I remember the last day i seen you.
Its still etched in my memory
even tho its been a century.
Today i see you and its nothing.. maybe if you seen me a couple of days ago things would of been different but.. last night i gave up on everything completely, whats the point if at the end of the day i fall apart no matter if it was good or bad it only ends in self destruction. Sure i sound like a pessimists but i simply cant see the bright side anymore.. besides him who do i really have. No one. And im not even sure that he's really there maybe he's only here physically idk.  And im terrified to find out. All this uncertainty is drowning out my voice of reason.

Ill never forget the sickening feeling i got when i watched you try to swallow a handfull of pills.. i quiet literally cried so hard it made me physically sick and everything went black with the thought of you dying... i didnt have the stregnth to stand anymore, i collapsed with the weight of your pain.. im so glad he was there to stop you, because i all i could do was scream with the air that was left in my lungs because trying to take a breath was like trying to breathe under water..  to him i am forever grateful. I dont know what it is  that makes you so hateful.. everything after that seemed so... dark and hopeless. I am forever afraid, if just the thought of you not being here was enough to take the breath right out of me and make my whole world shake with destruction what am i going to do when you really do leave this world..

I am afraid
I am scared we will become a routine.
I am terrified you will be the one to leave even though I know im not staying.
I am afraid of losing what I never really wanted in the first place.
I am smothered in guilt for not wanting this as much as you do.
I am full of love and affection but I cant seem to find myself around you.
I am yearning for the way I used to be able to love with ease.
I am hurt because I know this will run its course.
I am tortured by my own glass walls.
I am kept alone when you are right there begging to be let in.
I am trying so hard my arms bleed showing the pain you cant see through my walls.
I am trying to keep control as we are thrashed about in this ocean.
I am so sorry I am afraid.

Its easy to say I would die for you,
But harder to say id live for you.
I know im going to look like such a fool for you.
But I would be anything if it meant I could keep you.
I never even wanted to be with you in the first place.
Its not fair how you've worked your way into my heart and dreams.
And now your just slowly walking away when this was your idea in the first place.

Writing wishful words wont make it so.
Where was your mind when we would talk?
I would wonder through waters of weakness.
Going through withdrawals from being without you.
From that one moment you would always be where my heart was.
Even when I know I wont be who you wish I was.

I don't know what it is but I can't help it
All you have to say is "jump"
And I'll ask "how high?"
Even though I'm not your number one anymore,
You're still my only one.
And I'm pathetic but you still taste like an anaesthetic
And I still can't see through your haze.
I watch you sleep while I look for the words to wake you and bring you back but I can't find them and I'm stuck here
Clinging to an empty body who's lost all feelings.
Where have you gone?

I don't know what it is but I can't help it
All you have to say is "jump"
And I'll ask "how high?"
Even though I'm not your number one anymore,
You're still my only one.
And I'm pathetic but you still taste like an anaesthetic
And I still can't see through your haze.
I watch you sleep while I look for the words to wake you and bring you back but I can't find them and I'm stuck here
Clinging to empty memories of us.

My heart: "He's only going to hurt you, he doesn't love you and even if he did would you believe it? No.  He only wants you for one thing and as soon as he gets bored hes gone.

My head: well i really hope that isnt true.. maybe he can help me forget what she did to me.. maybe i wont feel so worthless anymore..  but if it is true, okay, lets play this game then. I can be just as heartless as him.

Later on that night: is laying in bed heart broken and gets even more lost at sea

...its okay.. no one can find me out here.. not after so much of me has been stolen away.. you probably wouldnt even recognize me..

I couldn't find the words to describe the longing I feel for you..
And the pain that comes with knowing it isn't the same for you.
So I found the words in French instead, sitting on this bench alone with this all to familiar hollowness for company. I don't know what it is about your presence that makes me want you around all the time. I can't help but wish you mine. You're bound to my thoughts but it's like trying to find water in this drought. I miss you.. I can't stop. No matter how hard I try, it only ends in me wanting to cry. And this is stupid but it makes sense to me. Only me.

To start anew on a day like this taste like nostalgia and bittersweet tea..
I remember a moment ago we were on our way to meet..
Forever ignorant to the pain we were about to exchange..
Around this time last year i was drowning in your wake of destruction.. now im being held close for warmth and safety away from you.. that touch of uncertainty forever embedded in my heart swept away so easily by only the thought of him like it hadnt eaten away at me for the last 4 years..
Whats left of me?
Is there anything left to love? Why cant i feel the moment like i use to? Why am i so far away? Did i get lost along the way looking for something that can no longer be found in your eyes?  
Is love something ive lost the ability to feel? How do you get something like that back from someone who no longer exists.. i want so badly to be able to let myself love you the way you deserve but its almost like.. i have nothing left to give.

Those little knowing glances took my breath away.
Even though I knew the there would be a price to pay.
They lifted up my soul and pulled the pieces together making me whole.
Its too bad that to you it was just a role.
They pulled a passion out of me that I didnt know existed.  
I could not resist it.
I spent days decorating my mind with images of you.
Now that your gone this place is just a cage, locked and there is no clock.
Because I know this has no end.
There is nothing left of me to mend.
I can feel an on coming flood.
Its mixed with my blood,
from where I tried to cut you out of my skin.
I am drowning in this ocean of sorrow.
Because I know for us there is no tomorrow.  
You were just a myth.
One I became obsessed with.
You caused an earthquake in my heart.
Painted my soul black with your art.
I ripped my wrists to shreds,
because I knew you were  in his bed.
All I knew was I wanted to be dead.
I cant erase what I read.
As I fade further away from you I seem to be tortured by thoughts of never wanting to forget to trying everything to never remember that dark December day.

The doubt...it fills me to the brim with anxiety until it is too painful to bare.

The jealousy...its like trying to avoid breathing in smoke when your house is in flames and the windows are locked..suffocating.

The love...its like the pain you feel while having an asthma attack.. you cant breath the air you so desperately need and the harder you try the more your chest aches.. the more your world sways near destruction at the thought of never tasting the addictively sweet scented air. Its like I can almost see the end from this spot where i brace myself in your arms from whats to come. Its crazy..looking for protection in the arms of the enemy.

The shame and the guilt.. its like learning to hate myself all over again after having spent 4 ******* years just to be okay with being alive without that person whos name I still cant seem to say.. its like I want to scream "THIS IS YOUR FAULT!! SHE WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME BECAUSE YOU LET HER. YOU EVEN HELD HER WHILE SHE POINTED THE GUN RIGHT AT MY HEART THAT WAS MEANT ONLY FOR YOU " But I cant because I choke on the love that I have for you that was never my idea in the first place.

The end... its like going through hell all over again.. its like standing on the tracks knowing a train is on its way but I cant move because you told me if I really loved you I would stay forever. Even as the end is on its way.

Sometimes the answer is so obvious we're blind to it..
Like asking a fish how the water feels...


"what water?"

Some say that time will heal..
No.. time only dulls the pain, the reason behind it never fades.
What if when the time comes for our sins to be paid and  all we have left is our wishes for a time long forgotten..
What if happiness only comes to us after death?

I feel as though I'm looking for an anwser to a question I dont even know..  
Everything kinda feels pointless when you dont know what you want..
Even if I had what I wanted would I be happy?..
This is just a place to write my feelings no one cares to listen to.. yet I find myself speaking words that go unheard. And its the same everywhere.. no one listens to me so why talk?

I am pathetic.
I feel ridiculous.
I feel my self believing their accusations.
But I am not just some over dramatic burn out.
if you could see my life through my eyes you would feel just as helpless.
If you felt what I felt youd try anything to escape too.
If you seen what Ive seen youd be just as traumatized as me.
If you heard what I heard youd be sobbing too.
I wish you could see what I see.

What do i do when youve stolen my breath and made me forget what i wanted to say?
What do we do when the moonlight has washed away our thoughts..and all we have left is this silence i cant seem to fill?  
What do i do when you want more than friendship...or more like less than a friendship?
What if all i wanted was someone to take away the pain..not add to it..
What will i do when you decide im not worth getting to know as a person but only good enough to get to know my body...
What do we expect from each other?..
Where will i find these answers that im too terrified to ask?
What if to you its only lust not love?..

We shouldnt have to weep in the night wishing for death
We shouldnt have to live with this unbearable weight
We shouldnt have worry about whats wrong with us
We should be able to live where our hearts work without hesitation from fear of withering in pain
We shouldnt be living in fear of wether or not we'll break down at work the next day
We should be able to sleep at night as easily as the people without depression/anxiety do...
When will we be able to wonder how we ever walked thru the fire without completely losing who we are..  will we make it that far?..

Each
Word
gives
Off
a
different
Vibe
Its
Finding
The
Right
ones
That
Is
The
hard
Part