you to know that.

Skeleton's smiles haunt me.
They're so open, big,
and free.
They know what life has brought them,
*and that's how i want to be.

first came the warnings.

"maybe you shouldn't..."

then, sloppy reassurances that you were fine...

...that we were fine.

then, swerving in and out of lanes--

just like neither of us could make up our minds.

bright lights invaded your eyes,

and that's exactly how it felt when i learned the truth...

it hit me.

and -- inevitably --

*we crashed.

there is a burn hole where you bear-hugged me
and the cherry from my cigarette fell onto my favorite shirt.

i was angry then.

i wear it now.

i said, "please don't do whatever you're about to do."

i threw a rock on a frozen pond today--
just to see what it would do.
funny, isn't it,
that as the stone shattered the fragile ice
all i could see was you.

*you shattered me.

there is a space in your hand
where mine used to fit,
and a small space in your heart
where our love just didn't.
i know it doesn't mean much,
but i hated to see you cry.
and i know its much too late,
but you helped me touch the sky.
do you remember how i'd sing for you?
i learned all your favorite songs.
and now i can't forget them,
they meant too much for far too long.
if you find yourself forgetting,
please close your eyes and count to ten.
take a deep breath, smile,
and let the memories flood back again.

i don't believe in luck
(or god, or love, or you.)
i believe only what i feel,
and every day that's something new.
they refuse to use my lighter
because it's white (so very white)
all i have to say is,
does it matter -- the source of light?

you say you want to help me, but its just a waste of our time.
my pain gets you paid, every few seconds is a dime.
but i could sit here for hours, just sit here and think.
its your silence, not mine, that pushes me to the brink.
i want to reach out, to scream in your face.
but somehow i feel like that isn't my place.
you sit there and smile, like i should be glad.
you don't realize its you that makes me so mad.
your legs remain crossed, like my arms over my chest.
if we could just solve one single problem, we could solve all the rest.
but we sit here unmoving, barely breathing, in anger.
if only, if only my life weren't in danger.
suddenly, a thought seeps into my head.
what if i just spoke? i wouldn't seem so dead.
so i lift up my eyes, and stare straight into yours.
this simple gesture, seemed to open up the doors.
you crash into me with a wave of questions, expecting answers and reasons.
but i cant give you them, my feelings change as quickly as the seasons.
i open my mouth to object your forthcoming, find myself telling my story.
you lean in to hear it all, details minute and details gory.
with every new sentence, i almost shout.
my new-found strength found a way to drown the pain out.
now i call you every sunday, just to make sure you're okay.
it used to be so different, i dreaded seeing you everyday.
when you have something to tell me, i listen to it all.
just like you were there for me, through the big things and the small.
i never saw it then, but its clear as day now.
you were always listening, its just that i didn't know how.
you read my eyes, when they were the only things speaking.
they absolutely betrayed me then, my story that they kept leaking.
i stood alone in my time of need, and blamed everyone but me.
nobody understood i was hurting, but just couldn't plea.
i know to appreciate everything life throws at me these days.
and i know how to deal with them in so many ways.
i look at my scars, the ones he put there in the worst ways he could.
i know i could cover them, and i wish that i would.
but i no longer wear them as an embarrassment, a badge of shame.
i know that he did it, and he's the one to blame.
i stopped taking my pills, i wanted you to know.
i want to be truly happy, i wanted something to show.
i smile on my own now, each and every day.
its because you listened, that i can finally say.
i made it to serenity, and now im really okay.