Love was when you held me because I was crying.
You held me even though I belonged in someone else's arms.
You held me because he was passed out and I was alone.
You held me because you loved me.

Love was when I finally left you one last time.
I left you because you can do better than my broken heart.
I left you because someone beautiful smiled at you like I do.
I left you because I love you.

Love is when we see each other and we smile with our teeth showing.
We smile because we were good together.
We smile because if we don't we might cry.
We smile because we love each other, and that will never change.

What's wrong with me?

Why do I cry sometimes,
Then cry harder when
I don't know why I
Was crying in
The first place?

Why do I look at him
And love him more
Than anything in
the whole world
Then slip away
While he's asleep?

Why do I wake up
And close my
Eyes again because
I don't want to
Live anymore but
I'm far too afraid
To actually die?

Why am I depressed
So much so that
I no longer feel
Anything but the
Cold that lingers
Outside of my
Window promising
Another winter all
Alone surrounded
By Christmas and
Hot-Chocolate filled
Kisses full of love?

Why am I sad
And wishing for
Love that never
Would have gone
Anywhere but down
Hill for everyone?

Why don't I
Love him like
I want to
Instead of promising
Things that I
Can't really make come
True for us?

Why am I so broken
That I can feel pieces
Of me floating
Around in my chest
Scraping against my
Ribs and trying to
Free themselves from
The darkness that
Hides inside me?

What's Wrong With Me?

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one I swore I wouldn't do
Not so easy to blame me
Now that the cuts are on my arms

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one you gave him credit for
Not so easy is it?
Now that he's back and afraid

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one that makes him call me
Not just to talk about nothing
Now that I'm dying he wants to hear me

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one that makes me cry in the shower
Not just because I'm sad
Now that I know I have nothing to cry for

I'm doing that depressed thing again
The one that you hate so much
Not just because I'm off
Now I'm your problem to

I let you in
To my heart
And the space
Between my thighs

I let you in
To my life
And the moments
That made it living

I let you in
To my thoughts
And my dreams
That turned into nightmares

I let you in
To my secrets
And my lies
That left a bitter taste in my mouth

I let you in
And you took
All that I offered
Then you left me

I let you in

Loving you
is like walking
through the rain
with an umbrella
made of sugar

You're royalty
In your own kingdom
Tables lined with spirits
Because you love to drink your dinner

You're rich with emotions
Only emotions I'm afraid
For your treasure is all fools gold
Though it's tried so hard to prove its worth

You're a king covered in lies
Drunk on the life you could've had
Perched on a throne of hard-luck
Holding onto pyrite for dear life

But you are the golden man

Each breath he took was a beat of my heart.
Every time he blinked or yawned or smiled or cried it supplied air to my lungs.
Every time the sun rose it rose for him and him alone.
Four A.M. falls and I roll over to check the messages that used to be my lullaby.
Now that my heart be still and my lips be without air and my world be without light, how will I ever find sleep?

*The Suicide Diaries

My feet are freezing
And my hands are shaking
And the future is suddenly incredibly unclear

But then I think of us
And the way you smile at me
And the way it feels when you kiss my neck

I think of your voice
And how you've loved me
And how long you've waited

I think of life
And how beautiful it is when you're around
And how much I want you to stay

I think of you and I can breathe.

I'm ******* terrified.
If I lose you then the sun won't rise again.
I love you.
Three years later and I'm taking this chance.
I only hope that God gives me the strength,
To love you like I want to.

I know how lonely it is to be a tree
To watch November come and my leaves fly away
Because you were my leaves
Beautiful and vibrant on the way to death.
So much so it's a wonder why you were ever alive.

*The Suicide Diaries

It's like the past comes up to find me again
You and me
Laughing and swearing
Your arms around me
My head on your chest

Now I eat dinner alone
With the lights turned off
And your chair against the wall
Cold food
Tear drops on the table

It tastes like memories
Like your lips after a shot of whiskey
When they kissed my neck
And my eyelids
And my hips

Thank you for the moments
The ones that bring nostalgia
The smell of your t-shirts
The holes in the walls
The smile on my face

Thank You For All The Living

I search for you
In my sleep I reach for you
And my fingers grasp the blankets
My teeth find the plush of my pillow
I scream when I find you're gone

I ache for you
In the night I burn for you
And my fingers try to replace you
My lips tight over my teeth
I scream when I can breathe again

I call for you
In the evening when I get home
And my key still doesn't work right
My hands shaking
I scream when silence is what welcomes me

I wake up for you
In the morning when I'm making coffee
And I wish I hadn't woken up
My mind drifting to dark places
I scream when I find my heart still beating

I stay whole for you
In the moments when the foundation is cracking
And the sink is leaking
My wallet too small to fix what's wrong
I scream when everything remains broken

I live for you
In the desolate hole of our home
And I wish that I didn't
My heart broken
I scream when I know that's what you want

I scream

I search for you
In my sleep I reach for you
And my fingers grasp the blankets
My teeth find the plush of my pillow
I scream when I find you're gone

I search for you
My eyes scan crowds
Until I catch a glimpse of black hair
My breath catches
And my tongue finds my cheek

I search for you
When my phone rings
The ringtone I don't have
Still plays in my mind
I hear you

I search for you
When I make inside jokes
Waiting for someone to laugh
The flicker of recognition
That flashed in your eyes

I search for you
When I touch him
And his breath tickles my neck
His eyes scan my nakedness
I nearly call out your name

I search for you
When I look in the mirror
And I don't recognize myself
I am no longer beautiful
The way you described in scribbled letters

I search for you
In my dreams
I beg for you to stay
Then you smile and leave me
Did you smile when you died?

I search for you
Every breath that I take
I feel your heartbeat
In my chest
You owned me, and I owned you

I search for you

What do you know about silence?
Silence on the other end of the phone.
No breathing.
No laughing.
No crying.
Silence.
The white noise of fear.

What do you know about helplessness?
Helplessness in your own eyes.
Nothing you can do.
Nothing you can say
Nothing but watching
Helplessness
The catylyst of fear

What do you know about loss?
Loss of you mind, your friend.
It's too late he's gone
It's too late he's forgotten
It's too late you're crying
The post-mortem of fear

What do you know about me?
Me and my tired eyes.
Numb is my mind
Numb are my fingers
Numb everywhere
The desolation of fear

*The Suicide Diaries

You enjoy the *** and the *****
All the things I could never give to you
I'll enjoy my solitude

Pet her hair in the dark
Rest your hands on her hips
Tell her she's yours

Forget our midnights
Lies told under starlight
I was afraid you might

Sleep in her bed again
Steal her blankets
Kiss her with morning breath

Don't watch me walk anymore
You told me you did before
Staring through the glass in the door

Tell her I'm nothing
That I was a child
That she is a woman

Don't love me
Or anything I'll never be
The things even I can't see

Walk away with her
Into the sunset
Or wherever it is you go

When you're not around

God she was beautiful
Crystal wings made of cellophane
She was so eager to leave when the winter froze her to the glass
That she pressed against her lips and inhaled
Just so she could see the colors again

I liked it when he pulled my hair
When he growled and sunk his teeth into my neck
An emotionless grudge ****
Without any love or bare skin

I liked it when he told me I was *****
When he laughed in my tired face
And pushed me to the couch
Smothered me with a pillow

I liked it when he owned me
When he turned me black and blue
In the heat of all his passion
And with his bare hands

I liked it when it hurt
When he smiled before he left for the night
Every moment that I loved him
The best moments of my worn out numb life

She told him once about the flavor of humans.
That he tasted like old leather and empty bottles of whiskey
He told her about ****** knuckles
And how many times she had been on his mind when he got them
She smiled with her teeth showing
Then she walked away from him again
It’s funny all the things that he thought he knew
Like how much sweeter his best friend tasted against her lips
It’s a shame that she never told him
That sugar sometimes makes her sick

I'm waiting for the moment when your lips taste like sugar again
When the scabs on my lips heal
The ones you left when we were on fire

I'm waiting for the moment when you let me breathe again
When I hate you again
So much that I fall back in the flames