With me I carry this weary load,
It seems as if to be a part of me now.
Weighing down, my shoulders slump,
Stress along my furrowed brow.

It eats away at me,  getting in my head.
Telling me how I'm better being erased.
Playing reels on repeat thhrough the night,
Wake up from fault being chased.

Try to let go but the grasp is strong,
For this load keeps maturing where I feel stuck.
I can feel it's weight but I'm lost without it,
Who am I but this sick ****?

To be free is to be anew,
And who am I to ask of such gifts?
Instead I take this blade of mine,
With each slice, weight temporarily lifts.

Exiled
Just like I was before
Trust lost
There was none to mourn
Heart aches
As if an open sore
Self-inflicted
On rages the war

Some days I'm numb
Some days I'm sad
Some days I'm angry
Some days I can't get out of bed

Some days I'm happy
Some days I'm hiding
Some days I'm depressed
Some days I don't know who I am

Some days I'm ok
Some days I'm anxious
Some days I'm pretending
Some days I'm full of regrets

Some days I'm hopeful
Some days I'm suicidal
Some days I'm on track
Most days I'm out of my mind

I've ached for you for many years
As if you were a long lost friend.
Waiting for your miracle work
And all these wounds to start to mend.

Praying every night for you
Since I was just a kid.
All I needed was a little bit
But it seems vigor I was forbid.

So white knuckle through life I go
And stop praying to an unjust king.
Buried deep the pain inside
Is courage even a real thing?

Yet still, I grow and move along.
Is this real or all for show?
Without you by my side
I suppose we shall never know.

I put you in a frame today
Pretending to feel all that I spew.
Gave you a little respect,
Because you're somebody I once knew.

They tell me it wasn't your fault
The dreadful things he did.
How your body was not your own,
And the aches you cannot rid.

Words are hard to speak
With his body forced against yours.
Next day feel like his stench
Is dripping out your pores.

So I put you in a frame today
To remind myself of what it takes.
The strength to keep going,
He'll never be the one who makes us break.

Terrible the amount of anger spewed;
unrealized and uncontrolled.
Where honesty is meant to come off her tongue,
resentment instead is rolled.

Fighting to get through the pain,
trying to let people in.
But with lack of sauce to keep her sane,
irritability is sure to win.

Coming off as someone she's not
... what it takes to change,
I'm so ******* terrified because
to me that person is strange.

Alcoholic,
That's what I am.
Numb,
That's the brand.
Comfort,
That's all I want.
Memories,
That's what you haunt.
Escape,
That's what I try.
Inside,
That's where I die.

Today I took a bath.
Turned the lights down low.
Cold drink.
Lo-Fi beats.
Pax.
Today I took a bath.
The water steaming hot.
Face mask.
Bath bomb.
Relax.
Today I took a bath.
Recover from the day before.
Clean body.
Candles lit.
Lilacs.

Lying on the bathroom floor,
blade resting on the sink.
Unsure how to get up,
I feel myself begin to shrink.

Bloodied tissues looking down
on the mess lying below.
Beaded drops continue to form,
until heavily the must flow.

Shivering against the cold,
damp towel draped over.
Naked body frozen in fear,
flashbacks still they hover.

Passed out from exhaustion
of the war raging inside.
Help comes to pick me up,
instead I wish I'd died.

My counselor quit.
Such short notice.
Today was my last.
Personal stuff.
I understand.
I still hurt.
New guy's name,
is Anthony.
That's already
a hard one to swallow.
Abandoned again.
Have to start all over.

I want to **** myself today.
Instead I cut.
I made it 42 days clean.
That's because I cut yesterday too.
But hey,
I'm still breathing.
Right?

I'm tired of lies.
I'm so **** confused.
Are you real or
am I being used?

Hope shouted out
with joy from the shrine.
Believe in Him,
leave fear behind.

Entrust your faith
and you shall recieve,
everything we've taught
our flock to believe.

Except for those
who go above and beyond.
Rather, in pain
their lives shall be donned.

Surrounded by people
yet nobody cares.
Voices thundering
but no one's there.

Do this, do that,
conform to our views.
Bow down, submit,
it's ok to be used.

Drink your liquor
try to run from the pain
Make it worse
and drown in the rain.

Ignite your bud,
mind light and floating.
Indulge in sweets,
ignore the bloating.

Slice your skin,
unveil the mask.
Enjoy relief
which never lasts.

Sobriety.
Nobody said it would be fun.
Nobody said I couldn't run.

Run away from memories.
Dive into the bottle.
Drinking at full throttle.

Throttle pushed past her limits.
Jumping hills - watch me fly!
Faster now I'll reach the sky.

Sky dark and heavy.
Trapped away from sun.
Why have I yet to run?

Something bigger.
Something else.
Is there really?
Is there not?

We live on this floating ball in space.
Space, something indefinite.
Something unknown.
Are we alone?

Is it hard to believe
we are the only beings?
Yet harder to believe
there is a higher being.

We live alone
in our own worlds.
We feel alone.
Barren wasteland of existence.

Barren wasteland of a soul.
Body left to decay.
Just flecks of dust floating in space
for all of eternity.

The problem is I've held on to hope for so long,
I had forgotten what I was even holding.
Now I've found the thing within my grasp
Has only been fabrication.

My heart aches so much inside
For the little girl who will never have you.
My body hurts to the core
For the adult who's become burdened.

Continuing like this is insanity.
What I put myself through for you
Will never be worth it.
Neither will you.

Releasing my grip will hurt;
Cramped hand from holding so many lies.
But by freeing myself from these ropes,
I can reach out for something new.

So I'll open my first
Feeling the weight lift off
But I won't let myself look back
And watch you drift.

All my life I've believed in you,
I thought you were the one getting me through.
Time has passed-- Oh how I grew!
I do not believe the lies they spew.

Your existence is the lie
That hurts so much I wish only to die.
Instead, I turn face to the sky,
And spark what makes sanity equal high.

There is no way you can be real,
And still cause this pain that we feel.
Unfair is the hand you deal,
And cruel how innocent lives you steal.

You do not deserve an end
Or closure to this my fairweather friend.
I can no longer pretend,
Your chapter was anything but a trend.

To dream of a place
Where all pain has been healed
All we know is love

I don't understand
The way my body reacts
Or how it doesn't.

My brother is in town.
But he doesn't want to see me.

I think my grandma is dying

Numb and euphoric are not the same.
I need to quit mistaking the two.

You're like the zit I shouldn't squeeze.
I only want to pop your head,
And pinch your soul until it bleeds.

Light bounces off the cold metal,
A ****** blade begging for skin.
Pant leg pulled up above her ankle,
Looking for an escape from sin.

Crimson forming behind the glide,
Not too deep she's in control.
The knot within comes untied,
She watches as the feelings roll.

She keeps fighting this battle,
One she feels she may not win.
But her blade in turn is evil,
Instead it will let him in.

The rush wears off she runs to hide,
Into the comfort of her hole.
She knows she'd have rather died,
Than live with this broken soul.

Five years old, or maybe I was six?
The first memory I have to hold on to.
Hiding in my room as screaming begins,
So vicious the poison words they spew.

I drift to sleep but not for long,
Dad swoops me into the truck.
Pitch black outside, my brother crying,
Brain still groggy; mind is amuck.

In the parking lot we sit,
But he won't let me go back to sleep.
A large truck pulls across from us,
Secrets my mother could no longer keep.

With a violent screech Dad takes off,
Truck jerking with every shift.
No words are spoke alone on the road,
Into the night I start to drift.

We wake the next day at Grandma's house,
To a car parked with strangers inside.
Mom's come to take her children back,
And away she swept us like a riptide.

That's the first time I ever met him,
I had no idea who he was.
I did not know what was to come,
That day after we left Grandma's.

When we got home he fixed the doors,
And helped Mom take out the trash.
I had no clue it was all lies,
It happened so quick; in a flash.

A relationship developed quick,
He seems to be so good with kids.
A statement that in a way is true,
Trauma burned behind my eyelids.

But as I grew older feelings changed,
His need for power became too strong.
A story I wish my mom believed,
Forever I'll wonder what I did wrong.

I don't know why you left me
during such a hard and lonely time.
I can't understand why I won't let myself see
that you're being more than just shy.
I try to keep my head clear
and keep the thoughts of you away.
Just an empty space after "dear"
too many words are left to say.
Nights are growing darker
sleep is once again the enemy.
Your memory has become much larger
than the strength that's build inside of me.
So sing me that song just one more time
I promise I'll do my best, I won't cry.
But you've lost the words, and your sunshine
two words are all that's left to say...

Just try to ignore him...

Ignore his stench,
Like sweat drenched fears?
Ignore his laugh,
Like a shrill in my ears?
Ignore his face,
Like a revolting ghoul?
Ignore his imbalance,
Like a battered mule?
Ignore his touch,
Like a rugged wrench?
Ignore his darkness,
Like an endless trench?
Ignore his power,
Like a stifling net?
Ignore the things,
I beg to forget?

I was supposed to be my brothers keeper,
I raised and watched him grow.
But what I did was hurt him,
Now he's someone I don't even know.

And he doesn't know me either,
It's been so many years since we spoke.
Would he recognize me in the street,
All these tears I'm sure to choke.

I wish I could just take his hand,
Try to explain the insanity.
But my dear brother is gone,
The monster took him away from me.

If I take a stand now,
                                    what would I lose?
It's already gone...
                                    yet silent I remain.
Words trapped for so long,
                                    where to begin?
It feels as if there's nothing to gain.


If I take a stand now,
                                     who would I hurt?
Hearts still mending...
                                     yet everything is fake.
Feelings buried deep,
                                     how do I let them go?
What if I do and then never see Jake.


If I take a stand now,
                                     what would it fix?
Bits of soul missing...
                                     nowhere to be seen.
Scars keep seeping,
                                     when will this stop?
All I really want is to feel clean.

Clink, clink, clink goes the ice in the glass.
Golden whiskey trickles down their side.
Goosebumps rise and chest starts to burn.
Swallowing another memory she wished had died.

A letter...
to you.
But what would I say?

No.
Stop.
Don't touch me that way.

At least that's what I should've said.
But I just lay silently instead.

Thief.
Coward.
A magician, for they don't see.

The hurt.
The shame.
The mark you left on me.

The lights dim and a curtain's drawn,
A quiet theater as the show begins.
It's the same reel playing on repeat,
A shattered heart broken from sin.

He lies next to her as he'd always done,
Reliving his day through adventurous stories.
But something about him had changed that night,
The girl became something he had to seize.

A kiss of the lips catches her off guard,
"I'm sorry" escapes from under his breath.
Her chest so tight no response can form,
What comes next will surely be her death.

One hand on her side and he pulls her close,
Another kiss as he poisons her lips.
She can feel his excitement begin to rise,
He slide his leg up to part her hips.

Interlocked now she's trapped beneath him,
The weight crashing down on her soul.
A rhythm forms while his body presses in,
Her own feelings are now out of control.

The heat grows and a pulsing begins,
Something she had never felt before.
A feeling one should be allowed to enjoy,
Instead she feels like a ***** *****.

He leaves her lying there confused,
An evil grin creeps upon his face.
Where once before a bulge began,
A wet spot had formed to take its place.

No apologies now as he shuts the door,
Alone in her bed she begins to shake.
The man she thought she could look up to,
Had become the one to make her break.

And on this scene she now feels stuck,
Burning a hole through her mind like tape.
A scene no one will choose to believe,
Because it was never actually ****.

One foot in as she tests the waters,
Scorching hot, enough to revel in.
Tub over-flows as her body sinks,
Like her heart filled with so much sin.

Flames make shadows dance on walls,
Anxious they jitter from beneath the seam.
Chest tightens under the weight of 100 bricks,
As the air continues to thicken with steam.

Tile floor stained with a crimson splash,
So sure this way she would never die.
But the need to escape was far too deep,
Mind at ease because she knows she tried.

Trapped in my mind.

With these thoughts,
these memories,
these feelings.
Writing used to be
my escape,
my release,
my purpose

Now I don't even
know how to...

This makes no sense,
but it's on paper.
So maybe,
it's some sort
of escape,
release,
purpose.

From these
thoughts,
memories,
feelings.

I should be doing something,
Get out of this funk I'm in.
Instead I'm stuck in nothing,
Replaying years of sin.

I need love
I need belief
I need trust
I need compassion
I need comfort
I need healing
I need empathy
I need support
I need exsistence
I need kindness
I need patience
I need relief
I need protection
I need family
I need peace
I need forgiveness

I judge you for keeping these things from me,
Yet I can't find it in myself to give them to you.

You are the tide,
And I am the shore.
Coming and going,
I crumble once more.

Tumbling and churning,
Bits of me swept afar.
Repeatedly I let you win,
Tidal crashing over my *******.

Loud and roaring,
Your waves smash.
Battering my rocks,
Leaving your trash.

The moon begins to pull,
And you leave once more.
Because you are the tide,
And I am the shore.

You feel so ignorant
When you share and express
Everything that haunts you
And what makes you a mess.

Yet nobody listens
Nobody seems to care
Unwilling to lend help
Or even say a prayer.

But once it's their turn
To cry on your shoulder
Your existence is essential
Forcing you to grow colder.

Don't take time for yourself
Accusations you've gone ghost
Even if being alone is
What you really need most.

You've always had a way
of disappearing.
How dare me
for interfering.

I thought I was your
only sunshine.
A lie you've taught me
with time.

Is it really so difficult
to believe.
Shunning the one you
did conceive.

Afraid now to just
let go.
Did you know you've made
me hollow.

Maybe some day you'll
come around.
In these lies I'll
surely drown.

Slowly I feel the tension creep,
Up my back to the base of my skull.
Beneath the weight of my sins,
I begin to slowly crumble.

The knot forms with a grip so strong,
My head no longer wants to turn.
Memories keep flashing so fierce,
Along my spine it starts to burn.

Pulling tight the tension increases,
A pain unbearable above my right eye.
Like the ghost that tortures me within,
Something that doesn't go away with a high.

Vision obscured by shapes and colors,
Eyes glued open with so much fear.
For if I shut them I'm petrified,
Details of your face may reappear.

How exhausting this battle has become,
When all I do is keep losing.
As I lie down and wait for it to pass,
I feel myself reducing.

Shield your eyes, don't look my way.
Keep your words hushed, pretend it's okay.
Speak about, who you think I am.
The life I live, and the world I'm in.
Once my back's turned, point and talk.
You think you know me, and how I walk.
Place your labels, upon my scars.
Act like you know, what the reasons are.
Use choice words, and shift the blame.
And then shelter yourself, from feelings of shame.
Live your life, with me as your joke.
Never regret, the words you spoke.
The day will come, and this too shall pass.
Just like your ignorance, and being an ***.
But it seems, the days pass too slow.
And the nights come, with little hours to go.
The nightmare begins, as the sun rises.
A never ending hell, full of surprises.
I only wish, the end was near.
Hello happiness, and goodbye fear.
But the lesson in life, is that it goes on.
Filled with pain, just like our favorite song.
So we keep moving on, through mountains of snow.
With so much before us, and little hours to go.

Can the hell around me
     get any worse?
Is the pain I feel
     merely a curse?
Do I scream inside
     only to wake up dead?
Is this reality
     or all in my head?
Are these emotions
     and feelings real?
Does anybody know
     the way I feel?
Do they see what lies
     just beyond my smile?
Is help coming or
     will I lay here a while?
Is there life
     after my death?
Will someone be there
     should I hold my breath?
Is there really
     a pearly white gate?
If I reach it
     does my aunt await?
If hell awaits me
     will I see my mom?
Should I give up now
     or keep moving on?
Is this deep enough
     would you like to know more?
See deep inside me
     where my heart is a sore.
Experience my pain
     and the hell I've gone through.
The way I lie to everyone
     including me and you.
Understand yet
     why I am a fraud?
Will there be salvation
     and forgiveness from God?
Realize how this isn't
     about suicide?
Only about pain
     and how I feel inside.
So next time you see me
     will you see my smile?
Or see beyond it
     where I walk this lonely mile?

You were someone,
I thought I could count on.
Someone to comfort,
And ease the pain.
Now you're gone and,
I'm sick with anger.
Thinking this whole time,
I've been insane.

You were someone,
I thought I could count on.
Someone to distract,
And heal the hurt.
Now you're gone and,
I feel like giving up.
My soul ****** dry,
Like a wasted desert.

You were someone,
I thought I could count on.
Someone to protect,
And shield my heart.
Now you're gone and,
My cries for help fall silent.
Believing in God,
Is such a delicate art.

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
You're standing in the hall, screaming at me.
"Attitude Girl, you're so full of lies.
Shut up now and go dry your eyes."

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
You're looking down, criticizing me.
"Sit up straight, quit licking your lips."
Your words still sting like leather whips.

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
Your glare so stern, burning holes into me.
Shaking your head slowly in disapproval.
Like no one before making me feel so shameful.

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
The same person staring back at me.
A scowl fueled by hate and anger,
For all I see is my mother's failure.