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aviisevil Jun 24

I shall begin this letter to you by writing about myself, obviously, this is as much about you, as it is about me, and that is who I am at times, selfish and caught in my own self but again—this is as much about you as it will be about me, if not more, and I hope it is—I hope that is how I write it, and that is what comes at the end of it.

I rarely remember things, names and places.. I suppose it is because I'm just forgetful and lame but maybe it's because nothing lingers around me enough, settles and finds a home.. finds me as I am—I don't like looking somebody eye to eye, I fear they'll recognise I'm not who I am, see me bare and without my flesh and bones and shadows that hang around me.

But I can look you in the eye without fear of any undoing, I can be myself for a little while, I can let go of the shadows and let my scars and wounds breathe for a little while.. they only know four walls of a room, and they do not see the sky.. but sometimes, most times, I know I can let them in the open with you, safe and guarded.

I respect you, I respect that you laugh with the deepest wounds, I respect that you feel deeply, I respect that you are genuine and that you never stop trying, even if sometimes you cannot see all of this in yourself, and I hope you do, because that is you and that is what I've seen too.

You remember me, in a world that does not know I exist, You are kind to me when you have every reason not to.. and as I said, I don't remember much.. but I remember, deeply, every single time when someone has looked at me, and asked me 'you're sad today aren't you?'

We all need a shoulder to cry on when the world feels heavy and the winds are merciless, I never had a shoulder or even if and when I did, I had to tiptoe around my own tears and whirlwinds inside of me, but you've been more than a shoulder, or an arm or a voice cutting through the dark.. you've been a friend, a soldier, a rock and a pillar... on days when there is nothing, and I'm sinking.. and the world is folding into itself.. I know I'll have a friend just a call away and everything would stop spinning for a moment and more.

If I can be half as good of a friend that you are to me.. I'd be a much better person, that is how good of a friend you are, because that is a part of you, a part that you know well but maybe do not trust enough to see the sky.. you should let it out more, more laughter, more conversations, more of everything, and less of me, a lot less of me, because that is who I am—just four walls and deep darkness, and you deserve the sun and sunsets and people who laugh and are better friends and people.

It is not a declaration of me not wanting this friendship, I am your friend, and I shall be one, as long as I am, because that is the least I can offer with what I am owed to you, and I owe you a lot, a lot of things and gifts and letters and what not.

Thank you for being my friend, a candle in the darkness, a forest in this barren land, monsoon in the summers and a warm blanket in the winter.

You give me hope, and that is all I have to say for now.


to dearest,
you, my friend.


aviisevil Jun 16

don’t let the light
find its way to me—
not yet.

I’ve spent all my strength
making love to the dark.

let it hold me
a little longer.

let it nest in my lungs,
curl through my veins.

let it grow inside me
until I’m ready
to feel again.

let the rain
find my tears,

and the clouds
search for my name.

keep the door
closed.

I want what burns in me
to escape at dawn—
in flames.

don’t let the light
come searching.

let it all
grow wild in me.

until nothing
remains


aviisevil Jun 12

Dil tu kyun ro raha hai
Jo hona tha, woh ** chuka hai

Dil tu kyun ro raha hai
Jo khona tha, woh tu kho chuka hai

Ek kona hai bas ab tera
Wahin pe raat, wahin tere din
Wahin har saans ko aankhon se gin

Jo hona tha, woh ** chuka hai
Dil tu aakhir kyun ro raha hai

Tera tha khula asmaan
Teri hi thi naadi, teri vaadiyaan
Tera hi toh tha yeh jahaan
Tujhka tujhse hi tha imtihaan

Aur tu na jaane kya khoj raha tha
Tu kahin toh pahunch raha tha

Ek kona hai bas ab tera
Wahin ab teri har arz sunsaan
Wahin ab dafan har karz, har toofaan

Khud ko khud se hi bhool raha hai
Ab toh veerane mein bhi tu doob raha hai
Tab se ab tak khud se hi jhoojh raha hai

Kya ab bas ek kona hi hai tera?
Dekh, wahan ek phool khila hai
Tere aansuon se seencha
Woh tujhse pooch raha hai —
Tu kyun ro raha hai?

Jo hona tha, woh ** chuka hai
Jo khona tha, woh kho chuka hai

Ab bhi hai asmaan
Ab bhi woh naadi, woh vaadiyaan
Ab bhi hai yeh jahaan
Tera hi tujhse imtihaan

Tu kya soch raha hai
Sunn zara murshid kya bol raha hai
Kya bas ab ek kona hi hai tera?
Tujhko toh tera Khuda khoj raha hai

Ja, main hoon yahan —
Teri zameer, tera armaan
Teri kami, tera gunah
Tera nazeer, teri panah

Ja, main hoon yahan
Main hoon yahan.


I wrote this poem, or it wrote itself, I'm not sure.
aviisevil Jun 11

someone will remember us
before we're forgotten—

a final ache of memory
lingering
willing itself
to survive

like laughter
like the pain
like summers spent
in the arms of rain

someone will remember us
for who we were
and all we
never became

someone will remember us
though we’ve forgotten ourselves
with no trace left
to mourn

just dust gathering softly
on photographs kept
in a home long forlorn

someone will remember us
someone will remember us
someone will remember us?


aviisevil Jun 4

the city’s out cold
the moon cries
like it knows something
I don’t

phone rings—
I let it die

what’s left to say
we haven’t already killed
with silence

I’ve felt
everything
too many times

the cogs keep spinning

do more
be more
become less
until you’re
someone else

we work
we run
we laugh like it’s medicine
we forgive what we shouldn’t
forget what we can’t

always waiting
for something
that never shows up

do more
be more

end up
less

less sleep
less soul
less of whoever
you used to be

you wake up
in someone else’s
skin

every breath
spent

dumped
into some black hole
like maybe it’s listening

washed down
with cheap whiskey
and cigarettes
that stick to your fingers

work
run
pretend

we laugh
when we’re dying

it’s better for
company

makes it easier
to sit with people


aviisevil Jun 1

the kinds of
sorrows

nested in the
arms of Oizys

soaked in a cloak
of severance

circling the roads
to Nazareth

praying, preying,
pretending

watching the sun
kiss the moon —

the last act of
devotion

before the sun
sets

and we’re all
silent again


aviisevil May 27

letting go
of the sun, the moon,
and the stars.

drifting through quieter skies,
faintly vivid,
testing the waters
that never held me.

am i a free bird,
or just dust
in the wind?

to let go
of yourself—

the kind of sorrow
that keeps me awake;

the child
who never slept
or smiled,

still knocking
on the door
i buried
long ago.

how do i tell
him

there is no place
where sleep remembers us—

only roads
we walk
until the sunset
swallows
what’s left.


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