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430 · Jan 2019
Bottled up
Xaela San Jan 2019
This bottled up
feelings
I want to throw it
to the ocean
and wait patiently
as it drift
towards him.
Xaela San Jan 2019
Her perspective:

He walks by
and she said "Hi"
He didn't respond...
Oh wait,
She said "Hi" in her mind
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His perspective:

She walks by
and he felt her gaze
she didn't say anything...
Weird,
And she walked away
Yet another random poem
424 · Nov 2019
Movie
Xaela San Nov 2019
If this was a movie

We'll end up together

Happily ever after
395 · Jul 2018
Piece
Xaela San Jul 2018
As I close my eyes I felt the summer's breeze
And it made my heart at ease;

I don't know where his mind is wondering now
Yet I can hear his heartbeat somehow
Making music in the air
As he stand near unaware
Of his smiles that brought delight
To this young Maiden's sight

Yet I know this emotions of love I'm feeling
Will never be conveyed to his unwavering heart
Because I can feel in the sight of his eyes
Endless mountains and skies

That one day fate will lead him to his destiny
And I'll remain nothing but a piece of his journey.
395 · Dec 2018
Filter better
Xaela San Dec 2018
Put on the filter to make myself better.
There are times I have used "camera" filters to hid my insecurities. To hid the fact that I don't see myself pretty, beautiful like other girls, and confident like other people.
393 · Jul 2018
Comforting
Xaela San Jul 2018
It has been a long time since I know you

Years after years of friendship

Still everyday is a new discovery

- It was comforting


And it has been my familiarity to see your face

Like of those of your gentle smile

That have become my everyday view

From morning to the end of every day's session

- It was comforting


But nonetheless, I never knew I was slowly falling for it

Even in your mere presence

In your mere peaceful silence

- It was comforting


Reminiscing to those mementos

Of those times I spend with you

Keeps the butterflies in me out of control

- It was comforting

But I know it won't be for always.
because i hope this feelings to disappear
385 · Mar 2019
Confident
Xaela San Mar 2019
I'm not confident

For I am not the mirror

Of the people I hope to be
I'm unique but still I can't help myself to stop thinking of someone else
376 · Jan 2019
Distraction
Xaela San Jan 2019
Looking at the left

Looking at the right

I am of need of distractions

A distraction to put distance

To my distorted mind.
I need distractions to avert myself from stresssss
371 · Aug 2018
Bloom
Xaela San Aug 2018
Wish upon the stars

the flower I saw that day 

will stay blooming.
367 · Feb 2019
Notice
Xaela San Feb 2019
In the past

she only sees

him as a friend

Now she started

to notice him

in a different way.
Friends into romantic interest
365 · Jul 2018
Nowhere
Xaela San Jul 2018
I am short on words

but let me tell you this first 

fear brings you nowhere.
>_<
364 · Apr 2019
Unfixable Misunderstanding
Xaela San Apr 2019
In a fragment of a lifetime history
Counted are the precise point in time
Where the past reflects the future, becoming our present
This includes the reasons why we parted ways;

It was an accordance to a heated moment one night ago
Of our dreadful argument and misunderstanding
Even the days that came, was still a raging storm;

It was travail, painful, a difficult experience
Even the weeping of my eyes can not cease the brokenheart bleed;

Until everything became still, silent like strangers meeting for the first time
And we know both this is our unexpected ending of our history.
357 · Sep 2018
Untitled #2
Xaela San Sep 2018
Darkness
appeared suddenly
it was manipulative
unreasonable
keeping me away
from what I wanted
even my dreams
my family
gone with it.
356 · Jul 2018
Friendship
Xaela San Jul 2018
Closing my eyes, flashback starts to play;
Memories of strangers meeting
Each other the first time in the new beginning
As first impressions occupied their minds
But neither do they know what the future holds

For after sometime of getting to know each other

New friendships formed;
New possibilities to venture;
New memories to treasure;

A lot of things had help thrive there friendship stronger

There might be times of misunderstanding and arguments
Which drew a thin line of hate towards each other
Nonetheless at the end of the day, the bond is once again mend
It's a cycle, an inevitable cycle of hate and friendship

Still, along with time and through this old friendship
My love flourishes in the bottom of my heart
Never realizing it to happen- to myself
Even my mind can never comprehend
Of all this maturing feelings I now possess

Yet, I know very well he doesn't feel the same
He will always considered me nothing more than a friend
Until I learn to forget this feelings and move forward
For now, being by his side, that would be enough.
this love i possess, i hope he will never know
351 · Feb 2020
Attachment
Xaela San Feb 2020
It's hard to disconnect oneself
from the attachment of familiarity
one has built through the years.
Everything in college is overwhelmingly new. I found it difficult to adjust to another environment. New people. New place
.....

I miss my friends. The memories. The laughters... I miss their company...
If only I can always be with them
But this is life. Life must go on. We have our own paths. Dreams and goals in life.
350 · Feb 2019
Bluest Beauty
Xaela San Feb 2019
Looking ahead in this wonder

The sky is in its bluest glamour

Kissing the singing ocean in the horizon

As the wave dances in the warm bliss

Of the summer's fervidness passion.
My mind is filled with imagery of the ocean.
345 · Dec 2019
Dear diary
Xaela San Dec 2019
I think
I've found love from an unlikely source
I've found it from something simple

I've found it from a simple laughter
I've found it from a simple brush of our arms
I've found it from a simple good morning
I've found it from a simple curve of his lips

I think
I've found love from an unlikely source
I've found it from the way he acts

I've found it from the way he looks my eyes
I've found it from the way he hold my hands
I've found it from the way he walks slowly to match my pace
I've found it from the way he talks to me

I think
I've found love from an unlikely source
I've found it from how great of a person he is

I've found it from how he can remember the things I've said before
I've found it from how he can be strong in times of pain
I've found it from how confident he can be
I've found it from how caring and loving person he is

As cliche as it may sound  
I think I've found love from an unlikely source
I've found it in his flaws and
He's a great person, he doesn't know it yet.
"I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming "Get a grip girl"
-I Won't Say (I'm In Love)
Alan Menken, David Zippel
343 · Feb 2019
Alive in my poems
Xaela San Feb 2019
Our memories

of hardships

and happiness

will be forever

alive in my poem.
Thank you friends. thank you. thank you so much for creating such memorable memories with me
335 · Jul 2018
Friend
Xaela San Jul 2018
I wish I'm just dreaming
Seeing you with her
Filled of smiles and colors
I can't bear it to see no more

I wish I were her
In your arms, smiling
In your eyes, shinning
In your lips, melting

What ever I do
Not even a shooting star
Can change you and me;

It's hard to lie, but I'll try
To endure this silent pain

Because neither you know
Will you ever love me?

Will you ever look at me
The way you look at her?

"The truth will never change"

I love you so I'm letting you go
It's painful but that's all I can do

Because I'm a friend you know
I've become a beautiful mess, I'll never show
I'll make this bittersweet love unknown

Its hard but I'll send you rainbow
And warmth through the snow

"Till the end I'll be a friend to you."
"until the end I'll be a friend to him."
Xaela San Jan 2019
Hydrologic cycle:
It is in the raining clouds of the sky
Falling downwards like a man falling to his knees
Yet, besides the pain of hardships weighting his soul
Through the sunshine of hope and grace from heaven
He will rise to his freedom from the cracks in the ground and start over again.
I've been experimenting on the concept of  Science with poetry... Because I love science and I love poetry.... And this is the result... I hope you enjoy reading....
330 · Jul 2018
Path back home
Xaela San Jul 2018
In my life, never did I've regretted my decisions
For I knew what I was doing to my life
Or at least I pretended to;

Now, those simple plea of my Mother years ago
All those advices and sweet words, I've never listened
Came crashing every faith I have in me
Drowning me in realizations

Why did I not listened to her?
What have I done to myelf- to my life?

The inevitable is now clear
Those stubbornness I possess
Leaded me to my story now- lost and helpless;

For never did I knew I've lost my path back home
When I kept on chasing after dead dreams my heart seeks- without looking back;
And never listened to the words of wisdom my Mother partaken for me;

Now, having no accomplishments only regrets
I slowly drift back to the place my heart belongs
Where my Mother awaits for my return
And welcomes me once more.
Mother knows best
Xaela San Jan 2019
Astronomy:
It is in the passing Comet above, mistaken as falling star by dreamers
As they wish upon the star to make one's desired dream come true.
323 · Aug 2018
Untitled #3
Xaela San Aug 2018
come
a
little
closer

can
you
hear
my
heartbeat?

No right?

because
you
broke
it
into
pieces
320 · Aug 2018
Youth
Xaela San Aug 2018
I was waiting behind the door for you
And I felt the warm air blew
As those delightful memories I once knew
Shows an unforgettable, beautiful view
Of us looking up to the sky so blue
And, of us holding hands as we grew;

Without knowing time moves and flew
As if everything was a product of the untrue

I remember our sweet youth memories, we value.
318 · Apr 2019
Superhero
Xaela San Apr 2019
He's not just a man
He can fly, he can fall
He can run, he can protect
He's a superhero

He fly, he's on the top of the world
Touching the white clouds
With his hand unto his soul
Feeling the cold spring breeze

He fall, he's covered with mud
Like any man, he can stumble and fall
But he didn't mind the cold mud
And continued to walk with life

He run, he's faster than speed of light
Though it's hard to believe
It's true he can run on water
Everything happened like bullet shot ahead

He protect, he's an invincible man
Like any other super heroes
He's strong and will protect any one
To make this world a better one

Because if you're in danger  
Like dust flying swiftly in the wind
He'll come to your rescue
And bring justice with his pride

He tries harder and harder like crazy
Fighting with effort to save the nation
With his blood, sweat and tears
He deserves a praise like of a Superhero

Though he's unaware of the realities he does
He's living in his own sweet nightmare
As he continues to bring out the best of him
And continue to save the people around him

Yet, beyond his own utopian world
Comes out the truth of his existence, he's no superhero
But he's a man, someone who can't fly
But a man that can stumble and fall

The people around him can't deny anymore
As they look into his eyes, there they knew
Everything's wonderful, but never true
And that he's held captive to his own illusions

They saw beyond his superhero behaviors
He became someone nobody knows
He only knows himself through his perception
Because he's held captive to his own illusions

Like a maze where no one can get out
He'll remain there without help to escape
If not helped, someday it will bring his end, because He doesn't need someone to save but himself.
315 · Feb 2019
The "person"
Xaela San Feb 2019
If I were to be the "person"

I've always wanted

Would I be happy and contented

Like I hope to?
It's a dilemma
309 · Jul 2018
Hot Chocolate
Xaela San Jul 2018
You're like a hot chocolate drink

You bring a chocolate smile tint on my lips

And warmth to my rainy days.
304 · Jan 2019
Paintbrush
Xaela San Jan 2019
Her paintbrush is a blessing, a tool for her bleeding heart to be painted on the empty canvas.
303 · Dec 2018
Under.Those
Xaela San Dec 2018
My mind's drifting further
back to the memories we had
when I was yours
and you are mine
the time we said " I love you"
under the midnight sky
the time we were under those
shady tree and secretly kissed

Our story
it was like the stories told by those
television romance
we watched before
it was so magical it made me blind
blinded by our blossoming love

Back then I was a blind maiden
smoothened with your touch
is all it takes for me
to melt in your arms
yet, I was a fool to believe
that forever was for us

Our story
it was a foul play of fate
we were not destined together
and it broke our hearts to pieces.
298 · Aug 2018
If
Xaela San Aug 2018
If
Because,
       if
ever you
     know

We'll
      never be
friends like
      before.
I like you.
          My heart
burns in
          the thought
of you.
295 · Jan 2019
What ifs
Xaela San Jan 2019
What if I die tomorrow?
What if I die now?

What if it was the truth?
What if it was a lie?

What if (s)he is the one?
What if (s)he is not the one?

What if I go right?
What if I go left?

What if.....?
What if..?
What if.?

What's
going
to
happen?

Such simple questions
yet a complicated realizations.
What if?
290 · Oct 2019
Healing
Xaela San Oct 2019
Shadows of unknown

Her demons she supposed

Slowly walking away

Footsteps becoming faint

She smiled

They're leaving her

Because she's healing.
290 · Nov 2018
Love
Xaela San Nov 2018
Love can be a beautiful thing
Promising and worth fighting

Or

Love can be a beautiful lie
A mistake worth a goodbye
290 · Jul 2018
Handkerchief
Xaela San Jul 2018
At one time, I was alone on a cliff
Dangering my own lonely life;

Then in a swift moment in time
As if I felt the summer's touch
I turned around and saw you;

There you stood, filled with hurt
And a glint of indescribable smile

In such hurry, warm tears fell down

"I thought no one acknowledges me"

Thus, thank you for the handkerchief.
287 · Nov 2018
No doubt
Xaela San Nov 2018
No doubt, I'm bleeding

and you dare ask me

after you stab me

on the back?
Beshhh
286 · Sep 2018
Photograph
Xaela San Sep 2018
I see you everyday
I bring you anywhere
But I can never touch you
like before
'cause your just a picture
perfect photograph
Frozen in time
forever remaining to that picture
perfect smile
for I can never see you
once more
beyond this photograph of us
'cause you'll never see the sun shine
for another time
And I'll remain here silently
missing you
in the living world.
284 · Jan 2019
This is not love, is it?
Xaela San Jan 2019
This is not love
this is just hunger
there's no "butterflies"
causing rampage
in my stomach
when you're near

This is not love
I just see you
everyday
making your
image stay
in my every
brain cell

This is not love
When even the
simplest action
or the smallest
things somehow
reminds me of you

This is not love
as my hand
holds a pen
and write poems
about you
in every pages
of my notebook

This is not love
as my heart beats
faster than the rhythm
of your breath
when you call
my name

This is not love
as I avert my eyes
on you
when you looked
at me
I'm just afraid
You'll see my
flaws

This is not love
I just like the way
You put a smile emoji
In every text messages
You sent to me

This is not love
I just like the feeling
when your hand
will intertwine
with mine

Tell me
This is not love, is it?
283 · Jul 2018
Yourself
Xaela San Jul 2018
Close your eyes
and breath slowly
Feel your beating heart
and listen carefully

Be at ease
and relieve your mind
Be the person
and stop being blind

Listen to yourself
and be free from the chain
Let it go
and be free from the pain

It is all in you
you may not know
But all I can say is
find it, feel it, listen to it

Search in your self
the person you should be
Listen to yourself
not to the whisper of others

Come out from your shell
and be the person
your mind and heart seek for.
272 · Feb 2020
Walking Together
Xaela San Feb 2020
I'm willing to walk a hundred more steps
Just to be with you even for a short moment
Just to spend a little moment alone with him.
259 · Oct 2019
The mind and heart
Xaela San Oct 2019
The mind
wants to
know
the truth

But

The heart
can't take
the pain
with it.
259 · Aug 2018
Best
Xaela San Aug 2018
Long time ago,
     I'm a nobody

But manage to
     become somebody

Because you let out
     the best of me.
259 · Sep 2018
Home
Xaela San Sep 2018
My
    home
       is a
          paradise

Where I
    get the
         power
            to rise!
251 · Feb 2019
Copycatting Beauty
Xaela San Feb 2019
In the quitest corner of her bedroom
A woman stares back at the mirror
Wearing the latest dark lipstick on trend
With her near perfection sharp arced eyebrows
And her three inched high heels,

She stood there amazed yet unsatisfied
Not only on her outer being but also for her soul,
Even with all the planned efforts she made;
Regardless the sleepless nights of pure thinking;
Imagining possible outcomes for her definition of beauty

Unsatisfied she started to flip from pages to pages
Of magazines of models and celebrities in their best glamour
She imagined herself in those shoes and glamorous dresses
Gradually she added jewelry unto her bare skin
And painted her pale face with pink blush and mascara

She became a silent imitator, a copycat in other people's dictionary;
An imitation derived from the motivation for beauty
She saw upon the perfect photograph of a photoshopped model on the front page;
She have become so focus to others à la mode fashion
She failed to remember her own creative manners of beauty

This goes on and on and on, it felt like forever;
Then the once creative young lady became just like everyone else
Up to date with the latest beauty trends;
Just like everyone, it inevitably sugar coats her insecurities aside
And progressively concealing her own uniqueness.
246 · Jul 2018
Symphony of Death
Xaela San Jul 2018
Remember the last time we walk
Also it was our last time to talk,
It was the night of snowing December
Freezing our bodies with its cold winter

But there's no use crying again and again
As memories flows of you leaving with a train,
Together with our tears falls like rain
Saying our last farewell caused pain

Those vivid memories of you leaving for war
Drowns me with anxiety and uncertainly,
Waiting for you to go home feels like enternity
But keeps me aiming far;

And I've always known war is a game
A game of life and death
Which even a man without a name
Would die in womb of his mother;

Now death has prevailed, your life has ended
Promises, shattered, broken instead;
Your lifeless body was an evidence
Of war's dreadfulness and cruelty at worst.
246 · Aug 2018
Unfit
Xaela San Aug 2018
We're in the
same universe,
aren't we?

Yet we're a
thousand worlds
apart and unfit.
236 · Aug 2018
Joke
Xaela San Aug 2018
Yes
I know everything you said to me
It was only meant as a joke
A joke that was not meant to be mine

Yet it was the truth
The truth that I knew
The truth I am experiencing
Deep in my conscience
Where I tried my hardest to keep it hidden to the prying minds

Those jokes;
As it hits me straight to my face
And burns my confidence to the ground

You can call me sensitive or emotional
But believe me I chose not to be affected
And still
The burn remained in my head

Like you said it was all just a joke
But
It was painful to hear
As it cause my heart to bleed

For the words (joke) you let go came out
From the mouth of the person I dear the most
The person who knows me more than anyone
Is you.
"Bato, bato sa langit ang matamaan masasaktan"
234 · Jan 2020
Pretending
Xaela San Jan 2020
Pretending that your feelings doesn't exist is one of the worst punishment a man can do to himself.
I thought I was throwing away those feelings but I realized that I, myself was only burying my feelings and emotions deep down. Pretending everything didn't exist in the first place.
I caught myself making up excuses that I shouldn't feel those things. I made my own reasons. It's sad because I didn't realized I was hurting myself.
233 · Aug 2018
Like a closed book
Xaela San Aug 2018
Like a closed book he speaks nothing

But being judge with empty reasons

And still walks upright in the streets

Without realizing emotional pain drawns him

As clouds of words clouded his mind

Rain started to fall down his eyes

Self doubting has begun, untill his silence

Become unbearable noises of screeching cries

Those words that slowly swallowing his confidence;

He couldn't lied for he know it's affecting him;

For everytime the nights come, those words, burns him,

It's killing him deep until the day has come

The last petal falls also did his beating heart.
228 · Jul 2018
Fate
Xaela San Jul 2018
Do you still remember our starry nights?
And those ancient and beautiful sites?
Or our unforgettable little fights?
Cause those moments delights me,

Yet those moments will remain a memory
Kept and treasured somewhere in history
Cause what happened can never be undone
Fate, which can never be outrun

Losing you in my arms, I felt torn
Without you, the colors I see mourn
I wish this ungrateful fate faded
And our fate will remain in red.
227 · Feb 2019
Love is a sacrifice
Xaela San Feb 2019
Love is a sacrifice

You'll either

risk a lifetime

fighting for it

Or have the courage

of letting it go

and move on.
I chose the second option
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