That first inhale the quick sensation
feeling like I've had 10 cups of coffee
it was a great feeling
once upon a time
and now it's been one week
one week without that thrilling Rush
and I'm still here, not insane
not missing that high at all
our first hello
messages sent night and day
that first hug next a kiss
A one month wait for our first time together
the long cuddles with South Park on TV
The Giggles & deep talks
as the clock change to 4 a.m.
playing that we're asleep as the sun rises one week without any of that
I feel like I'm falling apart
love real or fake it
was the best feeling
That's what I'm missing most
the, maybe, false love
but I'm missing those from you
You're the one I miss most
That's what making me insane
Being Sober is fine
not having seeing or talking to you
that's made me lose my mind

If not now, maybe in the future
When we're grown, sober even
Loved you through it all
While we were drugged & young
In the future, hopefully
It will still be there
& we can get it to work
Cause I know
You're my person
And I don't know how to be
Any bit of me, without you
For now, i'll grow, alone but free
Till then
We'll just have to see
How things could be
If it's nothing more
But a intoxicated love
We once shared.  

Is it a right to write
Or should I deny
That life is but to write
Then you are
My forever goodnight
Till the sunlight arises
And continue our nights thoughts out loud

How could I only help you
Blind to what it was doing to me
I knew you would soon be better
Blind to what I was slowly becoming
Assisting you whenever I was called
Ignoring that my calls were always denied
How could I be so oblivious to what was unfolding
You were becoming better with each passing day.
But i, I was deeper into the hole I helped you out of
You felt the sunlight and left without hesitation
Leaving me in this hole of darkness that wasn't my own
Blind to what it was doing to me
I stayed happy that you were better
Blind to what I had become
This dark hole soon became my home
As I could hear the happiness of your better soul
It never dawned on me it was for the misery of my soul in exchange that you could truly live happy.

(Name here )
The things I think about
All have to do with you
They'll never be written with this pen
You're a topic
I rather leave unread
When you come into mind
I tend to distract myself
From everything I feel
Cause without you by my side
Makes this life a bit more of a hell
I'll let all it roam
Feelings, thoughts, dreams & memories
Will flood my mind
But I shall not speak
And won't allow it to be seen in ink
All the things I think
When you pop into mind
Cause it irks me to know
That everything roaming
In head & heart
Will soon be overflowing
the sound of your name
Flashbacks of what was or was not
Drown me inside
Leaving me trapped in my mind
Cause if I were to speak
Or let it be seen with ink
Tears would never stop flowing
Till I could see you again
Just as my friend
Making it easier for me
To feel and live again
And finally be free

Broken beyond repair
Time will soon reveal
Growing up as just one the guy
Could **** really **** **** up when the time come she meets a man showing interest
Sure she has experience but
She doesn’t contain any relationship knowledge that most consider to be logic
She’s always been one the dudes
An underdog for dudes in various crews
She let herself be used
Just for the fact she was wanted even if it be just for the night
She taught herself it was alright
To stand on her own
Time went on she remained as underdog
Until she met the man who showed her all of what she never expected to happen in this lifetime
It all was tough even more since she had no ex boyfriends or guys drooling to her presence
Everything was confusing
Because she grew up a just one the dude
She thought it be too good to be true
That one day a dude would be more than a friend , lover or be even better
A best friend and lover
That’s not meant for people like her
People like her could only get to lucky to be an underdog, just one the guys
So even now she believes it’s all too good to be true Hahahaha jokes on you
She will remain ruined
With only time to tell
If there ever comes a true man
Big enough to reveal
She’s more than just one the dudes
She’s a real queen
And deserves to feel
What most don’t care for these days
Doesn’t all this sound lame
Gunna hit the hay
Before I have to pay
For sharing what shouldn’t be said

And so maybe it wasn't true.
Maybe it was all just a myth I wished to be true
I misread the signals & believed every word you said
Ignored all the warning signs & your addicton
How silly of me to be blinded of the truth
To think that i loved you, oh I must have been ******.
Cause that was a just a big joke
Inlove with how you treated me, and the warmth i felt whenever by your side.
How I hated to say good bye.
And every kiss or hug just felt like I was at home. 
But that wasn't real
It was all a myth designed by my first ever intimacy
Oh how would it could have continued
How I wish it could only have been real
But it was a good lesson to Me
What you feel may not always be real
So be careful of what you let get to you .
You may not recover if the damage is deep.

Tweaker Tweaker
Did you eat any dinner
And Have you showered
Tweaker Tweaker
How long have you been awake
When's the last time you had real sleep
Or is everyday maintained
W/ 10mins every half hr.
Tweaker Tweaker
Do the shadows still appear
Are the voices the only thing you hear
Is what you feel inside your skin
Even real or just made up in your head
Tweaker Tweaker
Do you even care
The ones you love miss you so much
Do you even care
You've lost your life before 25
Tweaker Tweaker
Please get better
Reach out for help
Put the needle down
Drop the pipe, hear it shatter
Blow away that line you just crushed up
Tweaker Tweaker
It'll be alright
Your loved ones are still near
They still care
Reach out for help
Don't be scared
Everyone only wants to help
Tweaker Tweaker
When you quit
The devil will shout
It won't be easy , count on that
It will be worth it
You'll get to live
So try your best
Beat past this, you'll get through this
Slowly but surely
You'll make to 100 days sober
Reunite with all your loved ones
Employeed with a growing family
Is what will come
When you decide  
It's time to end the Devils game
So
Tweaker no more,
but a lady or gentleman
Good for you
You've come far
Keep your mind positive
I'm proud of your sobriety
Congratulations  
You're living
& now you see why
Sobriety was always worth it
Tweaker no more
Lady or gentleman
How was the meal you just had
Was the shower the best you've had ?
Did you finally get some sleep
Were you able to escape
the shadows and voices from in your head
Tweaker no more
Just admit
This is the best you've felt
Since your first time trying crystal  
You feel human finally
There's no going back
To tweaker island
You won't make it out
The second time around
So hide your very best
Keep yourself busy
And talk out loud
When you feel like
you Might relapse back
into tweakers land.  
With no chance to survive another night

this one is a real one, gone be long one; bare with me if you tryna feel me and land two feet to how I think.
been for forever if I think, that I been tryna let this **** out.
I haven't wrapped my head around it yet.
still thinking it out, feeling it out , running around tryna figure this **** out.
cause how I speak about this is some real hard **** to do without coming out as something its not
Its still a hard thought, not even processed but racing to be blurted out.
how my mind got betrayed , I done been part of a fucken game
nd that's not okay
I want to scream and break **** for these voices talking all at once at the top their lungs
theyre all fucken lost , almost like sprung out bums that are on the run from the cops
cause you ****** some **** up , messing my head up
thought that **** had already been ****** up
but guess it could get ****** more
and I think it was too much
these voices don't shut up
I cant write about the bite
theres no fucken fight
just stranded in daylight
like hey take care now
you are some fucken fool
I wasn't really ever cool
so scoot scoot , I don't want to hear from you
is this **** true ?
my dude , you are a **** ,
cant fucken believe this ****
theres no fucken words to it
just **** the game
you played your turn , its game over
no next player turn
you cleared the scoreboard
for some ***** and two ice cream cones
hope they were great
cause you ****** up my mental state
aint ever cool no more
both walked out doors ,
without waving away,
no hate tiny bit a pain but
the door been erased
im perfectly okaye
stay the **** away
im not into games
where the rules are whatever you decide
got better **** to do
none of it involves you
sorry dude ,
this is last goodbye
till another life
take care and always be safe
remember that game can always be changed
so watch your ways
cause you too can be played
and youll be never same sane
take that blame for chasing fame

You're stuck in a rut
there's no escape
you have but little freedom
your mind lost
controlled by a demon
that knows you all to well
welcome to your living hell

20 years old
I already feel so old
And have felt so much hurt
But still I continue to grow
I've done so much
It would last my lifetime
So much more to do
Before I turn 30
I've lost so many friends
That at 20 years old
I wonder where they're all at
If they're alive, dead, married, homeless
Who the hell knows
Before I turn 30
I have to many friends to make
The memories we'll make
As we continue to age
Soon to replace those
Dumber younger days
At 20 years old
I have been through so much
Stuggled ony own
With my heart in hand
Never giving up hope
And fighting all the tears
Many heartbreaks
Still in repair
My dreams falling into place
Before I turn 30
There's so much I must do
I have just these 10years
To finally see
Myself be set free
To being the person
I've become pieced together
From all these years
What a site that will be
To see when I turn 30
Cause at 20 years old
I'm already at shock
At how far I've come
And really grew up
Life is really a crazy thing
Don't you think
But what a beautiful thing
To be only
20 years old

Just like the rest
You're obsessed with your ex
Blinded from neglect
You failed to see
I was trying my best
to have you notice me
I failed just like the rest
Because to you
No one could compare
to be better than your ex
And you made that very clear
So I'll just stand clear
& hold back these tears
Cause just like the rest
You're obsessed with your ex
& you'll never have a next

Reminder of all reality took a swing to my face just today
Cause all isn’t the same
Memories are a fade
And I’m tryna go on
The thought that it’s the end
When we aint even dead
It’s all wished for never
Wanted to be your homie
Talk a little in the distance
But it’s your misses
She’ll make you regret
Whatever this , that
Was not when is
You’ll miss this
Just don’t know it yet
You’re gunna see
I was widdit
And no one can commit like I
Your eyes tell
Alll you hide and want to deny
I can see your life
your soul that guides
Reminds your heart
It’s its own beautiful art
Thought days get dark
It leaves a mark
That’ll spark another’s
Offering a hand
To make you feel at ease
Sweet breeze
I take in, coming one
Misery will not defeat me

Hoping, wishing , dreaming
None of it easy
All the same meaning,
For the most part,
It's beauty to keep
wishing, hoping & dreaming
All keep us smiling
While fighting our battles
The faith we keep
That soon our
Hopes, wishes & dreams
Will come to be
All of what we've waited for
Battled for
Shed these tears for
Waiting for all
Dreams, wishes,  & hopes
To be our cure
Making our smiles real
And ridding the tears

The past is the past
All that matters is where your heads at
Keep looking up
You'll see better days
No this isn't *******
I've been there done that
Lost myself
And broke myself down
But I put the pipe down
Decided to turnyield around
All it takes is asking for a little help
Don't be afraid
It will be okaye
Go ahead and reach out
Seek some help with your battles
You'll see it'll be the best decision made
I can for sure say it was for me
4 months clean
From the Devils seed
I have my head held high
Walking down a brighter path
Employed and a college student
How I wouldn't be here
If I still had that pipe twirling in my hand
And I just have to say
It was the best decision I've yet to make
So dont worry
You're not the only one fighting the battle
But it is only you who can decide
If help is what you need
to help you succeed and complete those dreams.
Good luck to you

There is no love for me
What a mess I've become to be
I take all things to heart
But still don't let it bother me
Heart made of gold
With love so pure
You'll be unsure of what to do
But I **** you not
I love so much
Never expecting much
I'm pretty ****** up
When you turn away
I'll be left to say
You'll never find another
To love as much as me
And okaye, what a cliche
But really, I give it all I got
To keep the ones I want

Love all too
Rare and pure
No one would dare
And so it became clear
My love was not
Ever to be kept
Cause it eventually
Would give them a scare
Make them realize
My love was so pure
And ever so rare
That it had to be shared
Never kept for just one
It seems my heart
Love all too much
And that's what should be feared

I try try try
But all I do is
Cry cry cry
Why can't I get you out of my mind
Sleepless nights
Restless days
Im losing my mind
Why must I miss you so much
Why must I miss you at all
I try try try
to rid you from my mind
But once I'm free
Something so small brings you back to me
I cry cry cry
I want to die die die
Nothing to block my feelings
Nothing to block the memories
I'm living in reality
And all I want is to
Be living in a fantasy
Just to escape the real inside me
So I won't cry cry cry
Until I sleep through the night

Started missing your face
So I made a call to your mom
It was nice to hear her voice
A smile to put on my face
An image to put in my brain
How I miss you both much
She heal my heart
When it feels to be burning down
Then she shared the news
Two of you living there
What great news
Not even a frown appeared
How great to feel
No tears falling down
No whimpers in my ear
We said we'd do lunch
When I come into town
Telling her that I couldn't,
No that I wouldn't want
To bump into you
She understood
And told me not to worry
We would stand clear
How funny she is
Oh I miss her
And you too
See you guys soon
Or well , not you.

often wonder how you think
but then remember I don't even care that much
cause your thoughts work in your own unique ways
that's extremely okaye , youre entitled to your voice
just please remember to breathe
give me a moment to process your minds technique
its often tumbling its way down
hard to wrap my head around when its just racing down
tryna touch ground without stopping to the direction its in
got me confused as much as their is to be
youre your own person I do believe
and your thinking is some sort of unique
that I can never get to reach me
and honestly I don't hate
im okaye with your ways of speak
but don't push me to the lowest selfesteem
leaving me without nothing to speak
cause you really made me like a tossed out dog treat
not having no feelings of what you really just did to me
I still can not speak
hard to believe , but im so fucken beat
youd left me out to be the meat for a final time
I cant handle the crossing line
I don't care to hear you speak all the excuses your mind can think
you've already made me so fucken weak
I cant breathe when I think about all the past
how it suddenly makes sense
im just in disguist and it hurts my head
it killed my heart
my only real what I thought was a best friend
doing some sly **** and playing me like im some *****
but for why
and for how
or but forreal
I can not even feel
you really played me
I cant remove my uttershock
still frozen in spot
frozen fucken thought
***** played tf out me
how tf  but what
I don't know now
but we aren't really friends now
and I know im still there
just not ever gunna be all there
cause you really cant
you don't and do but wont deserve to be someone I keep at my side
not a relationship
no more friendship
I took my foot off the floating ship
im just drifting away
you sailing away
but im perfectly okay
I got played by a *****
some funny **** to say
something so funny I cant wrap it aroud my brain
I don't care now
your thinking is its own unique way  
and I should want to know that technique
so I can be more on beat
see how you think
but honestly I rather just have a drink
forget that friendship was once a thing
im not even fucken weak
**** im living like theres nothing wrong with me
ive been hit with the stick
woken out a dream
who this ***** really could be
who this ***** is
man, I aint even trippen
it is whatever it is
im just happy it was something
that I knew could be a possibility
just thought more unlikely
cause youre supposed to be my friend
not what now some sort enemy
attacking when the lights went out
like the rest these sneaks
that just got something else going on
that makes them take a ride along
not controlled of their own
I got it , I know
but fool, take hold
youre the one who is supposed to have control
why you let them have tiniest type of leash
I know you aren't that weak
fucken speak
take some time to think
youre better then these thieves
don't follow their ways
pull away from their hold
see all the things you could have done
finally stand up and do what you keep wishing you would've
how come this is always coming up
aren't you tired of the same song
I know its played too long
that way I turned the sound off
im headed out cause I need something that cant be sung
so long . be gone .

Wake up
Put a smile on your face
See that sparkle in your eyes
Know you're going to be alright
These hard times don't last
Eventually they'll all fade away
All the memories you made
Will no longer make you cry
You'll soon have a great time
While out by yourself
See the sky , changing by time
Listen to the surrounding sounds
Take deep breathes
Feel your heart beat
You're alive
Everything may not be right
But within time
You'll be happy again
One day at a time
Remember it takes time

It's been two days
And not a word heard
My messages left unread
And calls going missed
I expected nothing less
Cause that's usually best
When it comes to being inside my head
I'll lose my hope
Give up pretty soon
What more is there to do
When you've already left
And I saw it coming too
I already knew you'd leave me too
Without a word shared
But what the ****
Why leave me questioning myself why
How did I **** up this time
And why does it still hurt
If I knew it would happen soon
That you'd leave me too
Leaving me trapped in my head
With yet again
Heart in hand, or at least what's left

Vievievie no replies ignite




I like to talk don’t care if I’m all too blunt cause **** I just enjoy peoples and sharing thoughts no matter what
Sorry if I annoy but I don’t ever intend
Just be easy
Tell me to let there be rest from sharing my head and expression of things totally random
Cause I don’t wanna **** off being friends
So lay it out straight without intent to make harm to ones head of depth feels that never get real rest
Least not till death

I want so bad,
To escape,  
Escape this reality
And just go back
Back to the fantasy
I was once in
Cause reality is a *****
A ***** I'm not ready for

I'll never forget the feelings we made up
To keep each other alive, survive another night
Everything of us, all just myth
Medicine to heal but power to destroy
Greatest addiction to be released
Finally at peace
with these unsaid words
This would be our final goodbye
Everything of us, all just a myth
Bittersweet it was, to overcome
the closest thing to real love
I wish you the best as you continue
Prayers for your next love
To be blessed
Nothing like us, all just a myth
Ending with burned pages
But instead
Ending with laminated chapters

Hold me tight
Hold me near
Call me your dear

Your arms are my home
Heartbeat music to my ears
Every touch my best medicine

Words so soothe
Healed all my hurt
Removed the anger that I felt

What was I to do
If I ever lost you

You're my only remedy
To everything that I feel
The best medicine with no costs

I'll miss you so much
It's for the best
I understand

I'm addicted to you
So it's time to take a stand
This is where it ends
Never to be friends  
Goodbye my love
I wish you the best.

on a path with no destination
filled with neither love or hate.
each day that passes by
I know I'll get by without you at my side.
on a path with no destination
Filled with neither love or hate.
I keep this smile on my face
embrace every battle I fight
Filled with neither love or hate
This destination will soon be discovered.

Tell me, does it scare you?  
The thoughts that creep through your head when you're alone st night tucked into your bed.  Do the shadows still catch you off guard as you begin to drift into a dream
  Oh ****, now you're well awake talking out to yourself.  Don't you wish you could just get some sleep?  You beg the thoughts to end and for the shadows to go away.  You haven't danced with the devil for two weeks now & so they have come to redeem you.  You toss & turn, even turn on a light & you scream " I'm clean, please just got away,  let me continue to be free".  They're getting closer, the thoughts are beginning to corrupt your head.  You're sitting in the corner saying a prayer.  Tell me, did the devil redeem you?  Or have you claimed yourself at last instead?

The most confused
From only one person
The biggest confusion
One human has give me

Each night
I lay awake
Wondering why
Things happened this way

Reminiscing of our nights
That turned to days
Which we spent together
From laying quietly & still
To whispering our deepest feels
Cuddling closer
Making animal noises
Quick pecks on the cheek
You going for more

Those were the best moments lived
I knew it wouldnt last
Soon it would come to an end
Like all great things do to me

You never said good bye
I didn't know why
It destroyed me to know
It was always a joke
Least that's what filled my head
When you didn't say why

Depression hit
More than I've known
Binging on drugs soon begun
Locked in a room
Not even coming out for food
What was the point
If I didn't have you

1 month pass
You message me hello
Speaking to me
Like you did nothing wrong
2 days later
You're here at my door
It's so good to see you
But I'm hurting inside
Trying not to cry
When you ask me what's wrong
Take care I say turning away
Step inside before you the tears falls

Curled into a ball
Crying as I've done
So many nights before

You've left me confused
Only you
The most confused
I've ever been
How could one human
Cause so much confusion

Each night I fall asleep
But only to wondering why
It all went this way
Wondering why
It ended like this  

Praying for the thoughts to end
As the tears shed
One last breath
Till I'm in the dreamworld

Calm and secure you always made me feel
Each night we lay side by side
Hand in hand
Sometimes with my head on your chest
It felt right
Two beats in tune
Each breath released as if it were one
Heart aching for what would come
It knew this wouldn't last
Still I went along
Pretending it would all be alright
I didn't expect it to end this way
Not this fast is what I mean
Thought there would be one last time
Moments like this are rare
Wish I could relive
What love you made me feel
The battle to let go
All too real to be told
Demons I fought
As I lost you in sight
The time went by
Never to be as I once was
Jst.moved on
Forgetting that once upon a time
Each night we shared
I once was calm and secure