dec 30 97
a bad seed was planted
ever since then she has sprouted and she grows
she doesn't get the nutrients she needs so she wilts away behind the scenes

Some days I do believe she had a halo
But best friends are harder to come by, ya know?
She was my ride or die
My safe place when I needed to hide
A lock box of secrets for me to confide
A hand to hold and a shoulder to cry.
But she stays loyal to who she's around the most
Weekend plans change now that summer is here
And I'm moving out of state.
But I won't forget last winter,
When we got to live,
I always got to see her smile and her halo would glow and it would make flowers bloom in the deepest parts of my stomach, she knew how to make you feel like the freshest spring air.
I'll try to get through summer without her.

the sun is asleep
but I'm up thinking about things
like who will you be?
whats gonna happen next for me?
one night could change the rest of our lives
are you ready for this invaluable strife?

the chemicals i wish they kicked in
all i need is a high
the air is getting thin

you make me weak and I love the way that feels
I can barley speak and I'm glued down by my heels

I can barely read you
you're like a book with a lock and a lost key
millions of things running through my mind
I lost track of the time
now the moons asleep and our hearts barely beat.

don't you want to turn the beauty into the beast
feel the pain then the release
the malice runs through my veins like morphine
I'm addicted
I'm insane
contemplating the same things
investing everything
I need a fix
I insist
I'll sell my body for the next line
I would never even care
my soul was never mine

Inhale
Holding the smoke captive in my lungs
Soon it escapes my lips and runs wild in air
It dances in the moonlight
I lay my head back and watch it run away
Another puff, another escape
Full moon, time to blaze
Memories of you flood in
Your touch is like razor blades kissing my skin
Scars to forever remind me of all my sins
Exhale,
Then breathe in
I keep letting my demons win
Inhale
It's starting to kick in
Just like the clouds pouring from my mouth
I fade into the night
With a blink of an eye
Exhale
Goodbye

burn
smoke
eyes water
****
puff
pass
get stuck
out of gas
sleep
counting sheep
read
what does my life mean?
high
im just shy
broke
but i have enough money to smoke
green
thats what i need

I texted you and asked what you were doing later tonight
You said shooting yourself
I didn't know what to say so I began to explain how after you left I started to drag the razor across my skin again
How I started to break again
How all I really needed was a friend
I say, "even though your a ******* people still care about you"
He hasn't opened it
And I can't sleep
Everyone said he should be dead to me
But not literally
I know I washed my sheets from the last time you were in my bed
But pieces of you still linger
Especially in my head
I'll sleep on the side you always stayed on
Maybe ill dream of your embrace
Or maybe I'll dream of our disgrace
Fire spitting high school drop out
Please don't cop out
Don't do this tonight
Please put up a fight
I know after you hurt me I shouldn't say this
But I want you in my life

chain smoking cigarettes
you haven't replied to any of my texts
looking me in the eye with no regrets
you talk like we just met
smoke fills your lungs
you complain like you're so drunk
there is something in your eyes
everytime i look a piece of me dies
im so far gone my only choice is too survive

I'm pushing past the looks of disappointment on every ones face
I'm trying to find peace in this ruined place
secretly i'm insane
going through the same roles just to play this game
I have been locked away chained to the front porch with no escape
my demons come through out the day
they say hey
they make me play
I distort their images
because hands on me with faces like that
It makes me not able to breathe
but my demons, these lions they can see
the scars on my skin from the battles within
I am dissociated with this world
stuck on this front porch step.

I have never had a garage until this year
I store everything from my pain to my wardrobe
last night I screamed at the cement walls
stared out the window like someone was coming to get me
I feel disconnected in there
I keep myself in that garage wishing I could tape myself away in a cardboard box next to everything else no one wants to open
I would be out of the way, hardly taking up space
wouldn't that be great.

but instead ill spend another night screaming at walls that wont break
they aren't as fragile as I am today.
garage sundress
open bottles, not to confess
problems I don't want to address
im kind of a loud mistake
.

you pushed me
you kicked me
you broke me
you killed me.
now I'm back
from the depths

now I'm alive

all the names you people ever called me
intertwine with the thoughts of suicide
I could never be what I today
without the broken reflection in the mirror that you made
butterflies fly through empty carcasses
ones that use to be drugs with teeth and heartbeats

Because I'm alive

My words inject right through your paper thin skin
they make home in your freezing heart
because home is where the heart is
People empty their ashes into the sea
and the water wants me

But I'm alive

And whoever you are
the one who kicked my burning bruise
the one who spat in my open wound
you're dead to me
no more will you flow through my mind like ribbons in the wind.
Because I'm alive.

dear noni,
im suppose to call you nona
i just didnt know how to pronounce the "a"
your not even italian so what does it matter anyway

i dont like you very much
you have made my life harder than it should be
dear noni i really wish you would leave
you raised a homophobic judgmental son, i get to call him dad
thanks.

dear noni
youre not very friendly
you can send me as many books as you want on jesus and being straight'
it doesnt help your case
stop "praying for me it makes you look bad

sorry you are my grandma because i dont like you

At that moment in time
my heart was beating to loud to hear anything else
my tears were falling so fast
the rain could not compare
the look in my eyes gave it all away
the look in your eyes told me you were ready to let me in
could that have been your gaol?
reaching for the last thing that put me in control.
****
I just want you t know
that I can never let you go
If i could set flames to flowers
and if I could burn the memories
I would fly away with the ashes in the breeze
and i'll stare in to your bruised eyes from a distance
like two moons staring back at me
and I'll try not to listen
because every I love you was lie

you seem to be one of the only things on my mind,
all of the time.
I remember lying there in your arms
You were telling me lifes stories about the sunken warship and the storms.
I remember looking into your eyes
I felt your warmth, and you saw the tears I cried from the defeat of many tries.
I remember what your skin felt like against mine,
That night marks one of the best in my life,
Even though it was special I knew it was our end.
I will never forget your lips against my skin
I still feel the adrenaline from when I sneaked in.
oh this place wasn't safe, but I needed to be with you.
one last night.
one last look.
one last kiss, before you leave with pieces of my heart in your collection of lost dreams.
the ones you keep in a jar.
Before you left with your forgotten dreams,
I needed you to be with me
one last night, one last look of the light in your eyes.
This is my goodbye.

I failed to be the light you needed to guide your way
I failed to be the prescription you need to stop the pain
I failed to let you know, that you were the reason for the smile on my face
I started to fade away
To break away
I found the most dangerous things to helped escape
When you needed me I was gone
I failed to be what I needed from myself
I failed to see If I can't help myself I can't help anyone else

ive never had anything but a one stand
I don't even understand how its easy to give yourself to people who will say anything then leave.
I know how these things work.
affection and attention, slight attraction
sometimes cause a *******
my feet hurt and im tired of leaving before they wake up.
I hold my pride like I want them to hold me
its easier to give in than it is to give up.
im a impatient little ****.
so ill kick my shoes off
take some shots and pretend like I cant feel this because this isn't feeling its slightly dying.
my feet hurt and im tired of one night stands but ill be gone by morning.

the sky was peppered with stars
our hearts, were massively scarred
I look up to the sky, and I realize I'll be one of them one day.
Confusion of chemical swirls hit my brain
trapped in the sky
punished for being believers
forced to look upon the other dreamers
their tears fall as rain
their shine never goes away
contently paying the price for their pain
they are alive
but they will never live again
they are alive
but they will never have their friends
then they loose hope.
they lost hope again.

im browsing through old history
comparing the state of minds
its 2 am and i did another line

                             insomnia became my friend
    when i had you over again and again
                        bolgs and instagram feeds
tattered souls and too much to drink

                                                          ­  seasons are changing
all these reasons
                                   i need to do some explaining
i skipped therapy
but i have scrapes on my knees
and my head under the sheets
darling please give it up for me
                                                       round of applause
                                                                ­        standing ovation
                                                                ­                  relapse again
cuts in my skin


**** what you need
im burnin down these trees
they call me the cloud queen
Im not on a thirty second high
i am on that all day
                                                             ­                                            all night
                                  good bye

coma sleeps and powder dreams
you have to pay to get things like these
the price is really cheap
so sell your soul and give all to me
I'll take you to places you have never been
you can open doors and find new things
heres the treasure, now follow me

truths you would never believe
and lies that push you on your knees
I'll make you beg and plead
so just give it up to me

there is a mirror
look close
you still think your beauty is only skin deep?
now take your skin off and see

remember you obey me
you gave me your soul so you wouldn't die lonely
listen close my dear
do you hear the whispers?
do you feel your very fears?
they creep up on you
they want to play

lets fade away
I am the cigarette smoke that fills your lungs
I am the cat that grabbed your tongue

death do we part dear
and if you wake up
you were dead from the start

they left my meds in my possession
last time that happened I almost died
should I take them tonight?
I could rest in piece with the angels in my dreams
or risk the chance the demons might come back
I can play this game
they are suppose to help
but to many could ****
some nights i wanna die
so maybe i will

but not tonight
im feeling to strong
the demons can knock on the neighbors door
im feeling to right

go to sleep, close your eyes
now dream of broken butterflies
pinned down wings, and pills for suicide
now I ask myself is it worth the fight?

Im a follower, you know its true
because when you had my heart I followed you
now I breathe in
my lungs feeling tight
I release the air, questioning is it worth the fight?

can you see the vice?
Its locked behind her eyes
her evil ways
they won't disappear tonight
now she's got her friends and family questioning is it worth the fight?

I try to answer this question staying up all night
life is just a war
we are just soldiers crossing fields of questions
trampling through the mud in our disguise
falling into the ocean at our own demise
but the question still stands, is it worth the fight?
Ive been fighting every **** day of my life
and I'm starting to see the sunshine…..

do you still love her?
you guys have been together over a year
and for the past months I've kind of interfered
do you really like me?
I mean I don't like me so its hard to see

rice
oh god rice
ive had it every night
porkchops and rice
nodles and rice
rice
step mom make brocoli
brocoli and rice
oh god guys so much rice im my sad life
rice
long grain or sticky
yellow or brown
got a rice *** cooking it now
rice and steak
rice and eggs
rice and life
im tired of rice.

You know why I wanted you to kiss me?
Because maybe you could feel what I feel when I hold your hand
I wanted you to kiss me because I don't know how else you'll understand.
I know it's not what you want and I'm sorry I even tried
I just wanted you to kiss me, I wanted you to hold me tight
I guess the moment wasn't right.
But here I am second guessing
I don't know what to do with myself
I'm laying in bed regretting
Repressing
Focussing on breathing before I just call it a night

cant tell if im crying cause im sad or this wine taste like ***
ive talked myself out of calling you all day
i figured you might want some time
i need the space

A stanza a day keeps my depression away
But a broken heart fuels my ways
I surround myself with the misfits and the corrupted because misery loves company and I hate being alone
I smoke cigarettes because I know they ****
Slowly but surely
Only time will tell
I twist my feelings into words
I spill them on this page
For the whole world to read
It is my only escape

Hotel rooms are to small for two people who hate each other.
I'll sit outside till dad gets back since this is where he choose to stay.
I watch after the rain stops, mesmerized as rain drops drop from rooftops and people drive by I'm sitting on painted cement sidewalks trying to keep dry.
Thunder crashes but not as hard as I'm crashing through life
I'm 17 has no clue what life means,  5 foot 3, curly hair, stuck in between, over dramatic drama queen I'm getting anxiety when the phone rings so I stop picking up and they stop calling.

sometimes you cry because you're tired
sometimes you break because you're exhausted
some days no one understands, so its 3:43 pm
i think i might just go to bed
my hopes are too high and my eyes are to low
tear stained cheeks tye dye shirts that don't belong to me
i might just leave

I have never had this feeling
when i get a text from
i can feel the butterflies come out of their cocoons
me and my tears fall faster than rain
and the butterflies start to strain
there is nothing here for you to gain
but still you "stay"

i refused to call you tonight
i cant hear your voice
it stays in my mind long after we get off the phone

ill never deserve you i hope you know

I want to be in the car going fast down the highway in Alaska during fall
I want to see the first snow flake
I want to breathe in the stars
I want to see the fire glow
I want to hear the beat in your heart
I want the music to play loud
I want to do everything except think
disappear with my dreams
I want to  fall in the snow
I want to feel the cold
I want to be with you
but I'm too busy kissing strangers pretending that its you
I'm too busy falling behind because I'm scared of the truth

we apologized for stubbing our toes and crying to late at night
not knowing we were so small in this big picture
our parents called us unique. one in a million.
youre not special
im not special