anxieties
irrational fears
inadequacy
loneliness
depression
voices
sadness
apathy
wort­hlessness
worthlessness
worthlessness
Wrapped behind 32 teeth
and a smile from ear to ear

It's been three straight days
and I've forgotten the moon
and the calm of night

I'm tired of seeing my face
I'm tired of waking up
I'm tired of going to sleep
I'm tired of being home
I'm tired of going out
I'm tired of my family
I'm tired of friends
I'm tired of people who don't give a ****
I'm tired of people who do
I'm tired of people
I'm tired of sitting on chair
I'm tired of standing up
I'm tired of standing up for myself
I'm tired of being let down
I'm tired of letting people down
I'm tired of letting myself down
I'm tired of all the colors
I'm tired of the sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset
I'm tired of breathing
I'm tired of talking
I'm tired of eating dinner
I'm tired of eating stew
I'm tired of getting thinner
But I'm still not tired of you.

Tonight I cannot sleep
My head is screaming loud
I stand at edge, so steep
I stand and stare, no sound

Last time I saw your face
I saw your grace, as well
as glass thats lost its place
glass, no one else could tell

shattered glass no one saw
rested upon your cheek
to the 'round of your jaw
with pinned lips you couldnt speak

as broken legs can't walk
your broken lips can't talk

Reunions are great.

Catching up with old friends and family.

After months or even years apart, that first meeting is sheer bliss.

But with you, every meeting is a reunion.

Every second air fills the space between our finger tips
Every second our sweaty, caloused hands are apart time slows down.

Slow enough to make seconds feel like days, days feel like weeks, weeks feel like months and years..... I'd rather not think about it.

I just want to tell you that when Im with you, time feels right.

Not too fast. Not too slow.

Just right.

There is no clean slate

You cannot restart the game

Only continue.

I am an architect of sorts
I create houses for people
houses that keep inside
all the things they wish they said
all the things they wish they didn’t
All the happily ever afters that never came to be
all the good bye and farewells that
were ever someones displeasure of letting out
I create houses
that hold all the possibilities
of tomorrow and yesterday and forever

I am an architect of sorts
but I don’t build houses for people to live in today
I build houses for people to live in yesterday
for people to live in tomorrow
I build houses that contain the moments
that never happened in each mind
the times that were wished to be gone
I create, with words for living moments,
pieces that immortalize memories and
experiences lasting for forever

the words I lay serve as the
foundations of humanity

I am an architect of sorts

Here is a letter
Because my hand moves
More smoothly and fluid
Than my tongue and my
Blood rolls down my finger-
Tips painting pages better
Than words roll past my lips
To speak poetry so...
One. I'm sorry i hurt you
You let me into the darkest
Parts of you and I, like a child
Holding a bucket of paint
In a white room, ruined you
I'm sorry.
Two. You forgave me.
Thank you.
You wiped clean every streak
Of pain i drew on your walls
and yes, i left some stains
But you are beautiful still.
You always have been.
Three. You love me, and I
Love you.
I do not believe love is magic
Love is patient as you are with
Me and it is quiet
Like i am with you and love
Love is human.
It lives and dies
And i hope it dies with me
Four. You will lose me
One last time. Before the end
I will hurt you and everyone
I hold dear. One last time.
Five. I will never tire of seeing
Your face. It will keep me sane
In our years apart.
And six. I will wait. Here where
Its calmer. I will wait for when
Your hair grays and teeth yellow
And when your memory shifts
Like sand and you forget us
I will wait. And when you finally
See me here
Seven. I will listen to every story
You had since i left and i will hear
About every single morning you
Spent with another and i will
Eight. I will tell you i love you. For
The first time since i left i will tell
You again, i love you. Fresh
Off my tongue like the first time
I uttered those three words
I love you.

The sky cries out thunder.

Rain is not far behind.

But I knew that, even before sound

I saw the light fade from his eyes and dark clouds

washed over and then it came.

Down like broken hearts it came, but no.

Rain not for sadness.


You see the sky sees beauty everyday.

He sees the the smooth plains, lush forests, towering mountains

But sky and earth can never be together as one

So every once and awhile rain comes.

The only time the sky can touch earth.

Uniting two lovers never meant to be.

It used to come like breathing
breathing
Simple, straightforward.
now its different, you make it
different.
Clear and unclear. I cant tell.
Wanted or unwanted
You don't if you want me to
leave or stay
I want to stay.

I actually stopped chewing charcoal
stopped spitting dark words
stopped so you wouldn't have to
cover your face whenever I said
"hello"
Im back now, not that great
but good enough. You could
do much better. But I hope you'll
Stay. Hello.

I’ve run out of reasons not to hate myself

5 years ago I tried to **** myself but I couldn’t

tie the right knot. I tied it around my neck

but it just kept slipping, like me, slipping like walking

on ice, like my tongue when I talk to you, slipping.

What a slap to my face huh? A suicidal kid

who wasn’t even smart enough to tie the noose

he was going to use to **** himself because

he felt he wasn’t enough, ever.

Failure: My story’s recurring theme

Migraines: My annoying next door neighbor

Migraine medication: His daughters (All 15 of them)

I kept making myself “better”

Stopped the cuts

No more pills

clean

But it came back

I tried to stop it, I really did

Happy. My motto memorized. Happy

Happy. Rehearsed and repeated. Happy

Well, 5 days ago I tried to **** myself. I wasn’t enough

Happy wasn’t enough.

This time I googled how to make a proper noose

wasn’t even that hard, really.

It was ready, I was ready, notes for everyone

tucked away in individual envelopes in my bag

and clear and concise instruction on where, when and to who

they should be sent to.

I would have died. Wrists, thighs, hearts, and eyes

carved

Deaf, I became deaf. From all the screaming inside telling me

to do it and the whispers outside not to.

5 days ago I had my head in a noose, ready to jump

Then you called asking how I was

“Bad, really bad.” I said

“Tell me about it” you replied

5 days ago I was about to **** myself but you stopped me

But you won’t always.

I'm sorry that I didn't come with a disclaimer.

I should wear one around my neck though.

WARNING: If you love me you'll have to get used
                       to the loaded gun constantly pointed
                       to my head. Safety off.

Trust me if I could let go of it I would,

but it's still here. It's me. Just as my body is, It's me

I am not a build-your-own ******* person.

I am everything you see from the hair edged with pink

down to the wrists laced with red. I am the

comic books I've read and

the suicide letters I've written.

You cannot cut the crusts off this sandwich.

Get ******* used to it or get the **** out.

Sun and Moon. Perfect.
Dancing across the sky. Love
without thought of time

Night. The Moons domain
The slow beating of a heart
Life's quiet exhale

Day. Plain of the Sun.
The softness of howling winds
Life in its purest.

Sun and Moon. Broken
Never meeting, but forever
Love, unrequited

I held out my hand to you and said

"lets leave behind everything we no longer need as we enter the New Year"

You looked at me, smiled, then walked away




"Oh"

We grew up sad kids
learning lonely like the back of our hands
getting used to the idea that loneliness
was normal. It was ok.
It crept into our bones so much so that
in a crowded room the chatter was drowned
out by sound of your beating heart
loneliness became less about the physical lack
of people around you and more about
Isolation.
For a second that seemed to never end all humanity
left you. And now you were not one of them
you were different.
But tonight lets put loneliness away
just you and me
let us, for once, feel like we aren’t so different
lets feel like the sun in the sky??
well, god made it for us.
Just you and me.
For tonight, even if just for tonight
lets not feel “alone”
For tonight, lonely hearts beat loudest in tandem.

I think maybe

I gave too much

For too long

It feels like theres nothing

Left to take.

Nothing left to give.

And the center of my body

Where I  used to keep

Every whisper of love for you

For me. For everyone.

It just feels

Lighter.

It may be empty now.

But thats me now.

Nothing like before

But thats me now.

Now, the cold.

The cold doesn't hurt so much

As the new set of days rolls in

I am overcome with dread

Over the truth that nothing...

Nothing really changes tomorrow

At least no more than any other day.

I guess this is it

Welcome to the New Year

I've spent years at loves door

With bloodied knuckles I begged

Each time I knock she'd just

bang the door harder.

Imagine my surprise

When it finally opens

And I see you on the other side

Knuckles Bloodied.

Are my words worth reading?

How long does it take you to decide?

3 lines in?

Maybe 4?

If you made it this far, what do you think?

Do you think my words will be

Only just what you want to see?

Words of love or pain

or whats lost or maybe found?

Could this be written in blood

trickling down my fingertips?

Could my words be only yawns

and sighs or relief or retreat?

Could they be calls....

warning the the weary wanderer

reading.

Could my words mean nothing

Just plain, empty ink

sprawled across the smooth white plain?

Could I have wasted your time?

Wasted each movement of your eye

as it pans across the cold, hard screen.

You tell me.

You're the one who read this far.

these ******* words just dont feel right anymore

My fingers feel numb and my pen has run dry.

I've been sitting for hours just thinking of the right rhymes

the right words, phrases that would catch the eyes of readers

I became a ******* factory.

Cold, spewing out the same generic **** over and over.

No wonder **** felt wrong.

I have not been free. I want to be free.



I want to be free of everything. Leave everything.

but love. Love is not free.

Love is binding, love is heavy, love is painful

and I dont want it.

it seems though, I have no choice.

and as if some unknown force ordained it to be

this binding

this heavy

this painful love of mine

chose you.

you



I was ready to be free.

I had sharpened the pen that would write the final farewell on my wrists, I had convinced myself that I was ready to be free.

but then I realised today was Thursday. We usually go out Thursdays. Have lunch or watch a movie.

Maybe I wasn't ready to be free yet. maybe.

IT is never the answer

you know what it is

It’s that thing that dwells beneath the deepest darkest thoughts at night

it’s the pain and isolation that hides beneath rehearsed laughs and smiles

But what the **** should I do when my breathing gets old and my voice gets repetitive

what should I do when knowing I’m still here bothers me

what should I do when I hurt everyone I care about

what should I do when i disappoint everyone who puts their hopes on my shoulders

what should I do when the crimson trickling down from my skin isn’t enough

what should I do when not even the people who you care for most in the world

can save you from the black swallowing you from the inside

what should I do when words mean nothing and I just feel like I’m talking to brick walls

what should I do when the most basic thing in the world, is missing from me.

what the **** should I do when there is no question

that needs to be answered with anything

there is just me

and there is just nothing

He sat on his bed, thought of her and nothing else...

He remembers sophomore year. He remembers the salt spray
and the moonlight that bathed them.
He remembers her handwriting as she wrote his name
on the soft sand beneath them
He thought of love, and nothing else.

He remembered the end of sophomore year and how he hurt her
He remembers the very words he used to deny her
"We're just friends" like a bullet the words pierced the air
towards her chest. His cold voice assured her that she was nothing
special.
But the young mind is stupid and easily confused so much so
that when he said they were "just friends" he meant that
She was the everything that came to his mind
when people talked to him about love

He remembers Senior year, when they got back in touch.
He remembers the empty conversations they shared
filled with "How are you?" 's and "Have a nice day" 's
that killed them both each time the phrases left their lips

He remembered sophomore year again, at the beach
he remembers her soft, freckled skin and the moonlight
as it shone from her eyes.
Like diamonds born through heat and pressure.
He remembers she was beautiful.
She didn't think so but he did, he knew it.

He remembers she left
and he remember it hurt.

He tells us that she's the everything he knew he needed.

"I don't love her" he says.

"Yes you do" we told him.

I was born with glass in my veins

Let the shards out through slits in the wrist

But somehow a few found its way to my heart

With equal part pain and equal part promise

To bring me an end in the most colorful of fashions

A rush of bright red out the chest

And a flush of pale white in my face

I wondered what it was like to love

But then again, I guess I always knew

Do not kiss lips that stutter, with lips
that shiver like they were frozen
because chances are she'll struggle with
words of comfort. Not for you. For you
she would squeeze out every sweet word
that might curl the edge of your own
lips

But kiss her not For you. Kiss her that it
might calm the quakes in her heart that
leaves its wake on her lips

Put your heart in her hands that the
beating of your heart gives her peace
that the heat warms her hands

Kiss her again, kiss her broken lips
that you might taste the muffled screams
and feel the sentences lost between the cracks

I've been finding it harder to be sad...
But I know it will be back
and as sure as the sun breaks through
the pitch black of the night sky
on an early Sunday morning
I will not be ready for it. Ever.

I know it's against my rules
to write down names but here goes

••••••••

Just the names that slips my tongue
bleeds happiness so much so that
it numbs me, makes me forget
forget the smell of iron
and makes me forget the many
shades of red that we can make
and instead reminds me of the smell
of freshly cut grass. Reminds me
of the amazing spectrum of
blues, purples, and whites  that
the sky has always had but somehow
remained hidden to me,
faded into the background.

I'm not telling you this to tell you
I'll never get bad again. because
I will. Soon.
My night will come again, dear
and all I ask is that you remain my sun
Giving me distance when it is needed
but never letting me leave your gaze
Always beneath your effervescent glow
You are indeed my Sun ☀
and my Moon ⚫
and all my Stars ★

Some poems I write on paper
Paper I'll burn later that day
So that all that'll remain
Are the beats in my chest
And the aches in my head

Some poems i hold on to
So that after years from writing
When memory fails
And hearts beat to different tunes
All that'll remain
Are words inked on paper.

We look
At shooting stars with eyes of hope
That maybe god will help us cope
Or we wont be found at end of rope
At shooting stars we ask for hope.
We ask for hope.
We ask for hope.

We stare
At fading scars with eyes of pain
You wonder if beneath was vein
And maybe next I'll aim for my brain
With this in turn might end the pain
Might end the pain
Might end the pain.

So much power
Contained within metal.
You feel the cold pressed on to your head
and like the gods you begin
a crescendo of thunder and and lightning
a roar and a flash
then quiet.
Only quiet

I wished to be with you and I wished to be free
but see they told me to only choose one
I could not see what it meant to be free
So I chose you. But choosing you
proved not so true when from your neck
your face turned blue too
Now i see, that to choose you so true
would be to choose “free” but not for me
but free for you and only you.

I lay there. Back to the earth
eyes to the sky, walls broken
teeth chattering from cold
with only stars and moonlight

I spoke of you.
spoke of you oh so fondly
to your friend who saw my pain
"it's going to hurt" she says
"it already does" I say
"it's going to keep hurting" she says
"I know" I say
"are you ready?" she asks
"no"
"but are you still going to wait?"
"yes"

You tell me not to worry
as if it's something I can turn off
like it's something to get over
like it's something I should just
stop

You tell me to stop worrying
but that's like telling me to stop breathing

And all I want to say is I've tried both
and neither worked out.

You've such a beautiful smile

you give it to everyone you see

I wish  you'd keep one for yourself though.

but no matter.

You can have my smile for today

and for every tomorrow to come.

You were always so critical of yourself.

You hated your legs and called them sticks but to me they were a forest I'd like to soon get lost in.

You likened your love to a candle but this candle was my sun.

You said your voice was a soft purr but to me it was a roar that was heard on every ******* frequency from dogs to whales.

In truth we are nothing, nothing but buzzing among the endless sounds of the macrocosmos. But to one you are everything and that was all that mattered.

I have this habit, I look at my watch

a lot

Always looking, always staring

making sure I know the precise moment when things

might go wrong.

You see I have this idea.

That when the day comes that time travel is invented

I’ll have the exact day, down to the second, of when things

go wrong


So I have this habit, I look at my watch

a lot.

Im 17 years 11 months 20 days 15 hours 13 minutes and 2 seconds in

still haven’t gotten to the point of this whole thing

I must have ****** something up

It must be why Im so ******* lost

I need to go back.

17 years

20 days

15 hours

17 minutes

8 seconds.

We don't get better.

We just get used to the hurt.

I'm sorry I'm so difficult to love.

I'm sorry you can't love me with one hand.
One holding my hand and the other on your phone with an ambulance on speed dial. I'm sorry I have the impulse to hide myself whenever I'm with you. It's not that I dont want people to see you with me but more of I dont want people to see me with you  because you're amazing and I'm ****** up and you're way up there and I'm down here and you're beautiful and I look like a foot and you're smart and I'm dumb as a ******* ******* rock and I know you keep telling me I'm not but I cant I cant I cant I just cant ******* fathom why'd you'd love me and why you cant ******* see that I'm a just an early monday morning, a long walk home when you're tired, a bad hang over, a test you didnt study for. I'm just something you have to get through. I'm sorry you have to go through me. I hope you feel better when it's done.

It's been 45 minutes since the last time I felt my own heart beat. People don't usually think about it while it's going but it always seemed too loud to me. Like rain drops falling on thin sheet roofs on sundays when you planned to go out. Maybe it's the quiet. The kind that never quite cut through, always drowned out by the monotonous drone of humps and beats in the chest but this time it did. This time I heard quiet. Only the low hum of wind passing through slit beneath the door remained. And you sat there, watching, like something was supposed to happen. You sat there, waiting, even when room went dark.

1) I am very observant

2) I am a very good listener

3) I dont get in the way of things, I'll let you do your thing

4) When you're sad you'll find me with my hands out reached towards the sky gently plucking the glistening stones from the endless obsidian, just to give them to you. "They remind me of your eyes" I'll say.

5) I like to go out on dates.

6) I'll never forget the first time we kissed.
(Beneath the resplendent moon and underneath the flower laden fence at our friends 18th birthday. Me in my Black suit and silver bowtie and you in your black spotted dress with your frilly head piece)

7) I can be that sweater in the back of your closet that you never really take out. Just there waiting and watching but always ready to be worn when you need it.

8) I will love you more than light loves the day more than the moon loves the sky I will love you more than silence. More the summer sunday afternoons.

9) I will write you vague poems, just so I can tell you I love you.
and I hope you keep loving me too.

The day is winding down, 5:49pm. He sits in a room full of people, alone. Music blasting in his ears to numbs his head, keeping away from people is this easy. Her words still ring in his head.

“Go **** up somewhere else”

Reminds him of watching his family time as a kid. Family time where mom cried, dad screamed, and this little runt crept under the blankets reciting to himself “Blankets keep the monsters away”

“Leave us the **** alone”

His head was beating now, it hurt so much. He couldn’t shake the constant THUMP THUMP THUMP in his head. He thought how maybe his head would explode and it’d be all ok after that.

“Do you want to ruin every one of my ******* relationships”

He didn’t understand why anyone would be like this. He was broken everywhere and he was surprised there was something left inside him to break, maybe thats why the thumping in his head grew stronger.

“I can’t believe you lied to me to my face”

They echo in his mind. He meant every word to her. He told her how he felt and sure he made mistakes but his heart was sincere. He didn’t lie

He looks around. So many people laughing and smiling and cheering. How the **** could they be so happy, don’t they understand whats happening. This man is at the edge of his sanity and people are laughing, being happy all around him. Can’t they see shards of broken glass in his eyes? Either the rest of the world is oblivious or they just dont care. Both equally terrifying.

He waits another second, closes his eyes, and shouts. When he opens his eyes all he sees is black. Dark. He blinks and stutters until he shakes the dark off and he sees everyone doing exactly the same thing they were doing.

He packs up, swallows the words, feelings, screams building up in his throat and leaves.

People say I'm lonely
but underneath gales and waves of solitude
I am not lonely
I am alone.

Just as I should be
I hear your words fly around me
As if I'm oil in the sea of people

But I am the blinding lightning
I am the roaring winds
I am the torrential downpour
and I am sorry

I am sorry for all of me
I am sorry for all my screams
that thundered through your skies

I am sorry for my tides.
Tides of love that flooded
through your veins

I am sorry for all of me.
But light comes.
My winds fall silent.
Light breaks through my skin.
Thunder and Lightning disappear

So please, stop worrying
I am dying down.
Just please, wait me out.

Baby, you're like the moon to me

you bathe me in your resplendent

silvery light.

You give me rest.

You give me peace.

But baby, do you stir the oceans inside me

When day break faded into dusk, youth
crumbled with folly. I was needed.
so I promised I'd be strong

When your faulty fingers fell into
the openness of mine. I was wanted.
so I promised I'd be strong

When the voices once hiding bared fangs
and solace left with silence. I was lost.
but I promised I'd be strong.

When I searched for only sanity
but found cigarettes instead. I was burning
I can't promise to be strong.