I suppose it’s a good thing
That I don’t gamble
Because I would’ve lost it all
Betting on us

I have this part of me,
A glaringly large part of me,
That I must hide from the world.
Symptoms, thoughts, feelings, and emotions
that I have to cram into a little lunchbox.
By the end of the day this little box weighs
a hundred pounds,
And I alone unpack it's contents
every night.

It's exhausting.
And I'm tired.

I love rainy days.
I feel like it’s the earths way
Of reminding us
That it’s okay to slow down

I love a rainy day.
It’s the day for lovers
For criers
For readers
For writers.
It’s a day of cleansing
And reset.

She was both the storm
And the sanctuary
At once.
A comforting ferocity
The kind of storm you would readily run into
Instead of away from

The first time I met you,
it wasn’t love at first sight.
Instead,
it was a slow melody,
building to the most earth shattering crescendo.

It’s late, and I can’t sleep.
I’m thinking about the way your
hand always felt so weightless in mine,
but the absence of it—of you—
feels so heavy.

It’s late, and I can’t sleep.
I’m thinking about the way
the beat of your heart
and the waves of your breathing
created a rhythm just for my soul.

It’s late, and I can’t sleep.
I’m thinking about the way
the skin crinkles at the corners of your eyes
whenever you smile or laugh.

It’s late, and I can’t sleep
Cause now I sleep alone
And the bed feels so cold

It’s late
And I can’t sleep

To be loved is to be seen
And I never realized just how invisible I felt
Until you came along
And saw me in full color

Teetering on the edge of my existence,
I do not fear death.
As she extends her hand to me
She whispers promises of infinite
peace
And happiness
And nothingness
As I look into her luring eyes
I finally feel at ease
with everything I’d leave behind

One by one
the list gets longer.
Promises of friendship
turn into nothing more than tourism.
The word "goodbye"
has built a permanent home
On the tip of my tongue.
But despite the familiarity,
It still leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth.
Will it always be like this?

For so long
I’ve made plans and spoken of my future
With no intention of getting there.
How nice it is to be reminded sometimes
That life is a beautiful thing
And still worth living

Why do I love you
Why do I care
You’ve destroyed me completely
Yet you call and I’m there.

You could rip out my heart
And hand it to me on a silver platter
And I would still love you

And as I tumble through the pages
Of my favorite books,
I fantasize of a better place;
Of a life that isn’t mine;
One where I am courageous
And strong
And unbreakable.
I fantasize of a place
Where I am the heroine
Instead of the villain
In my own story.
I fantasize of this place
And pray for that world to swallow me whole

I long for the days of in between.
The days where I don’t feel like I’m drowning
Or dying of thirst.

I’ve collected many things in my life
But my favorite
Are the memories and stories
I share with you

My depression
Has changed the colors of the world
But how fond I have grown
Of the shades of blue and grey
In which I live

I like sad things.
Sad things make me happy.
Sad things make me feel
Less alone

I have learned to love my scars.
Despite the pain behind them
They serve as a reminder
Of all the times
I decided life is worth living.

I truly think our souls
Are eternally intertwined.
I will find you
And love you
In every lifetime.

I wish you could see yourself through the eyes
Of everyone who loves you.
Maybe then
You’d never doubt yourself again

Our love healed me so completely
It should only makes sense
For it to be the thing
That breaks me so wholly

I wanted to spend forever with you.
I guess I didn’t realize how much
I already intertwined our forever
Into my life
Until I had to spend my nights alone
Trying to create a future
With the leftover pieces of my life
That Weren’t touched by you.

When I feel numb
I long to feel something.
Anything.
But on the days that I feel something
I pray to feel nothing at all.

I came to you
with all of my insecurities
tattooed on my soul.
And the words
"I'm sorry"
dripping from my tongue.

You met me with tenderness
patience
and open arms.
and filled me with so much love
that for the first time
I felt safe.

When I say "I love you"
what I meant was,
I have never felt so at home
anywhere
or with anyone.
My mind,
my soul,
my heart,
has never felt such peace.

As I look around
my poorly grown flowers,
Sparse,
and half dying,
you're the only one who has ever
sat in my garden
and told me how beautiful it was.

I miss the days
where our final kisses
were to bid each other goodnight,
not good bye.

I just want to hear you say
that you hate the word goodbye
as much as I do.

Falling in love with you
Was as easy and natural
as falling asleep.
If only it were just as easy
To wake up

The air I breathe
Feels like bricks
In my chest

Wake up
Go to work
Lay in bed alone
Feeling the crushing weight
Of loneliness
And all my past mistakes.

Repeat

Meeting you
Was like listening
To my favorite song
For the very first time
And already knowing
All the words

Already knowing
It’d be my favorite.

Loving you is like being awake
But falling into the sweetest dream.

And now,
the only constant in my life
is my depression

in my dreams
i am drowing in a sea of emotion.
my head held just below the surface of the water
and all i have to breathe through is a straw

I wish for a love
As romantic
As the moon

and when i see you
with your new love as i pass by
the smile and the laugh
of a man that was once mine
maybe that's just how all of this
is supposed to be

I think of our life
and how special our love was
I worry no time can heal
the loss of what was once ours
I just pray to god that
you won't forget about me.

from the first date we went on
i knew that i loved you
adventures awaited
we shared all of the best views.
i think of our memories
and how they're a full lifetimes worth.

and since you've been gone
i've lost all motivation
the house that i live in
rests on shaky foundation
your love was the last thing
truly keeping me down on this earth.

And as time passes on
i know you'll forget all about me
the love that we shared
just a whisper of memory
you'll move on with your life
and leave me behind in '24

we had plans for our future
and the rest of our lives
ready to take on the world
and whatever problem arise
it just kills me to know
that I can't call you mine anymore

Some days are good days
Some days are bad days
Some days I simply exist

I loved you with my entire heart
my entire soul
my entire existence.
Every broken part of me
belonged to you.

The curtains close
And leave me in a suffocating darkness.
My senses shut down
And I feel trapped.
My depression, the only thing in the room that I can acknowledge
Sweeps me into her arms
And comforts me with the idea
Of eternity.

I would crawl
across broken glass
just for another chance
at a love like ours.

You were the last thing tethering me here

The curtains close
And leave me in suffocating darkness.
My senses shut down
As I scramble for some semblance of safety.
Only once the curtains have lifted
And the light shines through
Am I able to see the extent
Of the chaos and destruction that I’ve created
It’s like a dissociated nightmare
And a lucid front row seat
To the brutal and ugly aftermath

It’s getting late now
So pull me in tight
Whisper I love you
And kiss me goodnight
Before you go

Will you remember me
When you go away
Cause I was kinda hoping
that you would stay

Won’t you stay my dear
I promise it’s worth it
We’ll be together
Like it’s the last night of the earth yeah
We’ll sit and watch as the stars explode
But they’ll never shine as bright as your soul
And I promise that I’ll never let you go

It’s getting late now
So let’s look to the sky
Make wishes on airplanes as they
Float on by
I’ll run away
The moment you say so
Just take my hand
I don’t care where we go

Won’t you stay my dear
I promise it’s worth it
We’ll be together
Like it’s the last night of the earth yeah
We’ll sit and watch as the stars explode
But they’ll never shine as bright as your soul
And I promise that I’ll never let you go

So don’t change your mind
We’ll leave this town behind
So don’t change your mind
We’ll leave this town behind

Won’t you stay my dear
I promise it’s worth it
We’ll be together
Like it’s the last night of the earth yeah
We’ll sit and watch as the stars explode
But they’ll never shine as bright as your soul
And I promise that I’ll never let you go

I hate that I’m not stronger
I hate that I’m so scared
I hate the control that you still have
I hate that I still care
I hate that I can’t cut you off
That my lips can’t say goodbye
I hate that you still make me laugh
I hate that you still make me cry.
I hate that the only time I write
Is when I’m writing about you
That after everything that’s happened
Your love is still my muse.  
I hate the fact that I still love you
Even if it’s not the same
I hate that we’re in this ******* mess
And I’m the one to blame.
But mostly I wish I hated you
As much as I hate me
Cause maybe then I would be happier
Maybe then I’d finally feel free.

I am defeated
As I lay myself bare
I have nothing left to give

The same lonely walls
Sterile rooms
And dead eyes