You gave me a jar once.
It was painted black and labeled
"100 reasons why I love you"

Inside were 100 little green papers
with notes and memories
each individual piece reminding me
that I am not all bad.
That not all in the vortex of my mind is twisted
each piece gave me hope
hope I wasn't just a broken glass
useless.

The first time I told you
"I don't think you love me"
You looked at me with a face that spoke
equal parts anger and sadness
you told me
"Believe me or not, it's the truth"
And so I did.

Fast forward 3 years and countless lies later
you told me
"I never told you to trust me"
and you didn't
But what am I supposed to think
when you tell me
"Believe me or not, it's the truth"
was that not a challenge?
That somehow, you would prove my skepticism wrong
that even though you knew, you didn't deserve it
you hoped I would give you trust?
because I gave it.
I gave you a lot of things

A lot of things I can never have back
some things I do not want back

You gave me a lot of things too
Hope being one of them.
You gave me hope that I was more
hope that I was enough

You gave me a lot of things.
Happiness, anxiety, sadness, security
a hole in my chest
that hurts more than any piece of steel
run across my skin
a complex that reminds me
that I'll only ever always be 2nd to another
and
a reminder that I shouldn't trust so much...
not even the people I love.

And you also gave me a jar once
It was painted black and labeled
"100 reasons why I love you"
Inside were 100 little green papers
with notes and memories
but now it seems
they were just 100 little lies
that got the better of me.