I lost my friends
I still get their messages
I still type out a reply
out of formality if anything

At this point I don't know why I try
when they so carelessly discard my feelings
saying they're too busy to meet up
then sending me pictures of them together
whilst I sit at home alone
not even ten minutes away

I try to create
to make art
to write poems
it all seems fake now
the brush strokes
the empty words

I try to create
whilst watching other people successes
They're so much better than me
they're so much further than me,
I wonder if my journey was once there's
if they shared this feeling one time

I woke up early that day
but once I peeled open my eyes
realisation clouded them
as reality blinded me,

I fell asleep that day
despiration pulling me away
from the atrocities of the waking world
as I lay in bed crying and wailing,

A bit of me died with you that day
as my heart did fall apart
solemn and invisible
but I still feel you now
and know you never left
because I woke up early that day
to spend more time with you.

I miss you everyday
These constant reminders dig into my brain
Like thousands of miners
Deep underground

I miss you all the time
Wishing you were here with me still
Longing to hug you
One last time

I miss you more then ever
Even after almost a year
The pain radiates in every beat
Of my still alive heart

I felt relief
although my heart did stop with grief
the silence hugged me tightly
wrapping it's warm arms around me

The relentless barking is gone
but your steady beating heart is too
your hair I used to brush
is now buried under smooth ground

Most hate sun burns
the harsh shine of the sun
the tingling pain left behind
aching limbs which are bright red
like the sun's surface itself

I wait for the burn to pass
each hour reapplying aloe vera
to my aching joints
before bed I smother in the stuff
at which point I twist and turn.
Finding an angle in which my scorched skin
does not touch a surface proved to be a difficult task

But on the silver side of things
my kisses from the sun do pass
as does the sun itself.
In a cycle year after year
the sun never ceases to hug me
between it's busy schedule of keeping Earth alive
The most important job of all.

I'm always worried people hate me
That they see my name in the notification and sigh
That they dread seeing me but feel guilty not to
That they say my name with spite and anger
when telling others about me

I see people and my eyes light up
I think there's do too
They have a bright smile stretched over their face
which I don't even know if it's true
or a false facade to hide their rage

I sketch my face
The unusual silhouette created by my hair
Whispy pieces blowing in my face
Resting on my chubby cheeks
That do protect my lips graceful arch
My noses flat tip

I fill in the colour
My skin red as I blush
Mixed with my natural warm yellow tones
That hide beneath the surface

I wore no makeup
No foundation or bronzer
No concealer or highlighter
No lip gloss or eyeshadow
Bare skin looking back at me

I paint an image of my face
It does not look the same as the one I Invision
I wonder if I'm a bad artist
Or have never seen my true self before

Arm wrapped around my neck
laughter encased my ears
skipping as you do,
out the school gate.
Her bright smile
did glow like the sun
her warm eyes
were stars dancing gracefully.

As children we did play together
giggling all days long
now together still
we enjoy our short time
the minutes we sneak between revision
are my favourite of all.

A poets a lost musician
the talents a gift
the ability to compose poems
arrange words in a fitting way
to evoke strong reactions

However their doomed to a life
searching for their band
a group of people
to accompany them in life
the void of which
will grant the depth of sadness
deep into their writing

The music they've lost
forced to live without
haunts their poem
dancing between the lines
of emotional burden.

I ooze despair
I leak despiration
it pools at my feet
warns others of the misery
till me soal does leave
my lifeless shell
my sagging skin

I watch you
you leave slowly
inching away
does guilt wrap you?
tether you still
close to me
the pool does drift you anyway
and away you go.

Shadows are a funny thing aren't they?
always with you by your side
a constant in your life
waving at you when you spot your friend
smiling at you when your on your walk
hugging you when you embrace your loved one

Shadows are a funny thing aren't they?
hanging of your feet
they're always there
even as you clutch you heart and fall,
until your inside your coffin
with the sun nailed out
it fades away forever,
it's life gone with yours.

I miss the days of simplicity
The ignorance I never got to appreciate
When the news was miles away
Just words inscribed on a page
I miss the days that I never loved
The past I never before hoped to relive
I miss when problems were mine alone
I miss when I could fix it
I miss when it was easy to just put the knife down
To pull it away from my skin
But now millions hold a knife
Whilst the rest sit and watch

I don't think I've ever missed anyone
The feeling feels unknown
frightening
Because whilst I take notices of people absences
Because whilst I care about them deeply
I've never had the feeling
Of being too alone without them
Of wondering what they're doing
Of wanting them to be thinking about me
My heart has never ached for them
to have them by my side

Im unsure if this makes me bad
a bad daughter
a bad sister
a bad friend
an undeserving figure in others lives
Do I not merit their loving care
or their warm bright stare?

which way do you turn
when you don't know what's on either side
of the dessert path
both could be a pool of gleaming water
both could be dry land forever

stuck in indesision
I peer down both walkways
unable to move my feet
with only one day to make my decision,
the clock ticking away

buzz, buzz
the bees used to sing
tweet, tweet
the birds would call

media does buzz
twitter does tweet
the worthless leader
who's would does crumble
with one critic
to their fragile identity

buzz, tweet
phone, twitter
the old World does know
simplicity has power
gone will it be
just as the bees

My life would be complete
If I were to die right now
All because of this song
That has blasted in my ears
for only the past twelve minutes
but I'm sure I'll listen to it for another hour
before I finally drift to sleep
with the music still in my ears
so if I didn't wake up
as least I died happy

I don't know how many understand this feeling
the notes connecting with your soal
so they sing in harmony
as a wave of relaxation crashes over you
to the beat of this rhythm
that you'll sure you'll never forget
so that when your sixty
you'll tap your feet the same as you do now
and feel this joyful emotion
in your final waking hours
because I don't think I'll ever connect to anything more than I do to this melody

Summer used to be torture
hours of hiding behind my beach towel
days of starving myself to look good in a bikini

During the hot season I'd make myself small
hiding away in corners
in dark shadows out of sight

But now my voice does not shrink
I stand tall with pride
in my swimming costume
Now my biggest concern
is the sun burns I may get

My heart aches
pain spilling over
watering the plants
that grow in the dirt above you
as flowers do sprout

I pick them
you never were a fan
of how they swayed gently in the wind
tethered by roots to the ground
you preferred to move wild and free
and though your body can no more,
I feel your soal with me
so I do run along with you

The fairy's would spin and twirl
through the long green grass
where the daffodils to grow
so the wind rarely blows
now their wings are cut
so the pixies do not soar
they trudge in the mud
drenched in the rain

Vampire teeth are filed down
Dracula no longer smiles
as no one skitters at the sight of his grin
in their shadows they lived as monsters
free from societies constraints
now dentists approve of their teeth
but they still jump from shadow to shadow
scared of the truth they can't bare to face

Santas sleigh can not fly
it used to leap magestically
between warm rooftops
where smoke does rise out the chimney
but now the reindeers are tired
their hoofs cemented to the ground
bells no longer ringing against the wind
the nights are now silent

So now I'm left to wonder
and I really do ponder
has this magic disappeared
or is it just lost to me?

I decide to conquer the maze
A labyrinth sprawled ahead of me
LEFT
I run around brisk corners
hope sleeping out my heart
RIGHT
my stride is strong and fast
my hair blowing in the wind
RIGHT
but I halt rapidly
the path drawing to an end
I turn around and continue my run
but am faced only by dead ends
is there really any way through
or is this all a hopeless endeavour?

words fall out my mouth,
finding no ears to cling on to
they tumble to ground

climbing up from the dusty floor
where it had never been
until you boarded up the path

they scramble up your jeans
clinging to the rough surface
up towards your bright top

Infront of your eyes they rest
seen by no one as they hide in plain sight
your pupil too focused on the past

circling your head
they search hurriedly for an entrance
but it's too late
you jump into the deep end
and don't come up for air

I wish I didn't care
that innocents die whilst I write stupid poems
that human lives are treated as despensable
that people suffer death over petty disputes
in a world run by toddlers

I wish I could live in ignorance
that I did not know the worlds struggles
that people starve in poverty
whilst I make a mess of baking cupcakes
that animals are beaten and abandoned
humans abused

I wish I didn't care
I wish I had the attitude of the rich
in their posh gold thrones
with the power to end the problems
but no will to

The pillars crumble and
the walls crack but
I don't just watch it fall
I don't just do nothing at all

I grab my sledgehammer and
I try to swing but
a hand reached out
a voice tried to shout

The nonexistent sirens and
the deafening loud noise but
I don't hear a single thing
I only know a single ring

I look back and
I no longer see a person but
a shadow I knew
a memory that's no longer true

tears pushed by my brain
they overstayed their welcome
they're now locked outside

If I had a choice
Would I still be political
Would I still root for justice
equal opportunities for all

If I had a choice
Would I still care
Would I see the poverty
struggles of everyday people

If I had a choice
Would I still believe in everyone's right to a voice
Would I still support everyone's basic rights
If I was a rich straight man

But I'm not
So hypothetically it doesn't matter
Cause I am who I am now
And I'm not rich
And I'm not straight
And I'm not a man.

I read books again and again,
the characters comfort me
as we grow close over time
their actions predictable
their thoughts always positive
their attitude unbeatable

I read books again and again,
I'm not afraid to say
that I love these people
imprinted on the page,
My time is spent
choosing to continue our journey
a decision they can not make themselves

For my friends in these words
they do not know me or know of me
that I observe them
commenting on their world
which I myself will never get to live in,
Even so with them as my vessel
I do try my best
by reading my books again and again.

'Its just a phase'
words we've all heard
throughout our young life
but those letters hide silent homophobia
they portray gayness as a passing fad
a trend of the youth
a ploy that will fall away
before we are grown

but we'll always be here
add we have been forever
in the spinster maids and roommates
who's legacy we all protect
in times of both deafening and silent homophobia

The justice systems broken
****** should have a longer sentence then assault
but somehow in the punishment of people
morals were forgotten
people were no longer human
these questions of morality were lost
in laws that looks as though written by robots
now dictate the outcome of human lives

What if your murdering a ******?
That should have a shorter sentence
then if your assaulting an innocent individual
the justice systems broken
I know that to be true
I hope you do too

lines used to swarm my arm
whilst tears dropped down my face
now the scars have faded, disappearing
whilst tears drop down my face

Being Gay is just a phase!
These words are always on their lips
Shared through grownups chatter
and by the always buzzing media

But then without an ounce of compassion
When we're meant to be finding ourselves
Our freedoms is taken
Our actions are restricted
Our etiquette is controlled

Until we grow old when
They say we'll be more responsible
That we'll have learnt how to act
The proper way we should behave
But I know the way I want to be
So if I have to hide it
In order to stop their talk and gossip
Until I'm deamed worthy to think for myself

So when they used to say
that being gay is just a phase
that we could change our brains
they instead taught us to conform
to keep things how they always have been
so we'll grow old and lose our charm
to be how they want us to be

My paintings come to life
Springing off the paper
Pulling their self in to the real world
that I pay to escape

dancing around my room
they leap and frolic
before my sleeping face and dormant eyes
my dreams full of colour
felling that my art is with me

Tomorrow I will leave for holiday.
Hours earlier then my usual alarm
whilst the sun still hovers
around the corner of the horizon
I'll drag myself out of my cozy slumber
forcing my eyes to peel open
all to board the plane.

It's booked at an early time, of course
so I can leave here faster?
or
so I can experience more?
either way I will
attempt to run from my mind
all the way around the world
as if racing the sun
but no matter what
my mind will always be faster
it will always beat me,
just not before taunting me
whilst I huff and puff
and it sings a melodical tune of hatred.

I write in a notebook most of the time
It's cover is dark blue waves
that dance across the fabric

It used to inspire me
the way I imagined they would move
gracefully lapping the shore

Now the four walls confine me
constricting my words
strangling them so they fall lifeless

They want you to be asleep when you drown.
Not to spare you the pain
which they could easily stop the cause of.
Not to make you peaceful
as they are the cause of this stress.

They wants you to be asleep when you drown
so you won't swim away,
so you won't try to stop him,
so you die quickly
causing no extra hassle to them.

Will you be asleep when you drown?

why do I always have nightmares?
when darkness overtakes the sky
it envelopes my head as well
with fantasies of death and horror

whilst others dreams of daisies
in warm flowing fields,
of waves gently lapping
about the shore

why do I jump from sleep
when my nightmares pop
in a cinematic ******,
whilst others wave goodbye
to the bunnies and mice
as they drift towards walking,
ready for their day ahead

A hand cradled my heart
holding on tight
it's palm faced upwards

A hand held my heart together
as it shattered slowly
fragments falling to the floor

A hand clung on to my heart
it was grief
wrapping it's long boney fingers round my beating muscle,
still two pieces were taken
not stolen,
not given away,
two parts of my heart disappeared

never to be seen again.

If someone I knew were to find my poems
Would they laugh mockingly
knowing the words were about them
never sharing in their emotion

Or would they cry
seeing my true feelings
how much they reflect their own
could they understand the pain hidden in the words

Or would they not care
carrying on with their life after seeing my worst side
Ignoring me now they know I'm not perfect
That I'm not someone who acts rationally
in the face of emotions
Instead choosing to dress up my emotions
in pretty gowns and dresses
to try blend them into the beauty of my life

If someone I knew
were to read the words of my worst emotions
would they leave me

I believed I was better
sitting high upon my perch
my back as straight as a ruler
as I glowed with pride

peering down at others around me
I'd smirk in self assurance
as sure as I was that I was the best,
I was sure that others were worse

so when I fell off my chair
just to find myself the same height as others,
realising we always were the same
just from a different perspective

I screamed and wailed
that there was no way it was true
until I swallowed my emotions
realising I'm no better than you
than my family, my friends
the characters on my TV,
the musicians all over the news,
than my former self
who had no place to sit

I love being home alone

The peaceful knowledge
of having no expectations placed onto you

The welcoming silence
of solely your own voice and opinions

The loving embrace
of the warm air all to yourself

I love being home alone
Just me and the walls
But sometimes it gets dark
The sun setting early
The air becoming stiffer
Aware of my idleness

I found the teddy
that I named after you

it's fur is still fluffy
even though it's aged and *****

it's eyes bright blue
just how urs sometimes were
not always though, you had green too

I hug this toy
holding it as tight as I can
squishing it against my chest
kissing it's head

wishing it would turn in to you

why can't it be 2 o'clock if I declare it to be so,
if I have no commitments or stressors
nothing of time importance to do
then why can't it be two

why can't I declare it to be 2 o'clock
if no one's impacted but me

why can't I declare it to be 2 o'clock
when war could be declared at five

My days been a horrible one
for no specific reason.
I lay in bed I'm boredom
scrolling endlessly on my phone
in a desperate attempt to preoccupy my mind
away from the decisions that plague me

All day I tried to break this curse
of this neverending scroll.
My attempts to pry my face from the screen
have been continuously unsuccessful

However, now the rain does fall outside
comforting me greatly
even in the peak of summer
the world does give me the greatest gift
the ocean
the rivers
the ponds
falling outside my window

So with my cat sleeping by my side
I vow to drop my phone and pick up my book
as though I may not get up from my vertical position
as though the sun's getting ready to sleep
this day is still mine and I'll spend it how I please

I feel hollow
like some scooped pit my guts
stole my beating heart
threw it on the ground

when did they stop caring for me?
for my feelings.

a war rages on inside my brain
two voices dominate the rest,
as one call for more guns and bombs
it's only aim to cause damage,
the other whispers for peace
with a soft voice thats not fit for combat,
all it can do is silently gain support
of innocent onlookers

inside your head do fatalities also rise
at the hands of bullets that strangle soft voices,
does your heart wish for peace
wailing against the sound of warfare

I look deep into your eyes
for any clues for the victor,
wondering if my words did help
or get drowned out by screams

Sometimes I feel guilty
for all the stories I will never read
for the character who's wisdom I'll never know
for the books I leave untouched
as all these tales hold the authors heart
their beliefs and values they aspired to share
the world's they wished they lived in
the friends they wished they had
which I will now never know

I don't believe I'm life after death
not any kind,
not ghosts or gouls,
not spirits and soals.

Anyhow I like to imagine your here
sleeping peacefully on your chair,
I talk to you as if you were
when I bump into you and apologise,
when I wake you up and say
'go back to sleep my little baby cat'

I don't believe in live after death
not any kind but still I pretend
that your here with me as I talk to the air,
A sliver of my heart believes it to be true,
I let it think that.

I would stand on the playground
whilst we did make believe
they would be princesses, I would too
with a gender neutral name though
my favourite of which was Alex

I'd declare that my future child
would have a neutral name
the happiness in my grin would shine
knowing I'd let my child be themselves

In silence I would wish I'd named myself,
as I didn't resonate with my own.

I wonder how different things would of gone
had I been taught what non binary was
had I knew it was an option.
I don't think I would of hated myself
despised my body or resented my parents

I don't think I would have felt the need
to criticise my skin
to eventually harm it
to change it because I deserved it,
I was not who I was supposed to be.

What if all of life is just faking it?
Struggling to get through the mess
tripping over dilemma after dilemma
rumbling through problems and disappointments
just come out with a fake smile
a grin that seems to meet their eyes at the corners
a grin that only they know isn't real
that hides all they suffer through
just for a few hours
before they are alone and go through it all over
again.

my grandma visited a year ago
I think about it regularly
reminiscing on our joint memories

she'd never visited before
she said this might be her last chance
I assumed she meant to visit
that she would get too old to travel

but when her hug lasted  two seconds longer
than I thought it should

but when I saw her eyes glisten
in the dim hotel light

but when her voice cracked
as she said 'goodbye'

I wondered if she didn't in fact mean that
this would be the last chance for her to visit
and instead it would be her last chance to see me

her granddaughter.

It wasn't that she was dieing
but we were never that close
not enough for me to make the trip to visit
a burden I always took on myself
even though she was the adult
with a phone she could call me on,

suddenly her efforts felt not enough,
and a little too late.