How curious, love is
You spend most of your time looking for it
Then when you find it
You spend your days staring at your watch
For the precise moment it ends.
Tick Tock Tick Tock.

It's not that I'm not loved.

I am. I know

I know that I have friends and family who love me

and I know that even you, darling, love me. I guess..

But why is it that....

I am never loved the most?

I know, spare me the lecture, I know that I am loved

but I also know that time spent with me is stagnant air

times spent with me are cancelled plans with another

times spent with me are a rain check for another day

times spent with me are placeholder names on a table

times spend with me are proxy representatives

time spent with me is pepsi because they ran out of coke


I know I know I am not the sun

I am not the light in anyones lives

and I am certainly not the center.

I do not stand out

I do not distinguish myself

I am not outstanding

and I am barely scratching the threshold

of just "ok"


I know that you loved me

and maybe you still do.

and I really hope you're happy with her now

but know I still wonder why

why is it you loved her more.

I wake up.

Head to the bathroom and brush my teeth, wash my face, fix my hair.

I check my closet, rummage through the mess of clothes, grab my white t-shirt, black pre-torn jeans and clean underwear. Put them on and walk to my door.

I slip into my chuck taylors and grab my hoodie slumped over a chair.

I grab my keys and one last thing. Hung next to my keys is a smile. Worn and broken. Wear it like a mask hooked ear to ear.

Life's kinda like being held at gun point.

Showing everyone you're ok

Acting natural.

when you're freaking the **** out inside.

When day break faded into dusk, youth
crumbled with folly. I was needed.
so I promised I'd be strong

When your faulty fingers fell into
the openness of mine. I was wanted.
so I promised I'd be strong

When the voices once hiding bared fangs
and solace left with silence. I was lost.
but I promised I'd be strong.

When I searched for only sanity
but found cigarettes instead. I was burning
I can't promise to be strong.

She makes me smile like
cold air, full moons and oceans
for that I'm thankful

I've been to places unimaginable

I've fought beast on planes unfamiliar

killed demons within

walked on fields of glass

and waded through oceans of fire

only to not love you

but I still do.

I was a broken toy
with uses finished
food long gone bad
a ticket long past date
but you picked me up
and saw not garbage

In me you saw brand new
Happiness
In me you saw comfort
after a horrid day at school
In me you saw silence
after screams and shouts of anger
In me you saw laughter
like a milk mustache or children in snow

In me.... you saw sadness
Sadness you spend your life trying to escape
Sadness you hate
you loathed
but still, sadness you let in

In me you saw madness
it was madness I saw in me too
but still you loved me

So in you, oh divine, you
I see purpose
and it's all I've ever needed.

I like to imagine my body
****** and riddled with holes
across the sidewalk pavement
For nothing greater than for love
Love for the people I know
For the people I dont
For the hope that tomorrow,
There wont be another like me
For every martyr has a mother
And every mother needs her son

First of all you must know that death
Does not always come in bright flashes
of black and red.
Sometimes, he comes in subtle waves
of blue and green.
Death does not always appear so suddenly
sometimes death crawls. Inches its way
into your heart and makes itself loved.
Enticing the victim with peace and warmth
do not listen.

one.
It starts with the first day you can't get out of bed.
The first day death holds you down and embraces you.
With your arms weighed down by lead shackles
and every breath you take takes in sand in place of air

two.
Death is now your friend
and you welcome him freely inside not knowing
what he has planned for you.
At this point you may find red streaks all over your body
in the form of cuts and scratches
He will tell you its's because he's trying to get out.
He will convince you that these cuts.....
they will make you better.
He will maintain that it is true because
He says that you'll bleed out the broken shards
of glass left inside your veins.
Afterwards he will ask
"Now, doesn't that feel better?"
it will.
and then maybe
He will tell you about the pills.
He will tell you that these pills are special.
Made specially for you to cure the crazy you thought you always had
the crazy you probably always had...
you don't really remember anymore.
He will tell the best part of the pills
He will tell you that it doesn't matter what kind
you just have to take enough and it'll be ok.

three.
the last sign that death has invaded your body
is this.
You will wake up in the morning with little to no recollection
of all you've been through. You go about your day as if
all is right with the world.
but at night, you find yourself sitting at the ledge
of your 25th floor apartment window .
then
He's in.

The last few months have been horrible
like wind next to your voice
there isn’t any connection but lightning
the whole point is to do better
than the ones that don’t have control
the crowd put a border around you
someone will encourage you to just give up
You’re being buried under thousands
of other people talking.

It’s better safe than sorry. Say “Hello,
welcome” Ask them questions; don’t argue
You are not the best at this but try

Set up a stream. Watch it set.
someone may join, keep going.
even when things go wrong.

I pushed you away
when you loved me the
most
what have I done
what have I done

now the nights all gray
I dont want to run
dont want to run

maybe the storms finally blown over
and I can see my smoking gun
know you werent just a lover
darling, you were the sun
you were the sun

so farewell, goodbye
goodbye, farewell
or maybe this isnt it?
maybe youre not
youre not, youre not
dont with all of my *******

but I dont know how to tell you
that maybe I am through
I am through, with you
(I love you)
no, I'm definitely not
through
with you

Sometimes I wonder
whatever happened to that girl
the one I talked to
'til 2 am about everything
about her intricacies
and weaknesses
and vulnerabilities
and hopes and dreams and regrets
I still dream of that girl.
The one that would hold me tight
on nights where cold cut far past skin
and on days when the sun shone second brightest

I still dream of that girl.
and hope she's doing fine.
I hope she still writes poems like before
with ink flowing like blood
I hope she gets enough to eat
she's always been so thin
I hope she remembers to love herself every once and awhile
and I hope she still remembers me
because I remember her
and I don't think I'll forget soon

please.
remember me.

Theres no more room for lingering words
What has been said is all that can be
Because the letters left with your finger tips
As they passed what's left of mine.
My ears stay numb save for the last exhausted goodbye.

But what about the days

the days we wake up with a sigh

and we can't help but ask why

why o' why did I not die

in my sleep. We do our best

"am I not strong like all the rest"

"Has life just put me to the test"

full of questions and no solutions

no rest or retribution

am I destined to live like this

begging god for a clear wrist

Soon I'll be gone and not be missed

Soon I'll be gone like all the rest

I love you

words that have so much meaning. so much power. So much potential and yet taken for granted.

I love you* she whispered to him for the first time. She's never told anyone these three words before but this time it just felt so right. He smiled and kissed her. He words latched on to her back which brought her spirit soaring like never before.

I love you he spoke to her over the phone as his left foot stepped forward over the 25 floor drop in front of him. He suspected that the words he spoke crept out of his mouth not towards his love as he had hoped but instead it fell, just as he fell. It was as if the words stuck to his body and weighed him down so hard that could not do anything but plummet down.

I love you she mouthed to her child as the infant grasped her finger. She looked at the child with so much caring, warmth and tenderness that it was no wonder he was so silent. He lay soundly, reassured that all was right for him.

Maybe we aren't meant to be

Maybe our lives are not stars

meeting in the same constellations

or

maybe I am not the one

meant to walk you down in black and white

and

maybe we aren't meant to be



but we are.

and that is much more than I can ask for




Tomorrow or not.

I know I love you now.

You came at night
where no light ever survived
from the night you arrived
but no you werent blind
you had a spark lit in side
and it let you see
beneath my sea
and crashing waves
graves that filled my head
all of them wishing me dead
graves of my words and dreams
you shared your light in beams
like streams into my sea
see, you never were the pain
you were all I stood to gain
and again and again
since I was ten
just a page without a pen
then with lighting
you came as rain
you were all that kept me sane
but all was sadly lost
cause to be sane one heart's the cost

Just tell me to leave.

and I will leave behind the promise we signed in blood

in the past, where you left me

You loved what I could do for you, not me.

My nights were too long

So you left

with every part of me

that mattered.



Goodbye.

Sometimes we're just left wondering why
why we do the things we don't want to
why do we go to schools which teach us nothing
why do we try to learn things that don't mean anything to us
why do we force ourselves to go to places
when we'd rather just stay at home

why do we stay with people who leave us alone
or feel nothing while we scream
why do we care so much
for those who care so little
because in the end we cannot blame anyone but ourselves
for the things we do but do not want to
why are we so afraid of breaking the expectations
expectation others set for us for our lives
in the end it is our own lives that pay.
In the end it is our time that is lost
spent on things that meant nothing to us
done for people who we meant nothing to

When I look around

At all the fallen poets around me

Friends, family, strangers.

I think of you.

You who blessed my fingertips

You who gave my heart so much

And took a way much more

I think of how

Your hand no longer

Moves as mine does.

But I know.

I truly know you are happy

Where you are.

But I stand here,

With ink and sorrow,

To live out what you gave me.

A hand that writes

And a heart alight

They tell me lightning won't strike me again
but then again, when
have hollow words wavered will
wrought of steel,
we'll feel fire
formed from dying sparks
fading hearts, long walks in parks
darkness drenched in rain
maybe it could numb the pain
it would, it should, maybe
it could do good
mended masks on burnt faces
found in places showing stolid smiles
sewn under tired eyes
hours fly, farewells, goodbyes
cut ties
but
I swear to you
lightning will strike me again
and all I'm wondering is
when

Go.

Out into the world.

With storms and salty seas

And scorching heat and sand

With flowing rivers and forests

Degrees of wonder from stone to boulder

People from all over.

Each with faces painted.

Different stories and songs

That would bring you to tears.

Or fill you with joy.

Go

Out.  And have your fill.

And once you've seen all there is to be seen

Felt all there to feel

And loved all manners of people.

I'll be here.

Waiting.

Right where you left me.

Well, you did it.
You left me. And though
you maintain that you did it
for me
I will always believe you did it
because of me

Because from day one I knew
I'd love you far more
than you would ever love me
and I knew I could be the clouds for you
I gave all of me. To you.
In the rain, but you let me through you
you let the pieces of me roll off your skin
like droplets of rain that fell to the ground
and seeped down far beneath the earth
to where I am now
which I can only assume to be hell
because you're not here. And I am.


I  l̶o̶v̶e̶d  love you.
and I really thought you were the one
and you told me I was the one.
But I held on too tight. I know I'm sorry
I messed up too much. I know, I'm sorry
and when you said I needed to learn to live
on my own I said
Ok, I'm sorry.

But I thought
finding the one meant you never had
to know how to be alone again
I thought finding the one
meant you would never have to feel alone
again
I thought finding  the one meant
I would never have to feel my head pounding
and my heart racing in a crowded room
because I felt alone because
I thought I'd have you.

It seems I thought wrong.
wrong like when I actually believed you
when you said
you l̶o̶v̶e loved me.

This is a message.

The last one you'll get from me

1) I love you.

2) you loved me. But not anymore

3) I do not need space. I've only ever needed two things. First is air and next is you

4) of all the things in your life that took up your time. I was the first and only one to fall

5) Don't say I took up too much of your time when you mean you grew tired of me

6) you asked me to wait, but you won't be coming back.

7) you will find someone better

8) I'll wait.

9) you've let go.

10) I will not.

As I've said, this is not a poem.

It is a message. The last one I'll send you for awhile

Well, my hearts doesn't beat like it used to

He's been battered and beaten pretty bad

and I can count with my fingers

the hours he has left

It's the toughest that he's ever had.

wot

I find myself clawing at the rays of light.
The way they flood and cease. Rivers to droplets
seeping through the cracks in the wooden walls.
They run through the gaps in my fingers too,
sometimes they go right through me.
Blood and veins glowing from the seams.
I can never figure out where they come from.
Or why they choose to illuminate me.
There are beauties in the world that beg
to be seen. They deserve the light I receive.
I want to give it all away. My spot in the visible.
Give me the silence of the dark. The empty
that surrounds. I’ve longed to wear it again
like a second skin; cold and comfortable.
I want to return to the dark I know I am worth.
Unseen, unheard, unbroken.

I like the light that bathes me.
and how it feels like wind.
But I feel the way it cuts
and I think it’s been too long.

wot

On the worst of days, I had nightmares of civility.

the calm I once craved, that which gives me breath

the very thought fills me with dread.

Promises unfulfilled, years later, forgotten.

But this time, they’re better left lost.


I never asked for this now.

Reminders of my lacking.


On the worst of days, I could still hear

the tearing of pages. Words pushed between

feathers half-hoping no one would hear
them.


Sometimes I think you did.

Sometimes I think you heard every word I craved,

took each one and pinned them to your eyelids

just to help you remember. Because you wanted to remember


On the worst of days, I still have nightmares

of civility, or savagery, I can no longer tell.

The quiet I thought I deserved within reach

only separated by the wall of actuality.

To think the hopes pulsing so lively in my veins

saw themselves stop with no intention of returning.

To this day, I still have nightmares

even as the rain stopped pouring.