I woke up early that day
but once I peeled open my eyes
realisation clouded them
as reality blinded me,

I fell asleep that day
despiration pulling me away
from the atrocities of the waking world
as I lay in bed crying and wailing,

A bit of me died with you that day
as my heart did fall apart
solemn and invisible
but I still feel you now
and know you never left
because I woke up early that day
to spend more time with you.

I miss you everyday
These constant reminders dig into my brain
Like thousands of miners
Deep underground

I miss you all the time
Wishing you were here with me still
Longing to hug you
One last time

I miss you more then ever
Even after almost a year
The pain radiates in every beat
Of my still alive heart

I'm always worried people hate me
That they see my name in the notification and sigh
That they dread seeing me but feel guilty not to
That they say my name with spite and anger
when telling others about me

I see people and my eyes light up
I think there's do too
They have a bright smile stretched over their face
which I don't even know if it's true
or a false facade to hide their rage

I felt relief
although my heart did stop with grief
the silence hugged me tightly
wrapping it's warm arms around me

The relentless barking is gone
but your steady beating heart is too
your hair I used to brush
is now buried under smooth ground

Most hate sun burns
the harsh shine of the sun
the tingling pain left behind
aching limbs which are bright red
like the sun's surface itself

I wait for the burn to pass
each hour reapplying aloe vera
to my aching joints
before bed I smother in the stuff
at which point I twist and turn.
Finding an angle in which my scorched skin
does not touch a surface proved to be a difficult task

But on the silver side of things
my kisses from the sun do pass
as does the sun itself.
In a cycle year after year
the sun never ceases to hug me
between it's busy schedule of keeping Earth alive
The most important job of all.

I ooze despair
I leak despiration
it pools at my feet
warns others of the misery
till me soal does leave
my lifeless shell
my sagging skin

I watch you
you leave slowly
inching away
does guilt wrap you?
tether you still
close to me
the pool does drift you anyway
and away you go.

buzz, buzz
the bees used to sing
tweet, tweet
the birds would call

media does buzz
twitter does tweet
the worthless leader
who's would does crumble
with one critic
to their fragile identity

buzz, tweet
phone, twitter
the old World does know
simplicity has power
gone will it be
just as the bees

The pillars crumble and
the walls crack but
I don't just watch it fall
I don't just do nothing at all

I grab my sledgehammer and
I try to swing but
a hand reached out
a voice tried to shout

The nonexistent sirens and
the deafening loud noise but
I don't hear a single thing
I only know a single ring

I look back and
I no longer see a person but
a shadow I knew
a memory that's no longer true

I wish I didn't care
that innocents die whilst I write stupid poems
that human lives are treated as despensable
that people suffer death over petty disputes
in a world run by toddlers

I wish I could live in ignorance
that I did not know the worlds struggles
that people starve in poverty
whilst I make a mess of baking cupcakes
that animals are beaten and abandoned
humans abused

I wish I didn't care
I wish I had the attitude of the rich
in their posh gold thrones
with the power to end the problems
but no will to

The justice systems broken
****** should have a longer sentence then assault
but somehow in the punishment of people
morals were forgotten
people were no longer human
these questions of morality were lost
in laws that looks as though written by robots
now dictate the outcome of human lives

What if your murdering a ******?
That should have a shorter sentence
then if your assaulting an innocent individual
the justice systems broken
I know that to be true
I hope you do too

My paintings come to life
Springing off the paper
Pulling their self in to the real world
that I pay to escape

dancing around my room
they leap and frolic
before my sleeping face and dormant eyes
my dreams full of colour
felling that my art is with me

A hand cradled my heart
holding on tight
it's palm faced upwards

A hand held my heart together
as it shattered slowly
fragments falling to the floor

A hand clung on to my heart
it was grief
wrapping it's long boney fingers round my beating muscle,
still two pieces were taken
not stolen,
not given away,
two parts of my heart disappeared

never to be seen again.

'Its just a phase'
words we've all heard
throughout our young life
but those letters hide silent homophobia
they portray gayness as a passing fad
a trend of the youth
a ploy that will fall away
before we are grown

but we'll always be here
add we have been forever
in the spinster maids and roommates
who's legacy we all protect
in times of both deafening and silent homophobia

If I had a choice
Would I still be political
Would I still root for justice
equal opportunities for all

If I had a choice
Would I still care
Would I see the poverty
struggles of everyday people

If I had a choice
Would I still believe in everyone's right to a voice
Would I still support everyone's basic rights
If I was a rich straight man

But I'm not
So hypothetically it doesn't matter
Cause I am who I am now
And I'm not rich
And I'm not straight
And I'm not a man.

Being Gay is just a phase!
These words are always on their lips
Shared through grownups chatter
and by the always buzzing media

But then without an ounce of compassion
When we're meant to be finding ourselves
Our freedoms is taken
Our actions are restricted
Our etiquette is controlled

Until we grow old when
They say we'll be more responsible
That we'll have learnt how to act
The proper way we should behave
But I know the way I want to be
So if I have to hide it
In order to stop their talk and gossip
Until I'm deamed worthy to think for myself

So when they used to say
that being gay is just a phase
that we could change our brains
they instead taught us to conform
to keep things how they always have been
so we'll grow old and lose our charm
to be how they want us to be

I don't think I've ever missed anyone
The feeling feels unknown
frightening
Because whilst I take notices of people absences
Because whilst I care about them deeply
I've never had the feeling
Of being too alone without them
Of wondering what they're doing
Of wanting them to be thinking about me
My heart has never ached for them
to have them by my side

Im unsure if this makes me bad
a bad daughter
a bad sister
a bad friend
an undeserving figure in others lives
Do I not merit their loving care
or their warm bright stare?

I sketch my face
The unusual silhouette created by my hair
Whispy pieces blowing in my face
Resting on my chubby cheeks
That do protect my lips graceful arch
My noses flat tip

I fill in the colour
My skin red as I blush
Mixed with my natural warm yellow tones
That hide beneath the surface

I wore no makeup
No foundation or bronzer
No concealer or highlighter
No lip gloss or eyeshadow
Bare skin looking back at me

I paint an image of my face
It does not look the same as the one I Invision
I wonder if I'm a bad artist
Or have never seen my true self before

I love being home alone

The peaceful knowledge
of having no expectations placed onto you

The welcoming silence
of solely your own voice and opinions

The loving embrace
of the warm air all to yourself

I love being home alone
Just me and the walls
But sometimes it gets dark
The sun setting early
The air becoming stiffer
Aware of my idleness

Summer used to be torture
hours of hiding behind my beach towel
days of starving myself to look good in a bikini

During the hot season I'd make myself small
hiding away in corners
in dark shadows out of sight

But now my voice does not shrink
I stand tall with pride
in my swimming costume
Now my biggest concern
is the sun burns I may get

My life would be complete
If I were to die right now
All because of this song
That has blasted in my ears
for only the past twelve minutes
but I'm sure I'll listen to it for another hour
before I finally drift to sleep
with the music still in my ears
so if I didn't wake up
as least I died happy

I don't know how many understand this feeling
the notes connecting with your soal
so they sing in harmony
as a wave of relaxation crashes over you
to the beat of this rhythm
that you'll sure you'll never forget
so that when your sixty
you'll tap your feet the same as you do now
and feel this joyful emotion
in your final waking hours
because I don't think I'll ever connect to anything more than I do to this melody

lines used to swarm my arm
whilst tears dropped down my face
now the scars have faded, disappearing
whilst tears drop down my face

Arm wrapped around my neck
laughter encased my ears
skipping as you do,
out the school gate.
Her bright smile
did glow like the sun
her warm eyes
were stars dancing gracefully.

As children we did play together
giggling all days long
now together still
we enjoy our short time
the minutes we sneak between revision
are my favourite of all.

The fairy's would spin and twirl
through the long green grass
where the daffodils to grow
so the wind rarely blows
now their wings are cut
so the pixies do not soar
they trudge in the mud
drenched in the rain

Vampire teeth are filed down
Dracula no longer smiles
as no one skitters at the sight of his grin
in their shadows they lived as monsters
free from societies constraints
now dentists approve of their teeth
but they still jump from shadow to shadow
scared of the truth they can't bare to face

Santas sleigh can not fly
it used to leap magestically
between warm rooftops
where smoke does rise out the chimney
but now the reindeers are tired
their hoofs cemented to the ground
bells no longer ringing against the wind
the nights are now silent

So now I'm left to wonder
and I really do ponder
has this magic disappeared
or is it just lost to me?

I miss the days of simplicity
The ignorance I never got to appreciate
When the news was miles away
Just words inscribed on a page
I miss the days that I never loved
The past I never before hoped to relive
I miss when problems were mine alone
I miss when I could fix it
I miss when it was easy to just put the knife down
To pull it away from my skin
But now millions hold a knife
Whilst the rest sit and watch

I walk through the forest
A single set of footprints
Imprinted in the wet mud

A solitary bird
Swoops beside me
Before flying towards it's family

A lone squirrel
Runs up the tree I rest beside
Hoarding it's nuts for its winter nap

A single slug
Chasing a leaf blowing in the wind
Which I carefully place infront of it

Ants march all together
Supporting eachother through the water
Together they all march
I wish I was one too
So I'd never again walk by myself

My heart aches
pain spilling over
watering the plants
that grow in the dirt above you
as flowers do sprout

I pick them
you never were a fan
of how they swayed gently in the wind
tethered by roots to the ground
you preferred to move wild and free
and though your body can no more,
I feel your soal with me
so I do run along with you

The words I say feel fake
as they pour out my mouth,
a river of assurance
hiding a false facade

My days are filled
with hoping my mask never falls,
but it's glass anyway
that attempts to conceal my face

My cheeks rosey red
as I grind my teeth together,
a pit of worry in my stomach
turns my mind over

A poets a lost musician
the talents a gift
the ability to compose poems
arrange words in a fitting way
to evoke strong reactions

However their doomed to a life
searching for their band
a group of people
to accompany them in life
the void of which
will grant the depth of sadness
deep into their writing

The music they've lost
forced to live without
haunts their poem
dancing between the lines
of emotional burden.

If someone I knew were to find my poems
Would they laugh mockingly
knowing the words were about them
never sharing in their emotion

Or would they cry
seeing my true feelings
how much they reflect their own
could they understand the pain hidden in the words

Or would they not care
carrying on with their life after seeing my worst side
Ignoring me now they know I'm not perfect
That I'm not someone who acts rationally
in the face of emotions
Instead choosing to dress up my emotions
in pretty gowns and dresses
to try blend them into the beauty of my life

If someone I knew
were to read the words of my worst emotions
would they leave me

I decide to conquer the maze
A labyrinth sprawled ahead of me
LEFT
I run around brisk corners
hope sleeping out my heart
RIGHT
my stride is strong and fast
my hair blowing in the wind
RIGHT
but I halt rapidly
the path drawing to an end
I turn around and continue my run
but am faced only by dead ends
is there really any way through
or is this all a hopeless endeavour?

I read books again and again,
the characters comfort me
as we grow close over time
their actions predictable
their thoughts always positive
their attitude unbeatable

I read books again and again,
I'm not afraid to say
that I love these people
imprinted on the page,
My time is spent
choosing to continue our journey
a decision they can not make themselves

For my friends in these words
they do not know me or know of me
that I observe them
commenting on their world
which I myself will never get to live in,
Even so with them as my vessel
I do try my best
by reading my books again and again.

Sometimes I feel guilty
for all the stories I will never read
for the character who's wisdom I'll never know
for the books I leave untouched
as all these tales hold the authors heart
their beliefs and values they aspired to share
the world's they wished they lived in
the friends they wished they had
which I will now never know

My days been a horrible one
for no specific reason.
I lay in bed I'm boredom
scrolling endlessly on my phone
in a desperate attempt to preoccupy my mind
away from the decisions that plague me

All day I tried to break this curse
of this neverending scroll.
My attempts to pry my face from the screen
have been continuously unsuccessful

However, now the rain does fall outside
comforting me greatly
even in the peak of summer
the world does give me the greatest gift
the ocean
the rivers
the ponds
falling outside my window

So with my cat sleeping by my side
I vow to drop my phone and pick up my book
as though I may not get up from my vertical position
as though the sun's getting ready to sleep
this day is still mine and I'll spend it how I please