I still can't get you out of my head. I try to ignore the feelings but once I lay down to go to sleep
I start replaying that night and I yearn for more like it

I've finally understood the quote "some people feel the rain, others just get wet" I mean I assume I've always known, but now it just seems so clear. While some people feel nothing others feel too much. I am afraid that I feel too much as well as love too much. So much love, so may feelings, yet no one to share it with. Soon I hope.

I fell victim to his charm, and God that's all I'll ever be.

It's not just love that will drive you mad, it's the idea of it too

I am nothing compared to the blonde bombshells of the world

All those girls who want you only see you as prey. They want to conquer you. All I want, is to learn every inch of you. But you love the idea of being conquered.

I keep replaying that image in my head.
It was the last time I will ever see you.
That is,
if fate doesn’t bring us together again.
You saw me from across the bar but you didn’t see that I saw you.
The last image I have of you is you turning your head as I went to make eye contact with you.
It’s the image I see every time I close my ******* eyes.

I think I'm always gonna be that girl. The girl who no one knows but knows everyone's name. The girl that no matter how hard she tries will always be let down. Even by people who claim to be her friend. I think I'm meant to be alone. I've never been the type to have friends. They always leave for some reason. Maybe it's good though because who wants to be around a girl that hurts this much for no reason at all. A girl who thinks everybody that looks her way is in love with her. A girl who will never have a boy love her. A girl who tries so hard to pretend like she doesn't need to a boy and tries so hard to be okay with being alone. The girl who keeps her feelings inside so often that one day they just burst from the seams of her skin and she can't control the Avalanche of emotions. A girl who wants a tragic love not some stupid fairy tale. I want a love that hurts my soul when it's over. I want to feel the pain of love. Because right now all I'm feeling is hurt over no one. Hurt over boys who don't even think about me ever. Boys that have other girls. There will always be other girls.

My friend told me I was eclectic today. I didn't know what that meant so I asked. She told me it meant unique, quirky, different. I said thanks, I like it that way. Why try and be like everyone else when I can be my weird self.

So now you're about to turn twenty and you haven't accomplished much. Yea, you made it through high school and almost two years of college now, but what does that amount to? Congrats! You've done what everyone else does. You're about to turn twenty and you've never had a boyfriend , you've never done anything worth something. You always make excuses for not doing something and you've missed out on opportunities that could have helped you. Now you're about to turn twenty and you have no idea what you want to do with your life. You don't know what you can do with your major you're wasting all this money on. You know nothing, but now that you're twenty you're expected to know this **** because you're an adult and when you do find your job, you'll have to pay your loans that you used while earning an education. But it's okay! everyone does it. Now you're about to twenty and you can't even invite a boy to the bar because you're scared of what he might think of you. You're about to turn twenty and you can count your friends on one hand because you always lose them and you have no idea why. They just leave with no explanation. You're about to turn twenty and you're not happy with the way your life has turned out. You're insecure about stupid things and the only people that love you are your family members and that will never be enough for you. So now you'11 turn twenty, and as much as you want to, there's no stopping it.

Apparently getting drunk won't help me talk to you either

So, I can't sleep. I'm to busy thinking about how I left without hugging you one last time. I wanted to be friends, and I mean I guess we are acquaintances, but not in the way I wanted. So, goodnight, I guess, though I'm sure sleep found you quickly tonight **

I want to be the type of girl that wakes up at 8 AM everyday in silky pajamas and drinks coffee out of a cute mug but here I am at 2 AM wide awake with my reckless thoughts

I've never been one to need someone. I like to be alone with my thoughts. It gives me time to try and piece together who I am and what I want out of this life. However, my days are numbered and I'm beginning to feel I may be alone forever. It's really starting to affect me.

I am sorry for all that I have done. I truly am. I hope you have forgiven me and forgotten me. God knows, I deserve to be forgotten.

And when I saw you, I didn't think anything of it. That is, until we made eye contact, and I spoke to you for the first time in eight years and all those feelings rushed back

I collect bruises like you collect girls

On days like today I am only reminded of my regrets. My mind is filled with the loss of what ifs. When we started there was hope, God was there hope. Now, this hope has dwindled. I've spent four years of my life stuck on the possibility of what if and it has drained my being, my soul aches. As everything must come to an end, so must this. I must truly, completely give it up. I am utterly exhausted.

The more I try and push the thought of us away, the more I feel myself drowning.

I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help myself. I feel like we had a strong connection and I had a feeling you felt it too. At least I had assumed you felt something too. But you know what they say when you assume, right?

Alcohol. It's a poison. With every sip I take I hope it doesn't **** me. Last night I was crying because it hurt so much. I don't know if I should blame the alcohol or myself. I let myself pour my heart out on the side of the road and I don't like when I do that because then they know. I succumb my true feelings so often that I hit this point where I just burst, like a balloon with too much air. I tell someone everything I've never said and it's scary. I don't like people knowing.

I don't know if I feel this way because I felt a connection or if I'm just imagining the perfect movie play out in my head. Awkward 18 year old girl meets hot, awkward boy at college orientation. They have a few set backs, but ultimately end up together and live happily ever after. I'm going with the latter, however bad it may hurt.