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16
lua Apr 2020
16
the fear of growing up
the days have passed, too fast
the years swirl around me like leaves in the afternoon breeze
maybe it isnt so bad
but growing up means to see things as it is
to know things as it is
and to feel things as it is
maybe im too young
maybe im not young enough
to understand
but im afraid of growing up.
i turned sixteen back in late march. it was the loneliest sweet sixteen because of the quarantine but i dont mind. it gave me time to think of things.
lua Apr 2020
i go to sleep at 4 am
right before the breaking through of dawn
because i fear that when the sun touches my face
i won't be able to close my eyes.
lua Aug 2020
fierce and benevolent
these eyes of gold
warm and shattering against the light
of sunkissed skin on marble floors
he's sweet as figs
and sharp as a sword
and his heels pink and unmarred
by the heat of the sun
when our bodies touch for the first time
two souls intertwine
sewn together by threads of fate
i feel nothing other than him
and his gentle gaze and soft hair
but dawn comes around
during the pouring of blood from our cupped hands
onto tainted sheets
of dishonour and rage
and when i breathe my last breath
he roars, like a lion
loud enough for the gods to hear
and does not stop until his face hits the earth
with a smile.
patroclus and achilles
lua Feb 2020
the evening light
a dreamer dreams
of sunshine days
and full moon nights
the summer's overheat
the spring full of life
the autumn's browning leaves
the chill of winter's ice
the seasons come and go
and to and fro
the days, they pass by
and the times we all care
the moments we all share
in the days we say goodbye
the memories we hold within
inside, they hide
for a dreamer simply dreams
and dreams don't come alive.
lua Dec 2022
fleeting feelings, fleeing when i arrive
'fraid of facing me and
my somber sobriety and violent sighs
the night stays by me all the time
when he, the sun, chooses to hide
fleeing just as i do, my footprints 'gainst the soil
squished soles in the marshlands of may
the remnants of me on mother's display
a whisper of rain befalls me, just as i fall
with my back towards the world
putting these fleeting feelings behind me
as i burn with the promise
of summer on my mind

and im sure
im so, so sure
a ghost like me
needs not to explain
my escape.
lua May 2020
the moon pushes and pulls
with the ocean waves
of ebbing tides
and the swell of seawater
as it flows towards itself in blue and white curls
repetitive
hungry for anything
swallowing and devouring
deep beneath the surface;
a disturbance
yet captivating
tantalising in a way
like hypnosis
a dance which the sun can only dream of watching
as it clings on to the horizon
for a glimpse.
lua Apr 2020
the hours sped by like minutes
as my eyes cling to the rising sun
in desperation
for light
and reassurance
that i am indeed awake
breathing
alive.
lua Mar 2020
if i could stay longer, i would
id be here til time stops ticking
when the universe begins to crumble
and forever has met its end
if i could fuse our hearts together, i would
id stitch them together with thread
and let them beat
synchronised
even if they bled
and the thread stains red
i want to be with you and hear your voice ringing in my head
i want your voice to be the only thing i hear
theres nothing in this black hole but us
our fears
all the tears you wept and swiped away
lets set the galaxy on fire on our way to hell.
lua Oct 2019
you slipped and slipped from my fingers
until i could no longer feel yours
and the earth devoured you,
swallowed you,
ate you whole

you left me alone as the ground rippled and cracked beneath me
you left me alone as the waters grabbed my ankles and pulled me down
you left me alone as death came like raging ocean waves
like an explosion so spontaneous
i never had the time to open my mouth
to scream your name

you left me alone.
part 3
lua Mar 2020
An angel came to me in a dream once
An angel with a thousand eyes
And it glowed like a thousand suns
A pulsating heat
A fluctuating fire that burned everything in reach
When it spoke
A wave had washed over my body
Drenching me
Drowning me in a feeling I did not understand
It had asked me what my name was
And when I answered
It disappeared.
(1)
lua Mar 2020
The angel returned
It had enclosed me in its fiery embrace
And burned through me
With a thousand incendiary gazes
From a thousand eyes
That as if spoke to me whispers I could not hear
In tongues I could not comprehend or understand
But I did not quiver in fear of the flames
As they cradled me in a familiar warmth
Even as the flames grew brighter
And I felt my skin drip off my bones
Into the nothingness below me

The angel disappeared again.
(2)
lua Apr 2020
when dawn comes, i will rejoice
and beat my chest to the skies
because it is a reminder
that i lived through another day.
lua Aug 2021
my heart hurts
it squeezes
and bursts in my chest
as i cough up petals
she talks to me in flowers
and the sweetest of curves
but not about me
not about me at all
not me and her
and im left to yearn
yet to smile for her
bring the balloons
answer her questions
and watch them together
this is how it always ends
anyway.
and ill never tell her
how often i explode for her
i never will
anyway.
lua Sep 2019
My heart pounded against my chest so hard
It felt as if something was punching me
We ran,
Hand in hand
And never took a second to look back
For there was nothing left to look back on
But the charred silhouettes of memories
Soon to be forgotten.
we left it all behind when the fires started

part 1
lua May 2020
i can see the night on her skin
each freckle clustered
like constellations
scattered throughout her body
on the very dips of her hips
to the dimples on her back
a starry
starry night.
lua Aug 2023
i want
to
remember
what it is
to be
who
i am
but i don't
know
the first
letter
of my
name
i need
someone to
tell me
to
program me
and fix
my gears
i need
someone
to fix me
and replace
the faulty
wires
in my wrists
i want
to be
a real girl
i want
to be a
real
girl
i want to be
a real girl.
lua Feb 2023
a rifle fires a bullet into the night
its sonic boom shakes my bones
and rings in my ears
i watched it fly across the sky
its metal glinting like a shooting star
yet my eyes were too sluggish
unable to see where it might have hit
whatever it may have killed, lies in silence now
a corpse for me to find when i am older.
ash
lua Oct 2019
ash
there is no beauty in her words
only a hatred so strong
it turns every breath of hers to ash.
lua Sep 2019
A single sunflower
Its brothers and sisters have withered away
But it continues to rise and grow
And when the time comes, it shall bloom and turn its head to the sky
To follow the sun.
lua Mar 2023
at midnight, i dreamt
that i became one with the earth
that my skin grew roots
buried myself deep into the soil
mingling with the wriggling of the worms
that each time i would breathe,
sprouts of my favourite flowers would bloom
emerging from the ground in thousands
of where i am buried

at midnight, i dreamt
that i became one with the sea
swimming into the depths with the whales
dragging myself across the seafloor
kicking up sand
that my bones became coral,
my hair swaying with the anemones
my eyes lighting up in bioluminescence
like bright blue stars in an empty galaxy of water

at midnight, i dreamt
that i became one with space
crumbling into stardust and space debris,
i would orbit the moon like saturn's rings
and fling myself across the milky way
becoming one with the stars,
just as i was
many, many years ago.
lua Sep 2019
Sometimes it's having trouble falling asleep
Sometimes it's having trouble waking up
Sometimes it's sleeping the entire day
Sometimes it's waking up at ungodly hours
Sometimes it's eating everything in your fridge in one sitting
Sometimes it's not eating anything at all
Sometimes it's blood stains
Sometimes it's bruises
Sometimes it hurts
Sometimes it's numb
Sometimes it's running until you can't breathe
Sometimes it's being motionless for days on end
Sometimes it's the feeling of a blade
Or lukewarm water
Sometimes it's how hard you grip your pen
Or the balled up, crumpled pieces of paper
Sometimes it's watching every move you make in the mirror
Sometimes it's not looking your reflection in the eyes
Sometimes it tastes sweet
Sometimes bitter
Or salty
Or sour
Sometimes it's the cold feeling of the floor against your back
Sometimes it's the soft mattress you lay your head on in slumber
Sometimes it's the day
The afternoon
The night
Sometimes it's the guilt
The wrath
The fright
Sometimes it's clear as can be
Sometimes it's all fogged
Sometimes it's doing everything at once
And sometimes it's doing nothing at all.

There's a word for this.
lua Oct 2019
i feel their eyes on me as i walk along the street
their mouths hung agape, panting like dogs
like a wild pack of wolves
hungry
ready to pounce
ready to strike
ready to ****
i lower my head in fear
my heartbeat quickens as it sinks to my stomach
i walk and i walk and i walk
i run and i run and i run
and when i turn my head over my shoulder
i don't see them behind me
but i watch them from afar
each howl and snarl that slither through the cracks and gaps between jagged teeth
their blood stained paws move to the side
and i see it
i see it
i see it!
it was another wolf!
but it had collapsed
and when i turned my head to the side
all i saw was teeth marks
and red
red
red.
it was a traitor
lua Nov 2020
lately ive been dreaming of red
of swimming in the dark
and the roots of trees that snake around my ankles
in the cold
lately ive been dreaming of a shore
of mangroves in the deep of night
and the burning silence that fills the space
fills my ears with water
a peaceful demise
below the surface.
ive been having a recurring dream of being pushed into a dark inky ocean, and trying to swim to safety towards an island of trees. but ultimately, drowning.
lua Jun 2020
he tilted his head up towards the sky
to breathe out a laugh
as my heart stung
and twinged
in my chest
and my ears rung
with the chocolate
velvety tone of his voice
but as sweet as it sound
a bitter aftertaste lingers
for a
rather
long time.
lua Aug 2021
i ripple
with each touch
from your fingertips
in constant motions
that glide
hover against my skin
i tremble before you
goosebumps litter my flesh
and yet you say
you're not a god
but your eyes tell me otherwise
each pupil holds the sun and the moon
in warm pools
and with each flutter from your downcast lashes
paints my waters in glints of gold.
bulantubig is the 17th century classical tagalog word for orange/yellow, and it literally translates to moonwater (bulan = moon, tubig = water).
lua Jun 2020
a fiery heart
with cool toned shadows
the bluest flame to burn
eating away at the amber of the flames
and the beige and brown of flesh
scattering sloppy purple bursts.
lua Mar 2021
let me tend to the butterflies in my stomach
so when you step into my world
you'll see a garden full of colour.
lua Jul 2022
incessant
annoying
the buzz of cicadas in the edge of july

incessant, annoying
buzz of sunlight against my skin
prickles my cells
bleaching my hair

the world does not sway
there is no breeze, no gentle winds
just the shadows of leaves
and circle lights on the grass

dipping into the heat
dipping into the light
into the buzz of summer's noise

i hope it doesn't drive me crazy
i hope i don't sunburn.
lua Oct 2022
the meadow watches me
eyes hidden in flower buds
while i run through the tall grass
chasing after a ghost
its blurry form shifting colours
like the sunset and sunrise
sweat drips
down my cheeks
maybe i'm crying
i can't tell, really
i just know that
my lungs breathe clean air
for the very first time.
lua Apr 2020
she was a doll strung together with elastic
and her skin was of the finest china
smooth, crafted with the highest of care
and not a scratch to disturb her perfection
beneath her porcelain flesh
are bones of malleable gold
soft to the touch
expensive

truly,
she was not just any collector's item.
lua May 2020
the want to destroy but the need to create
the need to grieve yet the want to celebrate
to build a temple not to worship
but mock a god
to raise a building only to watch it fall
the desire to say no but you can't seem to refuse
the want to love but hatred is all you use
to be angry and scream
but you can't help but smile
the need to live in reality
but be stuck in a lie.
lua Sep 2020
it was like a shock
at first
like lightning strikes
in the silence of midnight
breaking through the calm
like a raging storm
that thrashed and hurt
in white-gold veins
harsh against the clouds
an electric current
that creeps into my blood
and settles in my chest
when i first saw you.
lua Oct 2020
it's a vibration in the air
that leaves tingles in the back of my throat
as my hairs stand on end
it's the electric currents in my veins
the magnetic pull of all that i touch
which draws me in
and yet
it's like a shiver down my spine
a hot mist through my nostrils
with a scent and stench
as drool and blood dribbles onto the floor
splattering
from the corners of my lips
when i wheeze and cough
and it comes in waves
that shake my knees,
my hands
and the flesh that binds me whole

a craving.
lua Aug 2020
and there is darkness once again in this place
of the gentle strum of a broken guitar
and the old crumbling walls that surround us
eager to give in
and let the ceiling ripple
crashing like giant waves
on a bright beach's shore
but we escape
from all these things birthed from ruin
and the tenderness of a warm hand
we escape
each fragmented laugh that echo the halls
and the days etched into the earth
we escape
and leave our souls behind
one piece at a time
and plant it into the soil
hoping it could grow and flourish
in this dark place.
lua Mar 2022
time slips from my fingers
when i count each passing day
that passes by like passerbys
on a busy street
walking past me, my disillusioned form
an escaped daydream from a chronic sleepwalker
a recurring thought

the clinking of atoms like drinking glasses
the passage of space
things don't make sense nowadays
never really did

i'm just a ghost with no body to call home
translucent and vague
people watching forever
forever a thought bubble in a lonely man's world.
lua Dec 2021
when death arrives
it will feel like
a gentle forest breeze
that carries whispers of ghosts in its palms

it will feel like
the earth shaking, ever so slightly
just enough to rattle you awake

death knocks on your door
like a freezing child in the wintertime
and asks for a sliver of stale bread

it will look like the reflection in the water
that disappears when you touch it
rippling into the surface

but it's a warm embrace of soil
the shower of ash into the sea
it's a mother's gentle kiss goodbye
and yet the harsh crack of wine bottles against your head

soon, death will offer you blood and nectar in two hands
but it's not a choice that you can make.
lua Nov 2019
they came to me at night with messages to bring

i won't ever forget the silence they carried to me

in arms that cradled words i could not understand

each syllable they uttered through chapped lips vibrated in my head

they reach out to me with molding skin

i see it fall to the ground in rotting clumps

they wrap me in their decaying embrace one last time

and when i awake

i find myself crying.
a final goodbye
lua Jan 2022
perspective shifts in all directions
a blur, out of focus from the earth
as spring blossoms in my throat

bloodied petals dried by the sun's rage
would it be my fault if i shielded my eyes?
away from his piercing glare
burning as he rises

ripping vines out of my mouth
tearing through my field of vision
until i close my eyes
and fade to black.
lua Sep 2019
there was a moment in time
when death sat beside me on a park bench
and he had rested his hand on the gap between us

i,

too,

rested my hand there
and brushed my fingers against his

and for a chaste moment
i savoured the warmth of his skin
and intertwined my hand with his

but he stood up

and left

and maybe he knew,

it was for the better.
it was the right option
lua Nov 2019
the sun rose high in the sky and burned the land beneath it
and i watched a thousand ants
crawling on a butterfly's dying figure
claiming its wings
as it frantically *****, erratic
desperate
but ultimately
devoured.
lua Apr 2020
Chest falls as smoke rises
Up into the air
The memory of a past
Long forgotten
Buried under a mountain of ash
Scrap metals, old wood
And photographs burnt at the corners.
all but a faint, distant memory.
lua Jul 2022
do you dream of me
in the night
when the moon peeks its head out from its haze?

do you dream of me
the way i dream of silent chills
in cloudy summer days?

do you dream of me
in morning light
or evening blaze?

do you dream of me
the way i dream of your tender embrace?
or the way i dream of you
and your quiet mistakes
and all of the heart ache?

do you dream of me?
lua Jan 2022
i always yearn for the things i can't reach
yearning for the sweetness of control
the satisfaction of having everything
and anything
brings

but i always find myself in tears
dumbfounded.
lua May 2023
it's dusty, i swipe grime off my skin
my memories piled up in stacks of
knick-knacks, yellowed notebook pages,
and drawings from when i was twelve
i haven't cleaned my room in a year
too scared, anxious
to touch anything
the fear of breaking my fragile sense of identity
that i've clung to

it's desperate, lonely
sleeping in a dusty room

i wipe the sweat from my forehead
cobwebs weave through my strands
clinging in clumps as i
rummage through my belongings

i hadn't seen these things in a while
remnants of when i was
happier, even though i said i wasn't

i'm a year older again
and soon i will be years and years older
and i will leave this room behind

for now,
as i stay for
a little bit longer
let me revert back into
the child i was.
lua Sep 2020
the tired eyes
and sluggish hands
in a late night rendezvous
that starts with a touch
that explodes in your chest
the fire at your fingertips
that splatter all throughout
and it's the sparks in your lungs
the brightness against a groggy gaze
which fills the spaces between your words
the ellipses between your sentences
the pauses between each breath you take
every hesitation
and never seems to end.
lua Jun 2020
When I blinked, the fires were gone and so were you

And for the longest time
I walked along the shores
Aimlessly
Panting and shoulders heavy
As the sound of the river's currents followed my every step
The coarse dirt and sand felt like a thousand needles pricking the soles of my feet
The black sun rises high in the skies
Sweat rolls down the apples of my cheeks

When I called your name, what echoed back was only my voice
Coarse and rough from exhaustion
From the dust and smoke that choked me
When the fires began to burn

I shut my tired eyes
And I try to imagine your face
But all I see is the smokey sillhouette
You left behind

I wandered and wandered
And with each aching step,
My knees shake like jelly
Weak, as they buckled
In the corner of my eye I see Charon's boat
His tall looming figure clutching the handle of a paddle
Hunched over, murmuring
As his eyes follow me like the currents of the river
All knowing
I felt transparent
And they were the last things I saw
Before my face met the ground
With a thud.









I rise to the sound of rushing water

My eyes flutter open
To see nothing but a grey haze
I lay
Unmoving
As water drifts my motionless body in gentle currents
And when shore hits my back
I stand
The blades of grass tickling my skin
Prickling my flesh

Where am I?

And I see it
The outline of a figure
Walking through the fog
Sitting atop a jagged rock's edge
As the sun peaked through
Its thick wall of clouds

And it's beautiful

It almost looked like you.
part 5
finale
lua Jul 2021
it's hate
that burns
quietly
silently
unnoticeable
the flicker of a candle's flame
bleeding into a bonfire
that swells
into a beast
so large
it swallows cities whole.
lua Oct 2020
gasp
heave
pant
the ringing in my ears
the lump beating in my throat
the sound of my heartbeat caught in a flame
that burns bright and angry
in my lungs
as i taste iron on my tongue
and blisters bloom
on the soles of my feet
like flowers in a summer's field
and yet the stench of sweat
the cling of cloth against my skin
raw and pink and thick with grime
but i'm running out of time
i won't ever stop to breathe.
lua May 2020
the dogs howl and bark to the beat of my feet
as i go
stomp
stomp
stomping away
on the damp soil
my heels dig through wet dirt
as i run
to somewhere i don't know yet
i have no destination
but the only thing that keeps me running
is the fact that my heart is still pumping
and blood still rushes through my veins
and i won't stop
until it does.
run away
little runaway
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