I shall begin this letter to you by writing about myself, obviously, this is as much about you, as it is about me, and that is who I am at times, selfish and caught in my own self but again—this is as much about you as it will be about me, if not more, and I hope it is—I hope that is how I write it, and that is what comes at the end of it.
I rarely remember things, names and places.. I suppose it is because I'm just forgetful and lame but maybe it's because nothing lingers around me enough, settles and finds a home.. finds me as I am—I don't like looking somebody eye to eye, I fear they'll recognise I'm not who I am, see me bare and without my flesh and bones and shadows that hang around me.
But I can look you in the eye without fear of any undoing, I can be myself for a little while, I can let go of the shadows and let my scars and wounds breathe for a little while.. they only know four walls of a room, and they do not see the sky.. but sometimes, most times, I know I can let them in the open with you, safe and guarded.
I respect you, I respect that you laugh with the deepest wounds, I respect that you feel deeply, I respect that you are genuine and that you never stop trying, even if sometimes you cannot see all of this in yourself, and I hope you do, because that is you and that is what I've seen too.
You remember me, in a world that does not know I exist, You are kind to me when you have every reason not to.. and as I said, I don't remember much.. but I remember, deeply, every single time when someone has looked at me, and asked me 'you're sad today aren't you?'
We all need a shoulder to cry on when the world feels heavy and the winds are merciless, I never had a shoulder or even if and when I did, I had to tiptoe around my own tears and whirlwinds inside of me, but you've been more than a shoulder, or an arm or a voice cutting through the dark.. you've been a friend, a soldier, a rock and a pillar... on days when there is nothing, and I'm sinking.. and the world is folding into itself.. I know I'll have a friend just a call away and everything would stop spinning for a moment and more.
If I can be half as good of a friend that you are to me.. I'd be a much better person, that is how good of a friend you are, because that is a part of you, a part that you know well but maybe do not trust enough to see the sky.. you should let it out more, more laughter, more conversations, more of everything, and less of me, a lot less of me, because that is who I am—just four walls and deep darkness, and you deserve the sun and sunsets and people who laugh and are better friends and people.
It is not a declaration of me not wanting this friendship, I am your friend, and I shall be one, as long as I am, because that is the least I can offer with what I am owed to you, and I owe you a lot, a lot of things and gifts and letters and what not.
Thank you for being my friend, a candle in the darkness, a forest in this barren land, monsoon in the summers and a warm blanket in the winter.
You give me hope, and that is all I have to say for now.
to dearest,
you, my friend.