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860 · Mar 2016
Idle Hands
Unnoticed Notes Mar 2016
"Idle hands are the devils play thing."
Ive come to realize that as soon as my mind finds a moment of boredom I fall into this pit of sorrows from the past.
I know it won't last but I look to find something fast.
The last time this happened I became someone I didnt recognize.
A person no one should Idolize.  
Someone that follows me around,
waiting to make me hell bound.
He doesn't know she exist and ill never tell.
But it wont be long before he sees I am not well.
I hear the warning signs in my heart as I walk up to you.
Theyre so loud.
I hate how this makes me sound.
There is a side to me that I pray you never see.
She is self destructive and its more contagious than you think.
Its more than just having a drink.
Its looking for that little white line that relieves her guilt while also adding to it.
I am not meant for you, my love.  
Just as my first-love was not meant for me.
I hope one day I have the stregnth to leave this part of me behind. ♥
698 · Dec 2016
Wondering why
Unnoticed Notes Dec 2016
We shouldnt have to weep in the night wishing for death
We shouldnt have to live with this unbearable weight
We shouldnt have worry about whats wrong with us
We should be able to live where our hearts work without hesitation from fear of withering in pain
We shouldnt be living in fear of wether or not we'll break down at work the next day
We should be able to sleep at night as easily as the people without depression/anxiety do...
When will we be able to wonder how we ever walked thru the fire without completely losing who we are..  will we make it that far?..
The tiredness is wearing me down.. im so low i forgot what the sun looks like.
642 · Mar 2016
Untitled
Unnoticed Notes Mar 2016
I am pathetic.
I feel ridiculous.
I feel my self believing their accusations.
But I am not just some over dramatic burn out.
if you could see my life through my eyes you would feel just as helpless.
If you felt what I felt youd try anything to escape too.
If you seen what Ive seen youd be just as traumatized as me.
If you heard what I heard youd be sobbing too.
I wish you could see what I see.
622 · Mar 2016
Stay faithful love
Unnoticed Notes Mar 2016
No matter how hard I fought it
You have taken my heart
Please
I am begging you
Dont hurt me the way they did
I know you said you wouldn't and I really shouldn't doubt it
But there's just something about it, what you said made me wish I was dead.
I wish I could push this out of my head.
Everythings going to fall apart...
Please.. hold me together before it starts.
Im honestly terrified. I dont think I can go through this again. </3
617 · Mar 2016
DAY AFTER DAY
Unnoticed Notes Mar 2016
Blank faces
Crowded minds
Tired hearts
Unwanted thoughts
Meaningless words
Warm smiles only meant for the publics sake
Avoided issues
More give and take
All the while looking for someone to lose myself in and trying to find who I use to be.
586 · Apr 2016
Searching..
Unnoticed Notes Apr 2016
I feel as though I'm looking for an anwser to a question I dont even know..  
Everything kinda feels pointless when you dont know what you want..
Even if I had what I wanted would I be happy?..
This is just a place to write my feelings no one cares to listen to.. yet I find myself speaking words that go unheard. And its the same everywhere.. no one listens to me so why talk?
Thinking about just deleting my account because... I am afraid..
Always afraid.. of what? Of everything and im sick of it.
545 · Jun 2016
Idk
Unnoticed Notes Jun 2016
Idk
I don't know what it is but I can't help it
All you have to say is "jump"
And I'll ask "how high?"
Even though I'm not your number one anymore,
You're still my only one.
And I'm pathetic but you still taste like an anaesthetic
And I still can't see through your haze.
I watch you sleep while I look for the words to wake you and bring you back but I can't find them and I'm stuck here
Clinging to an empty body who's lost all feelings.
Where have you gone?
Still working on it. Hopefully you like it so far:) not entirely sure if writing is my thing but I'm trying. Lol
545 · Apr 2016
Untitled
Unnoticed Notes Apr 2016
I found this in my notebook from a while ago and thought id post it.


Caution
"If you reading this your probably in peices over all my broken words. Or maybe you just think im over dramatic. I used to tell myself that all the time just to ease the pain from the fact that this is how some humans are stuck living. So im sorry if you can relate to even part of my story."
"Why create something only to hate it?" they asked.
"Because it draws some of the hate away from myself."
Idk. Worse day ive had in a long time so I decided to look through some of my old note books. I have a feeling this wont end tomorrow either..
528 · Dec 2016
Eye witness
Unnoticed Notes Dec 2016
Ill never forget the sickening feeling i got when i watched you try to swallow a handfull of pills.. i quiet literally cried so hard it made me physically sick and everything went black with the thought of you dying... i didnt have the stregnth to stand anymore, i collapsed with the weight of your pain.. im so glad he was there to stop you, because i all i could do was scream with the air that was left in my lungs because trying to take a breath was like trying to breathe under water..  to him i am forever grateful. I dont know what it is  that makes you so hateful.. everything after that seemed so... dark and hopeless. I am forever afraid, if just the thought of you not being here was enough to take the breath right out of me and make my whole world shake with destruction what am i going to do when you really do leave this world..
This poem is for my mom.. maybe one day ill let her read my poems.. she doesnt even know i write. Im so sorry i cant take away your pain...
515 · Oct 2016
I dont think I can
Unnoticed Notes Oct 2016
When time comes to a stand still
and terror fills my chest,
when the very air stops
and uncertainty creeps up on us,
I cant help but reach for you.
Our uncertainty smothers the flame we use for warmth, causing you to flinch at my touch for the cold has seeped into my very soul.
To repeat the past means death and
I don't think I can.
515 · Apr 2016
Forever wishing
Unnoticed Notes Apr 2016
Writing wishful words wont make it so.
Where was your mind when we would talk?
I would wonder through waters of weakness.
Going through withdrawals from being without you.
From that one moment you would always be where my heart was.
Even when I know I wont be who you wish I was.
Meh. :/
514 · Dec 2016
December 19th 2016
Unnoticed Notes Dec 2016
I remember the last day i seen you.
Its still etched in my memory
even tho its been a century.
Today i see you and its nothing.. maybe if you seen me a couple of days ago things would of been different but.. last night i gave up on everything completely, whats the point if at the end of the day i fall apart no matter if it was good or bad it only ends in self destruction. Sure i sound like a pessimists but i simply cant see the bright side anymore.. besides him who do i really have. No one. And im not even sure that he's really there maybe he's only here physically idk.  And im terrified to find out. All this uncertainty is drowning out my voice of reason.
Idk anymore lol.. fml
501 · Apr 2016
Winds Of Destruction
Unnoticed Notes Apr 2016
Even these dangerously
addictive winds could
not uproot my heavy heart.
But a look from you
sent me soaring through the air.
Not that you are any
safer than the 1000mph wind outside the eye of this storm.
You make me feel higher than these drugs ever could♡♥♡♥♡
461 · Dec 2016
Internal war
Unnoticed Notes Dec 2016
My heart: "He's only going to hurt you, he doesn't love you and even if he did would you believe it? No.  He only wants you for one thing and as soon as he gets bored hes gone.

My head: well i really hope that isnt true.. maybe he can help me forget what she did to me.. maybe i wont feel so worthless anymore..  but if it is true, okay, lets play this game then. I can be just as heartless as him.

Later on that night: is laying in bed heart broken and gets even more lost at sea

...its okay.. no one can find me out here.. not after so much of me has been stolen away.. you probably wouldnt even recognize me..
Normally how it goes right?.. i shouldve seen this coming but i couldnt help my self from hoping and thinking of what if...
457 · Jun 2016
Lo Douleur Exquise
Unnoticed Notes Jun 2016
I couldn't find the words to describe the longing I feel for you..
And the pain that comes with knowing it isn't the same for you.
So I found the words in French instead, sitting on this bench alone with this all to familiar hollowness for company. I don't know what it is about your presence that makes me want you around all the time. I can't help but wish you mine. You're bound to my thoughts but it's like trying to find water in this drought. I miss you.. I can't stop. No matter how hard I try, it only ends in me wanting to cry. And this is stupid but it makes sense to me. Only me.
456 · Jun 2016
Idk
Unnoticed Notes Jun 2016
Idk
I don't know what it is but I can't help it
All you have to say is "jump"
And I'll ask "how high?"
Even though I'm not your number one anymore,
You're still my only one.
And I'm pathetic but you still taste like an anaesthetic
And I still can't see through your haze.
I watch you sleep while I look for the words to wake you and bring you back but I can't find them and I'm stuck here
Clinging to empty memories of us.
438 · Jan 2017
Sometimes
Unnoticed Notes Jan 2017
I get so happy I forget to keep my gaurd up..
And I let my mouth pour
 
  o
          
u    
 
      t

the
   
          p

  a    

          r

t  

           s

of me that no one cares to hear
and when they land on deaf ears its like throwing away the only love I have left for myself and even others.. it feels like they are taking from this empty pit where my heart use to sit.
I should know these people aren't worth my dime but
I just want someone I can spend my time with
And
Not have to be afraid to forget as Im
f

           a

l    

          l

i        

       n  
   
   g        

Along

t

h    

e

Words

        S    

    p          
  
  i

l        

  l

    i        

  n

g

out 
 but  even   without  these  same 
 feelings  met,
Ill  keep  hoping  they   
will  not  add  to  my    regret

Soon enough though
Ill be back to looking,
Searching for someone I can connect with so much it feels like fate
and not just another pointless date.
Someone who cares to listen and to understand that Ill only be as willing as they are
to find this thing called "love" that we hope is still real and hasnt been lost this past year.
I hope that they believe long enough just to stay and see what we can achieve.


But I know Im asking for too much..
Because
if there's 
 hope
why is it that all I can think of is
a chair.
and  
some rope
Another lonley New years spent missing someone..
I know its kind of a sad poem and maybe even over dramitic but its 4am here and Im dealing with trying to figure out how to open up to people so i dont have to feel isolated anymore, I watch the people around me and they do it so easily making friends and finding the person they want to spend their life with but I cant get past the fear. How do you even begin to learn to be open with people? How do I remember to let someone in when ive avoided just that for more than 2 years..  I dont know whats worse my fear of being alone or my fear of trusting again...but I do know this is what I want to change for my 2017.
And  of course everything feels soo exaggerated since I havent slept yet.
Wish me luck
for I will need it this upcoming year.
433 · Dec 2016
Regret
Unnoticed Notes Dec 2016
Some say that time will heal..
No.. time only dulls the pain, the reason behind it never fades.
What if when the time comes for our sins to be paid and  all we have left is our wishes for a time long forgotten..
What if happiness only comes to us after death?
423 · Dec 2016
Untitled
Unnoticed Notes Dec 2016
What do i do when youve stolen my breath and made me forget what i wanted to say?
What do we do when the moonlight has washed away our thoughts..and all we have left is this silence i cant seem to fill?  
What do i do when you want more than friendship...or more like less than a friendship?
What if all i wanted was someone to take away the pain..not add to it..
What will i do when you decide im not worth getting to know as a person but only good enough to get to know my body...
What do we expect from each other?..
Where will i find these answers that im too terrified to ask?
What if to you its only lust not love?..
Where are we going with this?.. all i seem to know is that when youre around my mind gets lost.. and when youre gone its hurts like hell because idk if youre ever coming back. Wheres the promise of tomorrow?..
383 · Apr 2016
Painful Friendships
Unnoticed Notes Apr 2016
To me flirting is the same as cheating..
Because honestly it hurts just as much
Maybe even worse because I dont want to seem like im telling you who you can be friends with.. I dont want to seem clingy and controlling but my heart hurts so much because its being filled with so much doubt that I think I might just run away.
I wont survive this again.
I have nightmares about **** like this.
Maybe im just paranoid
Maybe im right
Especially since I know she likes you
It makes me feel like my insides are covered in acid.
But i wont speak of it because thats just not me. I rather sit in despair than bother you with my overthinking...
I love you with all the hate in my heart. :'*
376 · Mar 2016
My demise
Unnoticed Notes Mar 2016
I will go looking for the devil tonight.
I will take comfort in his arms
And he doesnt even have to use his charms.
As I look into his ocean eyes, I will cut all ties.
Anything to make me forget your lies.
I will walk straight into my demise.
This dance has gone on too long.
Even when I try, I am wrong.
Its like trying to avoid the mines in my mind.
**Impossible
Finally finished.
367 · Apr 2016
Written By A Mad Girl
Unnoticed Notes Apr 2016
"I think I made you up inside my head"*
There isn't a better phrase to describe the way I distort my reality just to feel some sort of love.
Even if my version of you is off this is  how I'll remember us.
Even if you only love me in my dreams.  
It's the high you give me that these hallucinations come from.
But a foundation made out of my damaged reality won't work.
I think my looking glass may be a little more disformed from the lack of truth than most.
The truth is you are one of my favorite memories in my head but im just a star in a sky of a million others.
I am nothing more than a speck in your world when at one point you were my only oxygen under the ocean.
Hardly a poem but I like it, thought you might too♥
362 · Dec 2016
Questions and lost answers
Unnoticed Notes Dec 2016
Sometimes the answer is so obvious we're blind to it..
Like asking a fish how the water feels...


"what water?"
*random thought**  We look for happiness as if it is something we can obtain physically when it is a place within.. but how do we find this place when our very brains have been wired for self destruction. This isnt fair..
346 · Mar 2016
Fear
Unnoticed Notes Mar 2016
I am afraid
I am scared we will become a routine.
I am terrified you will be the one to leave even though I know im not staying.
I am afraid of losing what I never really wanted in the first place.
I am smothered in guilt for not wanting this as much as you do.
I am full of love and affection but I cant seem to find myself around you.
I am yearning for the way I used to be able to love with ease.
I am hurt because I know this will run its course.
I am tortured by my own glass walls.
I am kept alone when you are right there begging to be let in.
I am trying so hard my arms bleed showing the pain you cant see through my walls.
I am trying to keep control as we are thrashed about in this ocean.
I am so sorry I am afraid.
Being afraid is killing my opportunities at happiness.
This isnt the best poem but I needed to write about this because it wont leave my mind.
343 · Mar 2016
No Tomorrow
Unnoticed Notes Mar 2016
Those little knowing glances took my breath away.
Even though I knew the there would be a price to pay.
They lifted up my soul and pulled the pieces together making me whole.
Its too bad that to you it was just a role.
They pulled a passion out of me that I didnt know existed.  
I could not resist it.
I spent days decorating my mind with images of you.
Now that your gone this place is just a cage, locked and there is no clock.
Because I know this has no end.
There is nothing left of me to mend.
I can feel an on coming flood.
Its mixed with my blood,
from where I tried to cut you out of my skin.
I am drowning in this ocean of sorrow.
Because I know for us there is no tomorrow.  
You were just a myth.
One I became obsessed with.
You caused an earthquake in my heart.
Painted my soul black with your art.
I ripped my wrists to shreds,
because I knew you were  in his bed.
All I knew was I wanted to be dead.
I cant erase what I read.
As I fade further away from you I seem to be tortured by thoughts of never wanting to forget to trying everything to never remember that dark December day.
334 · Apr 2016
Foolishness
Unnoticed Notes Apr 2016
Its easy to say I would die for you,
But harder to say id live for you.
I know im going to look like such a fool for you.
But I would be anything if it meant I could keep you.
I never even wanted to be with you in the first place.
Its not fair how you've worked your way into my heart and dreams.
And now your just slowly walking away when this was your idea in the first place.
I just want to scream because there's nothing I can do about it. This is barely even a poem but oh well -.-
327 · Dec 2016
A prophecy
Unnoticed Notes Dec 2016
"We'll be home soon, so dry your eyes, we'll be okay.."

Its hard to believe youre actually gone.. i look at the world around me and its like your out there somewhere still lost.. but you've went home without me..
You were always so quick to tell us how beautiful we are and how much we meant to you.. you were always so quick to try to save us.. no one knew that you were the one who needed the saving..
Its hard to believe that your six feet under never to be seen again..
To lose a childhood friend...
Its unbearable..
Are you lonley out there, its getting too cold out side..
Im so sorry..

"I should of known the tides were  getting higher"

I should of reached out and took your hand but you ran away.. too far and i just couldnt seem to reach you..
After what id heard you went through it feels like my heart has been ripped out.. id give my life to let you live.. you deserve.... deserved so much better than you accepted for yourself.
Thinking about the moment you died haunts me.. you must of been so scared.. you must of been in so much pain.. oh god.. why didnt you save him .. please... help him.. someone.. help me... i love him..

"You never said goodbye.."*

Ive dreamt of you.. all i remember is that the moment i seen you i grabbed you..ive never felt so much relief from a dream.. i hugged you and didnt let go until i woke up filled with nostalgia, all i could hear was myself saying "youre okay.. oh my god, youre okay.."
And You are okay now because honestly,
Now your the prophecy.
Sorry for the legnth, i just wanted to dedicate a poem and a part of one of his favorite songs for one of my best friend who overdosed not to long ago and with winter here things seem a lot more lonley.. </3
315 · Apr 2016
On It's Way
Unnoticed Notes Apr 2016
The doubt...it fills me to the brim with anxiety until it is too painful to bare.

The jealousy...its like trying to avoid breathing in smoke when your house is in flames and the windows are locked..suffocating.

The love...its like the pain you feel while having an asthma attack.. you cant breath the air you so desperately need and the harder you try the more your chest aches.. the more your world sways near destruction at the thought of never tasting the addictively sweet scented air. Its like I can almost see the end from this spot where i brace myself in your arms from whats to come. Its crazy..looking for protection in the arms of the enemy.

The shame and the guilt.. its like learning to hate myself all over again after having spent 4 ******* years just to be okay with being alive without that person whos name I still cant seem to say.. its like I want to scream "THIS IS YOUR FAULT!! SHE WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME BECAUSE YOU LET HER. YOU EVEN HELD HER WHILE SHE POINTED THE GUN RIGHT AT MY HEART THAT WAS MEANT ONLY FOR YOU " But I cant because I choke on the love that I have for you that was never my idea in the first place.

The end... its like going through hell all over again.. its like standing on the tracks knowing a train is on its way but I cant move because you told me if I really loved you I would stay forever. Even as the end is on its way.
He is going to cheat on me and there's nothing I can do about it. <\3
276 · Dec 2016
Writing..?
Unnoticed Notes Dec 2016
Each
Word
gives
Off
a
different
Vibe
Its
Finding
The
Right
ones
That
Is
The
hard
Part
275 · Dec 2016
When..?
Unnoticed Notes Dec 2016
Everyday I ask myself a question, to  try and fight my depression.
Today I ask if you could, would you could go back in time?
Back in your prime?
Would you stop a crime?
Would you go back past your lifetime?
When?
What would you do?
Where and when would you travel to?
Sometimes I think too much.
Do you miss someone's soft touch?
What would you do?
Some would learn something new, start anew, or buy something brand new.
I am so sorry if I changed your point of view
A poem my friend wrote months ago.. my answer changes everytime I read it.
210 · Dec 2016
New beginnings
Unnoticed Notes Dec 2016
To start anew on a day like this taste like nostalgia and bittersweet tea..
I remember a moment ago we were on our way to meet..
Forever ignorant to the pain we were about to exchange..
Around this time last year i was drowning in your wake of destruction.. now im being held close for warmth and safety away from you.. that touch of uncertainty forever embedded in my heart swept away so easily by only the thought of him like it hadnt eaten away at me for the last 4 years..
Whats left of me?
Is there anything left to love? Why cant i feel the moment like i use to? Why am i so far away? Did i get lost along the way looking for something that can no longer be found in your eyes?  
Is love something ive lost the ability to feel? How do you get something like that back from someone who no longer exists.. i want so badly to be able to let myself love you the way you deserve but its almost like.. i have nothing left to give.
I cant feel anything anymore.. what am i suppose to do..

— The End —