.





people live inside me
and they talk

i close my eyes
so they don't find me

i don't know where
to hide me

but it's just me
in this box

and they hear
my every thought

i don't think
they like me

if i get too close
they bite me

i don't know how
to fight me

can you make
it stop ?

**** me





.

It's hard to say but no one's gonna' learn a danm thing anyway,
So let's pretend it's all a funny joke and it'll all go away
But hey, wait a minute listen to me, I want you to er...stay,
Well, it's tough talking to yourself and no one really ever comes my way
But I'll love to have a fight, get me some insight
How the alpha male reacts and I have no solid facts
In-fact I just got some emotions out of devotions sittin' on a dynamite
Of brutal almost mutual satisfaction we have when we diss somebody,
Maybe it's just me but I think everybody shares beef with somebody,
I like them kinda rare, them ***** and **** bare
Yeah, give them religious folks a *******' nightmare
But I don't really care if you wanna shoot me down with god,
I'll just pretend you just said something that rhymes with hot-dog,
Oh my god, never really got that catch-phrase,
And every-time I hear a girl screaming Jesus Christ,
While ridin' on my stick, well.. It's big I have nothing to hide
But back to the case, I always wonder.. What would joseph do,
I mean it could be anyone, me, your momma, or you
is that even a sin, Is there a place for them in hell
Dear, pope please do tell
that pointy hat is dope though,
Too bad I couldn't give a less **** about how many *** scandal you repel,
I always had an inclination to profanity, sort of mind alteration to reality
But quite frankly, I'm down making fun of myself
I guess it's just another opportunity to scream for help,
Hell, I don't know what I'm gonna' do, maybe call an attorney and sue
Here's a riddle to give you a *******,
What's red and not blue,
If you Ever find the answer bid your brains adieu.


I don't know what to say but this is a ****** tragedy
We're in a cage, trapped, we can never be what we want to be
Tuned into the the wonder-land, creating their own symphony,
They say we're the mad-men, always painting the world in a fantasy.
I don't know if they understand but dreams alter reality
Grabbed by both hands, too late to let go of this opportunity
Don't quit even though it's over, spill it in graffiti
To let the whole world know you don't give up so easily.


See, what I did there ?
Made it look like I did care, threw in some motivation crap,
It's just a trap, I swear
I talk so low about myself, sometimes I often forget I exist
But it kills me inside sometimes when I realize but I still can't resist
To diss and admit that I'm much better than so many of you and I'm so ashamed of it
It's like my ***** and your ****** just somehow never agrees to fit
I mean I'm just here typing away random **** and it'll still be better,
Then most awesome of your hits..
But.. I get it
People are so easy to offend and there's no way around it
So c'mon now, I know ya'll just waiting to pounce
And renounce everything I laid on the table,
I'm sorry I'm just highly unstable, give me my mental certificate
And put on a label that shows of I'm disabled,
Some of you must be goin' .. Ooo that's no thing to joke about,
Enough with your rants, my future kids won't like the way you shout and..
'People suffer from real mental disorders in the real world'
But hey... I have a problem too.. You know.. I hit my head and..
'STOP IT, in the name of the lord I command you..'
Please do
whatever you want, all I am saying is I have a real problem too...
'That's it, you're goin' to hell kid, you blasphemous pig"
.
.
Aight, that was uncalled for, I could have made a better metaphor
But I can't help it, could only find baby syrup in the medical score store,
And it's kinda cold though, I have a super cute android and she likes to blow..
And dry clean my house for me, I am a rich dude
I can afford totally afford a robot, I know it sounds rude
But it's six in the morning and I haven't slept all night
And I wasn't even mastrubating (Christian sin strike # -1)
It was fun just smokin' stuff and just hallucinating,
And suddenly there was a loud bang and it started raining,
.... ***** and more ***** and some wine,  it's basically ***** but whatever nevermind,
As long as you don't understand what I'm writing about,
I guess you'll be fine.



I don't know what to say but this is a ****** tragedy
We're in a cage, trapped, we can never be what we want to be
Tuned into the the wonder-land, creating their own symphony,
They say we're the mad-men, always painting the world in a fantasy.
I don't know if they understand but dreams alter reality
Grabbed by both hands, too late to let go of this opportunity
Don't quit even though it's over, spill it in graffiti
To let the whole world know you don't give up so easily.



See, what I did there ?
I made a long write even longer
and your patience to deal with inevitable even stronger
And you know how they day what can't **** you, make you stronger
Well, I'm afraid to break it down to you, it's a lie
I once saw a man being attacked by a wild cat and he survived,
Lost 5 fingers, one toe, half a ****, and  two eyes,
Kanye west, who the hell were you talking about ?
Something that doesn't kills you, makes you one step close to die
Hello, i mean you are just all ready to say good-bye
And things flash before your eyes and you regain your strength and you fight
And people are so glad that you made it out alive
It's just so Hollywood and has such a good vibe
But that's now how it happens, things get cut off
I know I'm over steppin', but I'm just a pessimist
Every time someone disobeys me, I cut my wrists
I throw tantrums now and then, just one rich spoil kid
Banging girls and what not, DON'T ENVY ME, I didn't ******' asked for it,
Your god have it to me. :)

















See what I did there ?
I just left it intentionally blank, I have to admire you though
How come you always express yourself so bland?
I mean do you assign dumb people to do your job and make a plan
What is it, what's the secret of your stupid expression
I need to *******' understand, how can so much ******* come from two boney hands ?
It's real stupid when everyone writes the same thing everyday
Man, just do away with ponies, and throw in some hints of grey
That's what I do and it kinda makes me look so serious and great
aight, you need to stop whatever that you're doing and meditate
Absorb every stupid thing you can feel in your environment and just radiate,
Then slowly lift your arms and strangle yourself to death,
Don't ******' retaliate.
That's how I feel when I go through those thoughts of yours,
Yeah bite me, get on all fours, like the ***** you are and facilitate
I know I'm being too hard but I'm on drugs and a broken heart,
Got these scars, made out with a stripper and kinda got too far
But apart from these little matters of faith and religion,
I don't think she had a problem with me until I did that part,
I guess it's never too easy to pull of a stunt in a sixty mine position,
When you're three feet too long and sixty mile too fast in a car.
I think that did it for me, i got a sense of reality and enough of free **** and virtuality,
Oh, it's just me and my humanity, fighting over who get's the opportunity
To point out similarities between you and the kid who lived down the lane,
Really old-school, liked them butterflies and everything vain
I mean I can do this over and over again, till I hit the sweet spot
Right between your thighs and send a message to your brain
.
.
I don't give a ****,
Never have and never will
There's so much space in my shoes
That you can never fill
You can walk in them sure
But it'll make you look like an idiot,
You ****
End of the story
PERIOD.

my hurt has a sinister ire
fire burning what had been sane
ashes and dust make a sapphire
I still feel the same again
****** my every desire
so I can only know the pain
more corpses on streets to hire
I am just one of the strange

i had something but no words to speak
all I could see was who left and came
in all of those lies I once let breed
i somewhere forgot my own name


i have died years ago but I am still awake
my heart is lost but I still hear my soul
I wouldn't know the monsters I have made
but I know the secrets I never told
by a lonely corner where I would wait
breathing more despair and cold
you wouldn't know how many scars it takes
to not remember who you are anymore

I'm not 'gonna talk about suicide because it's a ****** thing to do
I know life is pretty hard as it is but again I won't put the blame on you

I know you're not stupid, maybe I am
I scream at you so much but you just don't understand
What is your reason, oh you sad sad man
I know you're not a coward but again I know you can't take a stand

They told me that I was wierd and in the mirror they could see a creep
I put it all on myself and with bleeding wrists I did weep
And than I took a noose and made sure it wasn't loose
Never bothered with a suicide note, I was struck with blues
And than I died with not a tear in my eyes,
I left every moment just lurking beneath the sky
And than I met God and he told me that I was stupid
And I told him he was the one who burned me with a cupid

And he told me that he had planned for so much more
And I told him why did he not tell me all this before

And he told me, oh child you couldn't see through your blues
So give me all your pain now and i'll put the crown of blame on you

"you're no fool but again you were never wise ,
Bad things happen to good people and that was the reason of your demise"

"and if you had waited till sunrise you could have seen the smoke clear
Couldn't you just watch breaking bad and all that **** and waited a few years my dear"

-but god, all I did was to just die, what's all the fuss about, that I didn't try ?
I tried but I failed and than I failed again without even trying,
My life was nothing but a joke and the world around me was dying

Enough screamed the god " I am god   and I crown you as a fool, I don't need a reason, I have all the universe to rule,
I don't have to argue with you punk, oh you emo kids think you're all so cool!"

"i'll make sure you're never re-born again , i'll put it up with my crew"


-what did I do to desreve this wrath of yours,  you never lent me a blanket when I was feeling cold,
'he will help you' 'he's always here for you', I was always told ,
But now I can see you are not what you were , man look at those wrinkles you've grown old

Shut up for godsake screamed the god

-you raised me in a broken home, dad was drunk, mamma a *****
I was ***** when I was four, do I need say more?
Where were you when I was popping those pills,
When daddy died and mamma didn't come home still,
I had to work my *** off when I was six to pay the bills
And I knew my chances of making out were nil

-in short it was going perfectly fine and I took that as a good sign,
And than you introduced me to a girl out of the blues
I knew than I was in love but I tried so hard(failed) to refuse
But you had to show you're 'godness' ,now didn't you?
Why did you land me a better job, who told you to?
Made me think I was a better man when I was with her,
And I could see a smile forming when I  looked in the mirror.


Are you done yet ?


-and than BOOM! , OUT OF NOWHERE you had to give her that stupid silver screen cancer,
Doctors have her two years to live but in only 2 months something killed her!


-now tell me god , what more did you had in store for me ?








God: "are you marilyn Lucas?, I have a feeling that I may be wrong"









- err, no I'm jack bundy, what the **** is going on?









"oh, i'm so sorry, it seems like my crew made a big mistake,
You can collect your token from the stands and proceed to the heavens gates"








"what ? , was it all a test ? "










"Hahah, this one is on the house"






Awkward silence





*to the crew,
"we 'gotta stop the suicides, it's becoming too confusing,
Who goes to heaven, who goes to hell ,  it's very time consuming"




I told you I wasn't 'gonna talk about suicide because it's a ****** thing to do

I'm done being human,
I don't like the places it leads
All those hidden emotions
That I just can't seem to reach
The saints hung on the cross
And all he ever does is preach
The air is full of holy words
In this smoke I can't even breathe



Take my hand now,
And lead me to my grave
I don't need your love
For i've seen you hate



Why am I talking to you,
You've never seen my nightmare
All my sins I hurl upon you
And silence is all you can hear
In the crowd I feel more alone,
Even though you're everywhere
tomorrow i'll be gone,
But you'll always be right here



Every breath that escapes me,
Is a smile in your eyes
You want to show me the truth
When all you have are lies




What of these sweet dreams,
And the lullabies that haunt
Why are you still here
What is that you want
I've given you everything
Yet, You still seek more
Why did I ever embrace you,
What was it all worth for



Will you hunt me down,
Now that I don't belong
And take away my crown
If I don't come along



Every blade that kiss my skin,
Will be in your name
As the scar travels within
It will remind you of pain
You watch me fall apart,
Don't even bother to pull out your knife
You squeeze my bleeding heart
And ask me, what i've done with my life



As I embrace the other side,
You whisper in my disgrace
You broke every mirror
Now you want to scar my face




I'm not what I was,
Something inside changed
I was born human
But i'll never be one of you again
If that's what it takes,
i'll scar myself with a smile
You're not awake,
Hav'nt seen the devil in a while




You will fear once again,
Of the ghost you so made
When i'm done with you
Every colour will fade




As I rip open your Soul,
Stare deep in your eyes
Remember you're the evil
I was made from your lies
As I make my way to your heart,
My claws will hurt no more
Can you not see in the dark,
Where you enslaved me for ever-more





I won't even hear you scream,
For i'll be lost in your demise
As the blade brings down the wrath
You'll see the human in my eyes








And i'll see the human in yours

so immersed was I
in my dreams
I forgot that the sky
was perhaps more empty
than full of my being
that clouds weren't real
my fingers scarring through them
and when the sun woke
I was sleeping still then
to be made in the dark
in the moonlight when
I was not there yet
but I was afraid of them
every whisper I could not hear
the rain I could not bear
falling from an empty sky
full of stars
from am endless horizon
painted with scars
and I remember watching
the mountain crumble
I remember walking
in a boundless december
tasting the winds of winter
echoing the last summer
when I was not cold
when I was still who I was
the man in the mirror
only a child without life
on the edge and alive
now I let go
of everything
with every melancholic breath
and now I realize
perhaps it was all
in my head
every door and wall
every tear that falls
I wish someday I can forget
what I never came to know
as they put me to rest
it was all in my head
they were all inside my head

"what are you doing kid , let go'
Man , i was just five i didn't know
That everything dies when it out-grows
Its number of years that life bestows
On them to breathe and live
Now that I'm older
i still haven't learned to forgive

_________





"close your eyes and pray to god"
My strong momma always taught
But no matter how much we prayed
The hand of life reached us not

"he's just busy because so many pray"
I heard her whisper to me everyday
In her arms with a smile so pretty
But her pretty smile never did stay

"don't hate him , he'll be here "
I searched for him everywhere
And in time i started to realise
That this god never did care

"where are you going , leaving me"?
I never ever even turned back to see
'cause her eyes would have stopped me
But i was determined to find him for me

"what are you looking for, said the old man"
Sitting by the brook near an old stone
Something in his eyes told me he would understand
Whispered to me my every bone

I told him i was looking for god
He just stared at me like he heard nothing at all
I whispered again "im looking for god"
At the same time cold rain began to fall

He finally spoke"come , I'll show him to you"
And we started to walk to a wooden shack
The day got dark and it was a bleak view
Scared , I just wanted to turn back

He invited me in with a smile
The door opened with some noise
Something in his eyes told me to stay
Either way i really had no choice

Inside that shack there was nothing but dark
And he told me to look in the direction of his finger
"there , look there , closely and you will find him my dear"
I turned around and there was nothing but a mirror

In chaos you can hear-
The silence you never heard,
Lay down your sword,
And let it be gone like a bird.
For the lessons were plenty,
But you were too blind to learn.
Kept your eyes ever closed,
In a hope that fire wouldn't burn.
Now the ashes howl again-
For them bones have turned to dust.
And you kept asking that silence,
But it never spoke a word.
Fed your dreams to the merchant
-it was getting hard to fall asleep.
Watched them be sold and disappear,
And told yourself-
They were too many to keep.
So the heart went barren,
Every scar ceased to bleed.
The mourners began to disperse,
And the ghosts began to leave.
There you saw the silence,
Left behind by trail of the departed.
And you stood alone in the misery
-in dark so comfortable and guarded.
None to hear you wither,
And none to see you drown.
There is nobody out there for you,
No matter-
How much you turn around.
The skeleton has but perished,
Nothing remains buried inside
The key to the depth is lost,
And the door is open too wide.
Rotten carcass lays beneath-
All the layers that were yet to hide.
And the sun never holds the dead,
So the dirt was taken by the night.
And there beyond the wilderness-
In the meadows it was sowed.
Along the edge of the shadows,
Where the river of blood flowed.
And there it was made,
One tree bearing the fruit of despair.
The roots have but spread,
Along the veins and everywhere.
And then you taste the reaping,
Sweeter than any of your lies.
In the noise of the silence,
You bid your final good-bye.
A reflection tears past the surface,
And then you close your eyes.
In mirror echoes the silence,
As you watch yourself slowly die.

Once upon a time,
I saw the angel cry.
I stood there mesmerised,
And I never asked why.

I thought I had found,
The most beautiful sight.
Oh, I stood there in her awe,
As I saw the angel cry.

Her wings spand the moon,
And eyes like stars in the sky.
I thought I heard her whisper,
As she slowly bade me good-bye.




Oh, my years felt so old,
My life so much away and far.
And then when she disappeared,
I realised she gave me a scar.
Oh, those winds were so cold,
That night so lonely and dark.
I don't recall what happened,
But I know I lost my heart.




That moment still haunts,
I was afraid to look in her eyes.
Now that I think of it,
those tears never did dry.

We just stood in silence,
I don't remember when I died.
I woke up and searched for her
But there was only sun-rise.

that's all I remember,
Of that one lonely night.
I thought I saw a dream,
Where I saw the angel cry.



Oh, my years felt so old,
My life so much away and far.
And then when she disappeared,
I realised she gave me a scar.
Oh, those winds were so cold,
That night so lonely and dark.
I don't recall what happened,
But I know I lost my heart.

Everything that I feel today
Hides somewhere in my past
I try but it just won't go away
I can feel breaking of my heart

There's so much Inside
But I've got nothing to say
Every whisper that I hide
Makes me not want to stay

What of these cold desires
When my dreams are no-more
Sometimes I can't feel the fire
Maybe I can't get hurt anymore

Of all those morning blues
That clings to me ever-more
Every night I dream of you
Now every memory is cold

I feel like I don't belong
In this world I was born
I watch it pass me by
And I am left so alone
There's no hand to hold
As I walk to the edge of it all
There's a noose around my neck
I hope it breaks my fall


Everything that I know
Is the unknown to my eyes
As I wander along and away
I build a home in my lies

I tried to hold on
But the chains scared my hand
In silence I was gone
And nobody could ever understand

Every promise is broken
As I tear a hole in my skin
Every door now is open
But I'm still trapped within

In my own induced illusion
I see what never was
My life is now a confusion
Never been this lost



What have I become
Just an unfamiliar face
In the mirror I seek someone
But can't see through this haze
There's nothing to hold now
As I walk to the edge of it all
My eyes are lost and blind
But I can still see me fall

Its not that hard to take a life






I wake up and see no mirror
Reflection has never been that kind
My mornings just for her
In the evening I'll make some rhymes
Strong crave for caffeine
Now i 'gotta leave this bed
I try to stand up
But there's heaviness in my head
I realise I'm still hung-over
Man , shouldn't have been that wasted
But he said it was fine Colombian
The best i have ever tasted
That party was out of control
Hit after hit and than some *****
Now i feel so much better
I needed to break loose
The morning newspaper Lies on the table
Housekeeper must have left it there
To get up I'm finally able
Music of sunshine now i can hear clear
'thirteen dead in an accident when Their vehicle went off the cliff'
Said the last tiny column on the newspaper page
'Celebrity releases another *** tape - a hit'
Screamed the head lines at my face
Yeah , humans die all the time
Celebs don't release *** tapes everyday
In the honour of the departed
All the chaps are 'gonna download it today
So much for the news ,
Man i need my coffee now
The pain in my head killing me
I hate this sunshine song
A different feeling begins to take over
No , not so soon , not again
Let go of me you monster
I don't even know your name
I walk to the kitchen
Man i hate this coffee so much
I need something stronger
Lets go in the refrigerator and search
Yes, the old jack ,
this will do
I look in the mirror
"stop screaming , you"
I'll be over soon , you pig
I'm your alter ego
Accumulation of
all the sins you've did
I'm trapped inside my own body
Man i feel like an *******
I hate it when i can't pull the strings
I always want to be in control
Man , I'll die for some coffee
Just one sip and I'll be fine
I'll teach that ******* a lesson
Beat that stupid swine
Forgot he's me ,
Than Maybe just a slap
'gotta meet my doc again
And tell him his pills are crap
Such a fine day it was
For a moment it was normal
My folks they could never understand
Always brushed it off as hormonal
Now they sleep forever in their grave
Police said it was hit and run
But i know better than that
Sometimes I think i was the one
Not me
but my alter-ego
Or is it still me
Man, i don't know
I'm more confused than i was
I thought pills will do their job
But now this monster is out of control
He has no idea when to stop
The bottle of jack is finished now
I'm finally in my senses but feeling down
This bump in the road is just too big
And i know can't turn around now
Years and tears of rehab
And I'm worse than i was
Instead this disease found me
Now i feel so lost
In this chaos
There's not a moment of solitude
World doesn't understands me
Marks me off with a pathetic attitude
Maybe it is for the better
As i put the bullets in my gun
No need for a letter
I don't have anyone
I put it close to my head
Letting go of my last breath
But a smile spreads across my face
And i point it towards the window instead







Its not so hard to take a life when you've nothing to lose..

To my beloved grandpa who died a couple of days ago, I miss you.




The one who opened my eyes,
I saw him slowly go blind.
The one who made me who I am;
I now cannot find.
The one who taught me-
Of the world and so much more.
The one who loved me,
And the one I loved-
I know he's now no more.

And I slowly swallow my pain,
As I let them tears dry.
I wish I could see again-
To hear you call my name,
Had a chance to say my good-bye.

As I remember how it used to be,
I can almost hear your voice.
Now I swallow this reality,
Perhaps, it was destined to be,
Either way; we never have no choice.

You taught me who I am,
And I learned from you my all.
Now from where I stand-
I hope one day I will understand,
Why those tears could never fall.

And in every tale you ever told,
I find myself walking in them.
Guess every breath took its toll,
I hope you're not too cold;
I'll remember you from back then.

I will cherish your every memory,
More than your picture on my wall.
I don't know if it's a tragedy-
Nothing is forever meant to be,
I promise, I will remember your all.

I want to hold you one last time,
But now you're so far away.
And as I dig deeper; I find-
That you've always been mine,
And I'll always have our yesterday.

You'll be at home in my heart-
Always, and a part of my soul.
Every story from end to start,
I'll always be there to guard,
For without you I'll never be whole.

Of all those sweets you gave,
This one tastes bitter the most.
And I know there'll be no grave,
I'm afraid one day you'll fade-
Only to be another ghost.

But I'll remember your face,
As I did, when I was only a child.
I know you won't leave a trace,
As when you leave this place-
That has been yours all this while.

I promise I will keep you alive,
For I know this cannot be the end.
Don't worry; I'll be alright,
For I have you by my side-
And I'll miss you my dearest friend.

Wish someone had told me ,
That I would've  known
Life is so beautiful
And i wouldn't be left alone

All those scars will fade away
All the pain would be gone
I wish someone had told me
Wish I had known

at times when I thought I was weak
Well those moments made me strong
Wish ,Someone had told that 'freak'
A moment you lived is a moment gone

that self-harm was stupid
Even though it felt so real
Concentrating on just the pain
Never figuring out what we really feel

That the wounds will heal
For a purpose I was born
And it's not the weight of the world I bear
Just my own

And no one was to be blamed
For the emotional wreck I turned out to be
You shouldn't forget the world for a name
And be so blind that others can't see

All those nights spent crying and cutting
It all looks so point-less
What the **** was I  mad about ?
I haven't  even seen the world yet

That I loved too soon
And learned too late
True love is pure
sometimes one has to wait

That losing someone is a part of life
You have to take that in stride
It'll all make sense after a while
To have patience and not act vile

That the haters will hate without a name
To be yourself there's no shame
Hate and love is part of the game
Few words cause no harm , one shouldn't feel stained

You will find what you seek
If you don't , you didn't try hard enough
That life can be cruel at times , unequal and rough

But you 'gotta take things head-on
You have to be that strong
In Admitting your defeat once in a while
There's nothing wrong

That life can be like weather
At times sunshine , sometimes rain
And even if life knocks you down
It shows you the way to rise again

Wish someone had told me ,
That I would've  known
Life is so beautiful
And i wouldn't be left alone

I breathe her.
I need her more than I want her.
I want her more than I need her.
I love her more than I could have ever loved, and yet I love her more.
She is my dream, my dream is her.
More than I can spell or whisper, paint or write..
She's more than a wish.
my light, dim and bright.
She's more than I could have ever imagined.
She's more beautiful than a winter's morning.. More hypnotic than an Autumns breeze.
She's my spring today and forever.. She's the summer I will never forget.
The only one I'll ever keep.

Waiting , endless nights carved on walls
Head phones blaring , a moment to forget it all
Cancelling out noise the world makes
He just wants to be alone and cold
Never listening to what they're saying
He never does what he's told

Their words never make sense
How can he smile when he's too afraid of  what lies beyond
His eyes always searching for solitude
At the end of the street where he thinks he belongs
He never opens his mouth if it's not in a song
In words , where he carves his heart of stone
Where he's not afraid to show his every bone

And You want to talk about butterflies
But he ate them when he was eight
You want to see shine in his eyes
But all he has for you is just pain
Everyone has a different story
Maybe you never grew up in hate
You don't know what those eyes see
Every moment in their mindless wait
For someone to come and smoke away this haze

He pours his heart out for you
And  all you do is laugh at how hurt he is
Just 'cause you don't understand
Doesn't gives you a right to scream how shallow he is
Maybe he is , ever wondered what made him this way ?
Maybe everyone else can see the 'colours'
But what if all he can see is grey ?

I know it's too hard to digest
But depression isn't something you can feel if you never had one
I'm not talking about the 'emo phase'
But the real one ,
Have you ever even come across someone ,
With no life in his eyes and no colours on his heart
I bet you've never seen someone just tearing himself apart
'cause he's too lost in this disease
I know it hard for you to believe
But pain is the only thing that brings them alive
The only healing balm in their twisted little life

Tell me how will you feel when you all you can think about is hurting yourself
You won't even last a minute in the dark places where these 'kids' dwell
They've seen enough of hate and their share of those 'stares'
So when you come across that 'someone' real or not
At least show a little care
For you may never know how your words can affect these little souls
All it takes is a moment of love to bring  them back on the road


Longer the story is , more is their desire for an embrace
So just show them kindness and don't bring forth your ugly face
The one you think makes you look better than you are
No , your mindless blabbing about something you know nothing about
Won't make you look smart
For all it will do is make that blade more sharp
And it will have your name on it as someone rips themselves apart


Kids will always look for attention , maybe it's their curse
Maybe some of them are just plain stupid , to use these words
Maybe  they don't realise that their 'story' is someone's else life
I condemn you too , for you can never find love in lies
You talk about razors but I can see you know nothing about them
All you have ever scarred yourself is just with a tiny little pen
And 'cause of you , they pounce on everyone with a blade
Anyone who says he likes playing with a gun
Maybe you'll smile to yourself when that gun finally goes off
Sometimes death is too easy and you know what ,
Sometimes it Doesn't even knocks


I've seen too much but I've heard too little
Every fool claims to be wise , claims too see every word as a lie
But again I guess you've never see true misery ,
Every word still misses your eyes
You've never come across real nothingness
And the question 'do you even want to be alive'
For these 'kids' may yet have a chance at a wonderful life
You're job is not to degrade them but to open their eyes

I've said too much but I know you'll hear what you want to
These things are all 'fake' that's what you want to say
Now , don't you ?
You've never seen out of that window at the setting sun
guess you don't like the view
Maybe if you could you can see there's an army of creatures
Coming right at you.


Can you spot the 'kid with a razor'

An old man cries in a home
Bleeding all alone
Young plays in the woods
There'll be no dawn
A monster hides inside a man
Whispering for a lost cause
Beauty lay dead and cold
Covered by the moss
Sin looks for ugly
Creed Is his greed
A saint preaches words
And words breed
An army of cold eyes
Marching on every night
Breaking every wall
That stands against its might
An island engulfed in flames
Oh , water so nigh
Tears lost to an ocean
Can't even cry
No bird without wings
Dosent matter if one can fly
You can fly in your dreams
Dosent meant you can fly
And kiss goodbye
All hope is lost
And now it's time to die
Without a fight
Only the forgotten tries
A home broken and ruined
By the years and cold
Outlived the ones who lived
And lost its soul
Dragons fly in yesterday's
Tommorow is for man
Stories written and lost
Stories he didn't understand
History is a mystery
Not knowing a misery
Hidden but still free
Beauty is so ugly
And ugly so faithful
Better friend than foe
Young is so fast
And the old so slow
But where did the young go
Without a direction he runs
Old sits back and enjoys
The warmth of the fading sun
And can guns Destroy
If its not for the man
Man in ocean  , man on moon
There isn't a place where he didn't stand
And whisper his hatred
While holding a gun naked
And ghosts hoot for the mother earth
In a hope she'll make it
But stranger knows she's already dead
God knows 'cause he's in his head
Animals can't know for they're too bored
But science knows she's not dead but just unwell
From a bad disease  
Called human specie
And when he's destroyed
She can re-grow freely
And the old sings the songs
Few words for his  legacy
About the green and old mountains
That the young did not see
They left nothing for the young
Now that the old songs been sung
Lets all get numb and dumb
And **** for fun

His hands search for comfort
Lying by the road in chaos and dirt
Eyes still searching the sky
To find the last glimpse of his hurt
Her eyes speak to the night
She's scared of every passer by
She never wants to be lost in shadows again
Fading like the stars in the sky
His old cane is all that's left  
Shoulders weak by the lifes debt
A pond of tears he always knew ,
Further from home , where he quietly wept
Her aging arms wrinkled
Her face now old and stained
grace lost to the memories
Mirror will never be a friend again
He plays with his toys
Shy , with a smile too coy
Wears his heart on his sleeve
For he's just a boy
Her eyes quickly ****** a look
fairytales begins to whisper in her head
they say, First love is true
She knows , she'll never forget
They smiled and yet again
Hands couldn't find the way
Fingers left alone and cold
Hoping for a new day
A fading moonlight keeps them awake
In each others arms , still so numb
Warmth escapes their union
What has distance made them become
He knows they didn't forget
But why is it so hard to remember
She knows they're in love
Then why is it that they're not together  
Forgotten, yet still haunted
They walk alone but never far
In dreams and tomorrows
A flame that keeps burning in their heart

He smiled , she smiled
World forgotten with just one kiss
An aura of lust and love
Forming clouds of eternal bliss
Her hands finds his
A vow made to never let go
He looks in her eyes one last time
And they know..


-They'll always be in that moment
No matter how much it hurts
For they've tasted
the kiss of love

24-march-1981

Hey sweetheart, it's been a while and I know you are depressed,
Sometimes it takes some time before you can move on and forget.
I wish I could've been there for you but that's not my only regret,
How is our little girl, do you still sing to her like I did,
Before you put her to bed ?.
I've been busy lately, there's just so much goin' on inside my head,
It's been so hard and I've been so stressed lately that sometimes--
I even forget to take a breath.
The time is ugly and I miss your pretty face whenever anger begins to swell,
Last night I tried to take my life, climbed over a chair and put on a belt,
But somehow I don't know how, it didn't work out when I fell
And I am sorry, I wouldn't do it again, I don't ever wanna feel,
How at that moment I felt.
I am sorry I left you guys alone, but know this that I'll never leave you,
I know it's been a ride but yesterday I had a dream and we did pull through,
You wore the black dress you wanted but I didn't have the money to buy,
I am sorry I couldn't get you things, I always hate myself for being that guy,
We are good people, don't you think ?
God doesn't answer our prayers no more and I don't know why,
I pray to him everyday, I want to buy you guys the world before I die.
Oh, it's about time already, I have to leave, see you soon, loads of love.
Good-bye.

3-april-1981

I got your letter yesterday, you sound better then you did a month before,
I hope you are doin' fine, I don't want you to get in trouble no more.
I don't want to speak about your suicide attempt, I have no words in store,
I hope you never think of it again, get those thoughts out of your core,
If not for me, for our daughter at least, I know you won't, I am sure,
Remember we have no one else but you, don't lock away our only Door.
Our little girl is growing way too fast, you should see her before she does,
She doesn't wants me to sing to her, she wants you,
So I don't sing to her anymore.
It's gettin' hard to pay the bills, it kills me to ask you,
But when are you sending the money, winter is around the corner--
And it's getting cold.
They say the winter is going to be the coldest in a decade,
I saw it yesterday on the news report.
I am saving some money, will buy our princess a new coat.
Don't you feel down, we love you with all our heart,
I miss you so much, I miss the way you could make me laugh.
Money is never important, but I guess we have nothing else either,
I still need some time to forgive you and forget what you did,
I don't sleep in our room no more, I still imagine you inside her.
But I guess I don't hate you anymore, I understand mistakes happen,
And out of 'em all, you deserve a second chance more than anyone else,
You were always and always will be a fighter,
I trust you with our lives, they say in darkness even a spark looks so brighter,
I know it's been a ride but we just have to sit it out and hold each other a little bit tighter,
So, I'll wait for your letter, take care of yourself,
I hope things will change now for the better.



17-june-1981



Things are getting bad over here, they are cutting men off,
I don't know if I'm going to be the next, so I am putting in more hours,
I don't know when it's all gonna' stop.
Sometimes I don't sleep all night, I just go out and walk,
It's good here in the city ya' know, every one minds their own business and nobody comes over to have a talk.
I went to a seminar yesterday, it was good ya' know,
The man on the stage told us we should be happy with what we've got
And then there were people crying about the loved ones they have lost,
It got me thinking, what a fool I am, I have you guys and that means alot,
Nothing would mean anything to me if I don't have you guys,
I just want you to know how much I love you guys and want to be with you no matter what the cost.
By the way I sent some money, I hope it would pay all the bills,
If some gets left over, I want you to buy something for yourself, promise me you will.
I know I hurt you so much and the scars need some time to fill,
But you know I love you and I know you love me still.
I don't wanna talk about it today, it makes me feel so sad,
Past couple of days were no good either, i guess I'm going mad,
I never knew things will turn out this way and the time will get this bad,
All I can do is dream about the good times we could have had.
Life is slipping away and every day we are getting old,
Why don't we learn about how much life *****, why is that we are never told.
I don't want rest of my life runnin' around and chasin' gold.
I want to come home and kiss you when I want, touch you and hold,
I hope it gets better after we die, I hope we have a soul,
This world is ******' trash and it swallows everything like a black-hole,
It takes away a father from his daughter, and husband away from his wife,
Dumps you in a ******' garbage land and expects you to survive,
God, it's been so long and all I want is to feel alive,
I am goin' out for a walk, I don't want to make you more sad, kisses to our princess, good-night.


26-june -1981

It's okay to be sad, it's okay to feel hurt and pain,
But it's not okay to just cry about it and complain,
Who are you so angry on, who else should be a part of our blame ?
Tell me, I need a name!.
Life is no fairytale, I have learned to accept it and now I am awake,
I hope you do too, before the lights go out and you have nowhere else to run,
You give up so easily, why do you think everyone else is havin' fun ?
Natalie lost her child a few weeks back, Stan lost his home,
We have both, don't we ? why do you think we are on our own ?
I get it, sometimes all this misery can make you feel alone,
But that doesn't mean you should give up everything and mourn,
C'MON don't give up now, remember when our daughter was born ?
They said she wouldn't make it, but she did, she didn't give up and neither will you for our home.
I know it will get better, most of all, you deserve it more than anyone else,
Even when the goin' got tough, you never once asked for help,
And I am proud of you, as I should be, and you should be too for yourself,
Like every other time, we only get stronger, after all the stuff we have dealt,
I admit, it feels like we're in a ******' hell,
Fate is not in our hands, but we can do our part and give all we have, it will make a difference I promise, someday we might hear them bells.
I don't have anything else to say, I hope you write back soon,
When you take a walk tonight look at the moon, I'll be looking too.

















12-November-1998

Hey Tim, I know we are getting married in a month but I still miss you so so much,
Wish you were her with me tonight, so I could kiss and touch.
But that's not why I am writing you this letter to make myself feel better.
I wanted to tell you about how I feel about it all,
Do you remember that painting I put on the wall ?
I made it when I was six, it was getting colder and it was in midst of fall.
Dad had gone away and mom and me were struggling to survive,
I was crazy too, not a day went by when I didn't pull of a tantrum and fight.
I wanted dad to sing to me every night, see his face before switching off the lights.
I didn't like mom that much, she always scolded me no matter what I did,
But i guess i didn't understand then, i was just a kid.
It was hard when I was growing up, sometimes we had a place and no food,
Other times we had food but no place of ours and trust me that wasn't cool.
I was always the odd one out and everyone made fun of me at school,
I hated my parents for that--
Oh, I was such a fool.
Dad worked night and day just so we could have food on the table every night,
Both my parents never got through high school, and got married when mom got pregnant and was thrown outside--
Of her home inspite of the fact she was the only child.
My dad left his home to support my mom against the wishes of his family,
They were so happy when I was born, they never treated me like a tragedy,
No matter how tough the times got, how low they got, they gave all they could to me happily,
They held me close and away from the gloomy reality.
I still remember how those years went by, for me it was just a blink of an eye
But to them it was a lifetime of hardship and pain,
But you know what they tell me ?
They would happily do it all over again.
They worked hard, both of them and things did change,
But you know what, they still remain the same,
Inspite of how far they have come and what they have achieved,
When it was too easy for them to leave, they stayed together,
Held my little hands and sheltered me no matter how bad was the weather,
I was all they cared about, nothing else never did matter,
They saved every penny for me, even though my dad had so many chances but he never left her.
You must be wondering why I am telling you all this now,
But today I found some old letters, in a box in the attic, now I understand so much better,
It made me sad for a while, but I guess it was a part of our life,
It made us who we are today, I wouldn't want it any other way either,
I don't know what to call it, but I know it makes me feel loved, crazy isn't it ?
To know how far they have come, and how their hard worked payed off,
It almost makes me want to believe in god but I don't have to,
That will only make my parents struggle look less inspiring, god didn't pull us through.
They did, and I owe my every breath to them,
I don't know what made me hold a pen, but I don't want them to know I found those letters,
So I am confessing all of this to you,
I will show them to you one day, when things get tough, maybe that'll help us to find our way,
For it made me realize one thing and one thing only,
Love stays red even if the world moves on to shades of grey,
I guess it all makes sense now, it's such a beautiful day.

Let the man love his man
Let the woman love her woman
its not yours , its their lifes
they're no animals , its their right
Loving can never be a sin
Love can never be immoral
A lover can never be a sinner
For love is eternal
So maybe it's time to shut those mouths
No one wants your opinion , quit the shouts
It's their life not yours
Stop interfering in something you know nothing about

Let the man love his man
You don't have to judge
Let the woman love her woman
What is their crime: love ?