Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary.
I bet you thought I forgot, huh?
Well darling it's hard to forget someone
That has given me so much to remember
And I'm not talking about the good times.
I've been dreading today for days
I've been cying and screaming out your name and
I'm pretty sure my neighbors are tired of all my noise.
Trying to drown out my sorrows with chocolate and obnoxiously loud sad country songs but
I can't help but isolate myself,
Because since you arent here to do it for me,
I have to do it myself.
I've been a wreck the last week and a half
Crying on your birthday and even more as the days passed.
I've never been one to pine over a man,
But a man wouldn't have done me like that.
So after all we've been through
And all the tears I've cried,
I think I'm truly starting to get over you.
My depression took a vacation and I was finally able to get out of bed
I thought for a moment all the things you ever said
That "our love would last forever"
I guess forever never lasted long anyway
Because we went a year and 8 months before I decided to run away.

At first I didnt notice the date.
And when I did it was all but too late.
I cleaned my room for the first time since I moved,
I washed my sheets because somehow they've started to smell like you
I cleaned off my kitchen counters and sprayed fabreeze into the air.
I washed all my ***** dishes
I did two weeks of piled laundry
I took to the floor with a broom and a mop.
I sat and read for the first time in ages
I did all of these things and didn't cry today.
And I guess I'm truely getting over you
Because yesterday would have been our 2 year anniversary
And not once did I think of you.

There comes a point when my insomnia and depression play with one another.
It's a moment where I lay in the darkness and contemplate and wait for sleep that never comes
I'll sit and wait and close my eyes in attempts to dream
But my efforts bare no fruit, so I abort them.
Just like how I aborted you.
Our relationship was toxic and so we're we to each other
It was a matter of time before it pulled me under
But now I'm paralyzed at the thought of you
And our supposed to be 2 year anniversary leaves me sad and feeling lonely
Though I'm not. He's an hour away
I need him to keep you away
You've interupted my thought process and I can't help but notice
How you've manipulated my body into wanting you.
But my brain and heart know better and they stay away
They put up their walls and nothing will ever escape.
That is until the time I see you again
And I feel like crying because you're no longer my friend
But that's okay, time heals all wounds
Well youd think but, I'm not amused.
So I'll just lay here crying and wondering what to do
And asking myself how
The **** can I get over you?

There was once a time when I'd be the one to jump to rescues,
But after noone jumped to mine I finally learned my place.

There's a train departing at 1am.
It's not the normal trains who's wheels squeal on tracks or whistles blow and wheels screech to avoid crashes
The train I'm talking about is my train of thought.
Normally everything is linear.
Everything is fine and I over think every once in a while
But every once in a while, around 1am
My disaster train leaves and I can't rein it in
Here come the insecuties and old heart breaks
Angry old rants and sadistic new views
It's all jumbled mess and it comes with feness
And crashes through the walls of my mind like-well a freight train.
There's a train leaving at 1am.
We know where it goes and what hops aboard.
Let's just try and close those eyes
Before your up late enough to hear the wistle blow.

Its times like this when i get home later than expected.
Hes sleeping peacefully,
But theres plenty to do:
Dishes
Litterboxes
Laundry
Sweeping
Mopping
Vaccuming
Cleanin­g my car
Sleeping
Bathing
Brushing my teeth
Existing
Smiling
Being Happy, or prentending to be
Be uncomortable in my own skin
Scratch my arm in hopes the skin starts peeling off
Man this list is too much for me
Im going to bed.

Mirrors will always tell you a harsh truth
Unless you're so broken inside that you make it worse in yourself

She wanted to know
Just why he kept leaving her

I've never loved myself more
Than I do without you next to me.
I don't feel shy or self conscious
I don't feel like I have to hide who I truly am
And i couldn't be happier to be done with you

We're all addicted to something,
That takes the pain away.
I'm addicted to cigarettes,
And dancing in the rain.
The cigarette will numb my brain,
And the rain will numb my blood.
So when I cut my skin wide open,
I don't feel a single one.

We're going on an adventure,
A wonder we may find.
For in this corner we may see,
Another heart like mine.
Her deeply troubled anguish
Scares me to the core.
For I can see how she is insecure.
I know what she searches for,
Deep within my soul.
She's a scared little angel,
One that's rare indeed.
But it seems no one can find her,
Or even looks, you see.

Oh darling don't mind me and my twisted thoughts
It's not like you bothered to check before
So I'll down this bottle of Crown alone
Just like the one I did 20 minutes ago
To get as far gone as I can
Maybe I'll call you and confess what I've always wanted to say
After all, sober thoughts have never really done me much good.

Downing bottle after bottle sounds more appealing
Than you telling me you don't love me anymore

How dare you look at me that way.
Make me take you out of the little box that I hid my feelings for you.
How dare you treat me like you wanted me.
Then turn around and leave me for her

My brain has been running wild as I live in the holes in my heart.
My brain wanders and loses track of everything
And my heart just shakes and rattles against the walls of my lungs
My skin sweats and my bones shiver
My brain is worried about everything except my heart
Because right now it's so broken the my brain doesn't know how to approach it

Because I cannot stop my hands from shaking
Nor the wobble in my walk
I've come to terms with my mortality.
If not for a recent understanding
Of what keeps my mind on pins.
I cannot wait until I ache
For that stomach punching pit again
Putting me out my misery.
One day soon I hope and I pray
I can look you in the eyes and turn you away
But for whatever reason you remain.
The hopelessness that my eyes portray
Simply weaken every day
Until the day someone says so
And my anxiety just goes away

The blood is drying underneath my nails
And it's dripping off your cheek
While you stare at me in shock
That I would do such a thing

Once, I knew what I wanted, and it was you.
Now, you left and handed back my heart
But what you didn't notice
Was that I slipped it in your back pocket
When you walked away from me

It's the way she holds her head when you talk
The way her eyes light up when she sees a dog
The way her hair frizzes around her head like a halo
The way her body will melt into you when you hold her
She's beautiful

It's the way she talks to the voices in her head
The way she walks
The way she talks
The way she takes care of you

It's the way she holds you when you've had a long day
Or how soothing her voice is when your demons come to play

She's beautiful
But you never told her.

Look at the stars,
Do you see how they shine?
Darling, they'd shine even brighter,
If only you were mine.

Cigarette smoke burns my throat
And the alcohol numbs my blood
but when I pick my razor up
I start slicing till I'm gone.
And when I'm tired
And when I'm done
I won't feel
A single one

My edges have always been too sharp

Step away

Before you get cut

All I know is that I'll find you again
Whether it be at the bottom of a bottle
Or inside my own head
I'll cry for you
Until I'm dead

She's like broken glass,
Shattered all across the living room rug,
And a smell of whiskey on her edges,
And stained on the floor.
She's in pieces and she can't really explain who's fault it is
Or whose broken her this time.
She'll wait for the next person to try to heal her,
Take the glue to her pieces and place something wrong and she'll lash out.
Her body was made of glass,
You could see right through her.
Every lie was followed by another drink,
Another shot,
Another sip
She'd continue to fill her cup until she overflowed and broke even more
But she'll try to mend her heart and body to no avail.
She'll never let them know who hurt her.
Because she was the one
Who trusted
Too much

What do you do when your veins throb to the sound of the clock ticking?
What do you say when words have no sound?
What do you mean when you say you want to end it all?
What does it mean to ponder your existance?

As if you never noticed your best friends eyes
Never saw how small her smiles are.
Never understood why she locks herself away
Never saw her beat herself ****** while crying his name

How could you miss the way he held your hand,
When ten minutes prior he was dragging you around?
Why do you remember the space between his eyes
And his mother's southern drawl
How could you forget how he touched you so roughly

What do you do when your veins thhrob to the sound of the clock ticking?
What do you say when words have no sound?
What do you do when youve stopped thinking,
And burn your soul to the ground?

Those who don't use chasers with *****
Have learned the sting of putrid love

He checked my wrists and thighs
He checked my stomach and my sides
He checked and said "Let me see if you've been cutting again"

He gave no warning.
No sign that he was going to do this in the last hour that I faced him.
He looked me up and down, eyes more serious than I've ever seen
I couldn't help but feel embarrassed that I let him down once before
I was embarrassed I relapsed and he was there to see me unravel.

"I've been good"
"I've been good"
"I've been good"
I felt like a child, repeating the sentence over and over
Our friends continuously asking what I meant and he simply says
"It's nothing."
But in his eyes I could see
To him it meant everything

So he checked
He checked my wrists and thighs
He checked my stomach and my sides
He hugged me tight and whispered softly
*"Please stay good, I love you to much to lose you like that."

How dare you tell me

That I was the problem.

Sometimes nothing feels right until you light a few cigarettes.

Sometimes you need that moment of silence when you feel your lungs fill with smoke

Sometimes you need to think about your life as you spend five minutes outside alone with your thoughts

Sometimes you just need a cigarette break

Don't worry about me, baby.
Just let me drift in and out of consciousness like I tend to do.
Open your mind, see things as I do.
Let the darkness take its toll as the music begins to grow
Until you can't hear the voices inside you
As if you finally learned to close the door.

I used to paint pretty pictures on my skin.
My brush collection was wide,
Filled with box cutter razors, the blades out of pencil sharpeners, and knives.
I used to melt my shaving razors and rip the blades from their homes,
Nessled them deep within my flesh to warm their steel bodies with my blood.

Am I painting pretty again, Mommy?
Am I making you proud yet, Grammy?
Looking into the glass windows of my home like they were funhouse mirrors,
Twisting and distorting my hourglass figure until I could no longer recognize my own skin.

I used to own a hall of mirrors.
Collected my demons behind the glass.
Big and small,
Tall and short,
Thick and thin,
Each mirror distorting your body image more than the last.

I used to collect knives.
Steak knives, butter knives, utility knives, butcher knives.
Each blade glistening with crimson.

Oh how I miss my children.

I bet you think it rude to speak of my past gory collections so fondly.
As if cutting myself open to let the bees rattling inside my veins free was the animal abuse.
Well I'll have you know I've finally set them all free.

Now my true healing may begin.

Now I collect flowers off the side of the road.
I collect feathers
I collect poems
I collect words
I collect men
And finally,
I collect myself

Cute
Pretty
Beautiful
****
While most women love hearing these words from the lips of their lovers for the evening,
I don't.
They aren't simple complements, they're ways to make me vulnerable.

Now I just sound like a white girl with issues, yeah I know.
But the truth is that everyone who has told me those words as only wanted what's between my legs.
And half the time, when they got it, they left.

I'm tired of men seeing me at 8am with no makeup or heels
Looking at me as if I had lied to them
Because I'm obviously looking for love* in the wrong places

One night stands don't make hoes into housewives
But they will certainly turn housewives into hoes.

I've never been one to take a punch without either dulling my senses or punching back
But this punch back feels wrong
Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing
I'm drifting through life
The corridors of my heart have been empty for years and I don't know how to fill them anymore
From my father to my first love to you I've been abused
I've been bruised, talked down to, manipulated, and confused
And you did nothing but confuse and dull my senses as if there was something I was supposed to see and you blocked it from my view
I've never hated you, I can't find the time to
But between when you left me barely functioning and now I've learned to love you without being next to you
And hearing you hurt and holding back the pain in your voice broke me and I didn't know how to respond.
So when you told me not to speak to you
Not to tell you that I loved you
Not to tell you that I missed you
I decided that because I do love you I was going to respect your wishes.

I check your Facebook now and again
I make sure you're still posting on your instagram to make sure you're still breathing
If I could ask you how you were doing I would
But you don't want to hear from me, it hurts to much
And I keep fighting the urge because baby
You learned how to control me
And now I cannot free myself.

Ive never understood why I think the way I do.
It wasn't until I opened up about it that my friend gave me clarity.
It wasn't until the words "existencial crisis" left her lips
That I understood these sudden feelings of why I was alive.
Why I do things I do.
Why I think what I think.
Why I think of every question in the world at one particular moment.
So I guess I have an extended crisis
Because I'm never not thinking the question
"Why?"

Daddy can't you see just how bad you're hurting me
I've done what I can and poured out my heart
Trashed my mother and it tore us apart

Daddy can't you see just how much bad you've caused
For it know not of love and I can't see when it does
You've taught me a lesson that can't be unlearned

Daddy can't you see
How your actions in our time of being
Have tortured me

I once knew a man, he was married to a poet.
He would complain she never remembered to visit her mother.
She never remembered his allergies or his favorite color.
She never remembered to pay the phone bill or to wash her clothes.
She never remembered to take her medicine or take a shower.
She never remembered to take the trash out or to go grocery shopping.

But he got sentimental and told me what she always remembered.

"She always remembered," he said, " what we did in our first date.
She remembers my favorite cologne and what type of detergent irritates my skin.
She remembers when I tell her I love her.
She never forgets to tell it back.
She never forgets to love everyone she meets, greets everyone with a smile and enthusiastic wave.
I guess she can't remember little things like my favorite color or what time she has to go to work.
But she always remembers the important things
And I guess that's all I could really ask for."

Dying has suddenly become my specialty

Have you ever seen them getting along without you and you just break a little?
Once they told you that they'd die without you and you believed them.
Being so manipulated into love, you believed them.
But there's that same part of you that always knew it would happen like this.
You were blind and you let **** slide when you should have held them accountable and left long ago.
Yet you stayed and waited.
You waited for them to realize they were hurting you.
Waiting to prove that your love was enough for them to realize.
Waiting.
And waiting.
But you've become so obsessed with the thought of someone just holding you in their arms like you mean the world
You forgot what being truely loved, felt like.
Honey, even after you found the strength to say it was over there's still that part of you that's still waiting for them.
And that's why when you see them smile in a photograph it hurts so much.
Because your waiting for them to beg at your feet for your forgiveness.
Because they became a part of who you were.
So you're still waiting.
You've moved on but a part of you is still waiting.
Preying on the fact that you were "the one" for them.

*******, you're delusinal.

I've always been the girl to love
Someone whose heart beats counter-clockwise
Someone always living an hour behind or ahead
Never along for the ride
Just there to see it end.

Well, we had a good run
And alls fun and games until someone falls
But what you dont realize is that you made me fall for you
And thats not the kind of love i wanted for myself

Because if one FALLS one can GET BACK UP
so if I have FALLEN in love with you chances are I'll just STAND back up and keep walking.

So gather your things, my darling
And I'll help you out the door
And the last few words I'll speak to you will be
"I don't love you anymore"

Because I'm done falling and I just wish to stand
I'm kneeling now and they're giving me their hand
They're helping me up instead of bringing me down
And now I'll say goodbye
Because this is the last time you'll see me cry

I was awake swaying to the sounds
Of a sadness that I have always known
And as I sat there in stabbing silence
I could have swore I heard the creak
Of the floorboards screaming under a weight
As those approach me with sudden movements
I steadily drift off to my eternal sleep

If you ask my friends what I've become
They'll start singing song lyrics
"Tried to find you t the bottom of a bottle, laying down on the bathroom floor"
"You're gone and she's gotta stay high, all the time, to keep you off her mind"
And by God they wouldn't be wrong.
I've taken up these habits and made them my own
Creating my own personal bubble that's headed straight for hell
I'm not saying what I've become is all your fault
But you certainly contributed to my status.
My chain smoking, my drug use, my increased alcohol consumption
My need to drive dangerously fast, stepping into traffic, my laying on blacktops
To everyone I know, it's as if I'm certainly flirting with Death
And I guess its true
And I'm not taking 100% of the blame
Some of it is on you.

Maybe one day soon,
I will cut my wrists wide open,
And find flowers growing in my veins.
Taking root deep within my heart,
Branching outward, trying to gouge out my eyes,
Curling around my eardrums,
Around my spine.
Blossoming in my temples,
And in my fingers.
Stems wrapping around my throat,
Making it hard to breathe.

With fuzzy vision, choking breathes, trembling hands,
Maybe i can manage to cut them out.
Carve up my hands until i can reach inside and rip them out.
Dig into my chest and tear them from the roots.
Maybe i can stop the pulsating, as the flowers try to make me beautiful
Try and make me like them
Try and **** me
Like we try to **** them

We look up at the stars and think they're beautiful
But the tragic truth is that most of the stars in the sky are already dead
I guess that's why we leave flowers on headstones
Because somewhere in our history, death has become beautiful

Why can't I forget you?
I'm doing so well, I have a family of my own
Then why can't I keep you out?
Why is it when I'm driving home from work at 3am,
and I know that he is home waiting for me
And I know that the kids miss me
That I think about the way you kissed me?

How does one go on after a suicide?
How does one continue knowing someone they loved wanted to end their life?
How can someone  stand there and lie while they lay in their coffin:
"I will miss her"
When you never knew her to begin with?

What was her favorite coffee creamer?
How well did she sleep at night?
Who was her first love?
Who was her last heartbreak?
How many bones has she broken?
How many tears did she cry over him?

See, you didn't know her. So why would you cry at the sound of her suicide?
You didn't know her like I did.

Her favorite coffee creamer was peppermint mocha.
She never slept at night.
Her first love was the one she wanted.
Her last heartbreak was the one she craved.
She had broken no bones.
She cried enough to fill the ocean over him.

See, I knew her.
You?
You pretended to for the sympathy.

I cant stand to see you this way
From your drooping eyelids to this cold stare youve begun to wear

I dont know who you are anymore
Some stranger who just happens to know the dark secrets i behold

My anxiety for who you tell is higher than before you fell

At first i waited and watched to see
How you would handle yourself to some degree
But the longer i stare the longer i wonder if youre even in there

Has this cold persona kicked you out of your skin?
I wonder where you have gone, my old friend.

The future is a lie put in place by people who want to see us waste our time worrying about it