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aviisevil Sep 24
home is where the heart is, but what if the heart is broken and lost ?

what then, when there are no roads and no pathways, but a forest with naked trees, and with barely enough sunlight creeping in, to make out the void that surrounds us at all times.

what if a mind does not require a body anymore ?

where do we go from there ?

questions pierce my conscience like an asteroid hitting earth traveling at a thousand miles per heart beat,

evaporating any sense of belief or religion that existed in the deepest corners of my being, resembling a fire that even sun is afraid of --

what if the answers never come ?

what if everything ends before i can wake up, before i have the urge to do something worthwhile with my dreams and fears,

i can build castles in sand and bury my doubts in tiny rooms with tiny beds, but never escape this impending sense of doom that has made a circus in my veins, always to and fro the axis, as i wait for the silence to scream from across the ocean, i guess i'm still waiting for somebody to say my name before i forget how to think,

and i'm still thinking of various ways to end this train of thought and perhaps i'll jump off at the next station, i can see myself from afar howling at the wheels of my suffering for taking a turn for the worse,

it's better if i leave this room before it devours me, i have so much to think and so little room to sit idle, it's as if the walls are suffocating me for fun, every brick vibrating like the bones in my body, trembling in a careless rhythm --

and it feels as if i can never escape from this sadness that has made a nest inside my hollowed body, i am but a step away from breaking down in little brittle pieces of absolute nothing,

i'm so close to being scattered, of crying rivers and oceans of my solitude and misguided birth, but i never do, i never let the rain **** the storm --

i never let the blues paint over the rotten reds, and greens and everything that does not come with a colour,

i enjoy my drakness alone, and i make peace with the ghosts those dance around us when nobody's looking,

i swallow my screams until i'm drowning in my own sorrows, my eyes in a horrific trance, watching the atoms destroy each other a billion times in plain sight,

it kills me that nobody bothers, nobody cares until they're dying, with unrelenting sadness at all times breathing down their necks, ready to bite and drain away the lesser world.

why life when there must've been so much before ? -- i wonder in disguise of madness and tame melancholia, ruined by man made conditions and nefarious activities of the restless and unkept,

and yes, i'm talking about you too, about us, about the gods that live in palaces made of rejected prayers and songs,  

i'm talking about memories, slowly decomposing into dead skin and dusty old book shelves that harbour nothing more than old age and forgotten fingerprints fading away even though the arms of the clocks on the unraveled walls have stopped moving, and the time has stood still peeking from outside the window, waiting for somebody to draw the curtains.

in the cold gloomy room where i've sat everyday for days to come, i sit even now paying attention to every detail, with empty promises and smothered dreams, with voices that echo across the many places inside my mind, buzzing with words that change with every step, and no matter how deep i crawl there'll always be something on the outside that just doesn't make sense.

i wonder if that's how people feel, otherwise it'll be harder for me to explain when i'm done talking,

i'm always breathing the fumes of whispers and stories that people radiate, walking room to room, traveling in circles, and in straight lines that never deviate to accommodate any other shape, reason or thought, always blind to the things passing us by, never turning to see if there's more than what greets the eye when you're looking for something out of place.

perhaps that's why we never leave our souls and wander about in the world of ghosts to see for ourselves if there's more than what we think there is, always believing to choose the lies instead of the truth because we were taught not to be real in this binary world where being out of the box means you're exposed,

that's when i wrestle with the man in the mirror, strangle him and complicate him, abuse him and starve him, carve out his body in my own, paint over him until all that i see, are my eyes peering into my soul, telling my mind that my thoughts have died a sudden death and all there is, is an echo that keeps fading away whenever i remember i do exist, and this is more than just reality, and i'll be better off without my own company,

who am i ? three words that keep me from ending it all, i hope there's no answer.
I'll try to explain what I cannot.
aviisevil Aug 19
demons and ghosts
and things

i cannot compare

frolic in these ruins
made of despair

many a moons have
come and gone

since the sun's

and i still look
for you, here --

I hope it's not my last poem here, but I'm contemplating -- perhaps I'll never write again, perhaps I will, I hope I do. take care for now.. i spent an awesome time here reading wonderful poems, thank you. goodbye.
aviisevil Aug 17
people live inside me
and they talk

i close my eyes
so they don't find me

but it's just me
in this box

i don't know where
to hide me

for they hear
my every thought

and i don't think
they like me

if i get too close
they bite me

i don't know how
to fight me

can you make
it stop ?

**** me
i don't mince words, i confuse them.
aviisevil Aug 9
screams and moans
litter the scape

swirling in storms
no soul can escape

and here i sleep;

with no shape

wandering the dusty
old shelves

settled in a picture

frozen in silence.
people are just a figment of imagination and times.
aviisevil Jul 13
i wish i had a few words
for the things i cannot explain

if i tell you about my hurt
would you tell me about your pain ?

or seek me through the dusk
and as far as the ends of the rain

if i only have for you is love
would you love me back the same ?

of all the things that i've seen
now they slowly blind me

even if this ain't a goodbye
you'll never know where to find me

tears wipe away the slate clean
and with years no one can reclaim

and once i had this dream
where we were young once again

i hope the forest's still green
and that the ocean hasn't changed

if i only have for you is love
would you love me back the same ?

of all the things that i've seen
now they slowly blind me

even if this ain't a goodbye
you'll never know where to find me
I'll never let you find me, but I'll always be there somewhere, behind closed doors and cracked windows, looking out as you look in.
aviisevil Jun 12
this loneliness it speaks

it seeps into the atmosphere
and creeps into my lungs

and i'm drowning
gasping for air

trying to read
between the lines

before the words

and i am consumed
by the dark.
hello, can you hear me ? I am sad.
aviisevil May 16
there's nobody out there
behind the voice

all there is
is this vacuum in void

filled with rotten
flowers and emptied sun

drifting around the
asteroid belt

where frequencies
are sung

filling sequenced days
from the last

in various ways
blooming into melancholic

alcoholic space
and in an unholy flask

sailing across the page
between the lines

not enough velocity to
to escape the mind

stuck forever in this
fallen place,

diseased and blind

isn't universe just
a cage that

no poet can rhyme;

nobody can hear you scream
on mars, nevermind.
I'm not sure if there's a cure for heaven, or hell. maybe all there is, is the lack of both.
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