It was 4 in the morning,
On that rainy October day.
And you came to me.
Told me you had overdosed on ******,
And I didn't know what to feel..
Or what to say..
All the pain I've ever known,
Rushed in at that very moment.
It all seemed unreal.

As you claimed you were dying,
I sat there crying..
Nothing in the world, ever made me feel so much pain.
Then watching the one I love,
Slowly take away their life..
Gasping for air,
You told me this was it..

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of the rain.
Trying to put the pieces back together again,
But without you I am not whole..
There is a hole inside of me,
The hole that once took the place of you..

I can't believe it, no this is not true.
You are not gone, you're still here..
Please, I don't want to lose you..
It's all I ever feared.

I will wait for you,
Like I always have.
Because you're the only one I've ever loved,
And you're all I ever had.
Please come back..
I need you..
I love you..
I miss you..

Time and time again,
I forgave you,
Every time you hurt me.
I took you back,
And you won my heart all over again.

But this time it's different,
You've hurt me one too many times,
And I don't know how much longer,
I can hold on..

You know there's a saying,
"Let go of them, if you truly love them."
Whether I let you go or continue to hold on,
I will always ******* hurt.

My scars don't reflect,
How deep my cuts and wounds really are.
Nor do they show,
All the pain and suffering you have put me through.

The tears that stream down my face,
As I write this..
They're all for you..

Some may call me stupid and pathetic,
For loving someone like you..
But please, please understand..
I am so very afraid of losing you.

Because you could be the best and worse thing that's ever happened to me,
And I don't know what to do..
I don't know if I want to let go,
And lose you..

But I know if I continue to hold on,
I'll lose you anyway..
So either way,
My choice will hurt me..
It will ruin me..

But what's the difference anyway?
Because you've already torn me apart.
You've already ruined me,
But you're too blind to see that.

Underneath the stars at night,
I lie awake and think of you.
I think of all the things we use to do,
Oh how I miss you..
I miss all our memories..
All the things you said to me.
I miss your voice,
I miss your laugh..
I miss you..

As I lie awake,
Tears run down my face.
When I think of you,
This is what I do.
You broke me,
I'm so sorry..
I loved you,
But you lied to me.
You never loved me..
You never missed me..
And here I am, crying.
And trying.
To be the person I was before you came into my life.
But you've changed me,
And now I'm nothing more..
Than a broken girl..
And you were my whole world.

I can't believe, I'm finally here..
The place I always dreamed of,
And one day knew I would be.
The beauty of Seattle is all I see.

This place is now my home,
The city if Seattle,
Welcomes me into its arms.
Where I am free to roam.

When the city darkens,
And the sky begins to cry.
I admire the beauty of it all,
Watching as the rain falls.

It was my dream,
To move to Seattle.
And now my dream has come true.
There's no other person,
I'd rather share it with,
Than you..

You meant so much to me,
You still mean the world to me.
After all these years,
After all those tears.
And all the pain you put me through.
Somehow I still smile,
Everytime I see you.
But you don't seem to care how I feel.
After all, the love you claimed to have for me wasn't real.
All those lies you had spoken,
And all those promises you've broken.
You took my heart, and threw it away.
It's not like it meant anything to you, anyway.
But I only wish someday,
You'll truly see.
How much you really meant to me.

It frightens me,
The things inside of me.
That I cannot control,
But that which control me.
It takes over my soul,
Leaving me with nothing left.
Just broken thoughts,
And scars on my wrist.
But the feeling of emptiness,
From it all...
This darkness that lurks within,
That rips me from my skin.
Pulling me away from what is mine,
Drowning me in this darkness,
I cannot breathe.
I am alive,
But I am not me.

I feel myself falling apart, piece by piece..
I am like a puzzle,
And I'll never be put back together again..
Because the biggest piece of me is missing,
And that's you.
Since the day you left,
It seems as though I've had this hollow hole inside of me..
That no one else can ever fill.
You held a special part of me,
Now that part of me, is cold and dark and hollow..
And I can't get you out of my head,
And your name won't leave my lips..
I don't know how to get rid of you..
You've given me so many memories to hold onto,
But you've taken away the one thing that made me happy..
I won't cry and beg for you to come back.
You chose to leave me,
So I'll say goodbye, but just know you've left me broken..
You've left a hole inside of me,
A hole so deep, dark, and hollow..
Nothing will be able to fill it ever again.
And I'll never forgive you for that..

The scars on my wrist,
Do not show who I am..
They only show what I've become,
And what I've become,
Is numb..

I know this is sad to say,
But I am addicted to the feeling,
Of feeling nothing at all.
I am addicted to the idea,
That drugs and alcohol can solve all my problems.
They take me from this world,
They numb all my pain.
They make my emotions, seem as if they don't exist.
I love feeling nothing at all,
I love being numb..
I love feeling as though my mind is an endless void of darkness,
In which I don't think about anything at all.
I wish I could feel nothing all the time,
Then I would finally find happiness.

I love the feeling of the wind,
Right before a thunderstorm.
I love the smell of cinnamon,
On a cold winter day.
I love the sound of the trees,
The way the leaves tussle in the breeze.
I love the sight of the clouds,
Turning from white to grey.
But I could never love these things,
As much as I love you.
I lone to feel your skin against mine.
The touch of your lips against mine,
Your hand intertwined in my hand,
The sound of your heart beating,
At the same pace as mine.
Someday, I will be by your side.
And I'll never leave, we'll never be apart again.
God, I love you so much..

I have thought about you,
A million times, since the day you left.
I still can't grasp,
Exactly what I feel anymore.
Everything has been one big lie,
And a millions times I have cried.
The thought of losing you,
Was what I feared most.
Now it is not a thought anymore,
It is reality.
I know I should let go,
I know I should move on...
But how could I?
When I thought you were the one.
Every night, before I fall asleep..
I still think of you,
And a million tears I have cried into my pillow..
Were all for you..
Do you see how broken, helpless, and miserable I am?
Why did you have to say you'd be there forever?
Stupid me, I believed you..
I should have known better..
Forever is just a word,
There is no such thing...
But if there were,
I would've chose you of all people to spend it with.
You were my forever..

I just want to live,
For once..
I want to go out and start doing things with my life.
I want to travel, I want to explore what my life has to offer me.
I want to move away from here,
And start off some where new.
Forget about all the pain and misery my life here was,
And have a life full of happiness and great adventures..
But sometimes I question, whether or not I'll really make it that far..
But I am determined to..
I am determined to push through these days,
And live for myself..
Live this life I was given,
Because someday it'll get better,
I know it will..
It has to get better,
Pain can't last forever..
I just hope it gets better soon,
Because I don't know how much longer I can handle this..

I'll never understand..
What it was that I did wrong.
To have to suffer through the pain of losing you.
You once meant the world to me,
You were my entire universe.
But one day you just up and disappeared out of my life.
And left me here all alone,
Without an explanation as to why.
I loved you more than words could've ever expressed.
Yet that still wasn't enough for you to stay.
I'll never understand...
We had a love that felt unreal.
Love for you was all that I could feel.
But now, it's been replaced with a sadness that cannot be erased.
A hole inside of me,
That cannot be filled.
A dark void of sadness,
That seems infinite.
As infinite as my love for you..

For the longest time, I was blinded by your love..
I was so blind, that I couldn't tell you didn't love me at all..
But now my eyes are open, and I can finally see..
You no longer want to be a part of me..
You've pushed me away time and time again..
But I've always came back in the end.
I always came back with open arms for you,
Because gosh I'm so madly in love with you.
But how can I continue holding on to someone,
That doesn't want anything to do with me?
How can I continue loving someone,
That doesn't even love me?
How can I continue to be a part of something,
That isn't even real?
I made you my life, my whole universe..
You made me just another girl, that meant nothing to you.
You were my light, in all my darkness..
Now you're just part of the darkness,
That surrounds me..

I lie in bed,
And think of you.
I think of all the things we use to do.
Like stay up all night,
Wishing we were holding each other tight.
And I cry because I'll never have that again.
I'll never be able to hold you and kiss you,
Like I always wished.
Or tell you I love you,
Which I miss.
It hurts so much,
Now that you're not here.
Losing you was what I always feared.
But I should've seen it coming,
Because everyone leaves.
But you of all people,
You meant everything to me.

No one seems to understand,
Why I'm so attached to you..
Why I love you so very much..
Hell, I don't even know if I understand myself.
Maybe it's the way you make me feel..
The way you make me smile, even when you're not around.
The way you always try to help, when I'm down.
I just wish, my family and friends, would see you the way I do.
Because in my eyes, you're beautiful..
Every flaw, every mistake, every thing about you,
Makes you who you are..
And that is beautiful to me.
I have loved you from the very beginning,
And I'm afraid my heart will never give you up.
Or maybe I don't want to give you up,
Because I see something in you, that I've never seen in anyone else.
I don't care if the world disagrees with me and you,
From the start it was meant to be true..
And you're the only one I love and the only one I want to be with.
I will hold onto you, no matter how many people try to tear us apart.
You will forever have my heart.

I'm sorry...
That I couldn't be all you wanted me to be.
That I ruined this family, and continue to tear it apart.
That I am this mess, this huge human disaster.
That I am the daughter you never asked for..

And I know that no matter how many times I apologize,
It'll never be enough to replace all the pain I put you through.
I hope you understand, that I never meant for any of this to happen..
And that I never intended to hurt you.

I never asked to be depressed,
I never asked to get addicted,
I never asked to even be born into this world..

I understand I'm a human disaster,
I may even be a mistake to you.
But stop constantly rubbing it in my face,
I understand I ****** up..
I understand I am a **** up..
And I'm sorry, I'm sorry okay?!

You don't understand what I'm going through,
All these emotions that I've been feeling.
Like a failure, like a ******* mistake..
Like your life would be better off if I weren't a part of it.

And the more you keep throwing my own mistakes at me,
The more it replays over in my head,
The more I hear.. "You're a ******* failure, a ******* mistake."
But you don't care do you?

I understand you're hurting,
Because I'm your daughter..
And what I've put you through,
Is something a parent never wants or hopes for.

But please, for once..
Look at it from my perspective,
Feel what I've been feeling,
Ache like I've been aching..

I know there's nothing I can do,
To take back every terrible thing I did to you.
But please understand,
I'm terribly miserably sorry..

The one person I wanted to spend my New Years Eve with,
Isn't here..
And I wish I had the taste of alcohol on my lips,
Helping me forget all the ****** up things that happened to me this year.
Instead tears stream down my face,
And here I sit alone, thinking about every single ******* problem I have.
I thought today would've been better,
I thought I would've spent it with the one person I wanted to spend it with.
But no instead, I spend another year alone..
Sometimes I think I'm forever alone..
Like I'll never be good enough for anyone, ever.
God, I just hope this new year is better..
Please be better..
Please..

There's still traces of you,
Every where I look..
I'm trying to forget,
But how can I forget,
When you have made a mark on everything that is mine?
How can I forget,
When I was once in love with you?
How could I ever forget you?
You meant everything to me..
To you, I was just some other girl..
But to me, you were my whole world.
And now that light, that you once gave off..
Has dimmed out..
And here I am, again..
Left alone in the dark..
I know you're gone now,
And I know it's for good..
I didn't want this day to ever happen,
Even though I knew it would.
I'll always hold you in my heart,
Even though you were the one that tore it apart.
I only wish you had loved me too..
But you never loved me,
As much as I loved you.

I don't know how to put my emotions for you into words,
I don't know how to tell you how badly you've hurt me..
I knew from the start,
That you would be the one to break my heart.
But for the little time we had together,
It felt real and pure..
But you've moved on now,
And now I'm just another chapter,
In your book of memories.
I know it's unhealthy for me to dwell on the past.
But is it too much to ask,
To have you back one last time?
So I can show how much I love you,
And how you of all the billions of people in this world,
You were the one that became my forever,
You were the one that I seen myself someday marrying.
You were the one..
But I know you'd never feel the same about me.
I'm holding onto something that's been broken from the start.
But I still continue to try to find the right pieces,
To put it all back together again..
I miss you..
Oh I miss you so much..

Why does it hurt so much?
If I knew this was going to happen..
I knew sooner or later you'd let me go,
I guess I just never wanted to believe it.
I never wanted to live a life, where you're not mine.
But this entire time,
You've led me to believe that you actually loved me,
That you actually cared...
When this whole time is was a lie..
Where did I ever go wrong?
I gave you my all, and my all was all I had.
But still, it wasn't good enough for you.
I know, that not even in a million years, would I be good enough for you.
But we both know, I was the best you've ever had.
No one, could ever love you as much as I do.
But you've gone and thrown that all away.
Yes, I hate living a physical life without you..
But I will do anything and everything,
To be with you someday,
To hold your hand, and kiss your lips..
To make sure you know that you are not alone,
And that you have someone who loves you,
More than words could ever express.
I just wish you'd give me another chance to prove that to you.
But I'm tired of crying myself to sleep over you,
I'm tired of shutting myself down, and pushing everyone away because of you.
I'm tired of constantly hurting because of you.
But there's nothing I can do to stop loving you..
And I'm so terribly sorry..
I'd hate to be loved by someone like me too..
But just know, I'll always love you more than anything in this world..
And you'll forever have my heart.

I loved you with all of my heart,
I never wanted us to grow apart.
But now you've grown so far away,
I only wanted to hold onto to you for one more day.
I only wish you'd see, how much you mean..
You were the part of me, that was missing all along.
And now I don't know what to do,
With my life, without you.
You were my ray of sunshine,
You were the air that I breathe,
You helped me live, you helped me see.
How beautiful life was, and how beautiful life could be.
I haven't felt that in a long time.
You were the beauty of my life,
But now all that is gone.
You've grown so far away..
Please come back, please stay.

Does it ever scare you to know..
That the sky, will never be painted as beautifully as it was today.
That the trees will never be greener, than they were today.
That the stars, will never be aligned again exactly as they are on this very night.
Does it ever scare you to know..
That your hair will never be parted or placed as it was today.
That your clothes will never smell as fresh as it was, today.
Or that your make up will never look exactly the same as it was today.
Does it ever scare you to know..
That this day, May 7th, 2015, will never happen again.
And the sun in the sky, will never shine brighter than it did today.
And that the memories made today, will never occur again.
Does it ever scare you to know..
That since the day we were born, the only thing we were destined in life is death.
That we live everyday, moving closer and closer to the end of our time.
That our time here on Earth, is measuerd in days, hours, minutes, seconds..
Does it ever scare you to know..
That the people, places, things, around you at this very moment..
Will cease to exist, to know it'll all be gone in an instant someday.
That the days gone by, are just memories now..
Does it ever scare you to know..
That in 10 years, things will be completely different.
And the moments we're making in our life right now, will soon be forgetten.
Lost in all the other moments we've made along the years.
Does it ever scare you to know..
Because it scares me..
It scares me to know that everything in front of me at this very moment,
Will all change in an instant someday.
That the people and places, I know right now, I will not know someday.
That this so called "life" I am living right now,
Will some day be replaced with death.. And my days here will end.
I think I fear the future, because I have no idea what's in store for me..
I fear it so much to a point, that it keeps me up at night..
Wondering..

It's been over a month,
And still that night replays over in my head.
The looks those people gave me,
When they seen my scars.
How they treated me and looked at me,
Like I wasn't human..

I wasn't sure what was going to happen,
Everything was a blur..
It all happened in an instant,
And I didn't know how to handle it.

I was taken away from my family,
And hospitalized for 8 straight days..
I was miles away from home,
And there was no possible way out..

But when I was in that place,
I learned something about myself,
I learned the true value of life..
And that it is full of misery and pain,
But without misery and pain,
There would be no such thing as happiness.

We all face a war with ourselves,
In my case, I had a war with depression..
And it went so far,
I landed myself in the hospital..
But it showed me,
I wasn't alone in this world,
Fighting a battle with depression.

But I'm proud to say,
After it all..
I won the battle,
And it's finally over.
At least, I hope it is...

You said, "Be right back"..
But you never came back for me.
You must have forgotten about me,
Like everyone else did.
Now I'm broken and alone,
And for some reason I still wait for you.
Even knowing that you'll never come back to get me..
Even knowing that I'm just a faded forgotten memory.
I loved you..
I still love you..
I loved you enough to wait all these years.
I only wish you would've told me before you left,
To save me from all those tears.

It's sad to me,
That I have to depend on a little pill,
To be my happiness.
I have to depend on a little pill,
To take away all my pain.

I wish I could find the strength within,
To be happy on my own,
But I can't..
I'm too weak..
I'm too broken..

So instead I wake up every morning,
Take two of my happy pills,
And go on with my day.
But deep down inside,
It hurts me..

It hurts me that I can't be happy on my own,
It hurts me that I'm being punished,
For having something I never asked for.
For becoming someone I never asked to be.

All everyone wants,
Is to be happy..
But this isn't the way I wanted it to be.
At least not for me..

So many words I wish to say to you,
But I could never find the right words.
So many things I wish to show you,
But you're not here for me to show.
I just wish to hear your voice one last time before you go.
The way your voice sounds when you tell me you love me,
The way you sound when you laugh.
The way your voice fills with excitement when you talk about things you're passionate about.
All these things, is what made me fall for you.
But now I'm falling apart because of you.
I know you never meant to hurt me,
Like I never meant to hurt you.
But both of us knew, it was too good to be true.
It was too perfect, to last.
But I want you to know, it was only perfect because you were a part of it.
I only wish I had more time with you..
More time to show my love to you.
More time to tell you all the things I never got to tell you.
Like how hopelessly in love I am with you,
And how you're my forever,
And how I daydream about holding your hand and kissing your lips for the very first time.
And how when we fall asleep together on the phone, I stay awake just a couple more minutes after, just so I can hear the sound of you breathe.
Just hearing and knowing, that you, you're there with me..
Made me feel less alone.
But now I'll be falling asleep alone again,
Without the sound of your voice being the last thing I hear.
God, I never meant to hurt you..
I never wanted to lose you.
But you deserve better,
Better than I could have ever given you.
I love you..
I will love you always.

A year ago today,
I met you.
Without knowing a thing about you,
I seen something in you,
That I never saw in anyone else.
There was something about you.
That was so perfect, so pure, so real..
I fell for you,
I am in love with you.
Although it hurts,
Because you're so far away.
My heart still beats for you every single day.
You are my light,
That outshines all of the darkness.
You made me who I am today,
And I love you.
Because without you,
I would not be complete.
You filled that hole,
That hole that was in my heart.
You were my missing piece,
Please never leave.

Somethings you never asked for,
Somethings you never deserved..
But you get up again,
And move on from them.
And you take them as a lesson learned.

Losing you has shown me,
That I can get through anything.
You meant the world to me,
You were my world.
And now I've overcome the loss of you.
Even though it still really hurts.

I miss you everyday,
But I know this is for the best.
I'll love you till the end,
But I'll lay our memories to rest.

So I'll say goodbye,
For the final and last time.
And hope you never forget,
What we once shared and had.

But I'll hold you in my heart, for the days to come.
And hold onto to the love we never had.
Hoping someday, we can reopen those doors,
And be brought back into each others lives again.

I haven't noticed until now,
That I have no one in this world that loves me..
I have no one in this world that would go out on a limb for me.
I have no one in this world to hold me when I'm sad,
I have no one in this world to cry on when I need it,
I have no one in this world to share my moments with,
I have no one in this world that is curious about me,
I have no one in this world that understands me,
I have no one in this world that accepts me and my terrible decisions I make,
I have no one..
For a while, I thought I had someone..
But sitting here all alone,
Without a soul near or around me,
I realize that I don't have anyone at all..

Everyone always leaves me alone,
Alone with my thoughts.
Those thoughts that drag me back to that dark place,
I know as home.
That place filled with darkness, and pain.
Where I am slowly drowning,
Gasping for air.
Reaching out for a hand,
But no one is ever there.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be good enough, if I'll ever fit your standards of "perfect". I wonder how you could possibly love me, if I can't even love myself. You mean the world, the stars, and the entire universe to me. But sometimes I feel you drifting away, into a vast ocean of nothingness.. Becoming just another part of the past, when I wish you could be my whole future.

I know those days are long gone,
And it's only a memory that we'll soon forget, on our journey through life.
But do you ever wish you could go back,
And relive the beauty of the past?
Those days, when you were so happy..
And just make that moment last.

I wish I could go back to that day,
When you and I first met..
Oh, that day was so perfect.
You made me happy,
It was a kind of happiness I had never felt before.

Now a year, and 3 months later..
I'm falling apart..
I'm breaking piece by piece..
Trying to hold on to all of our memories.

I remember on my 16th birthday,
You called me..
You were so nervous to sing me happy birthday,
So I sang it with you..
And that was the most amazing birthday I had,
All because of you.

I remember that night,
When we fell asleep on the phone together.
Before you fell asleep,
You told me "Goodnight, I love you."
And I said "I love you too"..
I didn't fall asleep..
I just stayed there listening to the sound of you breathe.

Oh, how I would give anything to get those days back.
But I will cling onto those memories,
Those memories I'll never have again.
God I miss you so much..

Paint the skies, black and blue.
For it represents, what I feel for you.
Pain and misery, is what I feel.
And it is the only thing, that I believe is real.
Look into my eyes,
See all of the lies, I have spoken.
All the promises, I have broken.
Tears of misery, run down my cheeks.
And my broken heart, leaks.
The blood of life,
The life I never lived.
Take my hand, and mend my sorrow.
For I shall not be here, tomorrow.
You've taken away, all I ever had.
And all I ever had was you.
You were my heart,
And I cannot live without my heart.
When it is broken, shattered, and torn apart.

You were the one,
That taught me how to feel again.
You were the one,
That showed me that this wasn't the end.
You took my broken heart,
And put it back together again.
Even though, I thought you loved me.
Where are you now when I need you the most?
I remember those days when we were so close.
Oh how I wish, I could relive those days,
Relive all those memories that have faded away.
Even though you said you'd never leave,
Where are you now? When I'm in need.
I'm trying so hard, to cope with this pain.
But this emptiness inside, has left me drained.
Even if you don't love me too,
Just remember that I'll always love you.

You blossomed into my life,
Like a flower on a spring day.
I picked you up,
And kept you for so long.
But eventually,
You started dying..
And even though,
You're just a stem now.
You're just as beautiful to me,
As you were the first day I saw you.

I can feel myself,
Falling into the same habits..
I felt before.
Those terrible feelings,
Are rushing in again..
Only this time it is different..
I no longer am reaching for a razor,
Hoping to find my way out in that.
But I do feel myself,
Balling up my emotions again..
Not expressing them to anyone.
Which isn't good for my own health..
I'm just afraid of what'll happen,
If I tell someone I'm sad again.
How they'll react,
What they will do..
Maybe it's just a temporary thing..
But I don't know how to cope with it..
I lone for the taste of alcohol on my lips,
Or some thing..
That beautiful some thing,
That'll make me feel nothing at all..

How could I be okay, when you're so far away.
How could I smile, when you're not there to help me through the day.
You are my light..
That once shined so bright.
But now you're dimming out,
The farther you grow away from me.
I thought I could hold you tight,
But how could I?
When you don't want to be by my side.

How could I be okay, when you're so far away.
How could I smile, when you're not there to help me through the day.
All I see is darkness, surrounding me.
I need my light, to shine over me.
Take me in your arms,
Tell me everything will be okay.
I reach for your hand,
But you pull away.
Watch me as I slowly drown,
I scream for you,
But you don't hear a sound.

I want someone..
That will love me, for every thing that I am.
Love all my flaws and love me even in my darkest times.
I want someone that would be afraid of losing me, so afraid that they would go out of their way just to be with me.
That misses me, even when I'm right there.
That's not afraid to love me, and to be loved by me.
That's not ashamed of being with me..
That smiles, not only on their face, but through their entire body when they see me.
That is filled with happiness whenever they think of me..
And yet that someone to me, is you.
But you will never know..
And I will never be your someone.
Because to you I am just a leaf, and to me you are my flower.
My beautiful flower..
For I am just an ugly leaf on your stem, pulling you down..

I'm hurting and I'm tired of pushing it aside to make you happy.
I'm hurting and I'm tired of pretending that I'm not.
I'm hurting and I'm tired of crying alone with no one to hold me and tell me it's okay.
I'm hurting and it seems like you don't care to notice.
I'm hurting..
I wish you'd see.. how much I'm hurting..
I wish you could feel.. how much I'm hurting.
I'm hurting, please notice before it's too late.