so immersed was I
in my dreams
I forgot that the sky
was perhaps more empty
than full of my being
that clouds weren't real
my fingers scarring through them
and when the sun woke
I was sleeping still then
to be made in the dark
in the moonlight when
I was not there yet
but I was afraid of them
every whisper I could not hear
the rain I could not bear
falling from an empty sky
full of stars
from am endless horizon
painted with scars
and I remember watching
the mountain crumble
I remember walking
in a boundless december
tasting the winds of winter
echoing the last summer
when I was not cold
when I was still who I was
the man in the mirror
only a child without life
on the edge and alive
now I let go
of everything
with every melancholic breath
and now I realize
perhaps it was all
in my head
every door and wall
every tear that falls
I wish someday I can forget
what I never came to know
as they put me to rest
it was all in my head
they were all inside my head

"what are you doing kid , let go'
Man , i was just five i didn't know
That everything dies when it out-grows
Its number of years that life bestows
On them to breathe and live
Now that I'm older
i still haven't learned to forgive

_________





"close your eyes and pray to god"
My strong momma always taught
But no matter how much we prayed
The hand of life reached us not

"he's just busy because so many pray"
I heard her whisper to me everyday
In her arms with a smile so pretty
But her pretty smile never did stay

"don't hate him , he'll be here "
I searched for him everywhere
And in time i started to realise
That this god never did care

"where are you going , leaving me"?
I never ever even turned back to see
'cause her eyes would have stopped me
But i was determined to find him for me

"what are you looking for, said the old man"
Sitting by the brook near an old stone
Something in his eyes told me he would understand
Whispered to me my every bone

I told him i was looking for god
He just stared at me like he heard nothing at all
I whispered again "im looking for god"
At the same time cold rain began to fall

He finally spoke"come , I'll show him to you"
And we started to walk to a wooden shack
The day got dark and it was a bleak view
Scared , I just wanted to turn back

He invited me in with a smile
The door opened with some noise
Something in his eyes told me to stay
Either way i really had no choice

Inside that shack there was nothing but dark
And he told me to look in the direction of his finger
"there , look there , closely and you will find him my dear"
I turned around and there was nothing but a mirror

In chaos you can hear-
The silence you never heard,
Lay down your sword,
And let it be gone like a bird.
For the lessons were plenty,
But you were too blind to learn.
Kept your eyes ever closed,
In a hope that fire wouldn't burn.
Now the ashes howl again-
For them bones have turned to dust.
And you kept asking that silence,
But it never spoke a word.
Fed your dreams to the merchant
-it was getting hard to fall asleep.
Watched them be sold and disappear,
And told yourself-
They were too many to keep.
So the heart went barren,
Every scar ceased to bleed.
The mourners began to disperse,
And the ghosts began to leave.
There you saw the silence,
Left behind by trail of the departed.
And you stood alone in the misery
-in dark so comfortable and guarded.
None to hear you wither,
And none to see you drown.
There is nobody out there for you,
No matter-
How much you turn around.
The skeleton has but perished,
Nothing remains buried inside
The key to the depth is lost,
And the door is open too wide.
Rotten carcass lays beneath-
All the layers that were yet to hide.
And the sun never holds the dead,
So the dirt was taken by the night.
And there beyond the wilderness-
In the meadows it was sowed.
Along the edge of the shadows,
Where the river of blood flowed.
And there it was made,
One tree bearing the fruit of despair.
The roots have but spread,
Along the veins and everywhere.
And then you taste the reaping,
Sweeter than any of your lies.
In the noise of the silence,
You bid your final good-bye.
A reflection tears past the surface,
And then you close your eyes.
In mirror echoes the silence,
As you watch yourself slowly die.

Once upon a time,
I saw the angel cry.
I stood there mesmerised,
And I never asked why.

I thought I had found,
The most beautiful sight.
Oh, I stood there in her awe,
As I saw the angel cry.

Her wings spand the moon,
And eyes like stars in the sky.
I thought I heard her whisper,
As she slowly bade me good-bye.




Oh, my years felt so old,
My life so much away and far.
And then when she disappeared,
I realised she gave me a scar.
Oh, those winds were so cold,
That night so lonely and dark.
I don't recall what happened,
But I know I lost my heart.




That moment still haunts,
I was afraid to look in her eyes.
Now that I think of it,
those tears never did dry.

We just stood in silence,
I don't remember when I died.
I woke up and searched for her
But there was only sun-rise.

that's all I remember,
Of that one lonely night.
I thought I saw a dream,
Where I saw the angel cry.



Oh, my years felt so old,
My life so much away and far.
And then when she disappeared,
I realised she gave me a scar.
Oh, those winds were so cold,
That night so lonely and dark.
I don't recall what happened,
But I know I lost my heart.

Everything that I feel today
Hides somewhere in my past
I try but it just won't go away
I can feel breaking of my heart

There's so much Inside
But I've got nothing to say
Every whisper that I hide
Makes me not want to stay

What of these cold desires
When my dreams are no-more
Sometimes I can't feel the fire
Maybe I can't get hurt anymore

Of all those morning blues
That clings to me ever-more
Every night I dream of you
Now every memory is cold

I feel like I don't belong
In this world I was born
I watch it pass me by
And I am left so alone
There's no hand to hold
As I walk to the edge of it all
There's a noose around my neck
I hope it breaks my fall


Everything that I know
Is the unknown to my eyes
As I wander along and away
I build a home in my lies

I tried to hold on
But the chains scared my hand
In silence I was gone
And nobody could ever understand

Every promise is broken
As I tear a hole in my skin
Every door now is open
But I'm still trapped within

In my own induced illusion
I see what never was
My life is now a confusion
Never been this lost



What have I become
Just an unfamiliar face
In the mirror I seek someone
But can't see through this haze
There's nothing to hold now
As I walk to the edge of it all
My eyes are lost and blind
But I can still see me fall

Its not that hard to take a life






I wake up and see no mirror
Reflection has never been that kind
My mornings just for her
In the evening I'll make some rhymes
Strong crave for caffeine
Now i 'gotta leave this bed
I try to stand up
But there's heaviness in my head
I realise I'm still hung-over
Man , shouldn't have been that wasted
But he said it was fine Colombian
The best i have ever tasted
That party was out of control
Hit after hit and than some *****
Now i feel so much better
I needed to break loose
The morning newspaper Lies on the table
Housekeeper must have left it there
To get up I'm finally able
Music of sunshine now i can hear clear
'thirteen dead in an accident when Their vehicle went off the cliff'
Said the last tiny column on the newspaper page
'Celebrity releases another *** tape - a hit'
Screamed the head lines at my face
Yeah , humans die all the time
Celebs don't release *** tapes everyday
In the honour of the departed
All the chaps are 'gonna download it today
So much for the news ,
Man i need my coffee now
The pain in my head killing me
I hate this sunshine song
A different feeling begins to take over
No , not so soon , not again
Let go of me you monster
I don't even know your name
I walk to the kitchen
Man i hate this coffee so much
I need something stronger
Lets go in the refrigerator and search
Yes, the old jack ,
this will do
I look in the mirror
"stop screaming , you"
I'll be over soon , you pig
I'm your alter ego
Accumulation of
all the sins you've did
I'm trapped inside my own body
Man i feel like an *******
I hate it when i can't pull the strings
I always want to be in control
Man , I'll die for some coffee
Just one sip and I'll be fine
I'll teach that ******* a lesson
Beat that stupid swine
Forgot he's me ,
Than Maybe just a slap
'gotta meet my doc again
And tell him his pills are crap
Such a fine day it was
For a moment it was normal
My folks they could never understand
Always brushed it off as hormonal
Now they sleep forever in their grave
Police said it was hit and run
But i know better than that
Sometimes I think i was the one
Not me
but my alter-ego
Or is it still me
Man, i don't know
I'm more confused than i was
I thought pills will do their job
But now this monster is out of control
He has no idea when to stop
The bottle of jack is finished now
I'm finally in my senses but feeling down
This bump in the road is just too big
And i know can't turn around now
Years and tears of rehab
And I'm worse than i was
Instead this disease found me
Now i feel so lost
In this chaos
There's not a moment of solitude
World doesn't understands me
Marks me off with a pathetic attitude
Maybe it is for the better
As i put the bullets in my gun
No need for a letter
I don't have anyone
I put it close to my head
Letting go of my last breath
But a smile spreads across my face
And i point it towards the window instead







Its not so hard to take a life when you've nothing to lose..

To my beloved grandpa who died a couple of days ago, I miss you.




The one who opened my eyes,
I saw him slowly go blind.
The one who made me who I am;
I now cannot find.
The one who taught me-
Of the world and so much more.
The one who loved me,
And the one I loved-
I know he's now no more.

And I slowly swallow my pain,
As I let them tears dry.
I wish I could see again-
To hear you call my name,
Had a chance to say my good-bye.

As I remember how it used to be,
I can almost hear your voice.
Now I swallow this reality,
Perhaps, it was destined to be,
Either way; we never have no choice.

You taught me who I am,
And I learned from you my all.
Now from where I stand-
I hope one day I will understand,
Why those tears could never fall.

And in every tale you ever told,
I find myself walking in them.
Guess every breath took its toll,
I hope you're not too cold;
I'll remember you from back then.

I will cherish your every memory,
More than your picture on my wall.
I don't know if it's a tragedy-
Nothing is forever meant to be,
I promise, I will remember your all.

I want to hold you one last time,
But now you're so far away.
And as I dig deeper; I find-
That you've always been mine,
And I'll always have our yesterday.

You'll be at home in my heart-
Always, and a part of my soul.
Every story from end to start,
I'll always be there to guard,
For without you I'll never be whole.

Of all those sweets you gave,
This one tastes bitter the most.
And I know there'll be no grave,
I'm afraid one day you'll fade-
Only to be another ghost.

But I'll remember your face,
As I did, when I was only a child.
I know you won't leave a trace,
As when you leave this place-
That has been yours all this while.

I promise I will keep you alive,
For I know this cannot be the end.
Don't worry; I'll be alright,
For I have you by my side-
And I'll miss you my dearest friend.

Wish someone had told me ,
That I would've  known
Life is so beautiful
And i wouldn't be left alone

All those scars will fade away
All the pain would be gone
I wish someone had told me
Wish I had known

at times when I thought I was weak
Well those moments made me strong
Wish ,Someone had told that 'freak'
A moment you lived is a moment gone

that self-harm was stupid
Even though it felt so real
Concentrating on just the pain
Never figuring out what we really feel

That the wounds will heal
For a purpose I was born
And it's not the weight of the world I bear
Just my own

And no one was to be blamed
For the emotional wreck I turned out to be
You shouldn't forget the world for a name
And be so blind that others can't see

All those nights spent crying and cutting
It all looks so point-less
What the **** was I  mad about ?
I haven't  even seen the world yet

That I loved too soon
And learned too late
True love is pure
sometimes one has to wait

That losing someone is a part of life
You have to take that in stride
It'll all make sense after a while
To have patience and not act vile

That the haters will hate without a name
To be yourself there's no shame
Hate and love is part of the game
Few words cause no harm , one shouldn't feel stained

You will find what you seek
If you don't , you didn't try hard enough
That life can be cruel at times , unequal and rough

But you 'gotta take things head-on
You have to be that strong
In Admitting your defeat once in a while
There's nothing wrong

That life can be like weather
At times sunshine , sometimes rain
And even if life knocks you down
It shows you the way to rise again

Wish someone had told me ,
That I would've  known
Life is so beautiful
And i wouldn't be left alone

I breathe her.
I need her more than I want her.
I want her more than I need her.
I love her more than I could have ever loved, and yet I love her more.
She is my dream, my dream is her.
More than I can spell or whisper, paint or write..
She's more than a wish.
my light, dim and bright.
She's more than I could have ever imagined.
She's more beautiful than a winter's morning.. More hypnotic than an Autumns breeze.
She's my spring today and forever.. She's the summer I will never forget.
The only one I'll ever keep.

Waiting , endless nights carved on walls
Head phones blaring , a moment to forget it all
Cancelling out noise the world makes
He just wants to be alone and cold
Never listening to what they're saying
He never does what he's told

Their words never make sense
How can he smile when he's too afraid of  what lies beyond
His eyes always searching for solitude
At the end of the street where he thinks he belongs
He never opens his mouth if it's not in a song
In words , where he carves his heart of stone
Where he's not afraid to show his every bone

And You want to talk about butterflies
But he ate them when he was eight
You want to see shine in his eyes
But all he has for you is just pain
Everyone has a different story
Maybe you never grew up in hate
You don't know what those eyes see
Every moment in their mindless wait
For someone to come and smoke away this haze

He pours his heart out for you
And  all you do is laugh at how hurt he is
Just 'cause you don't understand
Doesn't gives you a right to scream how shallow he is
Maybe he is , ever wondered what made him this way ?
Maybe everyone else can see the 'colours'
But what if all he can see is grey ?

I know it's too hard to digest
But depression isn't something you can feel if you never had one
I'm not talking about the 'emo phase'
But the real one ,
Have you ever even come across someone ,
With no life in his eyes and no colours on his heart
I bet you've never seen someone just tearing himself apart
'cause he's too lost in this disease
I know it hard for you to believe
But pain is the only thing that brings them alive
The only healing balm in their twisted little life

Tell me how will you feel when you all you can think about is hurting yourself
You won't even last a minute in the dark places where these 'kids' dwell
They've seen enough of hate and their share of those 'stares'
So when you come across that 'someone' real or not
At least show a little care
For you may never know how your words can affect these little souls
All it takes is a moment of love to bring  them back on the road


Longer the story is , more is their desire for an embrace
So just show them kindness and don't bring forth your ugly face
The one you think makes you look better than you are
No , your mindless blabbing about something you know nothing about
Won't make you look smart
For all it will do is make that blade more sharp
And it will have your name on it as someone rips themselves apart


Kids will always look for attention , maybe it's their curse
Maybe some of them are just plain stupid , to use these words
Maybe  they don't realise that their 'story' is someone's else life
I condemn you too , for you can never find love in lies
You talk about razors but I can see you know nothing about them
All you have ever scarred yourself is just with a tiny little pen
And 'cause of you , they pounce on everyone with a blade
Anyone who says he likes playing with a gun
Maybe you'll smile to yourself when that gun finally goes off
Sometimes death is too easy and you know what ,
Sometimes it Doesn't even knocks


I've seen too much but I've heard too little
Every fool claims to be wise , claims too see every word as a lie
But again I guess you've never see true misery ,
Every word still misses your eyes
You've never come across real nothingness
And the question 'do you even want to be alive'
For these 'kids' may yet have a chance at a wonderful life
You're job is not to degrade them but to open their eyes

I've said too much but I know you'll hear what you want to
These things are all 'fake' that's what you want to say
Now , don't you ?
You've never seen out of that window at the setting sun
guess you don't like the view
Maybe if you could you can see there's an army of creatures
Coming right at you.


Can you spot the 'kid with a razor'

An old man cries in a home
Bleeding all alone
Young plays in the woods
There'll be no dawn
A monster hides inside a man
Whispering for a lost cause
Beauty lay dead and cold
Covered by the moss
Sin looks for ugly
Creed Is his greed
A saint preaches words
And words breed
An army of cold eyes
Marching on every night
Breaking every wall
That stands against its might
An island engulfed in flames
Oh , water so nigh
Tears lost to an ocean
Can't even cry
No bird without wings
Dosent matter if one can fly
You can fly in your dreams
Dosent meant you can fly
And kiss goodbye
All hope is lost
And now it's time to die
Without a fight
Only the forgotten tries
A home broken and ruined
By the years and cold
Outlived the ones who lived
And lost its soul
Dragons fly in yesterday's
Tommorow is for man
Stories written and lost
Stories he didn't understand
History is a mystery
Not knowing a misery
Hidden but still free
Beauty is so ugly
And ugly so faithful
Better friend than foe
Young is so fast
And the old so slow
But where did the young go
Without a direction he runs
Old sits back and enjoys
The warmth of the fading sun
And can guns Destroy
If its not for the man
Man in ocean  , man on moon
There isn't a place where he didn't stand
And whisper his hatred
While holding a gun naked
And ghosts hoot for the mother earth
In a hope she'll make it
But stranger knows she's already dead
God knows 'cause he's in his head
Animals can't know for they're too bored
But science knows she's not dead but just unwell
From a bad disease  
Called human specie
And when he's destroyed
She can re-grow freely
And the old sings the songs
Few words for his  legacy
About the green and old mountains
That the young did not see
They left nothing for the young
Now that the old songs been sung
Lets all get numb and dumb
And **** for fun

His hands search for comfort
Lying by the road in chaos and dirt
Eyes still searching the sky
To find the last glimpse of his hurt
Her eyes speak to the night
She's scared of every passer by
She never wants to be lost in shadows again
Fading like the stars in the sky
His old cane is all that's left  
Shoulders weak by the lifes debt
A pond of tears he always knew ,
Further from home , where he quietly wept
Her aging arms wrinkled
Her face now old and stained
grace lost to the memories
Mirror will never be a friend again
He plays with his toys
Shy , with a smile too coy
Wears his heart on his sleeve
For he's just a boy
Her eyes quickly ****** a look
fairytales begins to whisper in her head
they say, First love is true
She knows , she'll never forget
They smiled and yet again
Hands couldn't find the way
Fingers left alone and cold
Hoping for a new day
A fading moonlight keeps them awake
In each others arms , still so numb
Warmth escapes their union
What has distance made them become
He knows they didn't forget
But why is it so hard to remember
She knows they're in love
Then why is it that they're not together  
Forgotten, yet still haunted
They walk alone but never far
In dreams and tomorrows
A flame that keeps burning in their heart

He smiled , she smiled
World forgotten with just one kiss
An aura of lust and love
Forming clouds of eternal bliss
Her hands finds his
A vow made to never let go
He looks in her eyes one last time
And they know..


-They'll always be in that moment
No matter how much it hurts
For they've tasted
the kiss of love

24-march-1981

Hey sweetheart, it's been a while and I know you are depressed,
Sometimes it takes some time before you can move on and forget.
I wish I could've been there for you but that's not my only regret,
How is our little girl, do you still sing to her like I did,
Before you put her to bed ?.
I've been busy lately, there's just so much goin' on inside my head,
It's been so hard and I've been so stressed lately that sometimes--
I even forget to take a breath.
The time is ugly and I miss your pretty face whenever anger begins to swell,
Last night I tried to take my life, climbed over a chair and put on a belt,
But somehow I don't know how, it didn't work out when I fell
And I am sorry, I wouldn't do it again, I don't ever wanna feel,
How at that moment I felt.
I am sorry I left you guys alone, but know this that I'll never leave you,
I know it's been a ride but yesterday I had a dream and we did pull through,
You wore the black dress you wanted but I didn't have the money to buy,
I am sorry I couldn't get you things, I always hate myself for being that guy,
We are good people, don't you think ?
God doesn't answer our prayers no more and I don't know why,
I pray to him everyday, I want to buy you guys the world before I die.
Oh, it's about time already, I have to leave, see you soon, loads of love.
Good-bye.

3-april-1981

I got your letter yesterday, you sound better then you did a month before,
I hope you are doin' fine, I don't want you to get in trouble no more.
I don't want to speak about your suicide attempt, I have no words in store,
I hope you never think of it again, get those thoughts out of your core,
If not for me, for our daughter at least, I know you won't, I am sure,
Remember we have no one else but you, don't lock away our only Door.
Our little girl is growing way too fast, you should see her before she does,
She doesn't wants me to sing to her, she wants you,
So I don't sing to her anymore.
It's gettin' hard to pay the bills, it kills me to ask you,
But when are you sending the money, winter is around the corner--
And it's getting cold.
They say the winter is going to be the coldest in a decade,
I saw it yesterday on the news report.
I am saving some money, will buy our princess a new coat.
Don't you feel down, we love you with all our heart,
I miss you so much, I miss the way you could make me laugh.
Money is never important, but I guess we have nothing else either,
I still need some time to forgive you and forget what you did,
I don't sleep in our room no more, I still imagine you inside her.
But I guess I don't hate you anymore, I understand mistakes happen,
And out of 'em all, you deserve a second chance more than anyone else,
You were always and always will be a fighter,
I trust you with our lives, they say in darkness even a spark looks so brighter,
I know it's been a ride but we just have to sit it out and hold each other a little bit tighter,
So, I'll wait for your letter, take care of yourself,
I hope things will change now for the better.



17-june-1981



Things are getting bad over here, they are cutting men off,
I don't know if I'm going to be the next, so I am putting in more hours,
I don't know when it's all gonna' stop.
Sometimes I don't sleep all night, I just go out and walk,
It's good here in the city ya' know, every one minds their own business and nobody comes over to have a talk.
I went to a seminar yesterday, it was good ya' know,
The man on the stage told us we should be happy with what we've got
And then there were people crying about the loved ones they have lost,
It got me thinking, what a fool I am, I have you guys and that means alot,
Nothing would mean anything to me if I don't have you guys,
I just want you to know how much I love you guys and want to be with you no matter what the cost.
By the way I sent some money, I hope it would pay all the bills,
If some gets left over, I want you to buy something for yourself, promise me you will.
I know I hurt you so much and the scars need some time to fill,
But you know I love you and I know you love me still.
I don't wanna talk about it today, it makes me feel so sad,
Past couple of days were no good either, i guess I'm going mad,
I never knew things will turn out this way and the time will get this bad,
All I can do is dream about the good times we could have had.
Life is slipping away and every day we are getting old,
Why don't we learn about how much life *****, why is that we are never told.
I don't want rest of my life runnin' around and chasin' gold.
I want to come home and kiss you when I want, touch you and hold,
I hope it gets better after we die, I hope we have a soul,
This world is ******' trash and it swallows everything like a black-hole,
It takes away a father from his daughter, and husband away from his wife,
Dumps you in a ******' garbage land and expects you to survive,
God, it's been so long and all I want is to feel alive,
I am goin' out for a walk, I don't want to make you more sad, kisses to our princess, good-night.


26-june -1981

It's okay to be sad, it's okay to feel hurt and pain,
But it's not okay to just cry about it and complain,
Who are you so angry on, who else should be a part of our blame ?
Tell me, I need a name!.
Life is no fairytale, I have learned to accept it and now I am awake,
I hope you do too, before the lights go out and you have nowhere else to run,
You give up so easily, why do you think everyone else is havin' fun ?
Natalie lost her child a few weeks back, Stan lost his home,
We have both, don't we ? why do you think we are on our own ?
I get it, sometimes all this misery can make you feel alone,
But that doesn't mean you should give up everything and mourn,
C'MON don't give up now, remember when our daughter was born ?
They said she wouldn't make it, but she did, she didn't give up and neither will you for our home.
I know it will get better, most of all, you deserve it more than anyone else,
Even when the goin' got tough, you never once asked for help,
And I am proud of you, as I should be, and you should be too for yourself,
Like every other time, we only get stronger, after all the stuff we have dealt,
I admit, it feels like we're in a ******' hell,
Fate is not in our hands, but we can do our part and give all we have, it will make a difference I promise, someday we might hear them bells.
I don't have anything else to say, I hope you write back soon,
When you take a walk tonight look at the moon, I'll be looking too.

















12-November-1998

Hey Tim, I know we are getting married in a month but I still miss you so so much,
Wish you were her with me tonight, so I could kiss and touch.
But that's not why I am writing you this letter to make myself feel better.
I wanted to tell you about how I feel about it all,
Do you remember that painting I put on the wall ?
I made it when I was six, it was getting colder and it was in midst of fall.
Dad had gone away and mom and me were struggling to survive,
I was crazy too, not a day went by when I didn't pull of a tantrum and fight.
I wanted dad to sing to me every night, see his face before switching off the lights.
I didn't like mom that much, she always scolded me no matter what I did,
But i guess i didn't understand then, i was just a kid.
It was hard when I was growing up, sometimes we had a place and no food,
Other times we had food but no place of ours and trust me that wasn't cool.
I was always the odd one out and everyone made fun of me at school,
I hated my parents for that--
Oh, I was such a fool.
Dad worked night and day just so we could have food on the table every night,
Both my parents never got through high school, and got married when mom got pregnant and was thrown outside--
Of her home inspite of the fact she was the only child.
My dad left his home to support my mom against the wishes of his family,
They were so happy when I was born, they never treated me like a tragedy,
No matter how tough the times got, how low they got, they gave all they could to me happily,
They held me close and away from the gloomy reality.
I still remember how those years went by, for me it was just a blink of an eye
But to them it was a lifetime of hardship and pain,
But you know what they tell me ?
They would happily do it all over again.
They worked hard, both of them and things did change,
But you know what, they still remain the same,
Inspite of how far they have come and what they have achieved,
When it was too easy for them to leave, they stayed together,
Held my little hands and sheltered me no matter how bad was the weather,
I was all they cared about, nothing else never did matter,
They saved every penny for me, even though my dad had so many chances but he never left her.
You must be wondering why I am telling you all this now,
But today I found some old letters, in a box in the attic, now I understand so much better,
It made me sad for a while, but I guess it was a part of our life,
It made us who we are today, I wouldn't want it any other way either,
I don't know what to call it, but I know it makes me feel loved, crazy isn't it ?
To know how far they have come, and how their hard worked payed off,
It almost makes me want to believe in god but I don't have to,
That will only make my parents struggle look less inspiring, god didn't pull us through.
They did, and I owe my every breath to them,
I don't know what made me hold a pen, but I don't want them to know I found those letters,
So I am confessing all of this to you,
I will show them to you one day, when things get tough, maybe that'll help us to find our way,
For it made me realize one thing and one thing only,
Love stays red even if the world moves on to shades of grey,
I guess it all makes sense now, it's such a beautiful day.

Let the man love his man
Let the woman love her woman
its not yours , its their lifes
they're no animals , its their right
Loving can never be a sin
Love can never be immoral
A lover can never be a sinner
For love is eternal
So maybe it's time to shut those mouths
No one wants your opinion , quit the shouts
It's their life not yours
Stop interfering in something you know nothing about

Let the man love his man
You don't have to judge
Let the woman love her woman
What is their crime: love ?

I wish I could tell you
Everything that's in my heart
About all those little things
That break me apart
Words in my tale
That I never spoke
And these empty pages
On which I've never wrote
Of everything that hurts
And eats me from inside
I wish I could tell you
Why is that I still hide
From everything I've seen
And all that I've known
What it takes to be who I am
And why I am still so alone
I wish you could find me
And I wouldn't have to be so lost
All the bridges that I've burned
And all the oceans I've crossed
To reach where I am today
In this barren land so cold
In years that have rained on me
I've never felt more old
I wish I could tell you
About every moment I'll ever live
And about the lake I drown in
With every tear I'll ever give
I hope you'll understand
Every scream that you'll never hear
Time slips away like sand
In dreams that you'll never bear
I wish I could hold you
And be spent while you're near
I wish I could tell you-
One last time
But you are not here

they **** me in my dreams when I am weak
I keep myself from falling so I never fall asleep
so many monsters, that one ugly scar can breed
no sin more potent than this love can teach

**** me before I turn
wake me before I become
tell me before I burn
will she come if i reach


the tears of rotting angel have forgiven no one yet
I hear strange voices and stranger visions in my head
is it all because I've let myself someday forget
that dead people have never said a word to death


**** me before I turn
wake me before I become
tell me before I burn
will she come if i bleed


I have seen it all become ash and dust before
wish I could just eat myself and build a door
bleed over my guilt, and don't be who I am anymore
leave myself behind, to be now free ever more


**** me before I turn
wake me before I become
tell me before I burn
will she come if i leave

Today will be lost in pages
Dried ink and tears ,
Will speak - never again
Quite-ness for years
Melodies left in-between
Forever stuck in disguise,
Soothing yet full of sorrow ,
Whispers a broken cello ,
For the hands that played
Are old now ,
Songs are mellow
Time ran away
Far from these weathered hands
Lost and free ,
Finally alive in far away land
Haunted yet knowing
The cause for its demise ,
Ashes are buried too
Phoenix wont rise
Straight out of reality ,
sublime words ,
Beyond nightmares
A day unfurls
Whispers them-secrets
A cold breath
Leaving its print ,
To forget
And remind someday
When the pages are cometh upon
He was there ,
Singing the beautiful song.

As the sun begin to rise and the stars appear to fade
Her voice echoed in the fog , calling for a dark shade
She was dressed in white , purest of them all
Men and beast alike , she was lost in the fog
As she walked through the forest , the birds begin to sing
The flowers bloomed like never before and the trees started to swing
The forest came alive , from the presence of something dead
As she made her way through the forest , in search of one last breath
Her heart was full of sorrow and her mind was full of pain
As she walked through the gallows , in search of a forgotten name
The sun was slowly rising high and the fog begin to disappear
Frightened as she was , as calm she appeared
She closed her eyes and the tears begin to fall
Nurturing the land beneath , watering the small
Her hands reached out for someone , something to hold her back
But all she received in return was with black
She had brought along all she had and all she knew
She kept moving and the pain grew
She walked on and on , inside the deepest and the darkest of the wilderness
Her own darkness reflected upon the place
And now it was too dark to remember the face
Even the sun Coudnt penetrate the place she stood
And the birds stopped singing as if they understood
The flowers started losing the colours , as if mourning her cause
And everything stood still , so quite engulfed in the fog
Her legs stopped moving and she reached a Brooke
Shimmering in the dark , as she took a look
She looked down , deep inside the nothingness
All she could see was herself in the darkness
As she stepped inside , it started turning red
Bleeding like she always bled
And Ina moment it was all gone into a little of nothingness
She was covered in black , surrounded by darkness
And for the first time she was at peace
The sweet dreams were over and the nightmares would cease
She could see the sun , as she drifted away, slowly enlighting the world above
As she finally let herself go , in the name of love
She knew it'll be waiting on the otherside with open arms
And she was cold no more , she was at peace , so calm
Though she is gone , the forest can still feel her walk
But her tale is forgotten , lost in the fog

when you remember me my love
remember me as I was, and not who I became
it's an hour past mid-night, you're already by my side
won't you come in my dreams again ?
I've been so cold my love but no more
for you are here now, finally
so silently, as i hold you in my arms
I've been in love from the first time I saw you
but I've never been more warm
and now that you are gone
i can tell you everything I could never spell
so many reasons, scars and hurt
come along and i will show you ourselves
only an image in my mind
a voice inside of my head
something is still there in my heart, something not mine
i feel comfortable now, perhaps i am dead
won't you come and find me again
hold my hands and smile for me again
tell me, how do you ever swallow this pain
when every moment is stuck in time and repeating all over again

numb fingers don't burn
cold heart won't scream
what have we become
how long has it been
when you and i were in love
but now as i look back it seems  
we were dawn and dusk
and maybe it was all a dream
a clock ticks by magic tricks
what is gone shall never return
keeping tears hidden in mist
there are more things to burn

You're eyes are closing
It's hard to even stand now
Your head feel so heavy
And it feels like you're falling down

I reach out for you
Will you hold me one last time
Before I fall and break away
Will you tell me you'll always be mine

Sunshine screams at the winter
Struggles to remind us of the spring Where we were once young and free
Winter took away our wings

The flower lies dead in the vase
Forgotten as we forgot ourselves
Now there's no time to be alive
Love is gone and the pain has wept

Now we walk where nothing remains
Hollowed out of all it's life
Maybe we'll reach that crossroad once again
Where we'll finally leave behind this night

That haunts our sunshine
We're afraid to embrace its warmth
For it will now only burn
And now we're too fragile to even love

We'll keep on walking away
Till we feel each other no more
Further than the fading stars
At the end of the world were we can be alone

Away from the prying eyes
And the secrets they hide
We run as far a we can
From their tearful eyes

The sun is fading away
Sky is lost to the stars
We're bleeding as we walk
Leaving behind pieces of our heart








So we can find each other again




Can you hold me now
Tell me its 'gonna be alright
That i don't have to **** myself
You'll always be by my side

Will you look in the mirror
What do you see
Do you still see yourself
Or now its just me

Will you smile for me
So i can feel like i belong
In your arms all night
Will you take me along

Where you keep your secrets
Will you show me a part
So when its a gloomy day
I have something to keep me from falling apart

Will you dance with me
In the dark , one last time
So i can hold you once more
And never let you leave me behind

Will you tell me I'm beautiful
And its just the scars that are ugly
Will you give up all for me
And just love me

Can you still love me
Will you fall for a ghost
Lost in the darkness
Every word is so cold

Will you be cold too
When i hold you in my arms
Or will the ice do its magic
And make you feel warm


Will you reach out for me
Like i reach out for you
Will you ever love me
That way I've always loved you





we can still find each other again

my scars are deep
on my soul they feed
I can't eat, I can't sleep
all these voices on repeat
they make me bleed
and I find underneath
a monster that hides
in case that I die
there's no good-bye
the scars are wide
you can almost see the night
hollow and despite
a recipe for more lies
that are buried inside
they still scream, they still fight
and no one can hear my plight
that I cannot see the light
but oh, I cannot see the light
there's a darkness that fades
into the hollow I made
silence cuts like a blade
growing a darker shade
now that I'm not awake
but oh, now that I'm not awake
can I be in this dream with you forever?
I am losing you with every breath that I take...

charred guns and bones
burning upon the ground
in the deep of the woods
nothing but silence all around

no screams or whispers
dead people can't talk
the hunters have fled
angels had gone on a walk

men have been killing men
from the dawn of their birth
and they will **** them all
so us all can rest in dirt

even the one's with hearts
them mothers and children
everywhere there is a wall
and there's no place left to run

and in the noise of those guns
erasing yet another name again
all but the lords and their sons
everyone will bathe in this rain

do we know who we are
or that what we have become
monsters eating monsters
and we cheer for the one

those guns don't bleed
they melt by the rotting flesh
In all the poison we keep
we only ever bite ourselves

and fall asleep to never wake
in lullabies of screaming men
screeching metal tearing half
but no one listens to them

some are put to rest by guns
sometimes by an unmarked stone
someone's head is on a pike  
somewhere midst of charred bones

men dying for other men
falling asleep for the dream
not a tear to wave good-bye
for being the angels  
that they have been

only a slaute of the guns

At the dawn of humans
We were a clan of hunters and predators
Now we're just a bunch of *******
Self proclaimed gods and haters
We did learn to ****
But now its more about power than survival
We've always missed the fact
That love is vital
Millions have died because of our failure to understand
And million more will die at our hands
World will be far better off
Without this disease called 'man'
Everything he touches becomes gold and than dies
He's the mad one , come too close and he'll bite
Concrete playgrounds banishing all but him
And than stands and admires the murderous sight
Can't keep his own mother from dying
He scars her and stabs her repeatedly
Like a spoilt son he can't stop crying
About how she limits his capabilities ,
His abilities for destruction
So he found the wondrous stone
Now the mother waits in silence
As he rattles her every bone
We can build spaceships and conquer the oceans
But all we'll ever do is **** and destroy
To satisfy mans greed and hunger
All the resources of the world will be employed
And than some more
For he can never be truly satisfied
Like a black hole he'll **** it all
Not an ounce of light will escape
But in time he will fall
Not before he leaves it all on the brink of extinction
As the world forgets him as he rots
For the world has all the time in this world
And we don't

When the smoke leaves the sky
You will be able to see more clearly
There will be tears in your lovely eyes
I know you loved me ever so dearly

And if i get a chance to whisper
I will tell you all there is in my heart
You could see me like a mirror
Life was never supposed to be this harsh

All i wanted was to make you smile
To make you so proud of me
But the road i chose made me lost
In my illusion i couldn't see

Now hurt escapes my every breath
And it kills me that i made you cry
But i know you can still feel me
And you know that your son did try

You always did what you could
Loved me like there was no tomorrow
And if i could take back i would
That I was the one to give you sorrow




I know you still wait for me
Your eyes always at the door
I know you still have hope in me
But I've to disappoint you once more
I travelled so far away from you
And i was never ever truly gone  
It breaks me to break your heart
But Mama, i'm never coming home



We lived in a broken home
And you know life wasn't fair
You were never the same again
After the night dad disappeared

You always stood like a rock
But the cracks began to appear
There wasn't much to talk
With all the weights we shared

You always wanted to move out
But we never had any money
I grew up in that neighbourhood
Where no day was ever sunny

you always tried to warn me
But i was a rebel without a cause
I don't know what got in me
I just didn't knew how to stop

Now every chance has faded
And i don't have much time
All these years you waited
Its time to leave them behind




I know you still wait for me
Your eyes always at the door
I know you still have hope in me
But I've to disappoint you once more
I travelled so far away from you
And i was never ever truly gone  
It breaks me to break your heart
But Mama, i'm never coming home



You always taught me to love
But i grew up in so much hate
This life has been so rough
And now it's just too late

I know i can't make it
Wish i could say goodbye
Be in your arms once again
To see you before i die

Mama don't be sad
Now i can see my mistakes
I know you'll be mad
But now I'm truly awake


I won't die in hate
For i always had your love
I'll always be there
Just find me in the stars above

When the smoke leaves the sky
You will be able to see more clearly
There will be tears in your lovely eyes
But remember i loved you ever so dearly




Maybe in a different time
We could have been together
I would have come back to you
you wouldn't have to wait forever
I know you will still wait for me
Your eyes will be on that door
I would give up just anything
To be in your arms once more
I travelled so far away from you
But i was never ever truly gone  
It breaks me to break your heart
But Mama, i'm never coming home