Sometimes I want to do something reckless while thinking about you

I know that it's selfish of me, but I don't want to have to miss you

I wish that I could say for certainty that you'll be there  when I arrive, but what if I don't?

I want to walk a tight rope with my eyes closed

I know you'll be with me

I feel you in my tears as I take my final steps toward the edge

The time is right for me here.

I'm with you now.
It's been too long

My friend.

Where have you been?
I love you!

I feel at times that my stance is awkward...  

I lean precariously from one foot to the other  
 
Tilting slightly higher as I lean in Pisa's wake  
 
Seemingly uncertain of whether to fall or stand, I rest here for a moment and crane the distance between the ground and me.  
 
Hopeful yet motionless,  star-struck in limbo  
 
Waiting for.a breeze to brush past or even stop and say "Hello"  
 
But I fear that if it did, I might just float away...  
 
Carried on high like dust in the wind  
 
No longer rooted to the ground

I take off!   It's time to go!    (for good this time)  
 
I am finally free.  

I  lift off  without a sound

He had told me one time before the last,

that his face was that of his confusion...  
    
    
  
And it took me some time still,  
    
To realise...    
    
    
That the confusion of which he had spoken...    
                                                       ­                      .    
    
                                                        .  ­  
    
   ­                                 .    
      
Was actually my own

My love is like magic.
If you don't believe in it,
It will not exist
It will not be gone...
                           
It will simply-- Cease to be.

I have suicidal depression--
                                        and no,  I don't want to tell you about it.

I'd rather hide it from you (if I could)
And bury it the way you might do with someone you once loved

Maybe sharing their pain if only just for the moment...

I don't want you to sympathize with me either. It's not that kind of sad I'm afraid..

I need this to hurt me, because if it doesn't I won't learn that it isn't okay to feel this way.

A long and outlasting life will be my punishment for this.  I will die in valour and bury this axe where cessation lies dormant

Never to be shared with you

My sickness fully contained.  I will vanquish this demon inside myself.

I will starve before it feeds. I solemnly swear this exorcism on your behalf.

You will never know

My pain.

No offense but the way you immediately assume my life is better then yours really bothers me a lot..

And I'm not afraid to speak my mind like some other people...

I'm sorry you took my opinion so personally

But I never meant it as a direct insult on you as a human being...

I was doing my very best to be gentle with your feelings, but your barrage of negativity just wore me down..

I tried to stay positive for both of us but you flipped your lid and wouldn't calm down or listen to reason..

I tried to help you back out of the roadway but what could stop you from doing damage to yourself??

Clearly not my good intentions..

So if you won't forgive me then perhaps you will leave me-- In peace.

Before any real damage ever needs to occur.

I'm not putting up with you just because you acted out like a child.

That's childish.
And I won't condone that.

...Never before have I been so alone

Even my shadow has left me now,

My best friend has gone silent

And even I am without words left to say

I feel as though the world itself would stop if I were to cry out now

I want to walk away

To just walk out

And go so far away that when any of you realise that I'm gone it will already be too late to follow me

No footprints in the snow left to track...

I want to be gone from here-- To be free

Or maybe just.... %$#!!!!

                                      ...Never mind

My mom always used to say if you don't have anything nice to say then say

3:37 PM

Monday,

November,

Present Date....

Alive,

Awaiting Objectives.

Tirelessly I am searching

Reaching for another answer or something else that makes sense

A self-fulfilling prophecy - I shoot myself in the face

Unavoidable

Desolate and Worthless.

I am the source of my deepest grief

An obsession and fixation that can not be shaken.

I am forsaken

Lost

It is the only path that I choose

My muse - I may never let this go

With me in my dreams forever
"I will be scarred for life"

It has little to do with the light that changes our view.
Playing tricks on our eyes is it's surrender.
It gives away it's position to us-- while we stand looking in the wrong direction entirely (almost perpetually)



Dumb-Struck it seems...

Until  we close our eyes (we convince ourselves) "I will struggle", "I can't see", "I won't find love"

But the answer, my friend, I give to you:
Be free.
I will love you.
And you can see anything, if all you want to be is "me"

I reveal to you strength from within.
Now





                                    
           ­                             just





                          ­                                                                 ­  Breathe.

Moving with the flow of the motion I can sense the disturbance as it ripples silently across my ceiling

Jaded and effortless

It leaves my sight seeing me farther then my eyes will permit me to.

Observing me
                                            

                ­        -Omnipotently-



Keen eyed. Faceless and brazen.
               It mocks me with open contempt

Daring me to lean out and touch it
Instantly ready to be ripped away

Gratified by my indignity.

Cackling haggishly,

I sense the word ***** cross your lips momentarily before biting your tongue.

I want to wretch but worry it would only deepen your delight...

You enjoy watching me squirm don't you?

                                                   ...Father


Can you hear me now?
                        Calling out to you again...

As the air escapes my innards,  I exaust a sigh most listlessly foul.

It is not the last breath that we will share this day... But I wish that it was.

Fading in static,
I vanish from speculation entirely

I am ethereal

I slip through a closed door phantomous -- My driving need absolved

              I am cured (Temporarily)

Dead in my own eyes and abandon in my mind

I pass voicelessly through the terminal - - unrecognised

I am more alive then a lifetime of living

Exuberant; I erupt with silent joy that gushes from my open chest cavity

Evacuating the pavement
                       -
washing away organically

I don't think I Can help myself any more...
I'm just hardwired this way

I wish there was more to it but I just keep proving myself wrong. There is no bottom

It just keeps going

Maybe I should toss a stone(r)
                                    Down...
            ­                                       and...
                                                                ­  
                                                              se­e...  
                                                          ­                
                                                ­                        just how...

                                                         ­                             far...

                            ­                                                                 ­     it...

                                                     ­                                                      falls...

Maybe it'll hit rock bottom?

A peeling shadow turns to watch me as a passerby

Sliding flush with their surroundings...

Invisible

All details are distorted--Black

Blotting all that I see

Silent it's communicator
                                             These transmissions you receive...

An eerie glow

Unnatural; a lifeless shade of dull white turning blue

                                  

                                     Momentarily mesmerising...



I tear my thoughts away

Mind clouded

Reality snaps back in check!



Shade figures subsiding...

Walking through their gaunt doorways



Reminiscing



All time is forgotten...
                                       ...But for now



A painted shadow on the window blind

Is all that's left to see

She beckons to see me come to her but runs away when she's seen I've done so...

Sell your life for their coins, their papers and their lies    
   
Tell yourself the week is nearly over when climb into bed and die    
   
Sell your soul for a cheque    
   
Your hard earned life    
   
An hour for a couple bucks...    
   
Seems fair right?    
   
Building a pyramid we will never live long enough to rest in    
   
Breaking your back as the working class hero...    
   
This ball and chain keeping me captive to this horror show that only plays repeats of your favorite B-movies    
   
Always ready to be replaced by the next worst season of "Friends"    
   
I am trapped    
   
Bound by that which I am forced to see and taste and touch    
   
Compelled by this meaningless reality to go on existing under the confines of a life built on our forefathers' lives    
   
Selling ourselves to "the man" like blind, impotent and ******* ******    
   
A slave for hire

I wish I could of captured the contentment that you showed to me

Or even just still-framed it in my mind...



So I could look back and reflect upon it and see how you used to be contented in me
As I once was contented in you

Sometimes...

I don't know where I am

                                                             ­                                       Sometimes...

I laugh until I cry and then laugh some more

 Sometimes...

I wonder when or if I will find new direction

                                                      ­                                                 Sometimes...

I help out a complete stranger for no good reason at all
                                                             ­                                 
Sometimes...

I contemplate how much I value my own life
 
                                                         ­                                             Sometimes...

I make someone else's day significantly better
                                                      ­      
Sometimes...

I don't feel the light inside of myself

                                                         ­                                           Sometimes...

I day dream for what seems like hours on end with absolutely no consequence what so ever
                                                            ­                                  
Sometimes...

I forget important things easily and as a result don't always follow through with what I say and what I do...
                                                           ­                                  Sometimes...

I arrive in the nick of time to save the day
                                                           ­                                 
Sometimes...

I don't show up to somebody's final event and as a result miss the opportunity entirely
                                                        ­                                     Sometimes...

I reach out to people who need it

                                                             ­                               
Sometimes...


I let myself go






But no matter how the time weathers my bones I MUST NOT allow this sickness to entomb my vessel. I was born FREE--a child of the earth and sun. I take flight upon the crest of the dawn and fade ethereally with the passing of dusk.




                                              Sometimes...­








**I Float Away

So here I wait

Waiting for what seemed like ever

In a room just as equally boring and lifeless as the floor design

It was a grey concrete slab... With a tarnished boot-scuff finish

Almost as foreboding as the fifteen or more empty chairs that had surrounded me

The coffee stand adjacent to me is a drunk!

It could barely stand on it's own two feet

"Clearly the obvious choice for human example" I thought to myself

What a surprise that we should me in a place so...  "Quaint?"

I'm simply Gushing with delight--Or maybe boredom

I haven't yet decided

In the corner there was a sailboat, that I had missed at first glance

(Perhaps the most well defined specimen of us all)

Dressed in what must have been the finest craftsmanship!
--Which was duly noted by the sneakers...

That stood awkwardly to the side of it

It seemed as though none of us there truly belonged but just as I had reached waning attention--

NEXT!

My workday had begun

Waiting for the bus and beginning to lose my mind...

A minute turns to four, then twelve and now half an hour has passed me by...

Time keeps ticking, the sun keeps setting and the longer I sit the more I feel my rot

Calling to hear what I already know-- The bus aint' coming...And my inpatients grows!

No further ahead, no closer to my goal...

Just left behind...

                           By the bus that never showed

I find it odd how as time goes on we find a reason to set down even our most valuable possessions in place of something new..

Something you had once sworn to be your life-blood can become more like your daily bread.


Not necessarily   necessary....


I guess even diamonds lose their lustre at some point....

It was only after getting excited, buying decorations, dressing up the house and inviting all the guests that this new never before known terror had dawned upon me...





...I had just arranged to have my entire home flooded with friends, family and strangers alike....







...And I have the worst case of suppressed social anxiety of anyone I know!

The worst part about it is I'm still not even 100% certain that this dream will not come to fruition

And it scares me to think that every time it starts to breech the horizon I still wonder if I will see the light of dawn...

Let me taste the smouldering ashes of your regret

I want you to feel me burning this time

Just a whiff just will not cut the mustard this day..

I need to know your sorry but not through your words or your actions

I want it to be sewn to my life ****** so I can show the world how I've been wronged.

I need to stumble this time for real, coughing air too intoxicated to breathe and spit blood I know for certainty could not of been my own.

To paralyse this fear in me and finally have something to call my own




This moment


"I wanted to breathe smoke"

I feel somehow that they have mislabelled you

Perhaps just penned you in the wrong ink...

I'm not sure

It seems when I try to describe you, the idea goes sailing away and never anchors home

Slippery one might say...

As the man crawling out from beneath the wreckage of a rolled-over vehicle, slathered face to shins, in blood and *****

And the words that had beckoned to him
Now thoroughly lost...

Nothing more then a few gruelling moments in agony before it was just a memory and a phrase that didn't quite seem to fit...

Unreal. What did that word even mean?

It felt insulting.

As though the momentary terror that had consumed your reality was nothing more then a passing storm -- No more then a ghost or a Flying Dutchman...

But could the same not be said for it all?

Is any of this really what we came here for?

The choice alone is too much for me not to waste it and I fear if I leave it for too long that the choice will inevitably make itself...

But perhaps maybe that in turn is the choice

--The freedom to be or not...

What do you mean come to the wake?

Aren't you coming over still?

I thought you had a show next week...

Wasn't that you on the phone the other day?

When did we last speak?

Was it in good context as I remember it was?

I just can't conceive to believe that you're not.

How can I come to your wake when I'm still only dreaming?

Who will I go with?

Surely not you...

It couldn't be.

I just won't believe. I'm not going to leave.

I can't be at a wake for a man that hasn't died yet...

I simply refuse to believe.

It is in this moment of shame that I am most dishonoured

I can physically hear the folds of my clothing rumple as I collapse into the sidewalk of my mind-- skull fragments reverberating off the backs of my teeth and echoing dully in the absence of mind.

Silently and absently, I will expire -- My final call

Again

              
                 and


                               Again


I will die here...
                               Even if only just in a dream