i can't remember the last time i cried
i just recall crying way too much
so much, that i'd stay days red eyed
some days, hysterical, without his touch.

pathetic is what my ego would call me
for i was nothing without a man
embarrassed is what i'd feel because, i too could see,
i was nothing without this man.

i had a dream of myself: lost, my body: bare.
i had a dream about me in the shadow
truth be told, that dream was a nightmare
but i was just too weak, too naive, to even think so.

then i had a dream that i wasn't alone
this dream was of him and I
truth be told, if my heart was made of stone
i'd tell him, when i woke from that dream, i cried.

i can't remember the last time i was sad
i just recall being way too depressed
but now when night comes and i lay down my head,
i dream of myself: happy, solus, and yet, still undressed.

"when your flower blossoms
the bees will come **** you dry
only to drip their sweet honey
onto another woman's tongue"

we entered the empty hall.
we were a little too late.
the lights fell onto us.
we both froze over in a stalemate.

a sad love song played over
the wicked cupid used us as pawns
for i'd have never given you my hand
had i'd known you'd soon be gone

but you smiled at me so kindly
i had never seen a smile so bright
i smiled back politely
naive me thought the timing was just right.

our bodies pressed perfectly together
we both swayed to the beat of our hearts
our eyes kissed, our heels clicked.
heaven knew we played our parts

but the little lights began to dim,
and the love song, soon after, died.
we were two slow dancers
thus too slow, from time, to hide.

his hands feel warm and gentle.
his heart beats steadily.
his breathing is forever even.
his eyes are ocean calm.
his lips are soft...or are they rough?

love makes me faint.
it feels heavy on my shoulders.

she won't stop crying
she says you did her wrong

she saw right through your lies
but she still chose to play along

now she is bruised
she sings an irregular song

now she is empty
because, with all her love, you have gone.

the warmest kiss from the softest lips.
the finger tips tracing stars on my hips.
the sweetest song of my name he'd sing.
my angel boy with a severed wing.
i have mended the wing, he has risen from the fall.
now he is but only a memory i wish to never recall.

the hardest part of watching you leave is that you never really left at all
i still feel your teeth nib my bottom lip
i still slow dance to our song
i smell you in the flowers from that summer in your dad's car
i see your sweet boyish smile on crescent moon  when i wish for your return upon a star.
the hardest part of watching you leave is not
looking for you in different people and pretending that that’s okay
the hardest part of watching you leave is not knowing why you never stayed.

i opened up my garden to you.
i pulled out all the weeds for you.
i let the seeds be planted by you.

you have abandoned my garden for hers
when all my flowers have bloomed for you.
and now i'll shower my garden with love, alone, from me.

how could i not take a bite into you?
with a presence like yours, so inviting.
i am in a garden filled with the sweetest fruit,
yet, why is it only you that i'm wanting?
your tainted juice drips down my finger tips,
the taste of guilt on my tongue still remains
and so does the sin that manifests within my soul,
and yet, i bite into you again.

you open the jar, it's almost empty.
but you continue to eat out what's left of it.
you lick every corner, stick your fingers in when needed.
the sickening sweetness taints your tongue.
and when you're done, you close the jar,
you look into my eyes and say:
"Babe, you taste so good."

she tells me i'm obtuse.
she screams you deserve better.
as i'm sat, idle, on his bed.
as he slips off my sweater.

my heart is claustrophobic
my heart is scared of heights
she sleeps with the lights on
she gets overwhelmed by the night
with its judging moon and its boasting stars
the lurking shadows, the quiet dark
there is so much she fears
so so much that makes her convulse.
her worst fear, however, is the fear of falling in love.

i whisper i love you
it's soft but sincere
the feeling is true
but you pretend to not hear.

how could you?
how could you
pry open my legs
then my heart
then all my
many other
disposable parts?

i'll stop waiting for you to come back.
i'll stop searching for the boy you used to be.
i'll sip the bitter coffee entitled our sweet memories.
i'll connect the stars into your heart that once beat for me.
i'll look you in the eyes
with which held a soft spoken gift,
now, paled to an empty void
endlessly adrift.

two lips pressed against one another
unmoving
in the hope that this moment in time
this feeling
remains unforgotten
unchanged
forever branded into their conjoined hearts
that are soon to be divided by a border they call distance.

"i am right, you are wrong."
he throws me in a golden cage.
"i know what's best for you."
he locks me in it.
"don't you wish for happiness?"
he turns the light to dark.
"if so, then, i am the key."
i'm (not) free.

i am a liar.

he ***** his pale lips, trying to bring back some colour.
he cuts his wrists in hope that his red blood can paint the white canvas.
he punches his face wishing that the fresh bruise shines through the dark
he doesn't sleep at night as the black rings form around his eyes.
he cries every single day but nothing ever goes his way.
until he sees her, she smiles at him.
she wipes his tears.
she helps him sleep.
she healed the bruises.
she kissed his scarred wrists and even his pale lips too.
colour filled the room.

i don't smoke
but sometimes i do put a cigarette between my lips.
it is not because i am my father's daughter,
it is because it reminds me of your kiss.
so warm,
so raw,
so very suffocating.
the taste of the i love yous
and the goodbyes
of a dying cancer patient.