Don't you get it?
we sweat it
they get it all
I won't give in
be a cog in their wheels
it feels like I'm pushing up daisies,
I'm not yet pushing twenty
why is it they got plenty and
I have porridge for breakfast?
Fears for the future
and it doesn't exist
it might never
we might sever all connection with
what makes us human.
This must be the dislocate
it cannot be fate,
I've tuned out from the show
does anyone else know
what frequency we're on?
My past was always blurred,
From when I was a child
All I knew from others was
I was angry, reckless, wild
I've recently learned the truth,
My eyes are growing wide
As the barrier within becomes
More a longer, broad divide
How do I love my parents
When two were not mine?
The other two were always gone
And this barrier just won't die
Biology didn't dictate
That she would ever try
When depression caught and set in
All she saw was failure, alive
Behind closed doors, physical
Or within her mind
She shut herself from me
From the world, alone she cried
But I cannot forgive
You were supposed to be there for me
Too young to understand her marriage
Didn't stop her cheating
Step Father didn't do much,
Believes her every lie
Made it the world of his past
But neither did he try
Father on deployment,
So the connection isn't there
I see it as a friendship
And it is too heavy to bear
Step Mother was a saint,
Made me fit again
But I have no love for her
Just respected as a friend
It's a hole deep inside of me
Like acid to my heart
My mother never tried,
And that tears me apart
Feeling so unloved, alone,
And although I have three houses
Not one of them is home.
you are a child. you are the passage of time.
you are someone i love(d). i asked for your hand
and you gave it to me. cut it off and everything.
the only thing i can hold is your hand. it is
disconnected from the rest of you.
you are standing in front of me, with stubs of muscle,
blood, and bone in the absence of your palms.
when i say palm, what i mean to say is a flower.
what i mean to say is a zinnia. what i mean to say is
an entire garden of whatever. when i try to
intertwine our fingers, i cannot. your fingers are
immovable. your heart is too. you are a human body
made of 63% water, but every single flower inside of you
is still wilting. i say Come here i have an entire lake
underneath my ribcage. Come here i can teach you
how to swim all you have to do is let me. Come here
i love you, but only underwater.
Disconnected syllables of broken names trying to be whole
fill my dreams and echo through my home
while the eyes of a billion childlike selves cast their judgement...
Who are you.
Dislocated limbs pile in corners of my room
and I've forgotten where each fits,
and to which long past figure they belong, but still their eyes question...
Who are you.
Disappearing thoughts leave mist in their wake
only remembered by their now empty space
and a distant weakening whisper...
Who are you.
it's raining and
the sky is cracking and
the clouds are growling and
all i can hear
with my ill ear
are the gentle drops of rain
the rain has broken
all the telephone wires
there is static when i try
to reach out to you
the internet died
sometime last night
and there's no way i can
speak to you
the cable was taken away and
the lights are flickering and
my phone short-circuted and
my laptop overheated and
i'm thinking back
to our last few days
and thinking of
the words i never heard
the words you never heard
when the calls dropped and
the line went numb
did you ever even hear me
when i whispered
and i wonder now
maybe that was the problem all along
maybe we were always on the verge
of making our always into forever
and maybe our love just got stuck in
We are sitting in your car, and we are quiet.
The sun has set and the only illumination is the streetlights of the city I've told you I wanted to show you since the day we met.
For once, we are not holding hands.
Three hours prior we were staring at one another across the top of a table at Qdoba and you assured me things were working out. You assured me that we could continue as we were. This wasn't goodbye.
I assured me you weren't forcing those words, yet three hours later, as we are leaving the city I never got to show you, you are not looking at me.
The day before I would not hesitate to say I love you.
The day before, I would not doubt your touch.
The day before, I explained to you that I do not say "goodbye" when planning to see someone again. "Goodbye" is too permanent a term, "goodbye" is when you can't promise you'll come back.
Now, we are sitting in my basement and you lie on the couch.
I am sitting on the floor.
You're looking at your phone as I look for something to watch on the TV, and you do not seem to care what.
I look for something for you.
As it plays and you watch, I watch how quickly we are fading.
My heart yearns to show to you that I believe we are worth this, but just like the sun faded from the sky and we were overcome by the night sky,
it seemed the light had faded from your eyes and you no longer saw the sky in mine.
I attempt to make my way beside you on the couch, and I soon realize that there's no longer room in your life for two.
I found myself memorizing each freckle on your face,
I found myself remembering the shades of blue your eyes kaleidoscope into when hit by the sun.
I found myself wondering just when they might see sun again,
as I could tell they no longer shone when looking at me.
It was then that I realized my heart was no longer full of love,
it was empty from the lack of reciprocation.
You looked at me as though I held the answers to everything you'd ever asked,
but I feel as though you quickly realized I was an issue, outdated.
You left about midnight.
I kissed you as you left, and I thanked you for coming.
You assured me it wasn't a problem.
I told you that I loved you,
and you told me you loved me, too.
You said "goodnight,"
and for the first time,
My chest feels heavy.
-I notice I'm a single singularity destined to be single with some regularity
-what? well when broken down I'm not one to be broken down for your reality
-why? I'm a single Hispanic male that notes your wrinkled pale panic rather easily
-how? I'm not one to kiss and tell but your windows have a tell; ever so slightly
-when? when you fail to comprehend that all the stories that we said aligned so naturally
-where? in the only place that matter most but ignored for someone less otherworldly
When I opened the Christmas gifts you got for me and vice versa.
On the way out to eat, you looked over your right shoulder just to observe traffic and all I could think about was how clear your eyes were from my view.
Every single time we say goodbye on the phone.
When we were sitting in Qdoba and you grabbed my hands, stared at me, smiled, and chuckled, insisting I was cute.
We were looking at the Waukesha skyline, and as we turned to get back to your car and escape the December cold, you tripped over the last standing Christmas tree that overlooked the city and I laughed hysterically.
When we raced across the Target parking lot and you beat me by a landslide, but you almost knocked a family over as you hardly stopped yourself from running into them.
The first time we ever skyped, my heart stopped as you looked at your whiteboard, doing homework. I still stop myself from saying it, every time you do.
When I was sitting in the passenger seat of your car in the Target parking lot, and you leaned over and kissed me. No warning. Just the kiss. You pulled back and smiled, forehead to forehead. Neither of us said one word.
When you spoke to me in nothing but Dance Gavin Dance lyrics for practically a whole day.
When you told me that this wasn't the relationship you thought it would be. I bit my tongue and held back tears.
I let you vent.
I let you disconnect.
Tiny wires in my head
connect me to the internet
every message and every status checked
so much boring information packed
high-school mate grow a beard
another teenage pregnancy
another model leaving scene
life is so ordinary it seems
meaning slowly disappears
and some words you can't take back
I feel like I should disconnect
I’ve burnt my tongue
On the ashen words
the dark past
Up in flames
I see the writing in the sky
I see the writing on the wall
Social graces social falls
Static whispers crawling deep
Keep the dream slow and sweet
Nine fathoms deep
a buzz and rush
I feel the situation hopeless.
You claim ‘Love’ but what is That really?
my fingers are numb
Love is no reason or excuse.
One must feel love to accept love-
and I do not feel or believe in it.
Everything is shutdown. Out of order
Come back tomorrow.
Try again. No pass no admittance.
No crime or punishment.
No smiles or tears with me.
A blank wall. Cold brick.
Cracks shored up again and again.
A full time job shoring up these cracks
Crumbling cave ins
I think of you everyday & often still.
I cry when I see love stories & heartbreak.
I cry when I hear 'there is always hope.'
I had so little faith & was so afraid.
I never wanted to hurt you.
I hope you can forgive me giving up
I am still in love with you.
I pray now those feelings fade.
Love doesnt thrive in the dark
but set free a proclamation a declaration
a truth shone in light
. No shame.
No closet feelings buried ;
No whispered desires and intentions
The illusion crumbled in my hands
and faded from my eyes.
I could not SEE
how we were supposed to BE
Too many lies weakened the line.
So weak ripping easily this love line
no longer yours or mine sayonara
Its all Hay wire
a fine Tangle and bind
Be so kind & hang up
your hang ups clashed with mine
no nurture no teddy bear cuddle
But sharp cuts
a twisting jumble of words lost in the rumble
Lost in rhyme
delete unfollow block mute ban hide
I still know your alive.
℗© 2016 by Lesley Wood