Hallways of stone
My knees scrape against the cold lifeless floor
As condensation soaks into the fabric of my existence
I came looking for you and I found myself
Lost
Fallen before a door, densely metallic
No one in, no one out
There used to be light here once.
We could move through pathways freely
Tracing the space between our selves
Settling in one another with fluidity.

I am here alone now.

I write you letters often
Little invitations to return
Back to a place we used to be
Back when I could find you here
There was resistance then too
But you opened the door if I knocked enough
Fists pleading with steel gates
My hands are broken now
They were broken before but
Now
I stopped to bandage them

Do your walls have windows?
Can you still see me here?
Desperately craving connection
Hoping for a moment to see you
To feel your soul's energy again
For this hallway to hold life once more
Or am I invisible without the sound?
Without the pushing and fighting,
Do I cease to exist?

I know this isn't about me
Things are not that simplistic
But I thought
I taught you
How to love me


I tell you I feel disconnected
And you say You'll be fine
Right.
Ok.
I'm still here if you need anything
Still waiting in these damp halls
Alone with the hope of something more
Because I believe in you and in us
But I won't beg you to love me

Im afraid of being alone,
that’s why I’m staying.
But why do I feel like it wouldn’t make a change
if I left.

What would change?
When now I’m already feeling lonely.
It would be the same
But different emptiness.

But maybe it wouldn’t last forever.

how do I tell you
that with you I feel safe
the child in me clings to you like you belong to me
how do I tell you that I'm not in love
that I'm simply still a child
looking for a home, for safety
how do I tell you
that I started building a home for you in my heart
and I lit a fire to keep you warm
how do I tell myself
you don't belong here
I have to learn to save myself
instead of waiting for someone to give me everything
to hold that child in me
how do I tell you, how do I cry
how will I ever learn to say goodbye

I will love you when winters are old and summers are tired;
I will love you between all hours;
For my mind only wonders with you and what can I say about the heart, it’s fallen too.

Allowing the dust to settle
And the hovering mist to part
You can't live inside of my mind,
There's more space for you in my heart

I keep myself busy to stay aflame
While the world slowly turns
I'm sprinting through days that blur
And suffering through the burns

Toggling between elation and insecurity
Emotions aren't permanent, only temporary
Experience has taught me everyone goes eventually

Resilient to adversity shrouding me
In its tethering web of prickly hairs
Mourning the nascence of elation
And all of the splendor it bewares
A cocktail of hormones straight to the dome
Nostalgia hitting in waves

Dragging me back in time to those hopeless romantic days

Come to me
because I need you
I need your touch,
your care,
your support.
Speak to me in soft tones.
Tell me it will all be okay
in the end.
Reassure me
that I am okay,
that I will last,
prevail,
be whole and safe.
That my life is not a mess,
that I am doing well -
just that this is my path right now.
Tell me that it will not always be this hard,
that I will be happy again
when it is all over
or sooner even.
Touch me
Let me feel your love
Your heart
Your care and nurture
Your love.

I wonder if I could be okay
admiring you from afar
never letting you know how much you meant to me.

I wonder if I could just be friends
without hungering for that intimacy we once shared.

Is it really gone? In the past, forgotten,
along with every long night we stayed up together?
When you agreed to stay another two hours
(even though it was 9 pm)
to watch a movie with me?

I want it back so bad
just someone who talks to me
understands me in a way that others don't.

But maybe that's not who I am to you.
That'd be okay, I think.
I'd get over it eventually.
But I'd never forget.

And right now,
it just aches.

I miss you.