My Senior English Research Paper Proposal:
I propose to talk about how society and school can affect the youth of America.
I propose to talk about how much we all don't want to talk about this.
How depression becomes common in teenagers and youth isn’t just an emotional problem- it’s societal one.
How we’re told to bury emotions, not to cry but to move on and play the game. But we only get so long before we realize it doesn’t mean anything.
Useless grades for a useless world.
Words that having no meaning besides the ones that we put behind them.
How we teach kids to be quick to laugh at the expense of others and take nothing serious because nothing matters- and how we do that without hesitation because everything matters.
How we bury everything so deep.
How that begins to hurt and overflow.
How we tell them it's all in their heads.
How they’ll outgrow it.
How we push kids to be older than they are.
How kids are shown limited paths in life when the world itself is limitless. It gives zero shits about how we live.
How kids out of fear and loneliness turn on each other.
How we are all so desperately looking for a connection in this world but draw closer in because people are dangerous and loneliness is safe.
How we are all selfish and eventually lose the ones we love.
How love is a concept and construct warped so far that we can’t perceive it any more.
How loneliness can kill.
How the depression and suicide rates of kids sky rocket in high school because puberty hits and chemicals go wild and you wake up and see that you don’t have anyone who cares about you for you,
how your heroes are nothing more than fuck ups like you,
and how there is no point to anything but work and death.
How the point was supposed to be communication and other people, but we washed that out of system.
Stay quiet in class rooms. No passing notes. Ignore your neighbor. Be afraid of everyone on the buses. Loners look cooler. No one really cares about you.
And how that can kill someone, those three simple words:
“No one cares.”
And how we laugh about things that are funny, how apathetic we become and how we try to pretend we’re okay with that because if we don’t we’ll look weak.
How we as a society have turned kindness and caring into weakness.
How fucked up we all are.
Let's talk about that.
There's a lot more to the world
Than what meets the eye
Physical intimacy laced with
There's no time in the universe
In which peace can be acquired
The day the earth stands still
Is the day we know what comes next
In a memory flashing by your mind
Just sputtering through the motions
But suddenly you're caught in derealization
And you can hear her voice again
Clear as wedding bells
A young girl reading sermons
To a man passed out drunk, and the woman who made him that way
I was just 4 when I first tasted beer
And I vomited all over myself
I was just 8 when I first tasted liquor
And I don't remember much else
Chicken wings with candles
And the songs my mother used to sing to me
The way she'd crawl in bed with me
In times of drunken solitude
Ungrateful cunt of a daughter
Who should've been aborted,
Well I tried, mama, I tried
Now that you're gone and you are nothing more than ashen memories
I look at you in your black box prison
With your name pasted to the front
And I tell you all the ways I have already died
I tell you all the ways I don't feel alive.
The way you screamed for help at the top of the stairs
And he's shoving he's pushing and you can't run
And I'm still here
And I'm still here fighting him away
He says he can't sleep in beds without you anymore
And coming home from 2nd grade
Police badges light up the front porch
And they're shoving you they're pushing and you can't run
And you're in handcuffs
And his arm is bleeding
the young man told me I was not alone
And falling apart on your floor
At a ripe 5 years old
And I'm crying I'm sobbing and you don't care
And I scream
And you don't love me anymore
The piano goes quiet
And after grandpa died
she took all his medicine
Muscle relaxers and pain killers and the daily booze
And she screamed at the walls she called god
For taking her children away
It was her all along
I do not hold grudges
But it took you dying for me to hold that promise
It took you dying for forgiveness
The family shuns me like how they did you
Black sheep we are
Your ashes lay on the table beside my bed
With fake vanilla candles that light up all kinds of colors
And I tell you all the ways I have already died
I tell you all the ways that I do not feel alive.
I left something in Kentucky
just north of Jellico
lost, now in the Cumberland
Youth is never wasted --
Our youth is spent in waste
When she took my hand and led me
over the rocks and into the stream
I wasn't sure if it was the cold water
or the feel of her skin against mine
that caused my stomach
to clinch and rise to my throat
More likely it was fear
As her body moved over mine
I felt a fearful, spiritual sensation
The sermon that morning
was on the evils of the flesh
and the sin of earthly desire
That preacher had never been chest deep
in a mountain spring
staring up at a noon sun
through strands of auburn hair
and eyes illuminated by water
glistening in the mid-day light
I left her at the mailbox
standing at the intersection
of the gravel road and her dirt driveway
As her fingers slipped from mine
I asked if I could walk her to church
next Sunday, too
The mystery of the rare brown-eyed girl
With the strength to splay sunshine from her smile
A child of spring, wishing life to be worthwhile
Young woman with a heart of lovely pearl
How free thoughts dash through a mind to unfurl
Navigating quick feet through life’s trial
Witty, they say, a spirit versatile
Dripping from red lips, words a constant twirl
Impossible girl who cannot be still
Love, an endless gift the brown-eyed girl bids
In two rusted orbs, her excitement brews
Irises capture vintage thoughts, a sandy thrill
Stagnation, a word her soul openly forbids
A beautiful creature conquering in saddle shoes
It wasn't exactly a date
It was a lot more like fate
She was sitting on the gate
She had such a purty face
She'd look good in boots and lace
She was all beauty and grace
I sauntered up special like
I was more than a little tyke
I asked her to take a hike
We wandered to my fine mare
I felt like a millionaire
She chatted without a single care
She rubbed on that silky mane
Her name was Dorothy Jane
To hold her hand, my campaign
Her hand so sweet and so fine
Fit exactly into mine
My first date was so sublime
As time on the clock face ticks
I still remember the kicks
Even though I was just six
Those were the days, a kid forever
As the rain pours upon the mighty Rogue River
I get a warm feeling and begin to remember
My Saturdays as a kid
Watching cartoons till ten I did
Then off to the beach to reel in the perch
Then off again to play in the dirt
Riding bikes all over the city
Having fun and being silly
Never a worry, never a care
Bologna sandwiches and root beer
Riding horses and motorbikes
Shoot’n guns and flying kites
No computers or video games
We played in the sun, we played in the rain
Old age has come and slowed me down
But I’ll be a kid till I’m dead in the ground
Regret is a pain that makes me numb,
I wish I could go back and change the things I have done.
The stupidity of youth will haunt me for life,
The pain is relentless and stabs like a knife.
I look back at what I could have achieved
With tears and frustration like you wouldn't believe.
I hurt everyday at what I have lost,
My heart bears the terrible cost.
Why does it feel like a losing game?
The chances lost, the shame...