This is for you my best friend - the next time I see you I will be walking down the aisle as your maid of honor.
You will be getting married to the love of your life and you will have your first child in a month.

Weren't we just 14 a few months ago? Didn't we walk home from school laughing at dumb jokes that almost made us *** our pants?
Weren't we just 16 a few months ago? Talking about kissing boys we knew our parents would never approve of?

This one is for you my best friend- the next time I see you i have to remind myself that you've grown up.
That this man you're with has a child and you love him and you're not into going out anymore.

But weren't we just 14 a few months ago? Getting drunk in the backyard while we talked about our latest crushes.
Weren't we just 16 a few months ago? Talking about graduating in a few years and how we just want to be someone new.

This one is for you my best friend- The next time I see you, you will be moving to Boston in a month.
You will be finishing school and moving in a with boy for the first time in your adult life- someone you love.

I swear we were just 14 a few months ago, right? Making plans for college and the future that we had no idea would bring all this.
Weren't we just 16 a few months ago? Trying to dress better and planning our first tattoos and getting piercings because we were so punk.

Life changes and we have all grown up and taken so many separate roads I don't know where they cross and don't cross anymore.
This ones for all of you I hold dearest and true.
I just want you to remember... I will always love you!

Have you ever felt that unbelievable rush, the amazing excitement, the terrible fear of the unknown?
Have you ever felt that cotton mouth, palms sweaty, knees weak and heart heavy feeling?

I was in love.
With your green rolling hills and bright tree tops in the autumn air.
With your bright stars out there in the middle of grassy fields so wide and open.
With the memories laid out there on the pavement leading me back to your parents house.
With skyscrapers and cute shops running the lines of Charlotte.

I was in love.
With bright green eyes and sandy blonde hair turning darker each year.
With strong but soft hands that used to hold me in the night when i was crying and afraid to leave because I always knew.
With rain drops on windows and lakes between two states that held the best of you and I.

I was in love.
With an idea of you.
With the memories of you that were no longer real.
With dreams of you I had made up in my head.
With feelings that linger a little too long for comfort.

Have you ever felt the nerves bubbling in your stomach when you see someone you hadn't see in a long time?
Have you ever felt that simple joy and feeling of complete and total content when you hear it for the first time out loud?

I was in love.
With someone who didn't love me anymore.

I went on a walk today and as I looked to and fro between the breezy tree's and the sun shining against my pale white skin-- I realized you are not even thinking about me.

On this almost summer day, I walked for a little bit.
I let the air soak into my skin, I let the sun brighten my hair, and I let the weather affect me in the best way. I decided to let the earth have it's way with me for once.

I took a step into the gate where the pool laid silently and alone in my apartment complex. I slipped off those sandals I knew you hated when I wore them, and I smiled. I slipped off that ugly kimono I knew you hated and I laughed.

Because for that moment... that single second of me stepping into the cool water on that hot almost summer day... I didn't give you a second thought.  I didn't care about the things you hated about me. I didn't care about the things you loved about me.

I took a sip of the sparkling red wine I bought a few days ago, I sat in the pool, hair  up in a messy bun, water and sun  rejuvenating my body and soul in a way that you will never understand.

I sat there... and I thought... this is it.
This is how it feels to let negativity flow out of you and let love for yourself slowly in.

We have a lot of made up, Hallmark type of Holidays don't we?
We have so many things we are told we have to celebrate our whole lives.
May is here -  Mother's Day is here.
But what about the dirt-bag mothers?
What about the mothers who don't care about their children?
What about the mothers who gave their kids up?

I know it's selfish- it's childish- but you weren't there when I needed you.
You were drowning in a bottle of ***** in your bathtub.
I know it's selfish- it's childish- but you still haven't been there.
You are too busy living in your own issues to remember you have children unless it suits you.

I remember living with dad and my stepmom- she raised me.
I remember grandma helping us with homework- she raised me.
I remember calling my dad when I was sad- he raised me.
I remember asking you where you were after 6 months of not hearing from you - but you couldn't even answer that question.

After years of picking up pieces and telling people I didn't have a mother here I am.
I am 25 years old with a stable job and stable home.
You are 47 with nothing to your name except some **** and a broke down apartment you get free from the government.
I am 25 with my **** together- paying my own bills- working for a living.
You are 47 taking pain pills as if your life depended on them.

I hear a lot of people telling me to forgive you, but I am just now coming to terms with how messed up I am.
I hear people telling me " that's your mom" but I am just now realizing the extent of my mental problem you have left me with.

All I have to say is thank the world for my father and stepmom and grandmother-- the only family I ever needed no thanks to you.